Not really a relationship...but I'd like some advice!

[wifrimess]

Hello all. I just joined this forum after being on a another forum that has recently caused some complications for me.

I ended up in an email communication with a member on this forum. It was innocent on both sides and has provided some interesting viewpoints and communication on a variety of issues/events. This has been going on for about 8 months. We have had a couple disagreements in the past but have clarified it as we both agreed that email communication is NOT good at deciphering tone and therefore it has created misunderstandings.

Recently the tone changed slightly. We both agreed that if it were not for the distance between us that we would date each other. I stated that yes, it was true and that it was an unfortunate circumstance but a reality nonetheless. He agreed as well and continued communicating ferquently stating that it was "my loss" that I was unable to date him. I would laugh this off, but the other night, after hearing this "my loss" statement for about a month now I stated something to the affect of "come on, you're not upset at all that I live where I do?"

This created a HUGE misunderstanding as he thought I was referring to something else and refused to talk to me. He called me a name, and stated he wanted to cease all communication. I replied that it was too bad he felt that way and wished him the best and stated that I would leave the forum. Then about 6 hours after that message he replies with an apology and states that he would like to diminish contact as he finds that the deep emails we had been having with each other were creating too many problems.

I wasn't sure what I wanted to do here as I wasn't really sure what was going on! It seemed to be yet ANOTHER miscommunication between us so it took me about 2 days to respond. I did, and then he asked me why I would state I would leave the forum. I thought it would be best as it would just create further problems.

He then asks me to explain myself and to dig deeper and give him an answer as to why I would be so drastic as to leave the forum. I reply and then ask some questions in my reply to him. He doesn't respond. So the next day I respond to him and say "I understand, have a good night."

He replies that he wasn't upset but it was draining him too much to keep up these emails.

This has been a steady pattern so far with our communication. He asks me for clarity or the "deeper reason" to it all, I respond and then he states that I need to get a hold of myself or to stop pushing so deep with him.

Now I understand that we were never together, we have never met and this communication was purely email based and I was content on keeping it that way. I am confused at his reactions. I am confused as to why he would continually push me and then penalize me for doing so. Maybe it is because his feelings that he WOULD date me if we lived near each other are stronger than he would like to admit? Is he pushing me away because of that?

I find it very strange. He is well respected on this other forum for his wonderful advice. I find it strange that he is unable to have more clarity with me.

Any thoughts? Anything would be appreciated. Thanks! :)

[**Sapphire**]

It could be that he is playing games with you. I mean he asks you to chat to him in more detail through emails, but then when you do he turns it around that you are hanging onto him too much.

Have you asked him why he is such a jumble of confusion? If you haven't I would advise you to ask him why he wants you to be more detailed but then penalize you for it. See what he has to say about it. Let him know it's confusing & you don't know what exactly he wants out of your friendship.

[wifrimess]

I haven't asked him that. He left it that he did not want to have these "deep" emails any longer and that it was too draining on him.

I would like to know the answer but I am unsure if talking to him via email again is the answer. We both have each other's phone numbers but have never communicated that way. A part of me does want to call him and clear this all up, but the other part wants to respect his decision to cease contact for the time being.

After his last message I received an email last night telling me that despite our personal situation he would be willing to talk to me about a work issue that I am having (VERY big emotional strain for me right now.)

Honestly, I just shook my head. I responded that I would like to talk but it would require deep communication as it was dealing with some heavy, heavy feelings and that he didn't want that out of our communications. I thanked him for his offer. He didn't reply.

I don't know. I think this might have been a bad week for him or something. It's all just very confusing for me since he is GREAT at giving advice to others and advocates strongly how he hates playing games. It suprises me that our communication has turned into a game with him. I think that it was done unconciously because it was reaching a level with him...possibly. I don't know. Some major confusion though! And in light of my work stress and heavy emotional turmoil there, it is all compounding in a lovely way for me.

[wifrimess]

Not that anyone is reading this...but just in case, there has been some resolution, and it might help someone else.

We were chatting tonight as we used to and he asked me if I was working. I said no, and he asked if he could call me to chat about everything. I was surprised, and agreed and we had our first phone conversation.

It went really well. We talked for about 2 hours. It was nice to not have the stupid misconceptions of tone etc via email and all that stuff. It was a really nice talk. We eventually agreed to draw back our guards a bit and just trust each other if either of us are upset. In the end, it was really good and I feel a lot better.

There is a lot to be said about talking instead of emailing to settle arguments. This is a key example. ;)

[Penguin_Woman]

Oh...trust me, I know about email/IM communiction being misread. Not that talking on the phone is the best way to convey your message (better still is face to face so you can see their expression). But it's so much better than the written word. I'm glad things are better with you now. :)

[**Sapphire**]

Very happy to read that you 2 had your first phone conversation & it went well. Glad also, that you were able to straighten things out.

The written word is funny, so much can be misinterpreted from reading emails, IM's even posts here.

Phone conversations are good if you can't see each other face to face because you can clear things up much easier. Face to face is great, but not everybody can be face to face right away in a LDR or all the time.

Best of luck to you! Please do come back & let us know how you both are doing! :)