Loss of Power

[FlistyA]

Just curious as to how folks think: Do you think the person who initiates a reconciliation suffers a 'loss of power' in the relationship (assuming it gets back together) because of some assumed weakness?

Or not, because the partner sees the selflessness.

[Penguin_Woman]

Neither. I don't think relationships should be a power struggle IMHO

[FlistyA]

Neither. I don't think relationships should be a power struggle IMHO

Nor do I. Unfortunately, they can work out that way. :(

[**Sapphire**]

I agree with Penguin. I think if someone says they are "sorry" for something that happened within their relationship & they do get back as a result of apologizing that's a good thing.

To me that means 1 or the other of the couple can admit to some kind of wrong doing & would like to try again.

Of course that wouldn't work if the person cheated on me, if a guy cheats, that's it no matter how much he apologized.

[Pink]

I agree with Sapphire.. Sometimes it takes a lot for someone to admit they are wrong. So I'd say neither.

[**Sapphire**]

It's nice to think that, but with all due respect, that's not very realistic and Flisty has a valid question that should be answered with something more than some passive-aggressive, pie-in-the-sky comment.

Flisty, I hate to use this but I think "it depends." It depends on how it broke, who's fault (if there was a fault) it was, and whether there is a mutual desire to reconcile. I also think you are talking about a situation where a simple "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it. In those more severe cases, I can certainly understand and empathize with the "giving up some power" feeling. I've had it in the past. It's hard because it involves the ego, which is a powerful part of the human psyche. But since I'm not a therapist (although I've been to enough of them I feel I could be), I will not pontificate any clinical-type response.

I will however say to follow your gut (or your heart). If you truly want the relationship to work and you are in a position where you feel you will give up some power in the relationship by reconciling, you have to ask yourself is it worth reconciling in the first place. If by reconciling, you fill that void left empty by the failed relationship, but it's filled with something that barely resembles the relationship you once had because of the "power struggle" then you have to weigh the positives and negatives. Those are my 2 cents. To be honest Flisty, I think it's a question that only you can answer because you know how you are inside and how the relationship makes you feel. Good luck with whatever you do, but know that there are people out here who do empathize with you.

I don't think that Penguins comment/answer to Flisty was "pie in the sky", she was giving her answer to a question. I do agree with her & typed the same with a little more. So is my answer a "pie in the sky" answer as well?

[daisychip]

I think the true answer to this question is in what icechic had to say but doesn't realise it. It is a question of being able to let go of some ego.

Power struggles are a matter of perception. People with huge ego's that aren't able to accept responsibility for their actions...........perceive doing so as a loss of power..........losing. And people that accept they are not perfect do not have to be in a war to win..........so therefore accept that not everyone around them is perfect either and will acceptan apology or whatever as a means to get past and move on.

I agree that some relationships can be a big struggle but in most cases...........both people involved either have big ego's or one has one so big that the other gets tied up in it because there is no compromise.

[FlistyA]

I think the icechik brought out something I may have been reluctant to say earlier.

I know quite well what 'should' be. But the Real World is not that and I see it myself in many situations that what should be mutual compromise becomes battle with hidden agendas, some of which can be quite sumberged psychologically.

I think it's what causes people NOT to concede at times - they may be absolutely correct that the partner will perceive things as 'kindness being weakness'.

THEN what does one do?

[daisychip]

If one truly believes the other will perceive 'kindness for weakness' then it is a matter of the true intent behind the compromise and how secure you can feel about 'it' and the person you are.

I make concessions and compromises because that is my true intention. Not just to make the "other" person feel better but to make "myself" feel better. I am secure in the decision I make and am willing to lay my ego on the line to be bruised if thats what they want to do.

What I mean simply I guess is that............I am strong enough to be perceived as weak. But I know that in reality, the weak one is the other that assumes they've gotten some kind of victory.

How long can you put up with it?............up to the individual.

[TreeofSephri]

I personally think that the weakest people are those who are afraid to relinquish power. I am always the first to apologize when I get into a altercation.

[Penguin_Woman]

No, your answer was of more substance and provided additional insight. To simply say, "it shouldn't be that way" and leave it at that wasn't very helpful, wouldn't you say? Sure it shouldn't be that way. There are a lot of things that shouldn't be a certain way, but in reality they are that way. That's called being idealistic, but relationships aren't anywhere near idealistic. If they were, there would be no need for a forum like this. So when I say it was "pie in the sky" I wasn't saying it wasn't good to think that way or to hope things would be that way. I certainly wish things were that way, but this is an advice forum correct, and that response just didn't seem to fit the spirit of what I've see in past threads because it was a valid question and one that I've dealt with in the past.
Geez excuse me for not answering in a manner you liked. I was coming back later. I was TRYING to collect my thoughts on this matter. Fine...I will expand on my thoughts.
I don't think that relationships shpould be about power and control. I guess there might be some people who look upon the reconciling partner and feel they've lost some power...or just lost a certain...something in their eyes. I am not that way. I think it takes abig person to either admit wrongdoing or forgive the person who did wrong and try to fix what went wrong and all.

That good enough?