Very confizzled?!?!

[dutchdiosa]

Okay well, here is my story...it is a BIT long...but...hopefully I can get some answers.

Alright well, this is going to be long, so bear with me please because I need desperate help.

I was in a relationship for two years...he is from American (Pakistani descent) and I am from America. We are both Muslim, but because of my "past" his family has always hated me and never even gave me a chance. They would say all nasty things about me such as I was a whore, dirty, disgusting, oh I could keep going. Last summer his sister sneaked into his computer and read things about my past, that frankly was none of her business...it was family stuff. Well, she turned it around and made me look awful, told millions of lies about me, and turned everyone against me except himself and his brother…well cousins too I guess. His parents were trying to force him to break up with me when they went to visit and well, he didn't want to, so we worked something out and stayed together.

In November he gave me an engagement ring and he left this past May, after graduation, to go on Umrah (Islamic retreat). He promised his grandfather he would go before he gets a job so that he can start his life on the right path. The day before he left, we spent an amazing day together and well, he looked me in the eyes and swore to God that he would NEVER leave me and that he would be back on July 4th to be with me forever. He swore to God that no one would ever take him away from me (which is not something a Muslim does unless they are serious about what they say). Well, two days before Umrah he broke up with me because his father was sick and had a heart attack because of our relationship supposedly. He couldn't do it anymore…or so he said. Then, five days later he contacted me again and we were back together and talking and working through all his fears, everything was just like it always was, he was just scared a little bit. His Mother was always saying while on Umrah, that she was dying because of us and his father said he would kill him if his Mother died because of what him being with me. Well, in Makkah (Islam's Holy City) his parents asked him to pick either them or me, well, he picked me. His parents were angry and all this stuff and making more threats. (to tell you…to a Muslim making any decision in Makkah, is making a decision in front of Allah, and it is very bad to break it.)

So, then we were fine and I mean, there were arguments and I was getting sick and my parents were threatening to take me away for a while from him because the emotional stress was taking a toll on my health. So, he then told his parents on the 2nd of July, however, when he got back home in Pakistan, that he made his decision and that he was staying with me AGAIN. He told me that no matter what forms his parents wanted him to sign he would sign, and he would leave them forever and prays to God that He keeps them alive to forgive him for having to make this “harsh decision.” His Dad cancelled his ticket to come back on July 4th and we were both upset and started discussing him coming back and buying a ticket. Everything was great, "I love you's" and all those beautiful things we say. Then...on July 4th, he sent me a message before talking to his Dad about getting a ticket and he was like, "I love you and I promise I will be right back, I love you baby and I cannot wait to see you." He admitted that his Dad was going to flip on him; they always do...however...something happened then.

He broke up with me an HOUR after what he said again...and we have been broken up every since. He told me that his Dad threatened to kill him again, and that wasn't why he did it; he did it because he couldn’t hurt his family anymore...etc. However, when I talked to him afterward, he kept telling me that he didn't want to do this, that he would never love anyone else, that he would never forget me, and would never marry anyone else unless it could be me, but that he HAD to do this for his family and give up our relationship even though he didn't want to.

My health has plummeted down the drain and well, it hasn't been very nice. Anyway...he hasn't changed his bank passwords, he hasn't deleted my pictures (from ANY e-mail account), he bought himself fake vagina sex toys (a month after being apart), he is the name on my cell phone bill (he still hasn’t called them to change it) and we also have a joint bank account together (which he still won’t close). I asked him about all of this since he wanted to "end it," and stated that we need to close the joint bank account and that if it WAS over I wanted my things as well. Well, he never responded to any of that, but he would respond to other things I said like about my feelings and feed me the line of how as much as he doesn’t want to, he has to give it up for his family. All of that stuff is still open and unchanged. Also, when I send him e-mails...he still reads them, he still saves them all (which isn’t very often btw).

Many of our BEST friends all say that he just needs time to get away from his parents and that with time he will realize and come back (also the other theory that he could just be fooling to get back to America because he did not know when he is supposed to come back, his father never told him…I did), that there is no way that he would leave me...however, I mean it is so weird, you know? I know he misses me, he "gave me up for his parents", and he is SUPPOSED to come back in September...and well, he hasn't closed the bank account, he hasn't changed a password to anything, he still saves all my pictures and e-mails...no matter what they are. We don't talk anymore but, he had said that the only way we can move on is to do that, not talk...however from the conversation he has had with a mutual friend...he still...misses me terribly and can't move on. He said to his best friend that he wishes life wasn’t as hard as it is and that he didn’t want to give me up for his family…but he had to. However, everyone says he is trying to force himself and convince himself that it is okay to put his feelings aside for his family and it is only going to make things worse for himself in the very near future.

So here is my question: Is our relationship really over, or is he just trying to get back to America so that he can feel safe and then continue on? If there is anything I can do...what is it?

(P.S. No one...no one that knows us believes that he is breaking up with me for good. Also, if there is something you are confused on...please let me know...I can explain more.) Thank you for everything.

[~Teej~]

This guy clearly loves you....his family are being cruel heartless and horrible people...they have put him in such a bad position that he really doesn't know what to do...He doesn't want to hurt you and he doesn't want to hurt his family...What a horrible position they are putting him in.

You can tell he loves you.

I can't answer if it is over for good or not..because frankly I think he is so upset and stressed with what is going on that he probably doesn't know what to do.

Try and be there for him if you can...but don't wait forever...It may just be that he has chosen to respect his parents wishes...loving him, this is something that you might have to deal with it.

If he won't close the joint bank account then there are ways that you can go about closing it, contact your bank...This is something that my friend is going through at the moment.

[dutchdiosa]

Thank you for your insight Teej!! You know...everyone has said that. Every single one of our friends. Even my parents...which is odd. Most parents try to convince their child to move on for their best interest of their child...but my parents...well, they say to keep fighting. They don't believe him either!! :) You have no idea how cruel they have been. They call me a sl*t, wh*re, so many things...say that because I was adopted I am dirty...ugh. This has been going on for two years though, with them and he has been through these fights with them so many times and he NEVER faltered, but only THIS time did he ever "give up."

The only weird part is that well, as even his cousins have said, "NO ONE LIKES HIS FAMILY and they all think his Mother is behind all this because they all hater her." Quote from a cousin. So, what I cannot understand is why this is happening. I can tell you, while in college...he would even tell his FRATERNITY brothers and other random friends how much he hated his family and couldn't wait to get away from them, start his own life, live happily with me forever. I just find it weird that after two years and an engagement ring that he can just end it for his parents? I am sorry if I don't believe that.

Everyone says he probably doesn't know what to do...and that as much as he doesn't want to, this is the safest bet until he comes back to America. Until I told him when his ticket was for, he had no idea when he was actually coming back. Which is hopefully in September. I am trying to be there for him, I don't believe he would give this up for real after two years especially with all the fighting he has done so far, you know? It just...NONE of this since the beginning has added up.

I actually contacted the bank. They won't do it without both individuals present. They say for fraud reasons, so it kind of leaves me in a pickle. We have other financial ties as well...student loans and things...so yeah. I am just so confused. Everyone tells me not to give up...that he loves me and when he comes back to America...whenever that is, that they are positive that everything will be okay. I just...I pray and hope...that it is...I am still a little lost though.

One last bit though...his reasoning for leaving me has changed three times. The first time he said it was because he spent too much of his parents money and it put them in a huge debt...well, since breaking up with me he has spent over $11,000 of their money. Then he said it was because his parents were getting "sick" due to our relationship...which actually...is not true. His parents have been very sick since he was about 10. The last reason I heard from him is that it would "NEVER work with his family." Which...we all know isn't true...so we all think we just need to give him some time to come back to America...and that OCCASIONALLY I should contact him just to remind him I love him and I am still there...is that good or bad?

[~Teej~]

I agree....contact him occasionally to let him know that you are there.

This can't be easy for you :(

I only hope that when he returns you will at least speak to each other and he will be able to give you a reason for what happened

[**Sapphire**]

I believe that he still loves you as well. His parents could really be putting a HUGE guilt trip on him & that is making him want to stay.

I would wait it out for now, September is just around the corner. See, if he does come back to America & then from there you 2 can figure out where things are going to go.

Best of luck & we are all here for you whenever you need us on or off the forum.

[dutchdiosa]

I believe that he still loves you as well. His parents could really be putting a HUGE guilt trip on him & that is making him want to stay.

I would wait it out for now, September is just around the corner. See, if he does come back to America & then from there you 2 can figure out where things are going to go.

Best of luck & we are all here for you whenever you need us on or off the forum.

Oh, thank you so much as well for your help and advice. I figured instead of CONSTANTLY contacting friends, let's see what some outsiders think. That is where you get the real opinions. :) Not that everyone always likes what they are told. ;) Anyway...yes, I am going to take everyone's advice and wait it out a bit. I don't believe it is forever...besides...not to..."toot my own horn" I know he wouldn't be able to leave me if he saw me face to face. :p Guilt trips are what THEY are known for! Believe me...I just think he fell for it because they have the power to keep him there...but when he comes back...watch out! LOL! Well, I am so grateful for everything and if anyone else helps...THANK YOU! I hope to make many good friends and provide service to other people as well!

[~Teej~]

You are more than welcome, I am glad the advice is helpful for you :) and am looking forward to seeing you around the forums.

[**Sapphire**]

Glad that we are helping you hun! :thumb::)

[dutchdiosa]

Yes! I am glad I have some help. I had a further discussion with Teej actually explaining the situation further, and well...she still holds to her convictions as she stated before, even more so now I think. It is just terribly difficult, I can be honest, there is not a day that goes by where I don't cry because I miss him so. I know this much, I will not be giving up. I don't care what it takes. I see it like this, perhaps you all can see this.

We were together for two years, his parents ALWAYS threatened to disown him, kick him out, get rid of him...but they NEVER actually did it. For two years they made threats, however they never made him PHYSICALLY leave me. His parents had a lot of opportunities to do it as well, and they never did. So...why does it affect him now?

This is partially my reason for not giving up, amongst others as we have discussed. :)

Am I wrong in this?

[**Sapphire**]

No, I don't think your wrong in what you have been thinking? You know him & your relationship with him best. So it's right that you have these thoughts. :)

Maybe his parents started to take a few minor things away from him that lead him to believe they would actually NOW make good on their threats?? Maybe there is something else going on over there that is also keeping him there, adding to the troubles his parents are causing him?

These are things you can talk to him about when he comes back to the USA. It will really help to put your mind at ease & help to make your relationship stronger.

[dutchdiosa]

Thank you! Well, I mean his parents were always telling lies about me...and well HE himself even started to question me on some of the things they were telling me. So I almost feel as if he has lost hope, you know? Which is something I am trying to get back, which is incredibly difficult because well...he um...he won't respond to anything I say...but he will read it. I know, and I really wish he was coming back tomorrow almost, however...until September 17th (God willing) and he comes back...hopefully...I will know nothing. It is just terribly awful for me to go through everyday.

I know his parents are in charge of buying his plane ticket, they have his passports and things (although he told me he could get them) and well, it hasn't been updated beyond the 17th of September. What makes me even more upset is his younger brother, is allowed to keep up his "secret relationship" with a girl he knows, but I am not allowed. It makes me terribly upset. They have taken away money before and all that stuff but...I don't know...it is like he gave up hope.

So stressed out!!! :crying:

[aussiecoffee007]

well i dont blame you for being stressed! being separated by such tragedy must be the worst feeling in the world...

if his dad is sick, maybe he just cant take the emotional stress of it all anymore... is family very important in muslim culture? im pretty sure it is, so maybe that has to do with it that the dad is sick and he is outnumbered and they have finally weighed in on his guilt so much... but after the promises and things he said, and the actions he HASNT taken, i know he still loves you and will try to be with you, maybe after he finally splits from his family... why cant he just move to america? permanently? why dont you get married/elope and just be together? why does he need his family anymore?

agggh i hope this works out for you

[dutchdiosa]

Well, his Dad has been sick since he was a young child. His Dad had heart surgery when he was 16 so this sh*t of NOW this is the reason is BULL CRAP!! Anyway...yes, family is important, but they are not the exact "portrait" of a Muslim family...while he was away his sister told one of his cousins that I should commit suicide and she wants my soul to burn in hell. His family puts guilt trips on EVERYONE including their parents brothers, sisters, nieces, etc etc. His Mom is a gossip monger...it's disgusting. So...yeah. Also, I appreciate what you said. See? That is why this is so difficult...no matter what HARDSHIPS you face...when you make promises like that...I mean come on. You know? Also, he still just hangs onto everything...like okay you changed your phone number while you are in Pakistan...well, you are still financially tied to me bub! You know? Also, he is very money conscious...which was a huge problem before he was going to come back, we just graduated college so yeah...and he STILL hasn't gotten a job. My guess is because he isn't in America...lol. I mean he has tons of offers because I PUSHED his resume for him like he asked me too. I mean seriously...it's ridiculous. I am praying everyday that Allah brings him back safely and all is well. I just cannot believe he would ACTUALLY do this for his family...you know? So you think he'll be a changed man when he comes back to America too huh? :p

[aussiecoffee007]

i think once he splits from his family for good and they stop whatever control they have over him now, he can be with you really, for good. so why isnt he moving out here to be with you? im still a bit confused on that part. he doesnt have the money? why cant he get some/you loan him some, so that you can just be together?

[dutchdiosa]

Yeah, well that is what a lot of our friends think. That well, the pressure of his parents while he was there drove him nuts and for now he had to let go even though he doesn't want to...and that he is trying to convince himself that he is okay and would be able to move on. However, no one thinks that he will be able to and neither do I. Many of my friends think that once he comes back to America everything will change, especially once he sees me. Yes, I am praying...I know he loves me still...I really do. He isn't moving out here (assumption) because he is scared to be poor and he has no job. He was born with a silver spoon, he even says it himself. I know money always scares him...not having a car...a job...you know. Normal things that scare the sh*t out of anyone. Well, it is confusing...he was actually going to ditch his family, come live with me and work work work. However, the day he was supposed to buy a ticket, I remember we were trying to find a way to get one without him paying for it. Well, sadly, we found the money AFTER he...left me. All of his fraternity brothers saved money up for him and I know they would do it again in a heartbeat. All those boys have been so good to us. :) Anyway...yeah, money is a scare for him and since he doesn't have his own job and car and such I am sure that made him nervous. I mean in the beginning he said he felt bad about all the money he spent of his parents...and within a MONTH of being apart from me...he has already spent over $11,000 on stuff. I know him well and when he is depressed he spends lots of money so...yeah. I know he was self conscious on that...and well, I am sure that had SOMETHING to do with it.

I find it hard to believe after all the screaming matches, fighting, and disagreements...that NOW...after two years he suddenly cares about his family. According to some of his best friends...he has been talking about ditching his family forever for like seven years and I have known him for 3...so...yeah...there must have been some kind of threat.

Does that make anymore sense? Have any more ideas?

[aussiecoffee007]

well i just think its a bit strange that he wouldnt want to move out here. you two were/are engaged, he would be away from his family, he would be with you, and the US has many more opportunities to make money than pakistan (i think its just true, i dont mean anything offensive by it). money is a scare for everyone but he cant let it control his life... whats he going to do, sponge off his parents for the rest of his life? what happens after htey pass? what is he going to DO with his life?

[dutchdiosa]

well i just think its a bit strange that he wouldnt want to move out here. you two were/are engaged, he would be away from his family, he would be with you, and the US has many more opportunities to make money than pakistan (i think its just true, i dont mean anything offensive by it). money is a scare for everyone but he cant let it control his life... whats he going to do, sponge off his parents for the rest of his life? what happens after htey pass? what is he going to DO with his life?

I found it strange too. He has always wanted to live here, work here, etc etc. This guy would talk about what he hope our kids would look like. I mean...it makes sense what the LOGICAL choice is. Of course money is a scare for everyone, but if he has mommy and daddys wallet why would he care? ya know? EXACTLY...what is he going to do? I still think he is full of crap. I know he misses me...this kid...I mean...when he would leave me before...like other trips...he would CRY on the phone...he did it on this trip too because I didnt answer him fast enough on the phone. I just think it is bull crap that he is like...trying to push himself to move on. well, he is to come back in september hopefully and i know when i see him things will get settled. i just think the whole money thing hasnt set in yet...ya know?

[daisychip]

Sorry you are going through this Dutchdiosa!

He is trapped and there is nothing you can do to change anything right now. But the one thing that troubles me is that you say he has spent $11,000 since the 'split'. Thats alot of money to accept from people he supposedley can't stand.....his parents. It's ridiculous!! He is a child as you have pointed out, that is used to getting what he wants but since mommy and daddy dont approve of you, he's content to 'take' the alternative. I'm NOT trying to be mean, really, I just wonder WHEN are YOU gonna point out to him that IF he 'truly' wanterd to make a statement to his family about his devotion to you, he WOULD NOT be accepting their money to "soothe" himself because he's "depressed". It's dumb! You know it really is hard to get a "brat" to grow up and be a real man!! Can you afford to dangle money in front of him to make him dance for you? I am afraid that even though it is obvious he loves you, you are, in the end, just asking way to much of him. He 'can't take the chance' of 'never' having a family to run to or at least the big money. It has been what they've always threatened and even though up til now they haven't doesn't mean they won't and he's to dependent to let that happen. Of course thats just my opinion and I (DO) hope that I'm completely wrong!!!

[dutchdiosa]

Sorry you are going through this Dutchdiosa!

He is trapped and there is nothing you can do to change anything right now. But the one thing that troubles me is that you say he has spent $11,000 since the 'split'. Thats alot of money to accept from people he supposedley can't stand.....his parents. It's ridiculous!! He is a child as you have pointed out, that is used to getting what he wants but since mommy and daddy dont approve of you, he's content to 'take' the alternative. I'm NOT trying to be mean, really, I just wonder WHEN are YOU gonna point out to him that IF he 'truly' wanterd to make a statement to his family about his devotion to you, he WOULD NOT be accepting their money to "soothe" himself because he's "depressed". It's dumb! You know it really is hard to get a "brat" to grow up and be a real man!! Can you afford to dangle money in front of him to make him dance for you? I am afraid that even though it is obvious he loves you, you are, in the end, just asking way to much of him. He 'can't take the chance' of 'never' having a family to run to or at least the big money. It has been what they've always threatened and even though up til now they haven't doesn't mean they won't and he's to dependent to let that happen. Of course thats just my opinion and I (DO) hope that I'm completely wrong!!!

No, see the funny thing is...his parents have already cut him off before. I have already gone through that and he has done excellent. Actually, what he has bought is a laptop. Two laptops. One Desktop replacement system, (more portable than a desktop) and then a lap computer (i burnt out the lcd on the old one.) So really, although I see where you are coming from, it isn't things that I REALLY need to worry about. I mean I do need to worry, but he CAN survive without money, he's already done it. However, like any human being...if you had that in front of you...wouldn't you spend it?

Also, in his case...his family spends a lot of money. As in...if you don't spend money, somethings wrong with you. Like...well, to them it is normal for his mother to spend 2,000 on a jacket with no second guesses. Now, **my** boy however, doesn't do that...he wont even wear a freaking name brand. (frustrating! :p) So, yea...I DO see where you are coming from...I do and believe me it has hit my head...but...in their eyes...unless their son spends tons of money, he is not one of them...you get what i mean?

[aussiecoffee007]

well he would have to worry about money if he left his family for you, since im guessing they would cut him off, but i mean, everyone has to deal with money at some point. its ridiculous to keep depending on his parents for this long, he is a grown man. he must DO something with his life! take care of himself!

i think when he comes out in september he should just stay. i still dont see any REAL reason for why he is staying there instead of moving out to be with you.

[dutchdiosa]

Well, Teej and I had a conversation today...and it actually may be that his parents might have threatened MY life. I know it seems odd that he would still stay there but his parents are INSANE. His Mother spit at me when I had brought Omar to the hospital last October...so yeah. Which if they did threaten to hurt me in anyway, would give him reasonable clause to leave for a little while until he comes back to America so that we are all safe. All I know is that he is planning on getting a job here in America when he gets back. I, his WONDERFUL fiancee (hehe), set him up with a lot of jobs and a lot of them are waiting for him to come back. Sadly this is a wave that I have to ride out until he gets back...and let me tell you...it's a pain in the ARSE!!!

[aussiecoffee007]

yeah that might explain a lot actually, but why cant he just break away from them? how old is that guy? well im glad he is getting a job and will stay; so it sounds like in september you guys will jsut be together and get married?

[dutchdiosa]

I am not sure. He is 22. Yes, I just hope he actually comes back to get the job...however, all flight plans are in place and have not changed. I just hope he stays nearby. Well, that is what I am hoping for...it depends on him though I guess. :(

[aussiecoffee007]

so i guess there is really nothing to do but wait... why would he move away from you though? i hope he stays with you too and you can just go get married! gosh haha

[~Teej~]

Yeah it's hard but you can only wait now and you can't do anything else but sit and think and wonder whats going on...with the situation being as difficult and unusual as it is..the only option you have is to wait. :(

I am thinking positive things everyday though and really hope that he comes back to you. :)

[dutchdiosa]

Thank you Teej! :D Well, I know he will...just don't know when. I got him in the palm of my hand. :p Yeah, sitting and wondering...not my best quality...and you know what I mean about patience. He wouldn't want too...his parents would make him...that type of thing. I hope he grabs his sac off of the mantle next to his Dad's and his brother's that their mother keeps on the mantle. :)

[aussiecoffee007]

what sac?
i hope that he will come back to you too, but i dont know i feel that he will, i know that he loves you and that this is just an obstacle you guys have to overcome... true love is hard to fight for sometimes

[dutchdiosa]

Hahahaha you know the one that hangs low and it wobbles to and fro? lmao.

I know he will...he just has to see me, and sadly this is a very unfortunate situation...it makes me cry a lot really it does. I believe that he truly loves me...and as Teej can attest...there are SOOOO many signs that show he is full of it...as in full of the whole..."I'm trying to move on ploy."

[aussiecoffee007]

oh yep i think i get what you are talking about now haha

i know, i think he loves you too and i think, just have faith in what you two have and it will overcome it all.

[dutchdiosa]

OOOOOOOOOOOO thank yooooooou. That was so nice of you to say. I have to give up the games for little...my fingers hurt. LMAO. I just really...I want to see him again.

[aussiecoffee007]

haha its cool i want to go eat something :P i know this waiting is hard but it will all be worth it in the end when you two are just together, simply and beautifully...

[dutchdiosa]

I am so scared though. I just wish I knew the right words to write to him...you know? If I had the right words to write...I would do it...and sadly, I have to write him something soon...I just don't know where to start.

[dutchdiosa]

Why is it when I wake up in the morning he is the first thought on my mind and when I go to sleep he is the last though?

This isn't fair! :mad:

[daisychip]

for the sake of not wanting to come across as too negative in your situation AND hoping I am wrong, I am going to refrain from saying anything more and pray that you will have your hearts desire come September.

I do just wanna say that, while you are waiting, you might want to think about when he gets back. I mean, if he isn't able to relate to you a satisfactory answer(s) about why all the different excuses for his actions and how you can move past that or not let it be an issue for the future. I would think it will be difficult for him to explain the dumbness and just suggest you make the choice 'now' on how you're going to deal with it. Know what I mean?

It seems that you are quite intelligent dutchdiosa and I DO hope that you are not blinded by love for him and that since you live the situation you have a better view than me. I want the same for you as you do........to have the love of a lifetime..........and for his family to become a insignificant influence in your lives. I must admit though that I am of a very cautious attitude.

[~Teej~]

Why is it when I wake up in the morning he is the first thought on my mind and when I go to sleep he is the last though?

This isn't fair! :mad:

This is because you love him....love does that to a person...sometimes lying awake at night not being able to sleep because of it...I have been there before :(

[dutchdiosa]

Believe me daisycity...I already decided that I am not going to yell at him for any of it when I see him...I am going to focus on what to do now...which is more important. I am praying everyday, and from what I see and what I know...I know he loves me and it is just a matter of waiting.

[daisychip]

I also believe "what to do now" is more important and will exercise prayer and faith, along with you, that his return will set your world right again.