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Alternative Lifestyle A forum for anyone in an "alternative lifestyle" (gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, etc.). A place where you can ask questions and get advice without judgement.

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Old 02-11-2009, 05:28 AM   #1
sunsrequiem
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Default I don't have a clue

Alright, I just want to give a little background on my ridiculous web of a relationship that Iíve developed with this guy Iíve known for a long time.

I've known him for the past 12 years or so. He is disabled, confined to a wheelchair and needs help doing most things other people take for granted. I have to help him dress, put him in the shower, even help him wipe after he goes to the bathroom.

We were friends for the first 8.5 years of our relationship, but then our sophomore year of college we unexpectedly became intimate. For the next 2 years we had some problems but when we graduated we were still together...kind of. See, I consider myself gay, and my friends and family know it, but my partner believed he was straight (even though he was sleeping with me). He just recently decided he was bisexual. He has never told anyone of our relationship except for random people he has met online anonymously.

Well, while we were in college we got into a bit of a drug habit. At first it wasn't that bad, but since then it's gotten pretty bad. Just recently I came clean to my family and got their support and am on the way to becoming clean. My partner however is not making a huge attempt to. He is probably only going to live another 8-10 years, which only puts him around 30. So I can understand his desire to be high and forget everything and just feel...well...good.

Either way, drugs and money have really become a bone of contention between us. We are arguing more often and are at each otherís throats more easily. I get paid to take care of him, and he gets 673$ a month through SSI. We don't have a lot of spare cash to spend is what I am trying to get at.

Well, I know ultimatums never work in relationships, but I told him his prescription medications had to be enough because I could not deal with everything that goes along with a drug habit. If he couldn't live by those rules I was done and leaving. He cried, told me how much he loved me, told me how bad his life would be without me (since his family didn't think of his physical needs and troubles when planning things), and we decided to work on things and stay together. Well, lately he has gone back towards his old habits and we've been having more fights. Tonight we argued about some dumb thing and he ended up sleeping in the other room. I know he only does it because he thinks it's hurting me.

Fairly recently he had sex with a girl he had recently met while visiting his father. I told him I didn't want him to, and he told me he just wanted to have sex with a woman once before his disease crippled him to the point that he would be unable to perform at all. After a lot of soul-searching on my part I decided he could do this, but to my dismay, it seemed that he was going to attempt a "semi-relationship" with her. Well, I guess she's not all that into him, but he doesn't seem to understand how much this relationship he's having really hurts me.

I just get so angry. I never hold anything I do for him against him, but I think I deserve some level of respect. I have given him my everything; so much of my life is sacrificed for him, so that he will be comfortable and happy. When he is happy, I am happy and for the most part, we are happy together, but lately it's been going downhill. I love him so much, and I believe he loves me, but...I just don't know what's going on in my life. I'm so sad many days, and I just wish we could live happily, not worry about money/life/drugs or anything else ridiculous.

Goodness...I can't imagine my life with him and I can't imagine my life without him...but Iím terrified that I am going to start waiting for him to die before Iím completely happy again...I donít' know. What advice or experience might you all have for me?
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Old 02-11-2009, 06:39 AM   #2
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I can't say that I have any personal experience in a relationship as yours and have only been on an 'outsider looking in' position before. I do know that some of the same issues you have spoken of were a part in my friends' relationship also.

You have had a for the most part good relationship but this man is crippled. He is not "entitled" to taking advantage of it and hurting you by cheating with s/o. You do deserve to have the respect afforded a person in love. No matter what you've done or haven't done. No matter rather he's had oppurtunity to experience a female relationship or not.

Only you can answer how much you are willing to live with.

I can understand the feeling of the drug issue but you have to remember you are NOT in his shoes and need to look out for your life too.

You don't have to be the only one that watche out for his life, comfort, happiness. He has to be responsible for that too and he is still required to watch out for yours as well.
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Old 02-11-2009, 02:43 PM   #3
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Welcome to ATLF sunsrequiem, glad that you joined us here.

I too don't have any experience with being in a relationship to yours, but I will try my best to give you some good advice.

Honestly, I agree with what daisychip told you. You have done a whole lot for him, sacrificed alot as well. Your boyfriend should realize that & also realize that he can do for himself as well.

If this semi-relationship he's having with this girl is hurting you, tell him about it, let him know what's up.

I would suggest having a long talk with him about all that's been on your mind lately. See how he reacts to it all & go from there.
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