Escaping the Friend Zone

[cleverfool]

Ok first I want to say I can't believe I'm doing this. Never was worried about love or asked advice on women to anyone let alone online.ive been single for the longest and would not consider my self a player but I have my share of fun.

But I have this situation that's driving me crazy and would appreciate some advice.

Years ago I met a girl who I thought was absolutely amazing. Smart, sexy and kind. Turns out she was in a relationship so any hope of me and her was quickly thrown out the window and I accepted that. We became friends and kept in touch and she eventually moved on to another relationship.

Recently she broke up with her BF she’s been with for years and I consulted her on the issue. During this process she told me what she wanted from a relationship and turns out it's exactly what I wanted from a woman. Boom. Then I realized that my old feelings for her returned but this time even more intense. She is on my mind constantly and little things remind me of her.

Since we had been friends for a while I was going to hold off from telling her until a later date and not ruin the friendship. One day while at her place I said something flirty and she asked why I would even say that. I couldn't lie to her so I told her how I felt towards her. She did not take it well saying that I have ruined the friendship we have and that we should not see each other until I got over her. I told her I will be okay eventually since I knew she did not feel the same way towards me and I normally don’t worry about relationships with women anyway. That kind of caught her off guard I say because I feel she expecting me to beg for her to feel something towards me or get upset.

We sat there in awkward silence for a while and then I noticed her tone changed when she spoke. She seemed more playful towards me. Commenting stuff like shes cold and that sucks that I was leaving cause she wanted to watch a movie. Maybe im looking at this wrong but that was relatively flirtatious to me

Anyway weeks passed and she still continued to let me come over to her place even though she recommended we stay apart. We did not discuss the issue again. One day she texts me asking why I lied to her . I told her I did not and she eventually starts criticizing me of being stubborn, macho, etc. saying she does not like guys like that.

All this has me confused because I do not know what she is thinking towards me. She allows me to come over and then she critiques me about what type of guys she likes. I think she is interested in me but since she has had bud luck with men is scared to try a relationship.

So now im not sure what to do here. Any advice would be helpful

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome to ATLF, glad that you joined us here. :welcome2:

I don't know here, if she told you that she doesn't share the same feelings, then she may be telling the truth. It could be because you told her that your feelings will be OK & you know that you 2 can remain friends, that she is still wanting to hang out with you.

Then again, she could like you a bit more & maybe is taking some time to "feel you out" so that she doesn't potentially get hurt. Not that you would, but she just got out of a long term relationship, she may need time to be on her own, find herself again & to regroup.

[cleverfool]

Thanks sapphire. I plan to see where this goes the next couple of weeks and bring up the issue again as i need to know what direction to head.

"Drunk texted" her this weekend on some advice from a friend since she said she wouldn't expect it. Told her I miss her and was worried. Got an immediate response and call at 4am and again in the morning asking why.

[**Sapphire**]

Did you talk to her about the "drunk text" when you were sober? Did you tell her the "why" of her question?

[cleverfool]

In the morning the day after she called and we talked for a bit. Eventually got back to the text and she said I don't need to worry about her which I knew she would say as she is a very independent person. Although she tells me she cries sometimes so I know she's stressed.

She didn't ask why I missed her but of course she knows why. We said goodbye and that's where that's at.

I try not to contact her as often as we used to talk in order to give her space to straighten out her issues. Its the mixed signals that I get when we hang out that I can't put a finger on

[BristolFan]

She's interested.
She's confused about her feelings for you.. does she want just friendship or more? Is she scared? Would it work?

All these things that you are wondering and asking, she is asking herself to.
I say keep seeing her, talking etc. and don't hide your feelings.
I'm not saying throw them out there, and bug her, force her and push her into making a decision..
but don't try and keep them away, or you risk her losing interest or thinking that you have lost interest. Maybe she is on a forum right now, saying she is getting mixed signals from you!

At some point, you're gonna have to let her know your feelings, and tell her what you want properly (not half-heartedly!). Be honest, but don't be pushy.

Tell her there's no pressure on her.. She doesn't have to respond/reply straight away. And whatever her answer, you will respect it. But, you are confused, don't understand what she thinks, and want to know.

I was in this situation. You risk losing a friend by doing it.. but by not doing it, you risk losing a possible future.

Good luck.

[cleverfool]

Thanks guys! I'm not the type of person to ask for help on anything let alone relationships with women....but shes worth it

Not experienced in women when it comes getting into a relationship just relations. I'm always the confident ******* but at last I think I found a woman who can show my true self to

[BristolFan]

Then do it. Show her what you can be..

[**Sapphire**]

I agree with Bristol, show her what you can do, go for it. In life you have to take chances, some may not work out, while others will. If you don't take the chance you will never know or learn from them.

[cleverfool]

So asked her what she was up to tonight....got a response out of town.

Then followed by she need time and space because she feels weird around me now. Says she cant pretend she didn't hear anything

Looks like she was telling truth. Oh well, had to give it a shot because I would have hated to always asking what if. No regrets

Hope we can remain friends but we shall see. Life' lessons are sometimes best learned the hard way in my case.

[**Sapphire**]

Well it was good that you took the chance. Sorry it didn't work in your favor, but maybe after a little bit you 2 can remain friends.

If not, you did take the chance & now you know you can take another chance in the future.

[cleverfool]

Yeah it would be nice to remain friends since I have known her a couple years.

Just had to take a chance since I would have regretted it. Actually she recently called me asking for a favor which was to find out if her ex (mutual friend) had a GF so she could not meet up with him.

Don't understand this. Is she calling as a friend? And why so soon after she her self said we should not talk for a period. I mean she knows how I feel about her so why call me for this favor??

I feel like im her safety net and not liking it one bit.

[**Sapphire**]

You could be a safety net of sorts for her. If you don't like that feeling, when she contacts you, don't pick up the phone or whatever. Leave her be for a bit.

You could also talk to her about it, ask why she's contacting you right away when she said a little time would be good apart.

[cleverfool]

Well been a couple months since I got on here. Have not spoken to her since our last call. I don't think about her as much as I used to or rather DONT let my self think about her.

Have been doing good as I knew I would be for the most part. Don’t tend to let rejection ever bother me but lately been thinking about her.

Despite not letting this really bother me I have noticed I am keeping my distance from females as far as getting to be too friendly. Been on my “*******/mysterious” mode that seems to work better for me.

No emotions, just direct in what I want. Problem is I hate admitting that I am doing this because of her. All I want is a woman I can fall in love with but I have my guard up again and not sure how long I will keep this up. Always find it funny when women say they want a nice guy but are attracted to assholes. This is the reason I decided to act like an ******* years ago and it worked for hooking up but when I try to be nice it doesn’t work out.

There is actually a sweet innocent girl I think is interested in me but I have been blowing her off choosing to make it a non emotional relationship and aim for a sexual one instead. Before this I probably would have tried to work something out but now im not interested in the potential heartache.

Clearly the situationwith my friend did some damage and would like to resolve it. Which leads me to a lot of questions.

Been wondering if I should make 1st contact again or let her contact me? She is pretty similar too me in that we would probably not want to make 1st contact since that would give up the upper hand. We are incredibly stubborn

Should I even attempt to contact her? Not sure how I would even react to her if she did contact me. Im afraid how I would react since I have had a lot of mixed emotions on her deciding not to talk to me.Part of me is understanding that she needed space and time to deal with her issues. Other part is ****** that after so many times she told me about douche bag guys always treating her bad and contacting her inappropriately yet she always replied to them. But she ignored my call and texts. And finally a part of me just wants to contact her to let her know i was right and didn’t need her.

Anyway, needed to vent. Relationships are so complicated. Despite me not wanting to admit it they are. Thanks for reading!

[**Sapphire**]

Personally I wouldn't bother contacting her. It's been a bit now & neither of you have contacted each other. I think it's safe to assume you both have gotten on with your lives.

Now on to the "baggage" you have from the other girl hurting you. I know it's hard, but you can't bring that baggage with you to another girl. Like the 1 you are having a sexual relationship with, but nothing more. You mentioned this girl is sweet & you think she is interested in you. Do you think by being off putting towards her & not wanting to take things to a relationship level is a good idea? This woman could be someone who is very, genuinely interested in you & won't put you in the friend zone, mess with your head. She could be the 1 that you do have the relationship/love you have been wanting.

You have to set aside the hurt from the last girl & take that chance with this new 1.