Doubting and I don't know why

[zoie05]

Hello, I am new to this site. I am looking for some unbiased ADULT advice. I got divorced a little over a year ago. I almost immediatedly started dating an old friend (someone I have known since I was a little girl). To paint a picture, both of us always "crushed" on each other and never took it to the next level before I got married. We took it pretty slow at 1st, but within the last 4 months we both had financial problems and agreed to move into an apt together to split costs and take our relationship to the next level. Things are wonderful! I mean great. We spend so much time having fun and laughing, making love, cooking meals, going out dancing, little vacations, etc. Our relationship has just completely bloomed since we moved in together. For the 1st time since in forever I was truely happy.
A couple of weeks ago we got into a big fight at a fireworks show. He ended up walking home. It was a full moon and both of us were drinking but I think it really shook me up.
My X was a *******. He was never around, he drank way too much and he sometimes got physical with me. The guy I am with now is great, but he has a bit of a temper. Not a violent temper just one of those who can't handle confrontation and gets very defensive. I guess seeing this side of him scared me enough that since then I have been having so many doubts on if this will work. I know no one is perfect and he apologized for over-reacting time and time again. I am just having such a problem letting it go. What should I do to let it go? I am just so afraid of being in the same situation I was before. :confused:

[Penguin_Woman]

Well, I'd like to welcome you to ATLF. This is a great place with wonderful members. Also, I wanted to tell you tha you need only post your thread in one forum. :) Everyone will see it. I'll get back to you on your question or one of our other fine members will. :)

[zoie05]

How come no one replied to me? :(

[Riggs]

Hello, I am new to this site. I am looking for some unbiased ADULT advice. I got divorced a little over a year ago. I almost immediatedly started dating an old friend (someone I have known since I was a little girl). To paint a picture, both of us always "crushed" on each other and never took it to the next level before I got married. We took it pretty slow at 1st, but within the last 4 months we both had financial problems and agreed to move into an apt together to split costs and take our relationship to the next level. Things are wonderful! I mean great. We spend so much time having fun and laughing, making love, cooking meals, going out dancing, little vacations, etc. Our relationship has just completely bloomed since we moved in together. For the 1st time since in forever I was truely happy.
A couple of weeks ago we got into a big fight at a fireworks show. He ended up walking home. It was a full moon and both of us were drinking but I think it really shook me up.
My X was a *******. He was never around, he drank way too much and he sometimes got physical with me. The guy I am with now is great, but he has a bit of a temper. Not a violent temper just one of those who can't handle confrontation and gets very defensive. I guess seeing this side of him scared me enough that since then I have been having so many doubts on if this will work. I know no one is perfect and he apologized for over-reacting time and time again. I am just having such a problem letting it go. What should I do to let it go? I am just so afraid of being in the same situation I was before. :confused:

I know you have been hurt by your ex, hun, but this guy isn't your ex. If you always try to see him this way, you will spoil a good thing. He doesn't sound like a bad guy, hun. No relationship is perfect, but you have to step back and take a look at what you had before and what you have now. Much better, right? Don't dwell on your past, hun, it's over now. If you do..this one could be over too. You don't want that,do you?

[zoie05]

I know. He definately isn't perfect but he is my best friend and I love him very much. I just get scared that maybe he is just a rebound, or someone to comfort me. When I think like that I get scared that I am with him for the wrong reasons and every time something happens that upsets me I get so closed off. I am so hyper sensitive to yelling, arguing, anything like that. I know its normal to fight and disagree but I can't just let things go. I also freak a little when we talk about marriage or kids. I definately want those things again, I just want to be sure that I am not going to get left in the pits again. Ugh. Such is life. Do you or anyone know how to let this stuff go? I really don't want to screw this up.

[Riggs]

I know. He definately isn't perfect but he is my best friend and I love him very much. I just get scared that maybe he is just a rebound, or someone to comfort me. When I think like that I get scared that I am with him for the wrong reasons and every time something happens that upsets me I get so closed off. I am so hyper sensitive to yelling, arguing, anything like that. I know its normal to fight and disagree but I can't just let things go. I also freak a little when we talk about marriage or kids. I definately want those things again, I just want to be sure that I am not going to get left in the pits again. Ugh. Such is life. Do you or anyone know how to let this stuff go? I really don't want to screw this up.


When there is too much on my plate that I can't handle.. I give it to God. I say..here, God..this one is yours. I don't like fighting either. I will take a drive..come back sit down and talk with her about it.

[Penguin_Woman]

Sorry about that Zoie...yeah I had/have that problem too. I'm very non-confrontational. I hate to argue and that fact and fear that things weren't gonna work out, fears and stress about a lot of things. Nearly cost me the love of my life. I know better now. I know couples fight. I know they argue. Just know if he ever raises his hand to you, it's time to go.

[Riggs]

Yes, I agree with what was said above me.

[zoie05]

I think giving it to God is what I should do. He has a plan and what is meant will be. I should just trust that.

I would never stay with a man who hits me. I came close to that before. I just hope I can get this stress out of my head. I tend to let it consume me until I can't even be in the same room with him. I really don't want to screw this up.

[Riggs]

I think giving it to God is what I should do. He has a plan and what is meant will be. I should just trust that.

I would never stay with a man who hits me. I came close to that before. I just hope I can get this stress out of my head. I tend to let it consume me until I can't even be in the same room with him. I really don't want to screw this up.

I will post something that may help, if I can't find it.

[aussiecoffee007]

if he hits you i would leave him right away... but other than that, i mean you two will fight relationships arent all the good stuff, so i dont think theres anything TO do, i mean you are settling into the reality stage where he has a temper and you have a temper (im assuming, even somewhat? a little one? :) ) and people fight differently, but the reality is, people fight. so i wouldnt worry about it.
if he gets abusive that is a total other story!

[Riggs]

Isaiah 43:18 19

Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing !
Now it springs up; do you
not perceive it?

[zoie05]

Ok, here is another question...I woke up with this one swimming in my head this morning. Why is it that lately I find myself feeling differently? I wonder if I should have stayed single for a while after my divorce. When this guy and I started dating it was just supposed to be temporary. You know someone to have fun with and help comfort me. Then we started getting semi serious and moved in together. I was so happy 2 weeks ago. We get into this fight and now all these doubts come to a head. Then I think that maybe I am afraid to be alone or something. GOD! How frusterating to not even know your own feelings. I wish I wasn't such a worry wart.

[Penguin_Woman]

In retrospect...maybe you should have. But I think you are just scared because you guys are getting serious nowIt's natural to feel nervous. There was a time I didn't know my heart either. When things got stressful and arguments sprouted up...I wanted to run. But it's unnatural to never fight. I think really put your heart and soul into this relationship and try to make it work. Don't give up too easily or you will regret it.

[zoie05]

That is what I am going to try to do. He may have a bit of a short fuse, but its not violent, he is my best friend and we have tons of chemistry and have a great time together. We have good talks and great sex. We just have to learn how to fight fair now. I tend to overanalyze my fears and push myself away. Actually I did this in my marriage too and I think it caused alot of our problems. I just wish I knew how to turn it off. I mean it wakes me up in the middle of the night! Weird!

[Penguin_Woman]

I apologise in advance if this sounds like New age nonsense...but you have to stop your negative "self-talk". Instead of thinking "What if it doesn't work, what if he gets violent, what if this...what if that." Focus on what you just said...he's your best friend, you guys have a good time together, your learning how to fight fair etc. Also, keep the lines of communication open. if you have worries or concerns...tell him. Don't keep it all bottled up or you'll drive yourself batty. :D

[zoie05]

I know, its just one of those easier said than done things. I don't want him to know I am having all these doubts b/c I don't want him to pull away from me too. I have already driven myself batty. I hate being a "second guesser."

[Riggs]

I know, its just one of those easier said than done things. I don't want him to know I am having all these doubts b/c I don't want him to pull away from me too. I have already driven myself batty. I hate being a "second guesser." I can understand that.

[Riggs]

Ok, here is another question...I woke up with this one swimming in my head this morning. Why is it that lately I find myself feeling differently? I wonder if I should have stayed single for a while after my divorce. When this guy and I started dating it was just supposed to be temporary. You know someone to have fun with and help comfort me. Then we started getting semi serious and moved in together. I was so happy 2 weeks ago. We get into this fight and now all these doubts come to a head. Then I think that maybe I am afraid to be alone or something. GOD! How frusterating to not even know your own feelings. I wish I wasn't such a worry wart.


It's normal to feel this way once your heart is broken. You just have to not let one bad apple spoil it for ya, hun. Your ex isn't above you, so don't put him there. He is only some jerk you married. Not all guys are jerks, hun, so don't put your new man in the same basket as your rotten apple ex husband
is in.

[zoie05]

I think I am just going to wait it out and keep thinking about all the positive good stuff in our relationship. God will intervene if needed. :) I do love this guy. I am going to stick with my heart and stop listening to all my fears.

[aussiecoffee007]

well then i am happy for you and keep us updated okay? :)