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Alternative Lifestyle A forum for anyone in an "alternative lifestyle" (gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, etc.). A place where you can ask questions and get advice without judgement.

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Old 03-22-2009, 09:54 PM   #1
Typhlosion
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Default Advice on relationship

Hi everybody.

Basic background stuff: I'm a 19 year old male student (hobbies: drinking, doing essays the night before, and drinking ) and I'm gay. Don't worry, that isn't how I introduce myself on a daily basis, but it is very much relevant to the situation I find myself in.

Back when I was 16 I met a 13 year old guy who I became very good friends with. He lives round the corner from me, literally a two minute walk, and for 2 years we were inseperable. I also started to develop those blasted feelings for him that always seem to come up whenever you least want them to but I never let that get in the way of always trying to help him. I got on really well with his family, to the extent half the time his parents would be the ones inviting me to stay the night - he didn't even need to ask them. In March of last year I finally told him I was gay - not with any intentions other than wanting to be truthful with my best friend. He looked puzzled when I told him but swore he was fine with it. One month later he kissed me and told me he was gay. Big dilemma, do I risk my friendship with him and persue a relationship? In the end we did, and I think I can say pretty certainly that we got it exactly right. I'm still with him to this day and in terms of me and him, I couldn't be happier.

Now I know he was only 15 at the time, but being 4 months short of his 16th birthday and with me only being 18 at the time, I really didn't see his age being much of a problem - I was hardly a 40 year old dating a 14 year old. Additionally I was very aware of the law regarding underage sex - but heck, I didn't even think I was ready at the time, so 4 months was more of a help than a hinderance.

Everything changed in May when he decided to tell his parents about us. I'd already come out to my parents (who told me they thought it was fantastic that I wouldn't be getting any girls accidentally pregnant ) who yeah, were brilliant about it. His parents didn't take it quite so well. His mum cried her eyes out (which could be expected), while his dad started swearing about how I'd obviously influenced a confused soul into thinking he was gay and how I was basically the devil. Excusing for shock I tried to get on with them but the damage had clearly been done and it became clear I wasn't welcome with them anymore.

I didn't mind them not liking me. I can accept people not liking me. Even when they resorted to slagging me off at every opportunity, I could brush it off. My boyfriend got increasingly peeved off with them, but we knew we could get through it.

Everything changed in June of last year though - his mum installed keylogging software on his computer and used it to read his MSN conversations with me. Then, for a reason I'm still not sure of, decided our conversations meant we were having underage sex. She rang the police, and the police told us to stay away from each other while they investigated it. Despite the chat logs saying no such things (the reason I know that being they were discarded from the investigation after a week), I was still called in for a police interview and questioned about my relationship with him. I was reduced to a complete nervous wreck by all this, but my solicitor claimed that "even if you were having sex 3 times a day for the past 2 years, they couldn't prove it. So since you haven't been, they've really got nowhere to go with this". The police were actually really pleasant and jokey with me, which my solicitor said reflected how completely unseriously they were treating the case. Unfortunately that meant I was rebailled a lot - at the end of July they bailed me for a month, saying it would all be sorted by the end of August.

When I finally returned they told me that since my boyfriend's mum was really pushing them, they had to take the law to the letter. They said that since I'd admitting kissing him, that counted as underage sexual activity and would referred to the CPS. I was furious to say the least. Whatever happened to common sense? A case referred to the CPS because I'd kissed a 15 year old, while I was just 18? I looked at my bail conditions and saw there was no set condition I had to stay away from my boyfriend. My solicitor said "they won't like it, but yeah, there's nothing they can do to stop you". So we made contact. I do wish I could have witnessed his mother ringing the police and being told there was nothing they could do to stop us seeing each other. This infuriated them into telling his whole family he was being sexually abused by a paedophile. This made me livid to the extreme, and to this day I still hold that against them. Not least because his mum covered it up when he confronted her about it, whereby she apologised and did the same thing a few hours later.

He packed his bags and went to live with his grandparents, who unfortunately are homophobic. So despite never having even met me, I'm the devil in their eyes as well. They let my boyfriend live with them on the assumption he's not gay, just abused. In the end the CPS dropped the case against me, but even now I completely detest his parents for the stress they put me and my family through.

The situation now however is what I was hoping for advice about. We've been texting since September (unbeknown to his family) but because of their paranoia, meeting up is hard. His confidence has gone completely - whenever he leaves the house he gets interrogated as to where he's going, who with etc to the extent he now prefers staying sat in his room doing nothing. His parents even moved his phone contract to their name so they could monitor who he was texting, and then decided to cancel it for him. We do meet up, but barely more than once or twice a month - leaving the house has become a big deal for him. He left school in July, and hasn't actually seen any of his school friends since.

My worry is how to progress from here. On one hand I feel guilty as to how his family has essentially fallen apart now (his grandparents are horrified at the way his parents bullied him over the summer and won't speak to them at all now), but on the other hand, that silly cow pushed this with his lies, so what do I have to feel bad about? If me and him are to have any future (and yeah, I do really love this guy) then at some point he's going to have to tell his family he's still seeing me, and I dread to think the uproar they're going to cause about that. Even today we bumped into each other in town and he was whisked away before I could even say hello to him. He's had huge social and confidence issues in the past and I've told him I don't mind waiting for him on the basis that we keep in contact and that we make progress. I think he is worth waiting for, and I certainly haven't kept my life on hold - I go out some nights, I meet other friends, I have a steady job. I'm just worried his parents are going to become so stubborn about this they end up disowning him or something. I've made it clear that even if we were living together and together until we were 100 that I don't want anything to do with his parents ever again, but I'd certainly never stop him having a relationship with them, because I think family (especially his brother) is important to him.

Wow that was erm, a lot longer than I expected. Shame I can't write essays as efficiently Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it x
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Old 03-23-2009, 04:23 PM   #2
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Welcome to ATLF, I'm glad that you joined us here.

Well really do you think you can go on the way things are at the moment with your boyfriend?

At what age does he become an adult? If you can wait until he's 16 or 18 then I would suggest waiting for him & helping him out the best you can with his issues. Keep reassuring him that you love him & he's worth the wait.

When he gets to the age of consent (that he's considered an adult), then his parents haven't a leg to stand on anymore as he can do what he wants & you won't be in trouble for being with him.
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Old 03-23-2009, 10:45 PM   #3
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wow, first of all, i just wanted to say... im so sorry for what youve been through!! its a hard fight for love... in any form... but it might be better in the end, you defintiely wont take each other for granted!!
is he 17 by now, or still 16? i think when he turns 18 you guys can have no more of this nonsense and you two can just be together. could you move in together perhaps? run away together, go to college together, something?
i think that true love is worth the wait, and hes already almost 17 so its not that much farther... in the grand scheme of things.
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Old 11-13-2011, 07:06 AM   #4
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Heart2 I agree With aussiecoffee007

Hmm, Well i agree With aussiecoffee007 because he have a new thought is you wana realy know all about your problem just contact me..
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Old 11-14-2011, 12:09 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by skincare View Post
Hmm, Well i agree With aussiecoffee007 because he have a new thought is you wana realy know all about your problem just contact me..
If you are looking to spam my forum, I wouldn't recommend it as you will find yourself banned. If you would like to help this person on this over a year old thread, then I suggest you tell the person HERE rather than them contacting you.
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