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my ex broke up with me a year ago and I'm not sure about my next move - Relationship, Dating Forums, Advice on Love
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Broken Heart - Breaking Up Have you had your heart broken? Are going through a break up, divorce? Come on by & share with us, we are here to help.

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Old 01-23-2008, 05:35 AM   #1
dreamguy
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Default my ex broke up with me a year ago and I'm not sure about my next move

So here's my story. I was with my ex girlfriend for 4 years. She broke up with me in January 2007 because she was under a great deal of emotional distress from losing 2 close members of her family.

She said that the emotional distress has taken a toll on her mind. She started drinking shortly after we broke up. When she broke up with me that night she told me to move on with my life and not wait for her. This was after she shouted at me in anger saying "At this point I don't care who you sleep with!"

She has quite a few medical problems. She is prone to have seziures if she's under a lot of stress.

I stayed in regular contact with her as a friend from January until April. I initiated all the contact. I was trying to support her during her rough patch.

But in April I reduced my contact to where I only answered her. I never initiated. This continued until July. She would text me 2 to 3 times per week.

By July I asked her if we could meet up but she turned me down. At that point I knew I wasn't getting anywhere with her and it was torturing me to still talk to her. So I implemented no contact for the next 4 months.

From January until early October she limited our communication to text messages and IMs. She didn't want to talk on the phone. But her phone calls started coming again in early October. I let them all go to voicemail as I was still implementing no contact.

In mid November I broke NC by sending her family a "thinking of you card" because it was the 1 year anniversary of her dad's death. She called me the following day and left a voicemail asking me to call her back. I waited a day to call her back and she thanked me for the card.

Then she called me again thanksgiving weekend and left a voicemail wishing me a happy thanksgiving. By December 1st I get an e-mail from her on myspace telling me that she misses me alot and that she still loves me.

Anyway to make a long story short we have been in limited contact since mid November. She has initiated most of the calls and texts. I have been civl and kept all conversations light, funny, & short and I made sure to end conversations first.

But in the past 2 weeks she has initiated talk about heavy subjects such as our relationship. She e-mailed me more confessions of her feelings.

On January 10th she e-mailed me the following:

"I actually haven't been anywhere since me and you broke up except for when me and mom go to the store to do our monthly shopping which i pay for now. I really and trully miss EVERYTHING that we did together. I really meant it when i told you that i still love you and i'm starting to regret the things that i told you last year when we broke up...Remember when i told you that i would prolly never think about taking you back again at all? That's one of the things I regret saying."

Then last night she and I talked some more and she sent a comment on my myspace page saying the following:

"Our four year relationship was one of the best ones that i have ever been in with any man in my life...I'm also grateful that we have still kept in touch since then.I also want to tell you that i love you (my name) and i always will. At the time of the breakup i was going through so much turmoil that my head was spinning and i ended up hurting you for no reason..I wish that i had never ended the relationship at all. But in some ways it has made you and myself better people and we're still able to talk about everything just like we did when we were together."

This is the same girl who told me to move on with my life the night she broke up with me.

So after she sent me this I ended the conversation first by saying "Listen it's getting pretty late here. How about we talk about this later?"

Then she suggested that we talk more Thursday night. She also said " I'm off all weekend. I'll just catch up on house cleaning but the rest of the weekend i'm free. Don't have anything planned."

Then she says goodnight and sends me a kiss gesture. I reciprocated with a hug gesture instead of a kiss one. I figure it's not a good idea to blindly reciprocate with flirting when she's being flirty. I reciprocated with friendliness instead.

So what should my next move be? I would like to reconcile with her but I don't want to pressure her. I'm not going to ask her to meet up. I'm going to let her ask me to meet up.

Should I go back to no contact? If so for how long? If I decide to go no contact for the next 6 months will she miss me more? If I stay in contact with her now what are the chances that I'm being strung along?

I have more information about the conversations we had over the last 2 weeks but I'll save it for a future post as I know this has been a long read for everybody so far.

I've been feeling down for most of this month as it marks the 1 year anniversary of the breakup. I'm still not over her.

Last edited by dreamguy; 01-23-2008 at 05:54 AM.
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Old 01-23-2008, 12:54 PM   #2
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Welcome to ATLF, glad that you joined us & decided to post your need for advice with our caring & friendly group of people.

It seems to me from what you have told us already that she really does love you & wants to try again.

How about talking to her a bit more over myspace, email, whatever communication you 2 have been doing for the past 2 weeks? You can ask her any kind of questions you have in regards to the things she has been telling you & you can then figure out if she's being honest with you or she's stringing you along. If she's being honest, then why not meet up in person?

Honestly, I would ask her to meet in person soon as talking face to face about the things you 2 have been talking about, you can see much clearer if she is being honest or not. You 2 were together for a long time so I'm sure you would know from looking at her facial expressions, gestures etc. if she is being honest. That may even help you to decide sooner if you would like to try again with her.

If your not wanting to talk face to face, then what I suggested first would be a better idea for you to help you a bit more in figuring out how she is feeling.

Either way I don't think not contacting her will be a good idea, stay in contact, but contact her however you feel comfortable & talk to her that way.

Good luck & let us know how things are going & what you decided.
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Old 01-23-2008, 07:42 PM   #3
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Yeah she and I have a lot more to talk about. I don't know if she was hinting at wanting to meet up when she told me she is free this weekend except for her house cleaning.

I told her I was free this coming weekend myself and didn't have anything planned. So that was my way of hinting to her that I want to meet up.

UPDATE:

Ever since my last post she has sent me 3 text messages. She got herself a cell phone now. Bascially she sent me a text message saying "have a great night." She also tried to contact me mobile on yahoo messenger last night. She said hi as if she knew I was online. I was in invisible mode so I don't know how she could know I was online.

I waited 8 hours to reply and said "well you have a good morning too." I learned it's best not to reply right away when the ex contacts me so that it does not look like I'm waiting at her beckon call.

She has to work nightshift at her job both last night and tonight. So we won't be able to talk serioiusly again until tomorrow night.

That's a good point you brought up about her not having a problem meeting up if she's sincere.

There is something else I thought about that would test out her sincerity. If we agree to rebuild this relationship I would like to start from scratch and work on getting to know one another all over again on a platonic level for awhile.

That means light dates. Nothing heavy for awhile. No sex, no spending the night, no kissing. No physical contact except for hugging. What about holding hands? hmmm I'm not sure. I want to go real slow.

Now if she is sincere about her intentions then she should not have a problem wanting to rebuild our relationship from scratch. Our old relationship is dead and it's over. I think it would be a good idea if we just buried it and started something new.

One year is a pretty long time to be broken up and therefore it may not be healthy to jump back in to bed all of a sudden.

On the other hand if she is just stringing me along as a backup because she's lonely then it's very unlikely that she will agree to rebuild this relationship from scratch. She'll just want to pick up where we left off as if nothing happened.

So I know I have to set up boundaries but at the same time I know I cannot protect myself all the way all the time. I always run the risk of being strung along or getting dumped or betrayed whether I decide to rebuild things with my ex or if I decide to start something with someone new.

The only sure way not to get hurt is to write off women completely and I don't want to do that. Do I feel my ex is worth the risk? well after doing all I can to stack the deck in my favor I'd have to say yes.

Later on I'll post more in detail about the questions I asked her during our conversations the last 2 weeks.

Last edited by dreamguy; 01-23-2008 at 07:47 PM.
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Old 01-23-2008, 08:35 PM   #4
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Sounds like you have all the right thinking in place with how you want to approach things.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 01-28-2008, 01:27 PM   #5
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hey dreamguy, i am happy for you, that she is into you again...my guy dumped me, you can read my story i just posted in the brokenhearted section, and i am waiting for him to tell me he realized after all this time that it is worth giving our relationship a chance....
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Old 03-31-2008, 07:59 PM   #6
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any updates??
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