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How does a marriage exist when it involves your husband's side of the family? - Relationship, Dating Forums, Advice on Love
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Old 10-17-2011, 05:45 AM   #1
audreycsmith
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Bouncing Heart How does a marriage exist when it involves your husband's side of the family?

I have been married for 27 years now, to a man that is a mommie's boy. He is retired now, but for the past 27 years, I have had to hear, see, or invision what our tomorrow will be like after he speaks to his mother, or brother on the phone, or their surprise visits to our home. I didn't ask for this in my marriage, but it has and continues to occur. My two children have had to share their young lives, and their adult lives also around my husband's parents and his one and only brother, who happens to be almost blind.

I have had to endure unnecessary changes in my life, dealing with my mother in law and hr two sisters, who babysit our two girls in our home, while my husband and I worked to pay for the bills, and put food on our table. I have three sisters who are married, but they don't have interferences from family members like I do. I have argued out loud with them, asking and begging that they take a break from being in our existence, but it hasn't occured as of yet, and it probably never will happen.

I heard of close nit relationshps between children and their parents, but I didn't think it existed that way, too much, after their child marries. It surely causes a lot of problems, as I have had to endure a lot of pain and frustration in mine. My husband must speak on the phone with his mother at least five or six times a day. Two days out of the week he has to take his brother out to have lunch, as it gives his mother a break from her disabled son. He is a bitter person, having to experience what things look like, and then later in his life, losing his vision and now considered low visioned or blind. He comes over to our home, and he has b.o. problems, although he saids he doesn't smell. He trys to entertain our animals, and can't seem to sit still. I have to tell him to watch out for this or that, as I might be doing a project that day, or I am moving things around. It can be real frustrating, as I have to go to my bedroom to breath normal air. His mother might not pick him up for four or five hours and that is the whole day wasted for me. I had dishes to wash, floors to clean for the evening, and I couldn't do it with him hanging around waiting to be picked up after him and my husband have gone out to eat.

Her husband, now deceased, and her created that monster, spoiling him because they feel responsible for his disability, but it wasn't their fault. He was born a premie, and they kept him in the incubabor too long. The oxygen burn his rectnas. They spent a lot of time trying to raise him the best way they could. He has a college degree, but he now stays at home most of the time, frustrated with his life, and trying to control his own mother's movements. He keeps the computer on everyday so that his mother can't get any phone calls from her sister's. He screams at her, calls her nasty names, and pushes her around. She is an 87 year old women, will do anything for anyone, but doesn't know what to do with her blind son. He should have gotten help from somewhere when he turned eighteen, but that didn't happen. When his mother dies, she expects us to take care of him, even leaving our own house, and moving into hers. That truly is not what I wanted in my marriage. I even tried to contact authorities, or someone in social services departments, to stop him from abusing is own mother. I got no feedback in return.

So for anyone out there they can possibly give me some input on my situation, it would be so helpful. I am tired of getting frustrated over this and maybe I am not seeing the big picture, yet. Help!
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Old 10-18-2011, 11:18 AM   #2
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Have you talked to your husband about his mother & brother? Have you 2 talked about maybe getting some counseling in regards to his attachment to his mom & brother?

Have you ever thought out leaving him? Having to put with that for 27 years, I know I couldn't have done it.
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Old 10-18-2011, 09:57 PM   #3
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Heart2 In response to my message: "I am Married To A Mommies Boy For Twenty Seven Years Now

Dear Sapphire: Love your online name firstly In answer to your question to my original posting, we went to counseling in the beginning of our marriage, after the children were of walking age. IT DIDN'T HELP, FOR MY HUSBAND DIDN'T GO AFTER THE FIRST SESSON. He feels is there is nothing wrong with talking and seeing family, even helping family out, but it is all one-sided, his side though. Today, as we left the outing to the pool sight we go to often, he mentioned to me that his mother wants him to cut her grass. My husband is a colon cancer victim. He obtained colon cancer in 2002, and in 2008, developed phlops in the lung and liver. He is taking chemo right now, and is still feeling recovery signs from the stiches where he had his lung and liver operations. His mother, who is 84 years of age, doesn't have a husband now. She lost him when our children were just starting school for the first time. Why, because they were sticking there nose in our business, and had a car accident early in the morning while they were leaving our house. Anyway, back to what I was saying, he told me that he is not to happy about doing that yet, her yard cutting, because he had a hard time pulling at our own lawnmower, and he started to feel pain in his stomach and chest area that night. Everytime he coughed, it hurt him. I told him to tell her to get someone else to do it, that why should he always be the one to fix her house up, or problems with her yard area? He said to me, in his high pitched hyper tone, "Well, what do you expect, my mother forgets." "How would you like to be 84 years of age and forget where you are, how you got there, etc.?" She just forgets. Well, I said, "Don't get high speech talking to me, I was just adding to your story at hand." His mother can be very stubborn at times. It didn't matter that my husband had cancer, or so it seemed to me. She would call him up, have him come over to her house, and work on repairs such as, her garbage disposal, her basement ceiling tiles, her dishwasher, her washer and dryer, and even changing her electrical outlets from a two switch to a three switch. And, on top of that, he has to take his brother out to lunch two or three times a week, SO HIS MOTHER CAN GET A BREAK FROM HIM FOR A WHILE. His mother created that monster of a younger son (and that also includes my husband, too). She did this so she would be in full contact with them, not allowing them to be free of her apron string, and allowing her to know everything about their lives. She tries it with our two children too, who are now grown and living on their own with their boyfriends. I feel for her being without a partner, but "H" get a life, not try to mess up mine. I have left the house many times, but I come back because I love him, and my children lived here with us at the time. I try to come and go at times, not too much as I did in the past, for I see me leaving, gives them the power to be at my house more than they should. I know from talking to other people I know that they would not put up with it, and would end the relationship. Who will want to take me in and my own baggage at 59 years of age almost? We have a good time when he hasn't spoken to his mother or brother, but once that occurs during the day, I am on tip toes when I am around in, awaiting for him to get angry at me or upset with anything he does, because in my opinion, they look forward to upsetting him, and they know my husband's temper, so they go for that button in him. I even get mad at his brother a lot of times now for just hanging around our house awaiting for his mother to pick him up after him and my husband come back from their luncheon each week. While he sits around on my steps leading to my bedroom, I have to squirm my way on the side of him to get by. He can't see that well, so I kind of let that go, although it makes me angry. Yesterday, they came home together from lunch, and I was so tired. I had cut the back yard, chopped down branches from two big giant branches that fell from our oak trees, cleaned the backyard patio, chaulk and painted my front living room window, washed dishes, and did some laundry. I don't ask my husband to do much around the house, for he is a procrastanator. But when he does do work around the house, he does to it 100%. As I am writing this posting, he wants me to come and look at what he did on our car we just got. He sees me typing, but he keeps asking me to come outside. This is the type of man I have. If he was typing, and I said come outside and see something, he would ignore me, or say nasty words to me for interrupting his train of thought. Then he saids he has to call his mom, that she called him some time ago, but he told her he would call her back. That is the same thing that has been said now for 27 years now. He'll tell her what he did all day, and then she'll say, "Why did you do that, or Why don't you do that...? Stirring him up and making him hyped up. He must love it, for it happens at every single phone conversational talk with his family. We even gave her a cell phone for her personal use, since her younger son that lives with her keeps control of their phone. She can't seem to do anything around her house without her younger son thinking he has the say so. He is now 60 years of age, and she should have gotten him some assistance help for him long time ago. I don't know what is going to happen after she dies. She wants my husband and me to move to her house and take care of him. I want to stay where I am, until my death, and then pass the house on to one of our children to live in.

So, after becomming tired of writing all that above, this is my life. I don't like the marriage as it is, but it seems I am stuck. I just thought there were other's out there with the same experience as mine. I am writing a book on my life, and hopefully one day, I hope to get it published, that is with some sponsoring help, as I have no money to my name. It will be titled, "Abuse, Once Received, It Never Leaves." I have it online, Sapphire, if you wish to read what I wrote so far. Maybe you know of someone that could help me out. It's under Story of My Life, Audrey C. Smith. Got to go now, but I look forward writing to you soon. Byeee.
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