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Alternative Lifestyle A forum for anyone in an "alternative lifestyle" (gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, etc.). A place where you can ask questions and get advice without judgement.

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Old 02-18-2009, 06:08 PM   #1
ryanratwani
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Default I'm a bad boyfriend...help!

Here's my deal I'm 27, I've been out for maybe two years, live in NYC. I never had a serious relationship until I met this guy a day after New Year's. Our relationship moved quickly. He's 2 years older and incredibly successful, insanely hot, super sweet, kinda an alpha-male, frat boy...and a taurus. He is steady, confident, and not very emotional. I'm basically the opposite when it comes to personality: Sagitarrius, neurotic, intellectual, emotional. I'm semi-successful, ambitious, and attractive...like him. Additionally I used to suffer from major depression...moons ago. I have major trust issues. I think im attracted to men who are kinda like my dad (tough guy, not emotional.) Well, i can be a real psycho when im hurt (especially after drinking.) So Friday and Sunday, sandwiching Valentines day, I was with my friends, him with his, and were going to meet up each night. Text msg delays kept us from meeting up- well sort of, I was being a jerk the one night and purposely ignored his text and Sunday was a nightmare cuz I was trying to meet him and he wasnt responding with texts fast enough while my friends and i were in route. I ended up saying the nastiest things. Oh yeah, Friday night I cheated on him. I have a suspicion he cheated on me too. Anyways, we made up. I didnt discuss my infidelity, however. We are going on a ski trip to Colorado this wknd. I guess what I want to know is, can you fall out of the honeymoon phase than fall back in?? I know I must sound like an awful person, but NYC gays can be freaks.
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Old 02-18-2009, 06:31 PM   #2
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There is alot I wish to say to you.. But firstly.. The most important thing I have to say is that you HAVE TO TELL HIM YOU CHEATED..

Really. It will come out in the end anyway.. Plus, if you have a feeling he *may have* too, or he does you - then problems will persist in the relationship and things will get worse (and thats when these secrets are most likely to get out and break the two of you apart)

You have to tell him, tell him why, how you feel, everything if you wish - but make sure he knows the facts, what you did..

Maybe you won't be able to carry on in the relationship, but the sooner it comes out, the more likely it is it'll carry on, and the sooner you can get back and put the trust and stuff back into the relationship and hopefully learn from the mistakes..
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Old 02-18-2009, 06:38 PM   #3
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Welcome to ATLF, glad that you joined us here.

I agree completely with BristolFan, you do have to tell him. Come clean with him & IF he did cheat on you, hopefully he will as well. That way you both have been open & honest with each other.

Keeping secrets is not the way to handle things when your in a committed relationship.
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Old 02-22-2009, 08:23 AM   #4
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You gotta come clean bro. As stated above, some girl kissed me the day after my ex broke my heart, thinking we would be together again i told her, but were not and thank god. but you need to tell him. asap. because if you dont it could be worseee.
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Old 02-24-2009, 08:52 PM   #5
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So this weekend we went skiing in Colorado and had an overall great weekend. He brought up next weekend: an event called the Winter Party. For those who know, this is a weekend of drugs, alcohol, sun and sex. My bf asked for my feelings and basically pushed for an open relationship. I confessed to my infidelity and he wasnt at all phazed. He insisted he hasnt cheated but I find it hard to believe. He says he loves me and only wants to be with me, except every once in a while when we are away from each other or maybe even have 3somes, etc. I acquiesced..although I was drunk and upset.

Ugh. So now we have been completely honest. Except that I havent said I want to be completely exclusive- in all cases. I used to be pro-polygamorous with regards to relationships, however that was before I was actually in one.

So, am I just heading for a road of hurt? Can this work as long as he and I are being honest? I just cant seem to let him go yet and vice versa. I'm thinking...pull back a bit, and after his debaucherous weekend see if I still have strong feelings for him and him, me. Hopefully I can find out how much he means to me and vice versa. Either way I think it would be easier to move on from there.

Any thoughts?
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Old 02-24-2009, 10:01 PM   #6
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You're not being honest with him..

But more importantly - you're not being honest with yourself..

You want security, you want someone to yourself, etc.etc. Go get it.. Tell him this..

BUT.. I doubt he will go along with it, even if he says he will.. I'd move on..

Find someone who wants the same things in life..
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Old 02-25-2009, 02:50 AM   #7
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I would move on from him. If he can date around, but yet he loves you & wants to be with you, he should be proving it by being only with you.

Not only that...think about the diseases you could be exposed to from him messing around on that weekend. I hope he practices safe sex & you 2 do as well when your together.
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Old 03-02-2009, 05:36 PM   #8
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All of my life I have watched others go through relationship problems...especially my female friends. It was always clear what was healthy and unhealthy and what the friend ought to do. So now here I am in what is clearly an unhealthy relationship- lasting only two months- and I cannot seem to walk away...at least not yet. I havent spoken to my bf since Thursday nite when we had a huge drunken fight. And he doesnt return until tomorrow. If a couple fights, and one person is distraught and the other can easily shift focus away from the fight (and the relationship) is this another problem? In other words, am I just too sensitive? Or is it wrong that he isn't? Ugh...i know that he and i need to talk and decide where to go from there.

God I wish I started dating when I was younger. I have too many responsibilties in life now to be distracted by immature feelings.

Oh and as for safe sex...ABSOLUTELY! I am HIV positive- he's not. Neither of us are willing to risk anything. Of course...who knows what went on this wknd. Ugh.
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