What does he REALLY want, and what should I do?

[justvisiting]

wow! I'd completely forgotten that I'd posted on here until I got an email saying I had a reply!

Well, I never talked to him again in person. The night I wrote that, he'd chose his friends over me and that's fine because I had a great night on my own. I vowed never to let a guy trample all over me again. And somehow, miraculously and as corny as it sounds, I've seen the light. I honestly have never felt so independent, happy, and glad to be single and I am loving it! I do not need a man in my life. Right now I don't even want one. I don't wanna be anywhere near one! I am getting how they work and honestly being a doormat is not sexy. Confidence and willpower are. This is great! I only said one thing to him and that was a text because he didn't answer the phone call (duh). It was "I understand why you treated me the way you did. Because I let you. And it made me realize the greatest thing: I would so much rather concentrate on my life and my happiness, and I don't want a relationship. If I did have one someday, I wouldn't want it with you anyway." Harsh? Maybe, but true, DEFINITELY. I deserve SO much better. No more changing myself, chasing, or being desperate. I am so much better than that.

Thank you for the words of advice. I read them late but they sound great and so simple now that I'm out of that haze!


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Long story short: I started dating a guy when I was eighteen (he is a year older) and I felt very strong feelings for him, trusted him, and lost my virginity to him thinking that he really wanted to be my boyfriend for a long time. Not so. He broke up with me soon after and we continued to "hook back up" for the next year. We tried friends with benefits (I wanted more, as most women do in that situation). He wanted it to be very light and easy, just as I have always wanted, but felt that because I liked to talk every day (and that requires texting just to say hi, or having a conversation over texts, or even a phone call once in a while). That was too much contact for him. Eventually I gained the confidence to say no, he either needed to learn to commit or this wasn't going to work. We tried it, and for once he started acting like a real live boyfriend, and before I knew it, he'd dumped me again.

He dated other girls between going out with me. One even lived with him for about a month (she was visiting from a different country), so it made me really sad to see him in "relationships" with other girls but not with me. I'm not needy. I really am quite independent. I don't need much support or approval, but I feel like if you're going out with a person, that's kind of necessary. I like to talk to the guy I'm seeing every day when we're far apart, even if it's just for a few minutes. He acts like this is the hugest obligation or demand and that I am asking way too much.

He moved away a few months ago and I finally made my peace with him and literally only wanted to be friends. I just didn't want the bad blood between us. So it was fine. I was happy for him. I was in a relationship with someone else. Then a few weeks ago, I had to break up with this guy I'd been going out with for four months. He was way too clingy and serious, and was really very dependent on me for everything. I couldn't stand it so I told him goodbye (there were a lot of other reasons too). Anyway I started talking to the ex just to ask when he'd be home next, since I thought it'd be nice to talk to someone I can connect with (and he's always been that type of a person). The guy I'd just broken up with wasn't very deep, although he was very, very outspoken with his affection. He could communicate but there was no "spark" between us.

Immediately Mr. Ex (the old one) starts asking if I want to start over, do it all again, but this time, do everything right. I think....WHAT? Him? Wanting to do a relationship RIGHT? It had always been like pulling teeth to discuss anything relationship-like. He'd always leave or get mean, or get too upset. So here he was suggesting that we try it over. Then came the kicker - He wanted me to move down there, get a one-bedroom with him, and live together. What? I was just astounded and obviously said no. I had too much stuff going on where I was to move that quickly. He expected it to happen way too quickly for me. I was just flabbergasted. I said I actually had been thinking about moving (which I had been considering for a couple months). I hadn't thought of the city where he lives, but it actually would be quite nice for my major and other educational/career plans. He talked about how living there had changed him and how everything was different, and how he really wanted a woman in his life and that woman was me, and how he never brought it up before then because he knew I was in a serious relationship with someone.

So he came up and visited, and honestly, it's been very confusing. First, I thought he was coming directly to me. No, he was coming to his friends, so I'd have to meet him down in our home town where he could hang out with all of us. Understandable. I didn't mind coming home anyway and needed to for Thanksgiving as it was. We spent the other night together but as soon as I got there and was hoping for some grand reunion, he was drunk and being crazy with friends and seriously did NOT acknowledge my presence. It felt horrible. I knew this side of him, and this was the Old Him. Later in the night, his friend (who was heavily drunk and talkative) started talking about how he had been trying to be an *** to me the past few days. That he really wanted to have me come down there, or that he would even move back up north and go to school near me. He said that he spent a lot of his time talking to me and he did actually want me, and he also mentioned that he has been stuck on me for a while. This confused me a lot. I didn't understand the whole acting like a jerk on purpose thing.

We hung out soon enough and hugging him hello was like something I haven't ever experienced. I didn't know how much I'd missed him. I felt like this was right and perfect. He paid attention to me from then on and did apologize for not being able to greet me right away -how there were a lot of people he hadn't seen in a while and needed to spend time with. I still felt a little underappreciated because he really blew me off at first. We spent that night together and it was great. The next day I went to drop him off at his mom's (he left his car at home and had carpooled up) and I met her for the first time and we really hit it off and spent a good chunk of the day hanging out there, getting to know each other, just doing stuff around the house. It was really great. Something that just felt totally right and long awaited. His mom was so great to me and made it sound like she'd heard a lot about me. Over the phone she was talking to friends and would say, oh yes my son just came home and he and his girlfriend are doing this or that. He looked at me when she did that and kind of gave me a "she's confused or she doesn't really know what she's saying" look. I went home a while later pretty happy.

We hung out last night and things were weird. He waits forever to hang out and then when we do, he doesn't really talk to me much at all. He's much more interested in everybody else. Toward the end of the night though, he spent more time near me and then I drove him to his ma's where he said I could stay too. I did, and we had a really awkward conversation last night. He was kind of trying to get me to do stuff with him and I didn't feel right about it because I was confused about his mixed messages. He said that I knew where he stood. He wanted me, but he didn't want a big serious relationship because all he sees are people getting married young and hating each other or fighting all the time, and he said that my needing to or wanting to talk to him every day was too much, and he explained how he basically raised himself and was very independent and that's just who he is, he doesn't need to talk to anyone, and for example he wouldn't have a problem with not talking to me for weeks. I found that kind of offensive. I told him that his ideas about what I wanted were off. I don't like big serious relationships either. I had one and it scared me. I needed way more space. I needed my own stuff. I needed to be independent, not feel bad about spending time by myself or with friends. So honestly the whole wanting-to-talk-every-day is more of a boredom and missing thing. I miss him, I like him. I just like to check in, say hi, how are you, and go on with my day.

We both don't know if I've been accepted or not to the college in his town. I did apply at one point. I don't think I'll get in, as it's very prestigious. For many reasons OTHER than HIM, I want to move. I have thought about moving for a long time but ruled out my home state because i didn't think I liked it, but that town would be a fun, exciting place to go. Living with him? It's a huge step that seems very modern and cool but also very scary and risky. I don't want the big scary relationship where we have to talk constantly or check in constantly or share everything or never have alone time- far from it! I need time for myself, I need to concentrate on school as I'm starting to get close to graduation and I need to focus on grad school. I'm interested in moving for reasons OTHER than him, but he makes it kind of easy and simple to give me that opportunity. Last night that talk made us both feel really awkward. I think we both wanted me to leave but it wouldn't have done any good so I didn't. I stayed. I simply a..............

[Tuxie]

If this is 'long story short', I'd sure like to see the 'long version'.

Wow... he is very tough to read. If he is just naturally 'that way', then I guess the question you'd need to ask yourself is... do you want a relationship like that?

As far as 'reading him'... if I was trying to figure him out, I'd forget trying to figure him out. There doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason to how he's acting.

You sound to me like you've got your life pretty figured out. He, on the other hand, doesn't.

Take care... let us know how it turns out. Chin up!