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Old 11-07-2007, 12:50 AM   #1
leadinglady
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Red face He doesn't say 'I love you', does he love me or not?

I hope you guys can help me and be open minded about this.

I fell in love with a 30 year old man who is in a four year old relationship with another woman. The thing is, we're really close. He talks to me about things he doesn't talk to with his girlfriend. His girlfriend has no idea about what he's been up to. He becomes a different person around her. He feels extremely comfortable with me because I really accept him just the way he is. He calls us good friends and Im confused. Do good friends behave this way with each other? He hates it if I don't call or sms him for a day and will always want to know how was my day every single day before he falls asleep. Its like he cannot rest until he hears my voice. He gets jealous if I date other guys but he doesn't admit it. One time I went out on a date with someone else so I can get over him, he called me during that date and he sounded like he was crying. We are sexually attracted to each other, and even though we try very hard not to sleep with each other because of him being in a relationship, it happened twice. In truth we cannot take our hands off each other but both of us try hard to not have sex again because he doesn't want to hurt me and he doesn't want to hurt her. Plus premarital sex is wrong in my religion, and we both shouldn't do it again.

He knows I love him. He tells me he cares a lot for me and he's trying hard to not hurt me. But I never heard him say he loves me. I can feel he does love me by the simple things he would do for me, like remembering me complaining about something and gives me money for it even when I didn't ask him to, calling me just to tell me silly things or to listen to my voice, forcing me to go to the clinic with him when I tell him I don't feel well and checking up on me hourly after that. He doesn't call me baby names or promises me the moon, but the simple things he does shows that he is sincere.

He's been with a love triangle relationship that involved his girlfriend, him and another girl. All three of them were very hurt and he tells me he doesn't want that to happen again. The girl even attempted suicide. He told me about this the first two times we went out on a date. I was thinking maybe he doesn't want to tell me he loves me because he's afraid once he does and we have established our feelings for each other the whole thing with that other girl will happen again. For some odd reason he cannot leave his girlfriend. We're Muslims you see, and he is allowed to marry more than one. He expressed this to me a few times, directly and indirectly, and even asked me if I would marry him one day. I said yes. But I don't know if it will happen. He tells me he will marry her soon and you have no idea how much it hurts though I saw it coming since the first day he told me he wasn't available. I should have stopped seeing him a long time ago but I just fell in love with him. Everyone tells me it is so obvious he cares so much about me, and for that fact I am reluctant to let him go.

Despite all that he never referred me as his girlfriend. Everyone can see we are behaving like a couple although we don't have pet names or tell each other how much we love each other. So I'm asking your opinion. Does all this mean this man is in love with me? Action speaks louder than words? If a man wants to marry you, is it because he loves you?

I would love you to death if you would give me fair answers
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Old 11-07-2007, 01:01 AM   #2
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Maybe he loves you but I think if he truly did he would leave his girlfriend...I know things aren't black and white but he has told you he is going to marry his girlfriend..but he is fooling around with you...and you will marry him when he is married to another...do you really want to share your husband with another woman..?..what if you both had children and then there would be children involved...If I were you I would ask him to choose and if it's not you then move on...You deserve so much more than to be treated like this...

Tell yourself something though, if you asked him and he chose you..Would you trust that he wouldn't do to you what he is doing to his girlfriend?...

From what I have read I don't like the sound of this man one little bit.

I know that love can make us do silly things, but I don't think he is worth it

Sorry for my bluntess and welcome to ATLF
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Old 11-07-2007, 01:13 AM   #3
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From experience I want to say that you ought to be careful.. physically and emotionally with this guy. Though I can understand that depending on the complications and etc., it is difficult to end a relationship, however if he is not married to her and will be soon and continues to see you and express some sort of concern over you.. don't trust him.

Sorry..
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Old 11-07-2007, 01:13 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Teej~ View Post
Maybe he loves you but I think if he truly did he would leave his girlfriend...I know things aren't black and white but he has told you he is going to marry his girlfriend..but he is fooling around with you...and you will marry him when he is married to another...do you really want to share your husband with another woman..?..what if you both had children and then there would be children involved...If I were you I would ask him to choose and if it's not you then move on...You deserve so much more than to be treated like this...

Tell yourself something though, if you asked him and he chose you..Would you trust that he wouldn't do to you what he is doing to his girlfriend?...

From what I have read I don't like the sound of this man one little bit.

I know that love can make us do silly things, but I don't think he is worth it

Sorry for my bluntess and welcome to ATLF
Gee thanks, that was quick! I posted this question somewhere a few days ago and no one replied :/ thanks a lot!

I don't trust that he won't do it with me. That's why I don't ask him to choose. I know he will always want someone else in his life, thats why after the other girl left he found me. I guess his girlfriend is not enough for him, he would want a second girl to fill in the gap she cannot fill. It sounds like he's a jerk right? Its stupid and very strange but I understand that about him. I know if I go someone else will replace me. I don't know I hope I can find answers soon. Its really been hard but I guess what makes us weak will make us stronger.

Bluntness is good. Thanks so much~~ And I like this place, you guys are friendly Ok, YOU are friendly haha.
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Old 11-07-2007, 01:15 AM   #5
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Thanks I will keep that in mind. Hopefully someone better will come along for me.
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Old 11-07-2007, 01:17 AM   #6
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Hee Hee....Don't worry other people will reply, but it is late and they are in bed which is where I should be...

It is hard to let go when you love someone so much...I know it is...but It is best for you...Like you said he will replace you if you left.....if he loved you then he couldn't do that, not easily anyway.

The sooner you say enough's enough, the sooner you will get through the pain...It will be tough, but you can do it...Be strong...He is only a man after all
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Old 11-07-2007, 01:23 AM   #7
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I would have to agree with Teej here
one man and two Ladies does not work sooner or later someone is going to get hurt badly.
filling a gap is not a good way of thinking it has to be either love you or not.

as for him he is not thinking with his heart or mind here.

sorry but that is what I see with this man

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Old 11-07-2007, 02:05 PM   #8
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I agree with the others here hun. I know as you said as per his religion he can have more than 1 wife, but honestly here hun, would you always want to be second in his life? Heck you could even be third, fourth if he decides to take on more women than just you 2, you never know hun. Even if he doesn't take on more women, you will always be second in his life.

Setting religion aside here, NOBODY should be made to feel like second in a relationship, it's wrong...IMO.

I think it's best to let him go, let him pick somebody else up, as long as it's not you. I see nothing good coming out of it, but more confusion & possibly getting hurt alot & that is not good for you at all.

Oh & also WELCOME to ATLF!! So glad that you joined us & decided to post! This is a warm, caring community of people we have here! Hope to see you online more & chatting with us!
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Old 11-11-2007, 03:34 PM   #9
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I know I am late coming into this thread but if you're still around and want to hear another opinion I'm certainly glad to share mine............lol.

I'm sorry to say but neither one of you should be trying to interject any religious belief as a basis for what should or should not be done here. You both have thrown that out the window so now all your left with is a moral stand point.

IMO.........all this man is trying to do is get you to be part of a harem. He doesn't tell you he loves you because he doesn't. He'll make you believe until he gets what he wants. Don't think there aren't crafty, sly jerks out there that don't and I would say thats the only part of his 'religion' that he has mastered.

I know you want to believe that he's sincere but I have not one part of me that says he's anything more than a hustler.

Now the only question left leadinglady is if you think so much of the religious right for him to have more than one wife that you would want to be part of it. I personally don't think I (or you) need to be married to be used for sex and bearing of children. We can find that on any street corner or at any bar, or anywhere.

It doesn't sound like you're blind enough to think that he's going to leave his gf for you and be a faithful man, so what is it that YOU want? Thats all you have to figure out.

I hope I don't sound to harsh as that's not what I'm trying to be. I think you just need to figure out if you could live in a situation like that.
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Old 01-01-2008, 11:43 PM   #10
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I agree with Teej, if he liked you he would leave his current girlfriend... It's just the reasonable thing to do... unless he wants to make you jealous...
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