How Do You Un-Kill Someone?

[andomain]

I don't usually post things in forums, but I'm going to now. I'm going nuts.

I just broke up with my boyfriend shortly after Valentines day. We did the whole "friends" thing for about 2 years and then I finally decided I wanted to be with him (we were pretty much together anyway, so I figured why not)

I treated him HORRIBLY from day one. He tried so hard to get in, but I wouldn't let him. When we fought, he would always apologize to me (even if it was my fault, which it was most of the time) I tore him down, ripped his heart out on a daily basis, but he still stayed.

I didn't know I wanted him. The whole time, I was busy making him feel like less than human, and I didn't care. I would apologize, but whatever it was was ALWAYS because HE MADE ME behave that way. I never took any responsibility for my own actions.

I made him feel like he wasn't good enough for me.. When I told him I loved him, I would say "I love you, sometimes" I made him feel ugly, stupid, and worthless. I wanted things to be ok. I wanted to be IN LOVE with him, but I didn't feel like I was. I loved him, but never felt IN LOVE with him. Until now. Now that I have a feeling its too late

he is the greatest thing thats ever happened to me, and I pushed him away. I beat the hell out of him and THEN shoved him out the door.

he says he still loves me, but he needed time to "think" I don't know what that means, and it scares me. he said that no matter what I will always be a part of his life and I will not lose him, but he has shut me out. I want to blame him, but I can't. I did this to myself and I know it.

We have emailed a few times, doing the "friendly" thing, and I kept telling him I was ok. he said he was ok, hurt but ok. he still wasnt ready to talk to me though on the phone. I wasn't ready to talk to him on the phone either.. I am now, but he still isnt talking to me.. in fact the last email I sent him I told him exactly how I feel. I apologized sincerely, made a complete *** out of myself. I told him I didn't know if I could just be friends with him. I told him I wanted to get back together and make things work.

No answer.

The ball is in his court now and I'm terrified that he wont throw it back. If he loves me as much as I know he does, I really don't understand why he's not talking to me.. Isn't that what people do when they love each other? I don't understand this whole "I need time" thing. Time to figure out that he really is fine without me? I know he loves me, and I KNOW I LOVE HIM. It took this huge drama of breaking up and really being hurt by it, to figure that out for myself. I feel like I've killed someone and I want desperately to bring them back, but I have no control over it.

he is hurting right now, he has made that very clear. I want to make things better. I have made THAT very clear, but he's still not talking to me.

I told him I know something has been broken, but its nothing we can't rebuild and make into something even better, If he would only let me back in.

It's SO hard keeping myself from emailing him again.. Today I gassed up my car and took off work early to go up and talk to him (he lives 3 hours away.. a BIG issue in our relationship) but I changed my mind. He knows how I feel, and as much as I want to talk to him and work things out, I know if I go up there and force the issue I would really be shooting myself in the foot, and making myself look like a desperate crazy girl.

I've made an *** out of myself enough I think. Pride was something that was very important to me. I swallowed it completely, and put myself out on the line. I feel like I've totally humiliated myself for nothing.

I could get over him, but I don't WANT to get over him. We fit in every way imaginable, but I refused to really let him in. Now I'm scared its too late. I really didn't know what I had until it was gone. I miss him horribly, and i'm SO scared of being without him forever.

Today is the first day I haven't tried to contact him at all. All of this is still really new and I really don't know what to do. I've been a horrible * * * * * to every guy i've ever been with and I ended up pushing them all away forever. I can't lose this one. I don't WANT to lose this one. He was my best friend, and I killed him. How do you revive someone you have killed?

[Tony]

first of all welcome to the ATLF
nice to have you with us

I honestly think that you need to give him time
as much as you are hurting right now I am sure he is hurting also with the way you treated him.

you have been open with him and told him how you feel, he needs time to see if he wants a relationship with you again.

sadly you may have pushed him away also
the lesson to be learned here is not to make the same mistakes again

I would let a few days go by and either ring him or drop him another email
if he refuses to talk to you sadly you have your answer

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome to ATLF, glad that you joined us here. :)

I agree, you do need to respect his wishes & give him time. I know it's hard because you want to work things out, but he needs time to sort everything out in his heart & mind, & then figure out where he wants to go from there.

If you keep trying to contact him, you may push him away for good. Let him contact you now, I know it's hard, but you need to give him that space & option to contact you.

While your doing this, keep yourself occupied. Spend some time with friends/family. Take up a hobby or re-start 1 you may have stopped doing, read a good book, anything that will keep your mind on the task at hand & not wondering about him. That will help to lessen your wanting to contact him, hopefully.

Good luck & you can come back here, to read & post to other things, that can help to distract you as well. :)

[andomain]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply. I will do just that, I will give him time. I don't know if I'll want to talk to him by the time he feels like talking to me, but I guess it's a chance I'll have to take. Right now I do want to talk to him. I want to work things out. I don't want to lose that feeling, but I've done all I can do.

Thank you again :)

[Love to Love]

Give him a few days and be positive...Do as Sapphire says .."While your doing this, keep yourself occupied. Spend some time with friends/family. Take up a hobby or re-start 1 you may have stopped doing, read a good book, anything that will keep your mind on the task at hand & not wondering about him. "..it really helped me...
good luck...hope that everything will be ok!

[andomain]

Thank you guys!!! I posted this on another relationship forum and was barraged by people telling me to go see a shrink!

I have nothing against seeing shrinks, but posting in forums is cheaper :)

nobody on here knows me. I think saying "go see a shrink" is an easy answer given by people who really don't know what to say, or want to take the time to really get to know the situation, not that I blame them. I am a stranger, and I have just admitted something that makes me out to be a horrible person, but there is a lot more to the story.

My friends and family tell me i'm being way too hard on myself. I have a very heightened sense of guilt, thats true, but at this point I really can't help myself.

we did, however, create this mess TOGETHER. I was busy blaming him for the whole thing (which was wrong i know) then I went directly into blaming myself for the whole thing, thats not right either.

I still don't understand if he loves me as much as he says he does, why he's still refusing to talk to me. That part I really don't get. I believe he is also busy blaming HIMSELF for the whole thing, and since we are not talking nothing can be fixed. Its very frustrating.

[Love to Love]

give him some time...you'll see...
And according to me it is a good and positive thing that you are selfconscious...this way you'll know what to do and what not to do...
patience and be positive:thumb:

[andomain]

Thank you. I will do my best.

[**Sapphire**]

Sorry the other forum didn't want to take the time to help you out properly andomain. We here at ATLF won't just "fluff" you or any member off, we will do our best to help. :)

I know it's hard & yes you are right it did take you both for things to get the way they did, but you do need to give him time. Let him sort everything out in his heart & mind.

Be strong, don't contact him, let him contact you when he's ready.

[andomain]

here is the rest of the story

When I met him i wasn't sure i wanted to be with him as more than friends. He wasn't my type physically, but there was something about him that I really did like a lot. We became very fast friends, but we also started having sex. Why, I'm really not sure. I told him over and over again that we needed to not have sex and just be friends, but we always ended up having sex (partly my fault, partly his) I was really confused about it because I had never been in that kind of situation before. I've never really been friends with any of my boyfriends. Just jumped right in to a relationship with all of them.. but with him it was very different. The sex should not have happened, it led to a lot of confusion. But we did become very good friends through all the confusion. we would talk to each other every Night on the phone for HOURS, and i mean EVERY night for up to 5 or 6 hours.. we have been doing that for 2 years. I would also go up and see him on wknds, and he would come down here and see me on wknds. I loved him with all of my heart, but I wasnt in love with him.. he was very clearly in love with me. I WANTED desperately to be in love with him. here was this great wonderful guy.. why couldnt i BE IN LOVE WITH HIM?? because he LET me walk all over him.. THATS WHY. he even told me on several occasions that part of him LIKED to be treated that way. he got some sort of twisted pleasure out of it I guess, thats what he said anyway.. I dont know if that was just an excuse for him to save face or what.

another thing was that I was pretty much always the one calling HIM. That was a big issue as well. I would call him out of the blue, just because... he rarely did that..

His brother was/is also a big issue.. his brother is a grade A a**hole.. can i say that? no one in his family likes him, but they put up with him because he is family, at least thats what they have told me. When me and Ben were on the phone he would start crap with ben, and even insult me over the phone for being "rude" by calling ben when he was there. his brother hated me as soon as he realized ben was in a serious relationship with me. Ben lets him interfere with our relationship. his brother would NEVER stand for ben interfering with HIS relationships, but ben lets him. I am not the only one he lets walk all over him. he lets EVERYONE he cares about walk all over him.

He lives with his mother right now, because she is alone and needed help fixing up the house.. I went down there once and re-did her whole dining room, re-tiled the floor and everything to surprise her.. got it all done before she got home from work.

I like his mom. I really do, but she treats ben more like a husband than a son. she doesnt want to let him go. he is all she has. I understand that, but thats been a big issue as well.

I wanted him to stand up for himself.. not just with me, but to EVERYONE. start living for himself.. he is a VERY talented artist. he went to school for 6 years and has all kinds of degrees.. but he is living with his mother in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere.. wasting his talents and wasting his life to take care of his mother and make sure his brother is entertained. His mother can take care of herself, she just doesnt want to be alone. his brother is just a jerk.

I've tried to talk to him about all of this.. we've had many fights about it and he agrees that those things ARE problems, but he refuses to do anything about it.

I could not be IN LOVE with someone who has no backbone. when I broke up with him, and he refused to talk to me, that showed a backbone, as much as it hurts me, and as mad as I was and am that he is not talking to me, its exactly what I wanted.I'm not saying I wanted him to stop talking to me, but he is showing strength now, and its made me see him differently. funny how that works.

Its all still pretty confusing to me, but i know I do love him, and I know he loves me, but we BOTH have issues. Issues that can not be resolved if we are not talking to each other.

[**Sapphire**]

Thank you for sharing more of yourself & your relationship with us andomain.

Your stuck between a rock & a hard place. His family is using him, you see it, but he doesn't which is unfortunate. Alot of times we don't see the flaws in the 1's we love.

Have you tried to talk to him in the past about his mom & brother?

I understand that you want the issues between you 2 resolved or at least start to work on them & hopefully get back together. The only thing is here hun is if he's not talking to you & not responding to your phone calls etc., what else can you do?

If you continue to try to contact him while he's thinking things over, all you will be doing is pushing him further away. Would you want that to happen?

[BristolFan]

Let him know you still love him, you want to work things out, that you are prepared to work on the relationship, and that WHENEVER HE IS READY, YOU WILL BE THERE, WAITING.

Then leave him at that.. Go find other things to do and keep you busy..
I don't mean, waiting, sit around staring at the phone waiting for a call

Just leave him be, let him think things through, see what he really wants. In the meantime, find other things to do, go out with friends, enjoy yourself, concentrate on work and things..
Have some *me* time..

All the best..

[Love to Love]

just be patient!
Maybe he has a family problem but obvious he don't want to "see" that...Give him time...First you need to solve the problems in the relationship,after that you can talk with him about others....
My advice is to be positive and think as little as you can...
Good luck!

[andomain]

I drove up to his house a couple weeks ago unannounced. I felt like a crazy woman, wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing or not. his mom answered the door and was very surprised to see me, but she went and got him. it took him forever to come outside, but he finally did. I told him i know i look like a crazy person so if he wanted me to leave I would. we just stood there not saying anything to each other for a long time.. then he started talking.. I let him do most of the talking and I just agreed with what he said. We talked all night long. we cried and eventually decided we would try to work things out.. I left the next day feeling much better about the situation, but things are still not going very well.

He said he wanted to work on our problems but every time i try to talk about anything he gets defensive and pulls back into his shell. I dont understand it. Its really confusing me. how can you work on your relationship if you dont talk to each other about it??? I've changed A LOT through this whole thing, but he hasnt seemed to change at all, except now its HIM pushing me away instead of the other way around. I know he loves me and i know i love him, and i'm trying my hardest to prove that to him, but now that he has me he doesnt seem to want me.

The way I treated him in the past has A LOT to do with him still living at home with his mom and the control she has over him. It seems he thinks I'm trying to "reign him in" and he keeps telling me that he's a "free spirit" HE was the one trying to reign ME in for two years, and when I finally show him that he has me he backs off? he has no problem letting his MOM and brother control his every move, but when it comes to having an adult relationship with a real live woman that is NOT related to him he doesnt seem to know what to do with it.

I dont understand whats going on. i'm 32 years old!! i never had to deal with mother issues when i was a TEENAGER, and now I'm dealing with them as an adult?

he seemed perfectly fine before things blew up the way they did.. perfectly content living with his mother and occasionally coming down to see me, but if his mom called while he was here he would take off in a heartbeat if she said she missed him.

shouldnt he be living here with ME? he loves me, i love him. he says he wants this to work, but he still refuses to budge. i DONT UNDERSTAND IT. isnt that what adults do????? they LEAVE their parents and start new lives on their own with someone of the opposite sex.. am i wrong? and most people do it BEFORE they are 30!!!!

I have no clue whats going on his head right now. I havent talked to him in a couple days. I'm pretty ****** off to tell you the truth. "reigning him in"??? is that what i'm doing?? i think its pretty damn selfish of him to be pulling this crap on me NOW. this whole time he wanted desperately for me to love him and want him, and when i'm finally there he pulls away.

he's afraid.. thats what i think it boils down to. afraid to be an adult, afraid of things not working out, being hurt... but he is hurting right NOW.. so am i. if things DIDNT work out he could always go back to his mother.. thats why i dont understand the hesitation. of course theres a risk of things not working out, but its not like he's going to be homeless if it fails.

he is still a child in SO many ways, but i do love him, and i'm NOT trying to take him away from his mom or brother. theres no way in hell i'd let anyone separate me from my parents, but my parents are not the center of my life!!!

he was supposed to come down here tonight and spend the weekend with me, but i left him a message saying that i MIGHT have to go help my parents with the house this wknd and i didnt want him to come just to put him to work, so if he didnt want to come that was totally cool, and he referred to that as a land mine.. i thought i was being considerate of his feelings by telling him that. not pressuring him to come down..

the calling thing is STILL an issue as well. HES ON SPRING BREAK, he is not BUSY right now.. but thats still his excuse for not calling.

anyway, here is my email to him and his response to that email.. i dont understand at all.. thought maybe SOMEONE could help me understand.. forgive the profanity in his email, i hope its censored automatically ---------------------------

hey,

i'm feeling pretty frustrated right now ben.. i'm tired of talking to everyone else about it.. you and I are the ones who need to be talking about it. nobody else can fix anything.. the only people who can fix it are us.

i know becky has been emailing you too.. i really dont know if i'm comfortable with that. i know shes trying to help, i've done the same thing with my friends.. but this is the first time any of them have done it to me.. except for jan, jan always butted in to my life and it never turned out very well..

you and i both know what i was guilty of. we both know how i treated you a lot of the time, and that is the thing i'm changing.. its what i want to change. i want to be the sweet loving person that i was to you SOMETIMES, all the time... but i'm still having the same problems with you that i did before.. you dont seem to be willing to change some of the simple things that you KNOW were problems before. i dont understand that. why not change them and eliminate fights before they start?

you are on break right now, but you still call in the middle of the night.. you have all day to call, but you dont. it makes me feel like you have better things to do than talk to me.. thats the way i've ALWAYS felt, and right now you're cementing that fact because you are NOT busy but you still dont call..

i dont understand why you still refuse to see things from my side. you say you DO, but you prove otherwise. i dont get it and it frustrates me.. it always has.

i'm supposed to just sit here, shut up and let you do things how you think they should be done? i'm sorry but i cant function like that. i'm not trying to control anything, but making our relationship work, has to be a mutual effort, and i dont feel like it is right now. there ARE things that you need to change as well. its not ALL me. you say you recognize that and you know you need to do things differently, but you never do. for the life of me i just dont understand that.

i KNOW what i need to change, and i'm trying my damnedest to change them. you say you know what you need to change, but i dont see you trying to change them at all. it really confuses me. how are things supposed to work like that?

we have a chance to start all over and make things work the way they should have been working the whole time, but we both have to be on the same page, and not fight each other because of **** that happened in the past. as far as i'm concerned the past doesnt even exist. all that matters is RIGHT NOW. what we do NOW.

we both have to put everything we can into US. i love you that much. do you love me that much? i dont want to play stupid games. i want us to be able to talk to each other and each of us make the changes the other one needs in order for us to be happy with each other. make compromises and even some sacrifices in order for us to be closer. thats how relationships are built, refusing to do those things are how relationships are knocked down.

i just want everything to be ok... i keep saying that, but things are NOT just going "to be" ok.. we both have to work on them to make them ok. its not going to magically happen.

relationships are a battle of wills, one person wants things this way, the other person wants them that way.. most relationships fail because one, the other, or both refuse to make the sacrifices they must make in order for the two to become one... sorry, that was really gay.. but its the best way i could put it.

its a very scary thing to do. i've NEVER let go of ANY part of myself in order to make a relationship work. i never felt like any of them were worth it. it may have taken me a long time to get there, i am there now, FOR YOU, but you have to be there WITH me or its going to right down the toilet like most of everyone elses relationships. i dont want that to happen.

i'm done apologizing for the past. the past is the past. what matters is now. i need to know and i need to feel that you are here with me, struggling along to make this work TOGETHER.

ok, thats all i got. i love you and i'll talk to you later.

his response:

Well I'm not sure what I've done now other than call you kind of late last night. You could've called instead of being mad at me. I really don't understand this. You had to have known I was home. The fact is that you tell me we need to talk about these things, yet you havn't called at all, you just left messages (like land mines) to expode in my face when I happen across them, and you're ****** at me for not calling.

I still feel like you're testing me. You wait to see if I'm going to call and then get mad when I call late. I thought you understood that I'm a busy person. We talked about this. I like to have all my **** settled so I can relax and enjoy our time. Late at night has always been the best for me since its the only time I have thats free of distractions or obligations. I'm not used to checking in with anyone. I didn't even check in at home when I was a kid. Not after 6th grade. I'm a free spirit, I know that sounds gay, but I'm not used to anyone trying to reign me in. I try to go with it, but my nature struggles with the limitations. Up to this point I honestly didn't even think you had any faith in me in any regard. Be patient with me.

I havn't really told Becky anything either. For one thing I rarely talk about relationships with anyone, not mine anyway. For another I was pretty sure she would tell you anything I said and probably get it out of context. So don't worry about that, I was just trying to be polite, and let her know I appreciated the effort.

I have been doing better, or ******* trying. Most of the time I just do something thoughtless or dumb, but I still get crusified like I intentionally try to displease you. Worst yet I get in deeper **** when I try to keep you from getting upset. Thats happened way too many times, so I just gave up and decide to be frank. Even if I don't like being frank. It doesn't suit me.

I still think you might judge me more harshly than I deserve, sometimes I do wrong. Just plain wrong, but I always admit it and try and learn from it. You talk about me holding the past against you, when thats what I feel like you're doing to me right now. Maybe I'm wrong, but you do seem to be holding every ****up ever against me, over and over again. Or maybe I just **** up over and over again, and I really do deserve all this. I know we're both sick of it either way. I know I'm not any good at this, but I'll be damned if I'm not trying.

I guess I'm frustrated too. To top it off Scotts coming over tonight to pick up his laundry. Now seeming apparent that cruel fate or scotts timing is going to **** up us working this out tonight. I tried really hard today to just have a vacation day, but its truly ******* backfired on me. Not you're fault, it just adds into it.

I don't know what else to say, I'm sore and tired so I'm going to go laydown.

I'm a ****up, peace n love,
Ben------------------------------------------------------------------

I thought him adding that we couldnt talk because his brother was coming over to do laundry was a nice touch.

these emails were sent a couple days ago.. i havent tried to call him and he hasnt called me. havent emailed him back either. i dont know what to do or say anymore.

[**Sapphire**]

Maybe give it a little more time, let things cool down a bit & see if he calls you.

There does seem to be alot that you 2 need to talk about, but emotions are running too high for things to work out properly, so give it time to cool down a bit.

[andomain]

I called him last night and he didn't answer. I didn't think he would. I left a message saying "ok so we're back here again, ok, bye" and left it at that.

you are absolutely right. I am going to just leave it alone and try not to think about it. I thought I knew him so well, but I've discovered I don't know him at all. I'M DONE making a fool out of myself, although I AM still inclined to still do so, because I want to FIX things, but I can't force him to grow up.

It frustrates me and makes me VERY ANGRY that he's acting this way. I've lost about 15 pounds due to this whole thing (not that i'm complaining) but its been eating away at me, and he KNOWS it. I don't understand why he's still intent on making me suffer, but I am the one allowing it, so I know I have to stop it and just get over it, as difficult as that may be. i'm more MAD than anything right now. :mad:

[**Sapphire**]

Sounds like you made the best decision you can for yourself & to help yourself as well.

If he really loves you & wants to work on the relationship, he will contact you & then you 2 can start talking & working on things together. If he doesn't then you have your answer to that he really didn't want to work on the relationship & you can move on. Sure it's not going to be easy, but I think if you keep trying your only going to be more frustrated & wind up hurting worse.