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Old 01-29-2013, 12:28 AM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 2
cainsim74 is on a distinguished road
Default What to do next - dating an old crush while being separated

I've been separated for nearly 6 months now and right before xmas, an old crush (Ann)from before my marriage asked me to be her date to a Christmas party. I happily accepted, thinking it was more of an "appearance" date and that it would be nothing but fun. She even said there wouldn't be any making out or sex. A few days later, her best friend asked me the status of my marriage, and at that time, we were trying to work things out. A couple of days later, Ann canceled the date and said it was because I was still trying to work things out with my wife. This gave me the impression that she might have been more interested than I had first thought and I told her that I had a very intense crush on her right before I started dating my wife. To my surprise, she admitted having a crush on me as well but said it was important that I was trying to work things out with my wife and that we remain friends. About 2 weeks after that, it quickly became apparent that my wife and I were never going to work things out and we both lost the ability to care and are not even on talking terms. It's over, done, and not ever going to work. I gave Ann and her daughter xmas presents right before I went out of town for 2 weeks for xmas and she seemed so happy and texted me saying I was an amazing person and we'd hang out when I got back.

A bit about Ann. She's a single mom to an amazing little 6 year old girl and the dad remains in the picture-he lives in town and see's his daughter almost on a daily basis. On the other hand, he doesn't pay a dime towards child care and that brings her a huge amount of stress in her life. Ann grew up with 3 siblings and a single mom who worked her finger to the bone supporting her kids. Her mother had a very, very close relationship with Ann, they were almost inseparable and even slept in the same bed for many years. She's a perfectionist and it's quickly apparent that she devotes her entire life to her daughter and is an amazing mom. She's 100% self sufficient and works very hard and is very proud of that. She said, since she grew up with her mom having boyfriends that would constantly come and go. She hated that as a kid and she vowed to never give her daughter that life. This means we can only hang out when her daughter is at her dad's house and that her house is for her and her daughter only. I respect that to the upmost and I do not want to do anything that would infringe on that at all.

Anyway, back to the timeline. When I got back from vacation, she popped up on chat one night and was asking me about my "situation" and I told her that we weren't' trying to work things out anymore and I was only trying to stay involved in my stepson's life. Her b-day was coming up and she said she didn't really have plans for her b-day night but was to going to a concert the next week as her belated b-day celebration. She was going with friends and invited me along and said if I went, it was going to be her best b-day present. Also before that, we spoke on the phone and she talked about taking a trip with me right when I got divorced and we'd call it my divorce celebration. The night before the concert, she invited me to her house and we had an amazing time hanging out and later went out for drinks and came back to her house and watched documentaries until early in the morning. I said I had to go and she walked me out to the car and gave me a vice-like hug and I kissed her on the lips and said goodbye. About 5 minutes from leaving her house, she called and texted me saying I could stay at her house and that she was worried about me driving. I drove back and we slept together and things went as far as making out and falling asleep in each other's arms. The next night, we went to the concert and then went back to her house to sleep. When we walked in the door, she grabbed me and kissed me and we went upstairs to sleep. This time the make out session was more intense and when I left in the morning, she texted me and said she had a great time hanging out with me for the last 2 days.

So, after that, I was walking around in a state of bliss. The more I learn about her, the more amazing and perfect I find her and it just feels "right" when we're together. I've even had a few friends comment over the years that we would make a great couple.

We didn't talk for a few days after that and this is where I think I started making mistakes. I texted her over the weekend saying "I hope this isn't bad to say but I'm kinda missing you". I didn't receive a reply until Monday and she called me and we spoke about it. She said we had to talk about being married and said this was the "only" problem and if it wasn't for this, we'd be dating now. She said for right now that she likes hanging out with me but, since I was married, at this time there would be "NO feelings at all" from me. She said she was a little bit freaked out when she got the text but also said she was feeling the same thing and that she had an amazing time hanging out and that she loved sleeping with me. She told me that if it wasn't for me being married, we'd be together. She even said her best friend was saying that I was great for her and she said her friend doesn't ever say that. About an hour after the phone conversation, she texted me this: "You make me smile. I am into you, for sure. Good night". I think I made the mistake of replying something that sounded way to eager and enthusiastic.

She lives in the next town over, about 30 mins away from me and I'm often in town a couple times a week. When we spoke a few times that week, she asked me if I was in town and stopping by and I called her one night and said I was going to be in town and if it was ok if I stopped by. Her daughter was at home that night, upstairs sleeping. We had a great time but she kept being jumpy when she thought her daughter woke up and might come down the stairs. I made the mistake of assuming I could crash at her house again and she said definitely not since her daughter was at home. She was very adamantent about it and I apologized and felt stupid for assuming that this was ok. Out the door, she gave me a hug but no kiss and told me to text her when got home. I texted her and she said "thanks for hanging out, we'll talk soon". My sensitive side was hurt because she seemed different than the last time we hung out, but my rational side was telling me that she was only reacting this way because her daughter was there and she's only sticking by her promise to her daughter that she didn't want to give her a life of strange guys coming and going. I texted her the next morning and apologized for assuming I could stay over there and she never replied and I haven't heard a peep from her since-3 days ago. This has happened so fast and we aren't at the point where we talk on a daily basis so this really isn't strange we haven't spoken since then but I'm getting a gut feeling that I may have pushed this too fast or she's having second thoughts. The bottom feels like it's dropped out - it doesn't feel right.

I want to be extremely careful to respect her relationship with her daughter and I fully realize and respect that we can't get closer until I'm divorced but I've got a knot the size of Texas that's saying her feelings might have changed or I may have messed up in some other way. I've resolved to give it a couple of more days to see if she'll contact me before I break down and call her. I don't want to give her the impression that I'm a needy or suffocating guy and I'm afraid of being seen as too eager which can be a turn off.

I don't know what's the best way to proceed at this point and I'm worried about screwing this up if I haven't already.
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Old 02-04-2013, 10:11 AM   #2
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: united state
Posts: 18
Ellen is on a distinguished road

I think you’re progressing well in the fact that you acknowledge what is keeping the two of you from pursuing a deeper and more intimate relationship—namely, your marriage. I think the two of have effectively communicated the things that are affecting your lives right now and have expressed the concerns you have moving forward. Now the thing to do is to get that stuff into motion. You can continue to see her and essentially court her by inviting her to innocent type dates (coffee, lunch, walks in the park, etc.) It may feel like it’s moving slow at first but you’ll actually be building a stronger bond that will show itself more once you’ve completed your divorce and she is ready to pursue a relationship with you. Stay the course and continue to communicate with her. Let her know where you are at in the process and maintain her friendship.
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Old 02-10-2013, 03:36 AM   #3
Join Date: Jan 2013
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cainsim74 is on a distinguished road

So more developments on that. I finally got a reply from her and I feel like a complete *** and I'm still completely confused. She replied with a long text saying she had a completely horrible week and he hasn't even spoken to anyone for at least a week. Her daughter got very sick and this time of year is the anniversary of her step dad's death 2 years ago. She's still grieving deeply over his death as she and him were very close and she considered him to be his real father. I seem to remember in the last 2 years, she has had similar periods of seclusion and I should have taken this into account. She told me she wasn't in a good space to have our talk and to not take things so personally. I completely apologized again saying that I got consumed with the idea I ****** her off and that I was trying to get relief from the guilt and that I would back off and whatever happens, I still wanted to always be friends like we have been. She said thank you, promised we were cool and said she would call me soon to go out for a beer but couldn't put a time frame on it. That was exactly a week ago and there hasn't been any contact at all. The good thing is that I haven't felt the urge to call her.

On one hand I do feel like I can't be too hard on myself for being a bit neurotic about this as it was only 4 days before when she said she "was into me for sure", said the ONLY thing that was keeping us together was the fact that we were married, and that "we'd have been f***ing all over this damn house by now" and then total communication breakdown. On the other hand I'm pretty disgusted at myself for badgering her and my lack of "cool". My paranoid side is throwing out all sorts of scenarios from here on out - "She saw something in me that she didn't like and got second thoughts", "she's using this as an excuse to blow me off", "I won't hear from her again, and the next time I see her she will be indifferent and avoid me", "she likes some other guy"... My rational side is saying "keep waiting this out, keep work on yourself and prepare yourself for the worst". I really want to have a chance to ask her best friend what I should think, expect, do but I don't know if that would be wise either.

This is just agonizing and frustrating - I have a hard time believing she would give me this many signs and then retract all that just as quickly and pretend we didn't share anything.
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