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Should I continue contacting him? Have I been used? I want him back! - Relationship, Dating Forums, Advice on Love
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Old 06-14-2012, 04:25 PM   #1
YourArmsAreMyHome
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Unhappy Should I continue contacting him? Have I been used? I want him back!

Hello everyone. Nice to meet you all! I feel a little lost and confused: I could do with some advice from someone who isn't a close friend or relative. Any advice will be hugely appreciated and I am more than happy to help others out in return. All I ask is that you be honest! Apologies for the length: Please bear with me!

My ex boyfriend left me at the end of last month. We had been together for three months. Although that isn't a particularly long time, we clicked the moment we met and our relationship became serious fairly quickly. My ex has a record for only being in long-term relationships and having no interest in flings, one night stands etc. so it looked very promising. We were both deeply in love and committed to being together. We both live in England: We do live rather far from one another, but it wasn't difficult to find cheap coach tickets and we saw each other every two weeks or so.

However, we both have depression amongst other issues. We are both seeking counselling for our problems and at first, it never interfered with our relationship. I have security issues but never let them show. I am not a clingy person and am usually good at keeping myself in check. We never argued, I never behaved jealously when he was around other girls (which helped me gradually build up trust in him and vice versa), I didn't pressure him (if anything, he took the lead when it came to our relationship developing into something serious) and I was always patient and supportive. We sent texts to each other very frequently, but I never put him under pressure to reply within any particular time-frame. As far as I know, he was very enthusiastic about having a future with me.

However - although I do not hold this against him - I feel I put more effort into the relationship. I always visited him and paid for the tickets. Since I lived in a horrible environment until recently (I lived in a single room with my father, in a house owned by a drug addict), I would not have wanted him to visit. In addition, he was at the end of his degree and needed to focus on university. However, he never contributed towards tickets (he offered and it never materialised). I proof-read every essay he wrote this year. He has dyslexia, so he struggles with grammar and the like. I bought him a DS as a present for getting through his dissertation, and some other treats last month for finishing his degree (he has never bought anything for me). Following our break-up, I sent him support for an injured part of his body. Some might think that it's insane to send anything to your ex immediately after separating, but I promised I would beforehand and I do not break my promises. I also made a big effort to satisfy him intimately, buying nice lingerie, useful products etc.
In retrospect, he failed to contribute. He sat back and kept taking.

When I give something, I do so without expecting anything in return. While this still stands, I cannot help but wonder if his lack of contribution was perhaps because he was less invested in our relationship? I bought him those gifts to express how proud I was of him and to make him feel special. It wasn't for the purpose of "buying" love.
But...It makes me wonder if I have spent three months being a doormat, doing everything I could to make him happy, and if he just took what he wanted then left. I feel horrible for feeling this way, because I love him to pieces and see him as a genuine man, but these thoughts sneakily invade my mind often. This has happened in previous relationships: Many people have taken advantage of me and played with my feelings. I hate the idea of him being the same, but I can't help but consider the possibility. Are my feelings justified?

He told me he separated from me because he is not ready for a relationship. Yes, I know this is cliche, but what I feel sets him apart is the fact he has a lot to cope with in terms of family issues and his mental health. I believed him. He claimed he could not focus on a relationship while his family is falling apart and that he needs to focus on counselling.

Here is my problem: I fully accept that he needs to focus on himself and his issues. In fact, I told him this myself throughout our relationship. However, I told him that I would never expect him to put me before his issues, and I mean that. Yes, it would have been nice if he made a little more effort, but I never expected anything ridiculous. I simply wanted to love and support him as his girlfriend. That's still all I want: All else can be worked on gradually when our issues have been resolved. I told him everything I felt, but he was adamant that he needed to be alone. I accepted this and offered my full support.
He told me that it had nothing to do with me and that at another time I would have been perfect. He said his love for me would not change, that he doesn't want to lose me completely and that he hopes we could re-look at our relationship when issues have been dealt with.

My thought is this: If I am so "perfect" for him, was it really necessary to end everything? I personally don't believe so. Truthfully, it feels as though he is pushing away all of my love and support. It has left me feeling hopeless.

Since then, I have been left feeling confused. I never followed the "No contact rule", because I worried for his well being: I worried about him so much it made me physically ill.
Initially, for the first few days, I sent him two brief texts daily: I sent one every morning wishing him the best of luck with whatever he was going to face during the day, and one every evening asking how his day went. That seemed to go down well and he kept me updated.

One day, I was joking around with him. We often bullied one another playfully but we both had a great laugh from doing so. However, this time I had offended him. I became very upset over it, apologised and gave him space. He got back in touch a couple of days later and behaved as though nothing happened. Since then though, I took his heightened emotions as a sign that I ought to step back, so I did. Instead of contacting him daily, I contacted him every few days or so and never tried to string out a conversation.

Here is what I am unsure about: In relation to contact, he has only ever initiated contact once since our separation. All other times, I always text him to see how he is. I'm wondering if this means he would rather not talk and whether I should simply stop initiating contact entirely. My biggest fear if I do this is that he will never bother initiating contact again and that we will entirely lose touch.

Additionally, he recently visited a friend he used to date for the first time in a long while. He told me once she had been chasing after him for a long time but that for a couple of years (until he met me), he simply didn't want to be with anyone. However, he seems to be spending quite a bit of time with her now (he spent the night there and I am sure they were together last night as well) and I wonder whether or not he has already moved on. Usually I'm very blunt, but this is a question I have refrained from asking him because it might be too soon and I know it technically is not my business. Plus, if I am wrong I will feel dreadful. Are there any signs I should look out for that indicate he has moved on from me?

A small note also is that I bought him presents for his graduation before we split. And he knows it. Should I still send these to him? He knows I purchased them so it would feel wrong to not send them on the basis of the fact we are no longer together. However, I don't want him to see me as a doormat who will buy him things constantly.

Lastly, do I stand a chance of getting him back? Or is it really a matter of giving it time and seeing what happens? I do not want to interfere with his counselling or family, but I don't feel I ever did so to begin with and wish he would give our relationship another chance. After all, I have as much to deal with in regards to my past, my family etc. but I dealt with my problems maturely enough to not let them ruin out relationship. Is it possible to change his mind without him seeing me as a threat to his personal issues? What should I do next?

I hope someone out there can help me put my mind at rest and advise me. Thank you so much for reading.
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