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so many issues: do I continue? - Relationship, Dating Forums, Advice on Love
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Old 01-09-2013, 03:15 PM   #1
darkstar
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Default so many issues: do I continue?

hi all,

have had a situation that's been ongoing for a while, that I wanted to share and talk about, and seek views.

OK, this may be a bit of an unusual story...that some might find slightly unsavoury in parts...

I'd been going to this massage place from time to time, and at this particular place they gave massages with 'extras', which the masseurs (all of them Asian women) would offer for an extra payment - let's call it 'hand relief'

Back in September last year, I saw this woman there, who did what usually happens in this place, gave me a massage, then offered me the 'extra cost option', which I accepted

after that we got talking, and we were being a bit playful with each other, and I end up giving her my no.

some time after, in October, I finally got a text from her...we exchanged a couple more, and arranged to meet, and on our 1st date, we ended up kissing fairly passionately...

on our next date, I spent the night at her place, and though for quite a while we just cuddled, of course we ended up having sex...but when I say 'her place', she was actually living at the shop where she works, and sleeping on the couch.

so, some relevant information about her:

- part of the reason she does what she does, and was living in the shop, was that she overstayed her visa quite some time ago (she's from Malaysia), so is in the country illegally. As I understand it, that means she can't get a place to rent in her name. It also means she can't really do any other job.

- she speaks pretty poor English, and she only really had a primary school education. So she's a pretty simple person - not dumb, but not a sophisticate at all. Thing is, I'm a thinking, intelligent guy, so there's a LOT I can't talk to her about - the language barrier also gets in the way.

- she's pretty emotional and seems to get upset easily, and let things get to her, and she cries very easily (which she admits). She's got reasons for this as she's in a difficult situation, and she misses her children terribly (she's got 3 adult kids), but is torn because she wants to stay in this country, but can't really go home, because that would mean telling the authorities that she's here illegally, being deported, and then it would be difficult/impossible to return.

- she could also be found out any time by immigration/the police, and be deported

- she had, from what I can gather (the language barrier gets in the way a bit), an extremely difficult childhood. Her mother died when she was 5 or 6, and for whatever reason, who father couldn't/didn't look after her properly, and she said she didn't get any parental love at all. She says she often went hungry as a child, and would cry a lot.

- ok, the worst thing, not sure all these details are right, but basically, she was home alone one day when she was about 15, and 2 men came and raped her, the result of which was her youngest child, a son.

OK, more about us. She's very much in love with me, but I don't feel the same way. I care about her, I just feel no real passion for her, and I really feel I could take it or leave it, in a way. I feel this way, really, because we don't have much in common. And she has so many problems, I just feel like I'm taking on so much with her. And as I said, she gets upset so easily and ends up crying all the time, and I just feel like, I want a girlfriend, I'm not a social worker. Yes, of course, it's good to help people with problems, but I feel like I want my girlfriend to be a reasonably together person, who doesn't have a background that's foreign to me, who I have more in common with, etc.

But I've let this relationship develop, and when she tells me she loves me, I tell her I love her, and if when she says she misses me, and asks if I've missed her, I say 'yes' (even though, so far, I've never really missed her).

We've started to talk about moving in together some time in the next few months; I think we first started talking about this, because there's some chance of her being allowed to live here if she's been in a de facto relationship with a citizen for 12 months or more. So now I've also let a situation develop whereby I may end up moving in with a woman that I don't feel particularly strongly about, and that seems to have many issues.

There are many reasons why I'm very reluctant to leave where I'm living (I've now been here 23 years) - for one thing, I have most of my friends here, and they're a wonderful bunch.

I just feel like I'd be giving up so much and compromising so much, for the sake of being with a woman I don't feel particularly strongly about.

On the other hand, I'm now 44, and have never been in a long term relationship, and never seem able to get anyone, so I feel like this woman maybe my only chance.

One further thing is that I've been very reluctant/fearful about introducing her to family/friends, because, well, I fear greatly what people will think. Ie, people may be wise to the fact that an Asian 'massage girl' like her maybe offering more than just 'massages' (although that's probably not right). There's also the fact that our backgrounds are totally different, she has poor English and we're so completely different intellectually (eg, I'm interested in politics and she literally knows NOTHING about it). I just feel that people are going to think 'what the hell is he doing with her? He must be desperate or just want sex.'

There's also the fact that, as I said, that if she's found out, she may have to leave the country suddenly, and how would I explain that to people?

I know I'm probably much too worried about what others think...but this is how I'm feeling...

In spite of all of the above, I do think that in a sense the only thing that matters is that we care about each other - and we do. And the fact that I don't feel passionate about her just doesn't matter, those sorts of romantic feelings never last anyway.

I suppose my fear is of moving in with someone with all of these issues...I think I would just find it really difficult/impossible if I come home every day and she ends up crying/depressed about something.

Having written all of this out, the answers are starting to become more apparent to me...there's no real good reason at this stage to end it, and over the next few months, as I get to know her more, I'll be better able to decide if I should move in with her.

One big issue for me is that if I did break up with her, or say I don't want to move in with her, she'd be terribly upset. I'm about the only person she has in this country - she has basically one friend here, who is going back to Malaysia in less than a month (and that's another thing she cries about).

But I do seek people's views...thank you...
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Old 02-04-2013, 10:32 AM   #2
Ellen
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It’s clear why you have concerns ranging from cultural to the implications some could make about her. But you have to consider the relationship for what is important such as character traits and personalities. Those are the things that will effectively tell you if you are compatible with someone and whether or not you will be able to have a lasting happy relationship. I wouldn’t be concerned about what others think and just focus on what makes you happy. Difficult past or not, you have to judge how she’s doing now and figure out whether or not the effort is worth taking the relationship further. Emotional stress and troubling issues can become a concern down the line. Now, are you bothered at all that she gives hand jobs to several other men on any given day? This could be a deal breaker.
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