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Old 03-30-2008, 07:45 PM   #1
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Default What should kissing be?

Okay, so my girlfriend are having a minor disagreement over something. We hung out a lot over the winter break. It was me, her, and her ex, who is one of my good friends. Anyways, there were times when they would do things behind my back. Like one night we watched a movie in my room and they did a little bit of kissing behind me. Another night, we were at her house, and we were messing around and they piled a bunch of blankets on me while we were watching tv, and he had to go to the restroom. A few minutes later she left to do something. I didn't know it but they had gone to her room to make out and left me watching tv. Then another time we went offroading, and I can't go very far into the place in my Mustang, but he has a jeep so he was able to get away from me, and they made out where I couldn't see them.

I found all this out as I have been talking to her. She has somewhat lied to me about this. She denied the thing on my bed, but she couldn't look me in the eyes and tell me that they did, and she finally admitted it after a few times. She then told me another time that they did that while at her house, and then the other night she told me that she kissed him while they were offroading. It bothers me that I have to push her to tell me these things.

Another thing, is that I think you should only kiss people (I"m not talking a good night kiss on the cheek or whatever), like make out iwth them, if you are in a relationship. I guess I'm old fashioned, but she said that if she met a cool guy and she wasn't in a relationship, and they ended up alone, that she would make out with him. She thinks that sometime you just need to let go. I asked her what she got out of making out with him, and she said nothing, she just wanted to make out with someone. This bothers me because clearly we don't have the same morals. I would never make out with a girl I met 2 hours before. It also bothers me that she was doing this with her ex. They were friends with benefits, but she's told me that everything they did (including some sexual acts, never intercourse, but most other thigns) were meaningless. How could you do these meaningless things with one person, and then expect another guy to think he's special?

So tell me, I have a couple questions. Am I wrong to be offended that she did these things behind my back, even though we weren't in a relationship, but we both had feelings for eachother. Also, am I wrong to think that serious kissing should be a way to express the connection between two people?

We've been talking about this over txting while she was out of town, but when she gets back we've both agreed to have a real discussion about it, and I"d like to know if I'm right or if I'm wrong. Thanks guys, I'm really confused here.


//edit: just to clear it up, she did all of this while we weren't together, but we both had feelings for eachother. My apologies if it sounds like she did this while we are currently dating. It was only the time up to when we started dating.
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Old 03-30-2008, 08:24 PM   #2
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No, you should be offended. She's playing you with him << if tht makes sense.

I mean if she's in a serious relationship, she would want no one but you. You can't have an "emotionless" relationship. Basically she wants the best of two worlds, you and her ex.

If he is a good friend to you, then he won't make out with your girlfriend AT ALL. It doesn't help tht she's his ex. They shouldn't do anything, except hang out together.

I really don't agree with what she's doing
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Old 03-30-2008, 08:30 PM   #3
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Oops, let me clear this up real quick.

This was before we were actually going out. If she did this while we were dating I would have dumped her immediately. Basically, they have been broken up for a couple years, but have an off and on friends with benefits relationship. So she had feelings for me while she was doing this with him, but we weren't official or anything.

Basically it's the concept that she's doing things with him just to do them. How am I supposed to feel special if she makes out with some people just for the heck of it? I guess that's what I'm really trying to say, but every time I've mentioned it, she says that what we have is way more special than what she had with him (because that was meaningless), but to be honest, how am I supposed to FEEL special if the concept of kissing isn't something special to her.

The thing is, what's done is done and can't be changed, so I don't really know what I want her to do. I mean, I know she's truly sorry for doing that to me, but that still doesn't change the fact that she doesn't see kissing as something that special. She says its special with me, but if it's not that special what will keep her from doing it with other guys if we're apart...
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Old 03-30-2008, 11:01 PM   #4
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Eagle you brought up some very valid points in your last post. You 2 were dating at that time & you both did express your feelings for each other, so she really shouldn't have made out with her ex, that was wrong. I wouldn't say it was out & out cheating as you 2 were dating & not totally exclusive then, but never the less it was very wrong.

How can she express her feelings for you & then go make out with her ex? You do have a right to be wondering about her thinking kissing isn't special. If she can just up & kiss anyone & make out with them, you are also right to wonder if she may do that to you at some point.

I think you should tell her how this has all made you feel & especially about your wonderings of if she may do this to you at some point & also how are you supposed to feel special when she says kissing is no big deal.
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Old 03-31-2008, 12:31 AM   #5
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Eagle you brought up some very valid points in your last post. You 2 were dating at that time & you both did express your feelings for each other, so she really shouldn't have made out with her ex, that was wrong. I wouldn't say it was out & out cheating as you 2 were dating & not totally exclusive then, but never the less it was very wrong.

How can she express her feelings for you & then go make out with her ex? You do have a right to be wondering about her thinking kissing isn't special. If she can just up & kiss anyone & make out with them, you are also right to wonder if she may do that to you at some point.

I think you should tell her how this has all made you feel & especially about your wonderings of if she may do this to you at some point & also how are you supposed to feel special when she says kissing is no big deal.
We weren't exactly dating, I mean, we were hanging out with eachother and although we never explicitly said we liked eachother, it was definitely there. So we weren't technically dating, but I mean, it was pretty close. There were times we would go and sit on top of a parking garage and just watch the sunset cuddled up. So I mean, it wasn't official, but we still were very very close.

I'm definitely going to have a serious conversation because it is definitely a serious thing to me. I respect that she has her beliefs, but if they are going to impact me then I have a right to be concerned, no?

Thanks for the support guys, I just needed some outside opinions to make sure I wasn't being ridiculously unreasonable (which I don't think I am). One thing that still leaves me wondering is that even after I tell her, I don't think it's really going to change her mind. I mean, she might say that what we have is special but that doesn't change the fact that she does the exact same thing with other guys without any meaning.

Basically, I just don't see kissing with people outside of a relationship as something you should do to relieve stress and just let go. Am I wrong?
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Old 03-31-2008, 01:42 PM   #6
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You weren't dating at the time she was kissing her ex...Some people can have friends with benefits without feelings..It just means that they can switch feelings off..It doesn't make her a bad person.
I do believe her when she says what you two have is special..and that she loves it because it's with you.
I would be careful with what you do here..You weren't dating and even know you had feelings for each other, you weren't together and so she really wasn't doing anything wrong.
I think you should leave it in the past and focus on what you have now...If you asked her what she preferred I am 100% certain she would say what you two have not what they did.
Don't make your relationship uncomfortable by making such a big issue out of a few kisses.

I know I am against the majority here but I just wanted to say that to you.
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Old 03-31-2008, 05:55 PM   #7
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I have to agree with Teej all the way. You guys weren't together then so you can't really be upset about it. No matter how close you were, you weren't together and that's the thing to remember. You can't go back in time and change it. To be honest, I wouldn't bring it up at all. It will only cause more problems for the relationship.

Also, trust her when she says it's special with you. It sounds like she's really into you, Eagle. Even if she's had other hook-ups here and there doesn't mean you or the kisses aren't special to her. Oh, and the morals thing.. Chances are you'll always have a different view than your partner on certain situations. That's just life, m'dear.

You also said you have to push her for information because she isn't willing to give any.. Maybe she's been in relationships before you where that's all she's used to. You really never know unless you're in her shoes. In the future, reassure her and let her know you're there for her, etc. She might not be used to having such a nice and caring guy around. That may take some time to get used to.

In the end I say forget about the whole thing. Bringing up old issues from the past really isn't worth the fight or argument. If you would have been together then that's different, but you weren't. I think you should move forward with the relationship and only look towards the future, not the past.
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Old 03-31-2008, 06:58 PM   #8
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Thanks Pink..I thought I was the only one who thought this way..Glad I am not..Phew
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Old 03-31-2008, 07:38 PM   #9
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wait a minute... i think then i misunderstood the whole thing ....

you weren't together when she made out with her ex? did you like each other then? were you dating exclusively?
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Old 04-01-2008, 02:40 AM   #10
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we were not dating at all, we were just really close and both had feelings for eachother, but had never fully admitted it. What bothered me most was that it was behind my back, which made me feel as though she didn't care about me.

But now, the whole issue has been resolved

We talked last night, txting actually since she's out of town and she's staying in a hotel room with her dad, and we talked for probably 2.5 hours or so. For the first, I'd say, hour, I just couldn't really get a straight answer out of her as to why she did it. She would say it was meaningless and that he was just there, but she never could really say why she would want to.

Well, finally she just busted loose. He's the only guy she's seriously dated before me. She was with him for god only knows how long, and then they broke up for some reason, maybe because they were caught doing things they shouldn't have been doing and they both got grounded for like a year. Anyways, she basically just broke loose and admitted that she does things for guys just because she thinks that they'll leave her alone if she does, because she's never really let guys in until me. She said it was different with him, because she got attached to him. She told him that she loved him, but she never really did, even until the day she broke up with him (or however it happened). But for the last three years, she never really got over him, and she just wanted to love somebody, and since she never really loved him, but he was the closest she had come, she stayed close to him and did things with him hoping that she would find love with him. She just needed someone and she wanted him to be that someone. Whether he actually cared for her or not, she just wanted to feel cared for. She had short relationships with other guys, but always went back to him. It wasn't until I came along that she realized he didn't really care for her. There were times when we talked, and she came to the realization that most of the times she went to his house was when she was angry (because she had no one else to talk to) and he would pretend to listen to her, only hoping to get some form of affection out of it. And so she wasn't over him until she met me, and realized that he never really cared for her, all he wanted was the physical affection, but was never willing to offer her any emotional support in return.

So now that I know why she did those things with him, I'm really not mad anymore. Yes, it bothered me, but now that I know that she didn't do it just for nothing, she did it because she still had feelings for him, I can respect that now. I'm still put off just a tad by the fact that she had to do it when only use three were hanging out, and she and him left me to go have "coffee breaks" if you will, but now I see where she was coming from. She had strong feelings for him and never was able to get rid of them because she didn't really know what love was, and all she wanted was someone to comfort her.

Now I really do feel totally better, and now I know that I'm special to her, because up until last night, she hadn't admitted these feelings even to herself. She has assured me what we have is special (I always believed it was, but just over the past week or two I've been wondering because of what happened with him) and now that I know why she did it, and that she was comfortable and trusting enough of me to tell me, I really do feel special again I don't hold anything she did behind my back against her now. It's out in the open and now I have a good idea of what was going through her head, and all I want to do is be there for her to help her. She swears to me now that she's fully over him, and I asked her why, and she said it's because he could look her in the eye and lie to her, and all he ever wanted was physical affection. With me, she feels things she's never felt before, and I believe her with all my heart.

I just don't know exactly what made me angry, the fact that she did it because it was meaningless (or so I (and her) both thought) or the fact that it was behind my back. I think it was the fact that it was behind my back. When us three were hanging out, they should have had the dignity and self restraint to not leave me by myself. And then a tiny bit of the fact that it didn't mean anything to her, but now that I know it really did mean something to her, I'm willing to accept it, and she has apologized several times because she even thinks that was a jerk move what they did to me to leave me by myself, but she wants to apologize in person, and I want to apologize in person for jumping to conclusions that she didn't have the highest morals, when I was totally wrong. She has just had a rough time with guys, and now that she's with a guy she can actually trust, she's starting to see how relationships really should be. We both have things to apologize for, and I think that once we get past this, our relationship will be even stronger, something I really like the idea of

Sorry for the long post, I just needed to vent. I don't think I'm wrong on it being disrespectful to makeout with your ex behind someones back when it's the three of you hanging out, but now that I know the circumstances, it's not as big of a deal as I made it to be. I'm just glad she's coming back in town tonight. A nice long hug and a kiss should make everything better, it's just stressful because she's been gone the past 3 weekends, and then tack on a few weekdays to each of those weekends and I haven't gotten to see her much.
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Old 04-01-2008, 12:40 PM   #11
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Very nice Eagle, I'm glad to read that you 2 got things all sorted out. Being open & honest will only help to make your relationship that much stronger. You guys are doing very well in communicating with each other, that's great!

No need to apologize for the long post, vent as much as you need to, your family Eagle.
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Old 04-02-2008, 08:41 PM   #12
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eagle i'm happy you guys talked !!

I mis understood the whole story from the beginning so i'm apologizing again :$ :$

Anyways we're all here for you if you ever need to vent hehe
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Old 06-24-2008, 10:50 PM   #13
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Hey nice job man! You are lucky to have met someone who has been so open with you!

I would feel a little upset too, just at the lack of respect the two showed when she would go have "coffee breaks." But it is okay, at least they didn't do it in front of you! That would really suck!

Kudos! All the best to you!
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Old 05-31-2012, 12:12 PM   #14
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Old 06-12-2012, 07:13 PM   #15
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First kiss is the most remembering event in every life. When you want to kiss a love person, try to make it very romantic and beautiful.

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Old 09-24-2012, 04:54 AM   #16
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Hi dear today i going to talk about Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs, venereal diseases) are among the most common infectious diseases in the United States today. STDs are sometimes referred to as sexually transmitted infections, since these conditions involve the transmission of an infectious organism between sex partners. More than 20 different STDs have been identified, and about 19 million men and women are infected each year in the United States, according to the CDC (2010).
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Old 09-25-2012, 04:18 AM   #17
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Hi dear today i going to talk about Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs, venereal diseases) are among the most common infectious diseases in the United States today. STDs are sometimes referred to as sexually transmitted infections, since these conditions involve the transmission of an infectious organism between sex partners. More than 20 different STDs have been identified, and about 19 million men and women are infected each year in the United States, according to the CDC (2010).
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