Broke up yesterday....

[jasmine38]

Hi folks,
I have never done this chat room stuff but I am in a lot of pain from a breakup and even though I have support from my AA and my SLAA community I feel all the extra support I can get will help with this one...

It seems my higher power always has interesting stuff in store for me in relationships, because I get tested on the biggest triggers every time...

To try to keep my history brief is hard but basically I am an alcoholic/addict, sober five years, and also a sex and love addict, in that program for three.
I am in that program because it teaches me self care, and I tend to get obsessed in love relationships. I believe this is due to being raised NOT sexually abused physically but my father and brother who I was raised by are both porn addicts, and I have a past of working as an escort, stripper, and sensual massage....because I wanted power where I had none, and I was sick with drug and alcohol addiction.

My recent ex is a sweet, smart, funny, attractive, loving man/boy who was raised by a good family in Colorado, and moved to LA to get in to fashion photography...then moved here after a bunch of failed attempts, getting caught up in the porn industry, too much weed, depression, and meeting me and seeing a way out. (This is of course just my view on it)

So God tosses me a man who is me, ten years ago....he was living in LA working in the porn industry occasionally, being a stoner, and gave it all up....moved here, quit everything, got a full time job doing electrical work, and moved in with me at first, then to my OLD cottage, which is right next door. He lives there now...next door...so you can see why I'm a wreck! I'm not great with keeping the time lines here...sorry, I'll probably jump around a bit..

I created a boundary for myself that was this..."You can do whatever you want, but you need to know that my recovery is important to me, and I can't be with someone who is dabbling in two things (weed and porn) that are a major trigger for me." He said it would not be a problem to drop them, he loved me and didn't want to trigger me, and agreed to stop both. We grew alot (but rushed a lot too) in this six month span of our union, but I didn't trust him because the first month, well before I created those boundaries, and before we were committed, he lied to me twice about BIG stuff...he told me while still in LA that he was done with porn work...my intuition burned so I searched craigslist ads and found him advertising his massage and photography skills to women. Anyone normal, not an addict, not triggered by all the familiarity of previously being in the industry, would walk away at that point. Not me.

His second lie was that he had never actually acted in a porn...that one he admitted on his own soon after...that he had acted in a few.

I did break it off with him, he went back to LA, and after a period of no contact we started talking again, but mostly my response was "I can't trust you"

Finally I was in a place of such vulnerability and stress with moving in to a new place next door, and getting all the crap that the last tenant (a drug addict friend who had relapsed after 18 yrs sober) left behind, he said he was coming to see his cousins here anyways, and could we just talk face to face, and he'd help me with the move?

So I let him, and his actions glowed....honestly none of my friends seemed available to help with my move, and the move was too big without him. He worked his butt off to help, my heart melted, and we got back together. His cousin offered him full time work, and he moved here.

Once he moved here, I started trying to control him, because thats what I do. But really, besides fighting about stupid things, we had great compatability. We both love camping, animals, music, movies, laughing a lot, good food, etc.

The agreement he made was no pot. But i back slid a bit and was kind of ok about "not around me" and he would be honest if I asked him about smoking it...so my trust was still healing.

Then the other day we were having two friends, a married couple, for dinner...actually I was giving them massages first, then Jeff and I were going to cook dinner for them. He came home from work stoned...and it absolutely shocked me. It was so out of recent character for him...and my heart sank...( The massages and dinner still happened, I handled it with grace till they left)

My heart sank because I realized that even though I had set a boundary, and NOT an ultimatum, he was rebelling against me as if I was his authority. I read in "woman who love too much" that if you are the reason someone stops something you will also be the reason they start it again.

It triggered ALL the distrust I felt in the beginning...and I did the eighth grade reaction to that. I searched his cottage. Which was weird because I used to live there, I used to smoke pot there, I used to look at porn there. I did find a lot of porn, a couple pipes, some male enhancement pills, and tons of Jeffs erotic photography...I pretty much already knew all that would be there...I just drove myself completely nutso.

I broke up with him yesterday...he still thinks its because he smoked pot once, but really its everything combined. I have allowed him to tell me that I am a victim for calling myself and addict and alcoholic, which really hurt...as I hated finding out I was an addict, and before, without him, am proud of my sobriety.

Anyways, I'm a mess, and he lives next door. I made an agreement when he moved there that if we didn't work out he'd leave within two months, and he will....but that time seems unbearable to me...and I smoke cigarrettes out side...no privacy. By the way, I offered to quit cigarrettes if he'd quit weed...no bite. Ironically I had quit for nine months and started again when we first broke up....entire time frame (not very long) was Feb 7 thru now...

I think I wrote way too much, but I'm an artist type who feels people need a background to see it all....sorry!!!

Thanks for reading my post....wonder if there are any sober women on here? Glad to hear back from anyone...

[dutchdiosa]

Well, it seems like you have been through a lot and the first thing I have to say is I am VERY proud of you for the accomplishments you have made in your life. To keep this short, because you don't want to go into too much detail, I say this was an excellent thing for you to end. You need to stay away from that because you are now clean and sober and you are bettering yourself. Staying with that man, would have only brought you back to where you were and it is apparent that you do not want to be there anymore. It is rough and will be, it is going to hurt for some time and be frustrating. However, I think you made a very wise decision. Therefore, as much as it hurts you need to tell yourself everyday that you made a better decision in breaking what was hurting you and keeping you back. Also, with your therapies and such, you will meet many new people that really relate to you, help you, and make you feel like a very special individual. I was in therapy for many years when I was younger due to family fighting, and I must say relating with other people who have been through what I have is AMAZING and you make excellent friends along the way that really care about you. I wish you the best of luck hun...and if you EVER need anything else, we are all here for you! Feel free to talk about ANYTHING!! (Well, almost everything. )

[jasmine38]

Wow....thanks...I feel like I just broke up with the old jasmine38 from ten years ago....and it hurts profoundly....I really really love him and see how much progress he made in such a short time...so this was a horribly tricky decision. This man is inherently good, and can't stop doing these things....its such a disappointment...I love him so much....gotta go cry and make tea now...

[dutchdiosa]

Originally Posted by jasmine38

Wow....thanks...I feel like I just broke up with the old jasmine38 from ten years ago....and it hurts profoundly....I really really love him and see how much progress he made in such a short time...so this was a horribly tricky decision. This man is inherently good, and can't stop doing these things....its such a disappointment...I love him so much....gotta go cry and make tea now...

I am sorry if I hurt you...I am just trying to help . It is going to hurt hun...and don't let the feelings stay inside. It may have been a tricky decision, however you need to look at it as a new page in your life. Where, although he might have made a lot of progress in a short span of time, you never know if he could go back to anything. Just like you don't know about yourself everyday...it's a constant struggle. It's okay to love him hun, and you will...he will always have a spot in your heart. You just have to be strong and be comfortable.

[~Teej~]

Welcome to ATLF Jasmine.
I think it's amazing after what you have been through you have come out of it the way that you have.
I can't begin to understand how bad it must have been for you because I have not been in the situation you have.
All I can say is that I totally agree with Diosa..You have made the right decision in ending it with this man.
In order to get over what you need to, you can't constantly remind yourself of it and that is what he was doing to you.
It is going to be hard for you as he lives next door to you....but be strong and stay firm...you are better off without him..you asked him not to smoke pott around him and he should have respected you for that.

[jasmine38]

Thanks Teej,
I feel deeply that it is the right decision...and I know he will move out as quick as possible, but I am just so wrecked about how much I'll have to see him.

My usual way of breaking up is pretty abrupt, not really acknowledging what we had, and using anger to deal with my grief. This one, since he is so close, and I genuinely love and respect him,I couldn't do it the same, so I tried really admitting my part (control issues) and closing the door without slamming it. But I feel so completely idiotic for allowing him to move so close...(same landlord, my reccomendation) and I can't stop crying at least today because I am unbearably sad and know that it will be impossible to avoid him...unlike other breakups where I'd see them around town or at an AA meeting, he will be right here. He is just in shock, he knows now at least though that we are breaking up because he triggers me, not because I won't llove him for who he is...(like what he DOES is who he IS....unless of course he IS an addict...)or because he came home stoned "once!" as he thought at first. In my perfect world he would be a crying mess too, and would express that to me....like he did the last time I broke it off.

I want to thank you for saying that I've come so far....it has been a long path of therapy, meetings, workshops, books, tears, and self forgiveness...and I still don't credit myself and sometimes even think I should be over it all by now, and can't see how far I've come. It has been over ten years since I worked in the sex industry, and I still feel so much shame and frustration for allowing my up bringing to affect me and look for love and or power in such dark dark corners...I just hate it that I've had such a long road of "issues"....but at least I look at them and try, try to keep loving myself. Its easy for me to fall madly in love with someone who accepts me and my past, and felt right and fitting to forgive someone their similar past ...I guess it all got blended too well to see the real bottom line...that being triggered, by someone I love and am trying to build trust with, is disastrous for someone like me. Not a lot of hope in my head that its not all my issues that cause all this...my oversensitivity due to my upbringing. Makes me think I won't ever rise above it, in relationship with a man.

Thank you for listening....blessings

I know we sober people tend to take everything personally, but it really feels as though he is choosing being able to smoke out and whack off occasionally to being with me....that is the most unbearably painful part.

[jasmine38]

Hi diosa,
I'M so sorry if you thought that!! You SO did not hurt me...I was moved, and I am hurting on my own, but your response was super sweet....

[dutchdiosa]

I just wanted to make sure I did not do anything wrong. Don't want to hurt anyone in this section, we are hurt enough already...those of us who have been hurt.

I really think you made a right move and I wish you the best of luck with everything. We are all here for you don't worry...no matter what you ask. Start posting in the games and what not...have some fun!

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome to ATLF jasmine, glad that you joined us!

I too think you did the right thing in letting him go. You have done such a good job of getting yourself back on track. It's not easy when you are an addict trying to get better. It's a constant struggle & having someone around you that may occasionally do drugs or do them all the time, only makes things that much harder for you & your recovery.

He needs to have some time on his own now to miss you & to think about how he broke his promises to you. Maybe he will see it & want to change & work on it more, maybe he won't. You though are out of that situation.

Best of luck to you & we are all here for you on or off the forum if you need it.

[daisychip]

...and I still don't credit myself and sometimes even think I should be over it all by now, and can't see how far I've come. It has been over ten years since I worked in the sex industry, and I still feel so much shame and frustration for allowing my up bringing to affect me and look for love and or power in such dark dark corners...I just hate it that I've had such a long road of "issues"...

Someone once said jasmine38 that forgiveness is letting go of the idea that you could have had a different past. I know for the most part you have surrendered the burdens but now is the time to look at the past in a new light. Why? Because it IS YOU who has handled this relationship in a new way and the old is replaced with the new. Only you have found a different and better path for yourself. IMO.......we carry shame only as a means to be contrite in the eyes of others around us. We have no one to be contrite to jasmine, that includes you, you are not small and do not need to carry a feeling of being less than just because of your past. It is not you anymore! I think you are slowly realising this.

You have handled this relationship in more of a mature way than alot of non-addicts my friend. Thats one great thing of being in recovery, we have the oppurtunity to see more clearly than ALOT of people. The big book could be useful in so many lives. This you also know.

The best you can do is like others have said.........remember and stick to what you have told us here...............you must not continue in this destructive man. You can only save yourself right? He will have to do the same, you can only do what you have done and that is to show him that, to have s/o or things that are good, he must do what it takes, just as you do. I know it is very hard to lose s/o you believe understands you but you will eventually find that it is possible with another.

Wishing you peaceful days and sleep filled nights!!

[jasmine38]

Thanks to you all for the support!
Somehow my email did not show I had other responses...so I came back late...what an obviously great and sweet group of people...
Thanks for that lovely idea, Daisy, about forgiveness....I love that, it is so sweet. And yes....recovery is such a myriad of a conglomeration of gifts...
I have had no contact with him till tonight when we had a brief sad talk and came to the same conclusion...except for me, and thats that its also time for me to look at my control issues...I wouldn't want to deal with the next relationship the same, even if the triggers aren't as intense, I really have an issue with control. And it felt better to let him know that.
I suspect my past will be less a trigger with someone who doesn't trigger it...I need to remember that I am a stronger more sensitive more loving person because of the paths I've been on.
We ended in tears and then I came home even more sad, but also resolved. He is a very good man who is on a different path....and maybe he will grow and change, but I can't hold my breath, I got to move on.

Thanks again everyone, the kindness of strangers has always held such a special place in my heart, thanks for reminding me its still out there!

[Tony]

yep I would have to agree with the others who have replied to you
you have handled yourself with pride and credit to you for doing that.
just remember the past is the past and you can only move forward as you have been doing so well.
please don't let this guy push you to the point where you do get to upset as that may trigger some bad thoughts and may take you back on the past.
he has hurt you and let you down and with him being next door is hard to deal with the sooner he is out and gone the better it will be for you in a lot of ways.

there are guys out there that will put you first and treat you like a princess
thank you for being so open and honest with us.
please feel free to come back here onto the ATLF to chat as we are all here to help you

[daisychip]

I also thank you jasmine38. the changing paths you have been traveling and have shared here have not only helped you sweetie.

I am sorry that you are hurting. It's never easy to let go. We will be here for you if you need us. And I'm sure you would have lots to add in the forum. Sharing your opinions can be very helpful too.

[**Sapphire**]

I'm glad that we could help you when you needed it jasmine38 hun! This is a great group of caring people we have here. I hope that you come on back here & chat with us more.

Remember if you ever need any of us we are always around on or off the forum.

[~Teej~]

You are very welcome Jasmine, I am very glad that our input is helping you get through.
Don't become a stranger here and let us know how things work out.

[jasmine38]

Just checking in to say hi..and thanks for all the kind words, again..
I am doing a little better now, I am preparing to do a show on Sunday where I will sing some of my originals (for the first time, I have always been done other peoples music) and am so looking forward to getting myself back, piece by piece. Today I didn't cry although my heart felt mighty weighty...so I guess thats progress. Tomorrow I'll go ride the sweet horse I sponsor and that will get me smiling again.
My ex is looking for a place and I believe that its both of us who hope that happens soon, although looking on craigslist it looks pretty meager in the rental world. I'm just going to have to give it to the universe, let go, and hope for the best.
Thanks Tony for a mans agreement in my decisions...
I will stay in this sweet li'l online community...but how do I get the site to let me know I've gotten new messages?
Blessings....

[Tony]

we are having a few little problems that are being worked on Jasmine
I had a look in your Profile and you are set to receive notifications
notifications should be working soon

you don't have to thank me Jasmine I believe you can be proud of yourself for what you are doing.

I am very pleased that you will stay a part of our community we are always here for each other

[~Teej~]

Hey Jasmine, I am very happy to hear that you are going to stick around with us, that is great

[**Sapphire**]

Good luck on Sunday Jasmine! Come on by & let us know how your night went singing.

I'm glad to hear that your doing better, step by step everything doe get better.

[daisychip]

I'm glad to hear that you are keeping active and making progress in healing. I think you will be a great addition to the forum and will have lots of good input.

[jasmine38]

Hi everyone,
So here's the latest....first of all my show went great last night, I think I stood out among the rest for being unique and authentic....there was some amazing talent there who it felt great to rub shoulders with...but that made it nervewracking too!

Jeff and I have decided to try again from a different angle. We talked about how enmeshed our lives had become, and how controlling I had been.....mostly, I talked about that. I was making myself sick paying to much attention to the relationship and not myself. I asked him if he thought it would have looked different between us if we were less enmeshed and if I really focused on me and stopped watching him as much. We both agreed it would look different and it seemed a pity not to at least try again.

Of course we also talked about the pot thing, and he agreed that he would never smoke it around me again. He made a good point that he has changed every thing about his life and has really enjoyed mostly not smoking it, and that it was super disrespectful and wrong of him to bring that energy home. He also is ready and willing to be in therapy, on his own, as I am, so that he can bring some better communication skills to the table. Maybe we'll have to see a couples therapist too, but for now this is a lot for us both to work on, so baby steps.

I am, of course, scared that this is the wrong decision, but I was scared the breakup decision was wrong to...for I felt a lot of it had to do with my intense need to control everything around me. To talk about that on a separate note, I have issues with everyone in my life regarding my control and temper stuff..and its been making me miserable....and affecting everything in turn. I want to let it go, and really focus on my music and my growth, coming back to Jeff and I, it really might be different if I do.

In my recovery I have learned that when we are in blame mode, its really just stuff we need to look at. Actually something I heard at a meeting...."If you take the bla bla bla out of blame blame blame all you have is me me me..." LOL

It may still not work, but I WAS on the path of trusting him and it was going well when the pot thing happened. No excuse to cross my simple boundary, but I sure was on him non stop about everything.

We shall see....I think my friends are in shock, and hope they will accept and forgive my choice....

[jasmine38]

Oh yeah, and he is still going to look for another place...

[Tony]

first thing hun don't worry about what your friends think because if you want to work things out with Geff you go with your heart there.

I also think a couples therapist may just be a good idea also

I am pleased the show went well for you

I am pleased for you hun

[**Sapphire**]

I agree with Tony Jasmine, you have to go with your heart. You know your relationhip best with Jeff & if you both want to try it again, then go for it hun.

I'm happy to hear that your show went well too.

[daisychip]

Congratulations on your show.....thats awesome!

I am happy for you to want to try again. Seeing and being able to admit real problems in the relationship and willingness to make change is never a bad thing. co-dependency can be very difficult to break and I'm glad that the two of you will not be living together as space is actually a good thing when you're battling that force. I don't think you really need forgiveness from your friends for your choice jasmine.........i mean they don't live with the good or bad of it, only you do, but i know what you mean. I agree we can only change ourselves but at the same time we HAVE to be careful of our boundaries, they can be stretched and slip away pretty easy, just want you to keep aware. I think the more you feel you have control of yourself, the less you will feel the need to control people around you. You're moving in the right direction. I wish you both success in conquering the issues that have hurt your relationship. Staying open.....it's impossible to fail.

[jasmine38]

Thanks so much to you all.....Daisy, went to my first alanon meeting last night and boy did I feel at home....that says something....
Well its interesting to re-engage...so far everything has been good, I've caught myself a few times trying to suggest or control...and I back off. Or I ask him..."does that feel like I'm trying to control?" And both times he said "No, I think you are suggesting something I want to do..." Like taking a walk with my dog in town while I get a massage, so he can get to know the area he has moved to...

Last night I fell down some stairs after that massage...was super spaced and my flip flop just didn't connect right and I went down and banged up my elbow and hip pretty bad...it was weird, I never do stuff like that...I can't help but wonder at my groundedness after making this decision...I'm such a magical thinker its ridiculous at times, helpful at others...but it seems strange that right after allowing him back in to my space I burned my hand and fell down the stairs. Just trying to pay attention...

This weekend I am going away camping on an AA retreat in a beautiful place...and Jeff is going to a rock festival with old buddies...I think we just really need to maintain some separateness..so this is good.

Thanks again everyone for being understanding. Two of my girlfreinds and my sponsor were at my show, and I was so nervous that they would judge me for re engaging. They ARE nervous for me, but mostly its me judging myself. Like...did I give him enough time to think about how he hurt me? Am I just too scared to wait for someone else? Stuff like that...

[daisychip]

so wonderful to hear you were comfortable at the meeting.......i think it says since you are seeking out a better life, you are going to the right places......can't be uncomfortable there huh?

sometimes we just never know what a sign is do we? i really am sorry about your "pains" but I have to admit it made me laugh. maybe you're just not paying enough attention to the "solid" world around you...lol.

All the questions you're asking yourself, I think, are pretty pointless now that you are getting back together. Forget them and just go with what needs to happen now.....you know...."do the next right thing".......and let yourself be happy in it.

Have fun on the re-treat! I know it will be awesome, they usually are.

[jasmine38]

Oh I know!! One second I'm at the top of the stairs next I'm on my a--- at the bottom...yeah, it was pretty funny really.
Your right. Just gonna stick to one decision at a time...one day at a time...

[dutchdiosa]

Exactly. I am so happy for you hun! Sorry I disappeared for a while. However, like you said...one day at a time, and soon you won't have any problems like that bothering you. How's your bum doing? =P

[**Sapphire**]

Baby steps is the best way to go Jasmine hun!

I'm sorry to hear about the tumble you took hun, I hope your feeling ok. If you have any aches or pains, try soaking in a hot tub, it always helps.

Sounds to me like your doing ok, have a good time this weekend hun.

[dutchdiosa]

Yeah! Let us know how it goes hun!

[jasmine38]

Hi everyone...
I fell off the face of earth for awhile there....and of course since I am now back in pain around my relationship I am back here, where I found lots of support last time...
So it didn't work. Even with Alanon. Jeff started smoking weed almost every day again. Things would get better, then worse, then better...but always because I came to the table willing to admit my part, and offering solutions. He doesn't bring any. I am breaking up with him tonight after work, and asking him to give his 30 day notice and then go stay with his relatives. His cousins wife has assured me he is welcome there, and theres room...so I am trying not to feel guilty.

I can't tell y'all how many times I had to remind him of the ONE boundary...to not bring the pot and alcohol energy around me, and to tell me himself if he had used, so I wouldn't have to ask. Friday night we had plans to hang out and within an hour of him texting me saying he was stopping to get a slice of pizza with his cousin he works with when I get another text saying he had a few beers. Yeah, he was honest, but I still lost it. I told him if I used I could end up dead somewhere and he LAUGHED at me. I hated him, but myself too...I felt like my sobriety was the problem. I felt like an uptight b---- for having to hold this boundary. I felt super jealous that he could use and I couldn't. And I felt hatred at him for choosing to drink instead of hang out with me. All combined I went in to a rage and wanted...more than any time in this five years of recovery, to throw it all away and go to the bar. Instead I took a bath...but I was trembling with anger sadness and cravings all night. The next morning I felt suicidal, and like I still wanted to drink. So I did what I know to do....called my sponsor, my therapist, my friends...went to meetings, went to two therapy sessions instead of my usual one, and told Jeff I needed 7 days no contact so I could think. It was horrendous. I still feel horrible from it all. This was Fri the 26th

I have thought, alot. And written. And woken up at 4 am sobbing after bad dreams. In the program they always say more will be revealed, and I have had more be revealed to the point of exhaustion....why am I doing this? Why am I not listening to the revelations?

So I'm ending it.
Here's the catch. I love him so so so much. I am wrecked at the thought of my life alone again, without him. I am wrecked that the dreams I had that included us both are dashed. I am at work trying not to fall apart. I am praying for strength to follow thru. I am praying for strength to not be angry at him for not being right for me.
I am so broken. But I still have my sobriety, and thats a miracle. These feelings will pass. But right now I feel I have a vice grip on my heart. Crussshhhheeeddd.

[aussiecoffee007]

im sorry that you are heartbroken, i understand what a difficult decision this must have been for you... but i think this is the best decision for you and your life right now adn in the long run. we are here if you need us...

im glad you had the strength to do this, but were here for you

[jasmine38]

Thanks Aussie....two more hours then I go talk to him....I am SO not looking forward to it.
Thanks for listening, missed you all!

[aussiecoffee007]

well good luck talking to him, let us know how it goes

glad to see you back too!

[jasmine38]

Hey All, Aussie,
I broke it off with him at 6:30 and made it to my beginners Alanon meeting by 7...this is a record....our talk went as expected...I told him that I felt I had done everything I could do to make it work, and that I am walking away. I reminded him we had an agreement that if we didn't work out he would move, he said he had already given notice, which I had thought he might but was hurt he did (I know thats silly)
I then asked as a favor that he stay at his cousins till his 30 days are up. I said I had been dangerously close to hurting myself by relapsing and that I couldn't bear seeing him after we broke up. He very reluctantly agreed to it once he realized I was asking, not demanding.
He then got whiney and weird about me being cold, said fine its not going to work, but we are two people who love eachother, why did I have to be mean and cold? He tried to hug me...Thats where my boundaries got tested...I stayed super calm and said "I'm sad, I'm not angry, I'm not trying to be cold...sorry if it feels that way but I'm just trying to take care of me, I haven't been well with all this, and I need to cut all the chords between us to be able to walk away. I have to go to my meeting now Jeff, sorry."
And drove away.
My meeting was just the medicine I needed...I saw lots of people who were trying to keep these boundaries with addicts and alcoholics in their lives, and I actually felt lucky to be sober five years, and to have grown in to a woman who knows the limits of my sanity. I'm still sad, but I feel already more calm, relieved, looking forward to not being sad, to not TRYING so hard to make it work, come up with solutions alone, bring feasts to a table where he brought famine...I am clear this time, I really really am.
We'll see about tomorrow...thanks all, blessings
Cynthia

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome back jasmine38, we sure did miss you hun!

I'm sorry to hear that in your coming back here that it's tied to some sadness. I'm sorry that Jeff wasn't strong enough to not use anymore.

I am very glad though that through your turmoil when he told you he had some drinks that YOU didn't throw away all your time being clean & sober. That shows what kind of strong woman you have become & how far you have come in your ongoing recovery, I'm very proud of you!

It also seems that you did make the right decision to break it off with Jeff. I think it would make your recovery so much harder knowing he is using drugs & alcohol. You don't need the added stressors of wanting to drink again because he does, you know?

Take it 1 day at a time hun & also know that we are all here for you too, on or off the forum.

[aussiecoffee007]

well im glad you stayed strong throughout the meeting too, it sounds like it went as well as it could have... i think you have made the right decision...

[jasmine38]

Thanks, I am hoping the pain will pass..I feel sick with it. He is moving out completely on Halloween. I am sure that will drum up even more feelings. Crap. I am so not looking forward to more pain...
I am trying to schedule the next two weekends away so I can get some space from...the energy....we played house here so much it feels like a ghost town.
Hey all, should I start a new thread? LOL...of my new chapter of pain? Or is it ok to just keep this one?

[**Sapphire**]

You can start a new thread, something fresh we can all talk about, it's up to you jasmine hun.

We are all here for you through this rough time on or off the forum.

(((HUGS)))