Trying to win her back

[Pattoni]

My ex-girlfriend dumped me 4 months ago. We'd gone out for almost 2 years. She has a 3 year old kid who thought of me as his dad. She never gave me a real answer for why she dumped me. Mainly when we fought which wasnt often it was over living together. She wanted to buy a house early on & I said we should wait & save up money. So all of a sudden she bought a house on her own. It upset me but I worked through it. I live with my brothers in a house they own but I felt like I owed it to them to live there awhile to help pay them back. She said she understood. I loved her, still do & I wanted to make it work. I think she didnt trust I was into her.

She would say things like that once in awhile. She would say im married to my brothers sometimes. I would tell her I'd spend more time with her if she wanted but then shed say she didnt have time. She also asked me to marry her early on and I didnt think she was serious because she just said you know we should get married, I guess she thought of it as a proposal and I shot her down. I told her after I found out it wasnt just joking around that I will but we need to wait awhile. We did go look at rings months later & she knew I was going to ask her at some point. When she dumped me I also told her I would marry her if shed take me if that was the problem, I was actually going to ask her in a few weeks! I also work nights so we only saw each other on weekends mostly. Towards the end she made it hard to be alone with her.

She always had friends with us so it was really hard to talk & see what was up. At one point she said we'd grown apart but then she said dont worry though everything will be fine and she loved me. So when she dumped me she said it was because of her religion and she wanted to raise her kid that way & really get into it. I told her that I could work with her on anything but that. She said she was lonely also & I said I could get a day job if she needed that...she'd never said she wanted me to before. Anyway we didnt talk for months, after we talked the last time about how Id try & work it out if she would she never responded to me. Her sister still talked to me. I figured she'd got another guy & that was why she left because it seemed like it with the way she acted. Her sister & mutual friends all told me she wasnt with anyone. That she missed me & talked about me still. I emailed her 1 day &said I really would like to try again & I hope she would think about it. She replied this time & said she still loved me & would like to get together to talk. Be friends & maybe more later. I said cool.

She texted me 1 night & I responded but no response from her. 2 weeks later she responds. Says shes worried shell fall for me again but not that its a bad thing. She wanted to wait to get together till she knew what she wanted. I say as long as shes open to trying im fine with whatever happens but I dont want to waste my time. She says her kid also misses me & we should take him to a movie & lunch. Once again fine lets do that, itll be fun. We talk a few times on the phone. The first time was good, lasted 30 minutes & I even talk to the kid and hes way excited too. She also tells me she stopped going to church. I dont know if she was hinting or anything but she made it a point to tell me about the religion thing not working so im thinking thats good. Next time we talk its just to decide on how to get together but she doesnt seem to want to talk.

So yesterday we finally got together. I go pick her up and she says that the kid isnt coming. He was being bad so he had to stay home and clean up his room and think about what hed done. Her cousin was there to babysit so we went and saw a movie without him. We seemed to be having fun I was making her laugh & we were talking very easily. Mainly catching up on stuff. we watched the movie she sat close to me so I know that is a good sign usually. Then we went to 1 of her sisters house to visit. Then we went back to her place to see the kid and take him to eat later. She had her other sisters come over so I could see their new babies. They were all nice to me so I figured that was a good sign, the fact they were cool to me & also that she invited them over.

Anyway I played with the kid alot. He was really excited to see me but it got to the point that it was me & the kid interacting & my ex & her cousin who was still there interacting. The cousin was supposed to leave and go to a movie with my ex's brother for babysitting. So we decide to go to dinner and the cousin comes along. No big deal but at dinner once again its me and the kid & her and her cousin talking with each other. Not the whole time but more, it just felt weird like she was avoiding me maybe? After dinner we go back to her place & her brother shows up but instead of them going to a movie they decide to stay & watch TV. I dont know if my ex wanted them to or what was going on but once again no chance to talk to her. Im there mainly because the kid is saying he wants me to play. We both tell him OK but its bed time so only a little more. We both also say if hes good Ill come back sometime & play & maybe we will see a movie next week if hes good. So I read him a bedtime story. When we put him to bed he says he doesnt want me to leave. Dont leave, I want you to stay forever. My ex tells him I have to go to work but that ill stay till he falls asleep but right now we have to go talk but hell come back in and see you after. So we leave but we cant talk because the cousin & brother are still there. My ex is in her pajamas at this point also so im like do I need to go or should I stay till the kid falls asleep. She says its up to me but it would be nice to stay. He doesnt fall asleep till 10:30! He keeps calling for me so I would go in once in awhile. Finally I tell him ill sit on his chair untill he falls asleep if he promises to close his eyes. He does & finally falls asleep. I was there for 9 hours total (movie everything) which seems like a good sign but im worried ive stayed way too long. She walks me out. I say it was fun, she says it was good seeing you again & she had fun too. She gives me a hug, at first it looked like she mightve gone for a kiss but it was too dark to tell. Its a lingering type hug though & she buries her face in my neck. She was either smelling my cologne that she really loved before or she was sighing like this is bad, I couldnt tell. So I say hope we can do it again, see what happens. Dont want to force anything but I hope we can try & make it work. She says I had fun, it was good seeing you again. Same exact line! So I dont know if she was blowing me off or what.

Sorry this was so long. So what should I do? Should I wait to see if she talks to me next or should I try to make the next move. I dont want to scare her away but I dont want to not try at all either. Im so confused as to what I should do.

[Penguin_Woman]

Welcome, Pattoni to ATLF. I dunno...sounds like she wants to be friends with you right now. So, let her make the next move and take things slow. :)

[Pattoni]

Thanks for the welcome. So I should just wait for her to talk next? Should I even think about calling her to say thanks or anything like that? Im really bad with this kind of thing. I really think I wont hear from her again unless I say something. Although with the kid loving me so much you'd think she'd call just for that alone maybe. Thanks though, I really like this site. Never thought id be in a situation like this to need it but now that I am im glad its around!

[~Teej~]

Just wait for her to call..I am sure that she will..especially if the kid is missing you.

Good luck and have patience.

If she is missing you then it is a good sign.

[4evertommysgirl]

she already knew that you wanted her back and you are just waiting for her to come back to you, well if she still loves you then she'll return to you, just like the songs says " love will lead you back"

[Pattoni]

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate it. I hope I didnt screw up but I did end up emailing her and thanking her. Just letting her know whenever she wants to do something again thats cool, let her know I was interested still in her but friends are cool also just not as cool. She did reply though so I guess thats good...she usually wont reply or talk anymore if shes put off. Said she had a great time again and would like to get together again for sure. She also commented on how I was in such great spirits and asked if im an optimist now. She used to say I was too negative at times so im thinking thats good also. I told her ive been working on that and am more of a positive person but I doubt id ever be called an optimist, but in a joking way also. Hope that is good, its hard to say with women. Ive been told that if a girl dumps you and its not for something that you did bad to them you have no chance. They wont respect you as a man anymore and so im just trying to make sure she knows im interested but at the same time im trying to not force it...its a fine line.

Anyway thanks again and if anyone has anymore ideas or tips on what to do now let me know. I think im supposed to just lay back and wait at this point and hope she decides to do something again and try and keep showing her im good for her.

[4evertommysgirl]

you did good bro!

[Penguin_Woman]

I agree. :) Sounds like you did good. Now just wait. :)

[Pattoni]

Thanks again everyone I really do appreciate it!

One question that is bothering me though. How long before I know she isnt interested or that I better make a move? Like I said before if I dont email her or call it seems like I wont hear from her. I know im freaking out a bit but after a day or 2 should I start getting worried? Can it take a week or longer even and im still OK? I keep thinking if she wanted to be with me she wouldnt wait like this but then again she might be doing it on purpose? I know I need to relax but its so hard to do.

[Penguin_Woman]

Yeah give it a week...maybe more theb maybe call her up...just to say hi see how she and her kid are doing

[Pattoni]

Thanks again, just felt like giving an update in case anyone was curious. I called her tonight to see if we were going to take the kid to a movie this weekend. She had talked about it last weekend. Anyway she said she already took him. I was like OK, guess that answers the question as to if we were getting together to take him this weekend. She says Awww we need to get together again soon though. I said whenever you want, Ill leave it up to you though. She just said OK silly boy. I know this means its done. I mean she wouldve waited or atleast said lets do something else if she was serious. I know all I can do now is not talk to her at all and see if she comes calling...which believe me I will do this time but I know she wont call. Its over and I have to face it. I shouldve seen it coming though. I think I just felt like this was my last chance at being with someone. Im getting older, ive tried so many different places and ways to meet women and nothing. Im even starting to think about plastic surgery or something because I just cant figure it out. I dont think im ugly but ive even tried all the major online dating services and nothing. Im devastated by this to be honest, I feel even worse I think then when she dumped me. I dont think ive ever been happier than the other day when I got to hangout with her again. Its like I know its the end now. Not just with her but with any girl, I know that sounds crazy but I just know it.

[~Teej~]

Aww please don't get yourself so down...No-one is worth feelng this way hun...You will get over this and I am sure you will find someone else....As for the surgery why would you want to do it?...Would you really want to be with someone just because they went for you for your looks???

We all get old and wrinkly in the end...Make sure the next person can love you for who you are and not the way you look.

In my opinion this girl doesn't deserve you.

[Pattoni]

Thanks, sorry for that last post I was just so bummed. Now im confused again. So I didnt talk to her at all since then. Tonight she calls me and we talk a bit and then she asks if I wanted to go to a movie with her and the kid. Of course I said yes, probably shouldnt have but I still want to try and make things work. Anyway we go to dinner without the kid, have a good time again. I have her laughing all that good stuff. We go to the movie, once again we have fun. This time at the end of the night we walk out to my car and she grabs my arm and we hold hands which she instigates. She says thanks and I say thanks of course. Had a good time, was surprised to hear from her. She said I hadnt heard from you for awhile so I figured Id call, I said I told you I was going to leave it up to you at this point. Anyway we hug again and say good night. Lets do it again soon. Was this a good sign? The hand holding or am I looking into it way too much. Ive just heard that girls do stuff like that if they like you. Im trying to pick up any hints at all as to if she's interested or not. If so should I keep doing the not talking to her or should I step it up a bit? Thank you all so much again, I really appreciate it.

[**Sapphire**]

It could be that she was interested, not really sure though.

I would just try to take things slow like you are doing now. See if she calls you again & if she does you 2 go out, how things go from there. I know you want her back, but I wonder if you push her a little bit if she will back off. So, I would be a little patient (I know it's hard when you love someone) & let her continue to make the first moves for a little bit longer.

Best of luck to you. :)

[Pattoni]

Thanks. I know I probably am not supposed to keep posting on this. I did the let her call thing and she did again. We went and hung out with the kid and her cousin this time. We talked a little. I asked her about the holding hands stuff and just trying to find out my boundaries that kind of thing. She said she thinks things are going good and lets just let things fall where they do. Is that a good thing for a girl to say? I can see that going either way. She then called me later that night and we talked for an hour. She has a major thing going on in her family and she needed to talk to someone and she said I was the only person she trusted. Again is that a good thing or is it more of a just friends thing? I really dont know, ive heard its bad when a girl does that but ive also heard its good if she trusts you like that.

I guess im just confused still. Is it wise for me to just continue with this and see what happens? Its been a month now of working on this and still I have no idea if she's interested in being just friends or more. Doesnt it seem like if she were interested in more she would say so by now or can it take awhile? She has started to talk to me more than she did before so that might mean shes coming around a bit. I dont want to blow it if there is a chance but at the same time I dont want to get used or something like that.

[**Sapphire**]

Sounds to me like she is taking things slowly with you. That can be a good thing, you both get to know each other with out the "hurry up" & be in a relationship stuff that gets in the way.

Have you talked to her about where things are going since it's been a month? Maybe have a talk with her a bit more & find out how she feels about you.

Oh, don't ever think that you can't keep posting about things. Anytime you have questions, doubts, whatever, feel free to come back here & post away. We are all here to do out best to help others & each other! :)

[daisychip]

Since you have let her know how you feel Pattoni, it is just a matter of how long you want to keep letting her call the shots. I understand giving people time and space but......you also have a say........it's your life too. If you can wait a week, month or year(s), thats totally your choice. You'll know when the time is........to either apply pressure or let her go. Define what YOU want and when and you will have your answers. Bright days to you.

[~Teej~]

Always always always feel you can come back and post....We are all here for each other thats what makes this a great lil forum :D

[Pattoni]

Thanks again everyone, glad there isnt a limit of how many times you can ask questions on a subject. I guess im just confused. I just cant read her, if I ask her she doesnt really give a straight answer. Its always its going good lets see how it turns out type answers. The fact that we know each other pretty well so there shouldnt need to be such a long getting to know each other thing throws me off also. I keep thinking she must be just playing me but then we talk or get together and I have hope it could work.

[**Sapphire**]

Best of luck to you, I hope that things will go a little bit faster for you. Maybe give her a little more time to take things slowly. If things haven't progressed in say another month, I would have a serious talk with her.

[Pattoni]

I think I really messed it all up. We talked a bit this past weekend, mostly by text because I was out of town for most of the weekend. Anyway one night she texted and asked if I still love her. I said yes, which she already knew. She said it felt good to hear that but she is confused. I asked if she still liked me atleast and she said she does but she doesnt understand why I still like her. Told her why wouldnt I and I wish we could try again. She didnt talk to me again till the next day. Said she had drank too much and got sick but she was fine with what I said. Anyway we were supposed to go do something Sunday but she said she was sick. I said OK, I get it...this was what she did when she dumped me before. Its been fun, I guess let me know if you ever do want to do something again if not its been fun. She says how about next weekend? Anyway I say its all up to you im done trying and not getting any answers from you. Anyway she acts like its no big thing and today she says not to be a dork. I say thats cool, I guess thats a good sign if your joking with me but let me know if you want to talk sometime. Havent heard from her since. Anyway im pretty sure its over after all this. Totally sucks. Is there anything I should do now? Just leave her be and see what happens or should I go all out and try to win her at this point? I just dont know what to do and its killing me!

[**Sapphire**]

I think you should leave her be & let her contact you. Seems to me that she is a little confused right now. I think giving her some time to sort things out will be good for her. Hopefully then she will contact you & you 2 can have a talk.

Good luck & keep us posted. :)

[~Teej~]

Yeah I agree to just let her be for now...If you are meant to be then you will be..Just try and put this all behind you and move on if that's possible.

[daisychip]

It kinda sounds like your girl is not feeling very good about herself right now. She wonders why you still like her, she on at least one occassion drank too much and is confused. I think she is confused about more than just the issue of being with you. You have said before she was wanting a 'christian' life or something like that and now she has abandoned that and went to drinking and god knows what else may be happening.

This can be a tricky area for you. Even if I may be overexaggerating a bit about the drinking etc., the question of why you would still like her raises a flag. IMO.....you should, like others say, back-off like you have but insert yourself occassionally. Do not let her call all the shots like I said previously. You want to be supportive and help her to help herself. I'm sorry, I don't remember if anything about counseling has been said but it sounds like she needs some........you want to get her there so she can feel better about herself and make decisions that will suit and be good for HER. Even if that would eventually mean you not being included. At least at that point you too would know that the decision to include or exclude you was made by a person that truly knew who they are and what they wanted.

This may be a long process but if you are ready to commit yourself to her then you won't have a problem with wanting wants best for her and waiting. Tell her you think it would be a good idea and be ready to go with if needed and participate. You are the one she seems to turn to so be that true friend and love and rock and let her know "strongly" that you are there for her.

Keep coming back when you need help or just a shoulder.

[Pattoni]

Thanks again, I dont know what Id do without this place right now. Im going to let her be. I think I will occasionally text her or something but nothing more than a joke here or there...does that seem like it would be OK or should I not even do that. Figure that would leave the lines open to communicate if she wanted to because im sure she wont very often if ever if I dont do it.

I have noticed she is drinking alot more than before. Before I met her I guess she used to drink more than a normal person would. Id heard stories of her getting really drunk. Around me she didnt though really, I was there to help her pace herself I guess. Her friends would always comment on how happy they were that I was there to do that. I guess that could be a problem now because the other night she must have been really drunk and I know a few other times she said shed been out at the bars with friends. Sounds like it happens alot. I just dont know if thats something I should get into with her right now though. She does have a 3 year old kid though and it does bother me a bit that she does go out and drink atleast once if not more than once a week...sounds like theres been weeks where its been 2 or 3 times. Like she's going out and trying to be a college kid again or something. It is something that I know could be bad but I would like to help her if it is a problem but I dont want her to hate me either and I think she would go crazy if I brought that up right now. She used to go to counseling I know but hasnt in awhile for other things. I dont know if thats what her problem is or not.

[daisychip]

Well I would never sit where I do and say that she has a drinking problem but what I will say is that drinking more and more is not helping her to be a better person or figure out what she truly wants. It is sooo easy to decide that a problem isn't worth the effort when 'somebody else' calls and asks if you wanna go out. I mean....went out with (jack n Suzy) last night and then Mary calls and asks, you know what I mean? I hope. Anyway, I'm kinda in a break-up...maybe stay together...who knows...thing myself and know the feeling of wanting to get out there and live it up a bit too.......so it could just be a little of that for her, but theres nothing stopping you from asking, the next time you talk, why does she seem to be drinking more and more. It's a fair question.......she does have a child.........and you just want to be sure she's not using it as an escape. If she becomes defensive I would suggest not pushing the matter, just say, I just wanted to ask about an observation I made thats all and go onto something else. Like I said previously, it could be a tricky area and you wanna tread slowly. No conclusion jumping. Be there to be ready to be her support, until you feel like YOU cannot or don't want to anymore. If you feel like she really is just playin' and keeping you on a string then you can decide what to do but I hope for now you can give her the benefit of doubt and let her play a little but 'reminding' her once in awhile that you are there and want more.

[Pattoni]

Hi. I havent been around for awhile, got a PM from one of you nice people:) Just an update on what happened for those who care. She ended up telling me she didnt want to go out with me because she couldnt see herself being with me in the future. Still wanted me to hang out though and be in the kids life. Her sister then emails me a few days later saying she is worried about her. She has stopped talking to her family and that some new guy is living in her house with her. She thought I knew about the guy and figured thats why the sister and I werent together. I told her I didnt know about that but figured. Anyway she was very worried and was freaking out about it. The guy had already proposed to her a few times according to her sisters friend and the guy had no job and was basically mooching off her. We talked about all the stuff that was going on. The drinking and other problems. Anyway I talked to my ex again and just laid it out there. Didnt mention anything about the new guy but let her know I knew something if that makes sense. But told her basically she needed to look at herself and decide what she needed. If she didnt think she had problems with drinking and other things fine but I think she knows she does. Said I wished I could be in the kids life but couldnt be around the disrespect and all that she had going for everyone and especially me. Told her to remember the people she hung out with (losers, druggies etc that her sister told me about) where all the people her son could be when he gets older if she isnt careful who she lets into his life. Anyway she hasnt talked to me since which is fine. She did start talking to her sister again and her sister said she would keep on her because the family also thought she needed to do something. But they also know she wont do it till she wants to you know? I havent heard from her sister in over a month so im sure its all turned to where im the bad guy but I dont really care at this point. Im sure she is already getting married at the least and heading for trouble. Other than that ive tried getting back into dating. Tried a few online sites even without success. Its tough being in Utah and non-LDS especially. Im still looking into plastic surgery possibly but who knows. I figure thats one of your only chances these days of landing a nice girl.

Anyway thanks for the help I got. I will try to post more on here and it wont be so crazy and long:)

[daisychip]

It makes me sad to hear that she is choosing a path leading to misery and heartache for herself and family. I know all too well what might happen and it's just heart-wrenching. I hope the family will get involved and talk with people that might be able to help push her towards 'wanting' to help herself.

I am happy for you though because you have actually been given a gift of not having to be drug down in the mess she is causing. Only in the minds of people that don't think clearly would see you as the bad guy. And I'm glad you don't care what they would think anyway, it shows you are bigger and beyond that. It is to bad that the kids won't have you as an influence but I think you're better off not being involved in her situation at all.

I'm sorry the relationship didn't work out like you had hoped for in the beginning but I truely believe you have been saved for s/o better and will find it when the time is right.

Thanks for the update. Wishing you happiness!

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome back Pattoni, glad to see you back with us! :)

I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out. As Daisy said though it was probably a very good thing that things didn't work out as you wouldn't want to be in the middle of the drama/drug scene.

Hopefully she will get her life back on track. At least you aren't in it with her or having to deal with the aftermath of her decisions.