Confused and Hurt...

[westernport]

I'm in a dilemma and I think I did something to blow a potentially good thing. I have been talking with a girl for the last month or so, and everything was going so well -- chatting, chemistry and what not talking on the phone, plus chatting online, so I decided to head to up to see her.

I live in Maryland, and she's in Maine.I drove up to see her this weekend, and things could not have gone any better. We did dinner and a movie and spent about 5 hours together that night. After the date, we ended up kissing for well over 10 minutes in the car before I decided to call it a night.

We met up the next morning, and we attended a birthday party for a friend of hers. Well, she didn't have enough time to buy a gift, so I bought a gift card and fronted the money until I got paid back. We had a good time at the party and I took pictures for her friend -- I do pro stuff part time, and that was that.

Thereafter, she invited me over her place and I met her kids. We had a lobster dinner -- she, I and the kids at her place -- and then we cuddled up and watched a movie.After the movie -- it was late, she was tired, but she invited me to her bedroom and we cuddled and kissed again passionately until she went to sleep. There was no sex involved, but it was fairly steamy. I slept in her bed until morning and then we had breakfast, before I had to leave.

Again, we had passionate kissing for about ten minutes, and then I drove off. When I was driving home, I sent her a text message, and then I saw her Facebook profile noting a message noting, "not sure if having an open heart is or good or not".

So we talked some more, and she says she enjoyed her time went well, plus her kids and pet loved me. I will also add that she said that she's not trying to rush into anything and I told her that neither am I. She also added that she falls hard for men, and she has had to let a lot of them go. She is a nine year divorcee.

So, we chat on Facebook the day after, and then I replied back to a few of her posts. Thereafter, I don't see her -- she's posting in the meantime, and decided to block me. I give her a call, and sent her text. The funny thing too is that her daughter decided to also friend me, but I told her that I should wait and get permission before anything.

I emailed her seeing this -- I didn't think there was any problem beforehand -- and said what's wrong. She unblocked me and said, "I need you to give me space -- it's weirding me out a bit. Thanks."

So, I said -- look, I am sorry, but we used talked like this and especially what happened this weekend. She then told me to chill out and take 10 steps back and I said sorry to her.

I don't know where all this came from, but it is very weird. I would not ordinarily even entertain the thought of meeting up with her; however, things went so well this weekend, that I think I'm just going to wait and see what's going on.

I will not email or call to see what's going on at least until next week, or if even the weekend.

Any advice?

[BristolFan]

She's obviously confused, not sure what she wants - and most likely, scared.

She let you know that she falls hard for men, and has had to let many go - that is difficult, and knowing that she gets attached easily and has been hurt will affect all her future decisions

Your time going well put her under pressure in one way - you see, it pushes her into a decision of whether she wants more, and wants to carry on. Everything - her kids loving you, her friends.. Does she really want to get attached and hurt herself if it all goes wrong, and hurt her kids? She has to think about them aswel. She will want to make sure she is making the right decision. All she knows is being hurt it seems, she's had to let go of the others shes loved and 'fallen hard for' - so she's wondering if and why the case with you would be any different

Knowing that if all went well, you'd probably go up and see her again soon, and the same - if not more - would happen
This was probably very scary for her, fear of getting hurt, of making the wrong decision, of getting too attached

You need to try to understand this, and not take it too personally. It is not your fault - but then, it's not hers either.

If she carried on, unsure of what she wanted, she may be leading you on for nothing, and end up hurting you even more.
Yeah, she was probably sudden and didn't go the right way when it came to blocking you - but people do that when they get scared.
She probably thought it was the EASIEST thing to do.

You need to let her know she can have AS MUCH SPACE AS SHE NEEDS and that you will RESPECT whatever decisions she comes to.

Don't mope around, waiting for her to contact you, or spending your time thinking of her too much - try to keep yourself occupied and busy. If she wants to talk to her, be there.
Just let her know that you'll give her time and space.

However, don't let her mess you about, constantly change her mind, or keep you waiting..

You need to get on with your own life, and not concentrate and revolve it around her.

If she makes the decision we are hoping for, she'll come to you.

Try and keep busy, do your normal stuff, see friends, concentrate career/life goals - whatever.

Don't sit around, waiting for her -just let her know you're there if she needs you, that she can have her space, and that you'll respect whatever decision she comes to.

[westernport]

Well, it's over and done. She emailed me and said we were not a good match and we were done.

I went back to her Facebook page yesterday saying hello and good luck in her race. She not only not only blocked me, but later in the day sent me an email saying it was through and said I "killed it".

I texted her sorry for whatever happened, and then her reply I kid you not, "Leave me the f**k alone. Move on for Christ's sake. What are you, a f**king moron."

Needless to say, this is something I don't deserve. You all no idea how angry I am.

[BristolFan]

I understand how you are feeling.

And I know it can be hard but - she was obviously confused and scared.. you have to think that maybe this was the best thing possible..
You tried, you couldn't have done any more so you leave with no regrets
She could have played you and strung you along for a lot longer than she did.

Atleast she was straight and has made it clear what she wants. Making it easier to move on, and not wonder or hope for something more.

You didn't kill it. And don't take this personally.

Concentrate on other things, go out with your friends, try to get rid of anything that will cause you to think of her - and you will soon move on

We are all here for you, and any other issues you may have - or simply just to chat.
You will meet others - you can go away from this, and take anything you have learnt, and move on with your life.

Dont wait around or hope she changes her mind.

Just concentrate on your own life. Have some fun and enjoy yourself.
You will soon find someone else.

Keep in there.

[westernport]

Yeah, I am sure I didn't. I thought I treated her with nothing but respect, and actually we talked about meeting again in a while.

Everything changed that Monday and went downhill ever since. I more or less sent her text only because instead of sad and confused, I was tonight now more furious than anything.

I guess this is my way of giving her the last word, but I said, "What's the matter with you. I didn't deserve that at all after everything..."

I am now SO over this and I feel better that I least kept my dignity intact.

[Billie2008]

My friend, you are not to blame for this, one bit.

She sounds like a horrible lady you could be alot happier without. you seem like a real nice person and I'm sure there are lots of women out there that you could make happy, so dont let her get you down, you did nothing wrong

[westernport]

I'm all right now. It's amazing that I actually really developed some strong feelings after a while and would have considered having a relationship if it came to that. I felt the bond initially was that strong.

I have no idea what she become so angry about, but I don't take disrespect by anyone well at all; therefore, I felt the need to send a final text telling her how wrong she is.

[Billie2008]

I'm glad youre ok. Its shi**y when you really feel that you have something when someone, and then the other person either changes their mind, or goes a bit weird, like she has with yourself.

You were right to send that final text, I know I woul have. Time to move on and meet someone else though that WILL treat you right as us folks here say

[westernport]

Thanks for the support. My mood is considerably different than it was a few hours ago. I can't believe how liberated I feel after sending it. It's like my mood has gone from dour and near a panic attack to liberation...

[Billie2008]

I know the feeling. I'm glad you sent it, at the end of the day, why should you have to take this from her? not just her, anyone?

If someone said that to us in the street we would stick up for ourselves and I'm glad that you have stuck up for yourself too. Do you really want to be stuck with someone like that?

In a way.. I think it may be better she blew her top like she did.. I recently split with my long term gf, and she was so nice after the break up, making sure I was ok and calling me, answering my texts, whilst stick with her decision of a split, now I sit here wondering about stuff, and feeling angry at myself for not just letting it go. Its so much easier when you can blame someone an hate them to forget about her, unfortunatley I dont have that at the moment If you understand what I mean.

[westernport]

Thanks a lot.

I've not emailed her or texted her at all today. It's not to say I have not forgotten her, but I'm trying my best to let it all go and stay away from things that would remind me of her. Perhaps my problem was that I put too much hope into this and when things went wrong, it came crashing down.

In the end, I might have smothered her, but I should have known by the "I need space comment and to chill out", that my hopes were doomed big time.

There were some warning signs -- she had an ex on her Facebook page, and she was in contact with him.

I should have known better then, but I was too wrapped up into things.

[BristolFan]

yeah thats the best thing to do
youve said what you need to say
now try to avoid her and anything which will keep you attached to her

try and do as much as you can to keep yourself occupied - heck, even come here and help post on other peoples posts if you have nothing to do

good luck, keep us updated on how you're feeling/getting on
afterall, that's what we're here for

[westernport]

I definitely will keep you all posted. I'm going to try to reconnect with a girl who I was talking to before I got wrapped up in all this mess.

I'll be more than happy to contribute to the board, thanks for the invitation. I'll be fine, I feel that sending the final text after only trying to say sorry for everything made me feel a lot better.

I'm not going to be on the sidelines at all. Moreso, I am not going to dwell on a woman who could care less about how I feel.

I do also know that I should do better in restraining my feelings for someone from here on out.

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome to ATLF, glad that you joined & posted with us.

Well I see that I don't need to give you any extra advice, our 2 great members Bristol Fan & Billie helped you out just perfectly.

As said before it does seem like she's confused & I do also think she did you a big favor by letting things go now rather than later.

Good luck to you in the future & I do hope that you come back to lend some support to other members in need here. There's a whole bunch of good things to read & get involved in here at ATLF.

[Tony]

welcome to the ATLF
great advice from great caring ATLF members
nice to have you here with us

[westernport]

Thanks, again.

Days later, I'm still trying to get a pulse as to what happened last weekend. I'm doing my best to not remember this, but I'm just still wondering what in the world I had I gotten myself into.

I've not contacted her at all, but I'm still trying to replay what I did in my mind and the huge risk I took even doing this.

I'm sure she was afraid herself, but the mean and blunt way this was done considering I'd done little to even rock the boat aside from trying to figure out what she meant by the proverbial "I need space line" not only 2 days after meeting (aside from trying to rid of me...)

If I ever got a chance, I'd be seriously interested to know what was in her head.

[**Sapphire**]

Be prepared to not ever know what was in her head.

Remember though too, it wasn't you that did anything wrong. She must have gotten scared & went about letting you know to give her some time the wrong way. Instead of communicating nicely about it, she came on very strong/aggressive. It may have been the way she thought was right so that you would stop contacting her, I don't know.

[westernport]

The story is OVER!

I have deleted her emails from my dating profile, blocked her on Facebook (so she'd never find me), erased her number from my phone and any reference to her. Heck, I ever went as far to delete the photos from the trip.

Thank GOD she doesn't know where I live!

After this experience, like you all have said (THANK YOU), and even trying to figure this all out via email -- I dodged a major bullet and thank my lucky stars I didn't go deeper into this (there's more that even got more spooky, but not worth mentioning).

No worries, there's no reason to even ponder this now. I am chalking this up as bad week in my life and am moving on.

[Billie2008]

Great

You did exactly the right thing, and I admire youre willpower, can I have some please?

You will never have to speak to her again unless you actually see her, so move on and find someone who will treat you right Life is a test and you've just passed a very difficult one, as you could have easily put yourself down about the whole thing and blamed yourself, and willow in self sorrow, but you are better than her, and the next girl you meet will gain all the advantages of what the other girl lost out on.

Its early hours, so apoligies if my post does not make much sense!: )

[**Sapphire**]

Good for you, I'm happy that you had the willpower to delete her from your life!

Sometimes it's just best to "delete" & forget about it all. Alot of people can't do that though & that's when they just go on hurting all the time.

Do come back from time to time to tell us how you're doing. You could even come around to help others out if you would like to, there's always somebody looking for help with their problems.

[westernport]

Yeah, that I text I sent must have set her off. I emailed her once more last week looking for an answer.

Her response via text was, "You're an idiot. I've got a file of all your desperate emails and texts. If you think of even coming up here, you'll meet my state trooper neighbor and my 12 gauge. Leave me alone."

I got the message there and that was all that was needed. There's no point even trying to talk to someone who leaves such an idle threat and threatens violence.

[westernport]

Everyone, thanks again for the help. I've moved on from this and have actually been spending the time working on myself...

I'm grateful for the advice given.

[Billie2008]

You're very welcome. I'm glad you've been able to move on, it does get easier in time Stick around and give advice to other peeps (Y)

[westernport]

I'm sure I'll be fine. It's to the point where I can kind of laugh about it since she kind of threatened me if I dare showed up to her house.

I thought with the way things had went, I could talk it out and I gave it such an Herculean effort; however, for one reason or another, things fizzled super quick. I guess it's better to have seen the ugly side rather than live through a charade.

[westernport]

Amazingly, just out of curiosity -- everything was still ruminating in my head -- I Googled her name, and she joined some forum and noted now that she was "In a Relationship"...

Wow. I guess it all *really* makes sense now. I feel like a bit relieved now, but at least I found out the truth and I definitely feel better it was not my fault and the weird behavior has a story. She stonewalled so much that I knew in the back of my mind something beyond shady was going on, especially after helping her out.

Quite a shi**y thing to do, if you ask me.

[**Sapphire**]

Yeah I do agree not a very nice thing to do at all. *sigh*

That's unfortunately what alot of the internet is about when it comes to finding someone online. Too many people take that you can be anyone you want & run with it.

[westernport]

Right. I am peeved by it all. I just feel melancholy over this whole thing. I feel like I was just used for someone's pleasure or personal needs...

[Billie2008]

Hard to say really, but you know you were not at fault my friend, and the anger and being peeved off will go, and you will just think **** her. I promise. Just give it a bit of time ;D Besides she might have only just got with this person? and might not even be with someone? alot of people I know on facebook etc but in relationship when infact, thery're not.

[westernport]

Billie, it's only been a matter of weeks since I last heard from her. The whole thing came off as very shady to me, I have no idea. I just feel like I was toyed with up and the fact she would not give me the time of day when I helped her out just makes me feel insulted.

[Billie2008]

Yeah thats why I said it might take some time.

I can understand though, and I wasn't having a go I'm not defending her in anyway what so ever as she sounds like a horrible person I've just learnt though that things are never as they seem. The fact that you feel insulted, will help you move on quicker, I've learnt that, and even though it might be difficult to think so at the moment, it is easier to deal with anger and being peeved off at someone than being sad and missing someone.

[westernport]

I'm still peeved. Not that I'm crying, dying to see her or anything like that, but I'm just confused as to why someone would act like that...

I guess it is what is, but I think an explanation for all of it would make me feel better. I have tried to ask, but get no response...

[**Sapphire**]

You know what westernport, being online you may come up against some really shady characters & she seems like 1 of them. You were the unfortunate "victim" in this as you seem like a nice person & she took advantage of that, it sucks, but happens all the time online & even in real life.

I know your peeved & would love an explanation. In an ideal world we all would have our closure to things that have hurt us, but unfortunately, you may never get that explanation.

All you can do is try your hardest to stop thinking about it & her & move on. You will meet someone that will love/care for you & not play dirty head/heart games.

[westernport]

Sapphire, yes, I know. I learned an important lesson and it's risk you take when trying to find the "one". Well, I know I'll never get the answer I want or need, but it's left a very bitter taste in my mouth.

Nevertheless, that does not mean that I won't give other women a chance -- I know now clearly what red flags to look for and also should exercise a little restraint.

Thanks again for your help everyone. You all have been a great source of advice.

[dawningstar]

Hi, I know I am new here, but.... I just needed to say to you that you will never understand why people do the things that they do... it was time to move on and move on you both have abit quicker on her side lol...

Hun, a piece of advice from the feminine side lol, although we love to be loved, sometimes we need to love ourselves more.... don't rush into another relationship, and don't try to change for you are you and will be loved for being you when the right one comes along.... too many times I have seen people change for that "love" and then find themselves alone afterwards... and feeling like they are falling apart for they have lost themself in the process....

Stay away from her, put that in the past on a high shelf as an experience best forgotten.... enjoy life and all that it has to offer and most of all know that when the right one comes along you will know it.... some of what you said, makes me think you already knew that it was wrong to get involved with this person... just be glad it didn't go further or get more vicious.... hope you can enjoy life, as this season is especially important to being happy with ones lot in life.... take care

[westernport]

Thanks for the note, Dawningstar. Now that I've had time to ruminate through this, yeah, it was an enormous risk going up there and having what transpired took place. I was not trying to rush into anything, but I kind of put all my rules aside and went with it.

Like everyone has said, it's good I found out what happened now rather than three, six months down the road. I guess everyone tries to put their best foot forward, but eventually people expose who they are.

She was very aggressive and I went with it, thinking it equated to us "clicking", but missing all the red flags now, I certainly know that time meant very little to her except for her own 'needs'.

My 'need' was to simply stay in contact and chat like we always have especially when it came to the distance, but that became impossible, and her reaction was nothing short of irrational, plus potentially dangerous.

Being hundreds of miles away, it would be silly for me to just 'rush' into anything; in fact, I had not even so much had planned a second meeting.

Again, thanks again for letting me rationalize my issues and thoughts on this forum. Revealing my inner thoughts here has been certainly easier than dealing with it on my own.