I'm in love with my best friend...

[xhris11]

I have this friend, actually she is my best friend ever, and of course, I've fallen in love with her like it's nobody's business. we started off as regular friends about 3 years ago but over the last few months we have become very close, and I'm pretty sure I'm her best friend of all time. we talk every day, call each other things like "sweety" etc and say "i love you" to each other every time we talk now. we've never slept together but it comes up in conversation in a joking way. we were even laying in bed together under the covers and watching TV. (what friends do that?) we pretty much act like a couple in every possible way except the sexual part. anyone who sees us together would think we're a couple by the way we talk to each other. the only kicker is that she told me that she wants to stay friends. but for some strange reason my brain still thinks I can make her change her mind. I know, I know it sounds like a recipe for disaster so I'm not going to get hung up on her and if I meet someone else i'm gonna go for it. but she also tells me that its a good idea to be friends first before a relationship (in general, she was not talking about us in particular). she even said that if I had met someone she would be pretty upset. (like as in jealous) Is there anything I can do to get her to change her mind? I feel that what I'm doing seems to be working, but I still have a long way to go. I don't believe in that "friend zone" nonsense (and neither does she) because what I'm looking for is a long term relationship, possibly even leading to marriage someday. and who better to marry than your best friend?

I should mention that she is currently single and we are both in our 20s.

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome to ATLF, glad that you joined us here & posted. :)

I think it's best to remain friends if/when she may be ready to take things to the next level. If she has stated she wants to be friends, then there isn't much you can do to change her mind. If you tried to change her mind, you very well may push her away or make her feel uncomfortable & that can/will change your friendship with her.

[happygirl69]

I randomly came across your post, and decided to join to tell you about my experience. I know it's almost been a month since you posted, and a lot could have changed but I will share anyway :)

My boyfriend now, was in your exact situation over a year ago. We have been dating nearly a year and a half now, and I am happier every day with him. We were actually roommates at the time and apparently he started to get a crush on me, and I was oblivious. But during that time, I just became closer to him as a friend. I started to notice that I trusted him so much and that if I was upset with anything or needed someone to talk to or ask a favor I started to get that feeling he was the one I wanted to talk to about it more than anything. AKA he was my best friend. We were just summer roommates so when school started again we no longer lived together, but talked and saw each other almost every day.
He still had a crush on me, and figured I didn't feel the same and dated another girl for a month or so. I was the first person he told that he started dating her, and I initially was genuinely super happy for him because he seemed excited. But I started to notice that they were not compatible at all. She was NOT good enough for him, and I started getting jealous (not that he had a girlfriend I didn't like him then) but because he was getting closer to someone else and it made me mad that I knew more about him than she did, etc. PLUS all that cutesy couple stuff made me sick, and I didn't like hearing about her talking about him ALL the time... I STILL knew more about him than she did it drove me crazy. <---- this may be the "jealousy" your friend was talking about.
It finally got to the point that I honestly did not know why he was with her because he was so much smarter than her and she was so annoying (everyone thought so, not just me). I felt that I knew him enough to have a good case and ask him about it, and he told me that he agreed with me and just didn't know how to break up with her. The next morning he did it.

Shortly after, one day he picked me up from work and took me to get some coffee and admitted it to me. He told me that he cared more about me than he did himself. Basically all that adorable stuff that any girl would want to hear. It took him months to get the balls to tell me exactly how he felt. He said he was afraid that I didn't feel the same but he couldn't keep it in anymore and was asking me if there was anyway I could see us being more than just friends. I knew him enough and how shy he was about stuff like that that I was blown away that he would admit all that to me and how hard it was for him. I also knew him enough to know that all the stuff he said was the complete truth.

Of course, I didn't know how I felt about it. I did not feel awkward, I felt the same way about a lot of the things he said, except I could not picture us dating. I couldn't say no, but I couldn't say yes. I had no clue how I felt. I loved him, and trusted him blah blah blah... but isn't that how you should feel anyway about your best friend? I didn't really see any reason to change our relationship to a different level when I thought it was perfect the way that it was. He must have been tortured. He would ask me every few days after that if I had thought anymore about what he said and all I could say was "I don't know, I don't want to change anything!" But I knew that because I cared enough about him to not dismiss how important he was in my life was why I didn't just say no outright.

We stayed friends for a while like we were, but he would still remind me how much he wanted something more but was patient with me. I started to think of how much our friendship meant to me and how much I cared about him as a person. Maybe 2 months after his coffee shop confession, I noticed myself thinking about him more and more. That way you do when you start having a crush... soon after I somehow stepped over the friend line for good, and have not gone back.

We don't really have an anniversary, since I have no idea when we started dating. I remember a few weeks of feeling awkward all of the sudden saying "I love you" since I said it so freely as a friend. But one day I just decided I could say it and I meant it. I'm not sure how much this will mean to you, but I just wanted to share. Me and my best friend have been more than friends for over a year, and we both feel that we love each other more and more still each day. and because we were friends first, there has always been a trust and commitment. I never am self-conscious around him. And since it's so easy to talk to him because of the trust, I feel very comfortable talking about our relationship if anything worries me, or if I can't understand what he's thinking. But I know that not knowing if I felt the same way was one of the hardest few months of his life haha. But I am SOOOO glad that he told me how he felt and was patient when I told him I didn't feel the same way. We were both very honest with each other that way. If he never told me how he felt, I would not have considered him in that light. Once he was honest about those feelings, I could tell every time he was with me and feel how much he really really cared about me, and I think that's what made me realize I was in love with him, too. :)

Your girl sounds like she is comfortable around you enough and would probably not freak out and never talk to you again if you told her how you felt. It may open her up to be more aware of your feelings around her, and she will become more aware of how much she cares about you. Hopefully she already knows she feels the same way and is waiting for you to say something, so you don't have to sit and wait like my boyfriend did. But there is hope anyway. I really did NOT feel the same way as he did when he told me his feelings. But if this girl really feels you are an important friend to her and would be jealous if you were to get closer to someone else in general, she sounds like me and if you plant the seed than it might just grow into something :)

[MyNameIsJack]

I think that friendship is a stronger feeling than love. If just one of two goog friends falls in love, probably already at that moment nothing will come back as before. Even in the case of a love relationship, if there is a break (which i not wish to anyone), the person, the friendship, everything will be lost at 99%.

This is the most difficult situation to stand, because in any case you cannot kill the feelings for the other person in a reasonable way...

[bmm]

It's a fine line with "friends". I am going through something very similar right now. All I can say is that it's hard to go back to "just friends" once you cross that line. So if you decide to cross it, since you're the one that has the feelings of wanting more, just understand the consequences of doing so.

Me and my best friend crossed that line, and now it's really up in the air whether we'll make it through this.

[**Sapphire**]

It's a fine line with "friends". I am going through something very similar right now. All I can say is that it's hard to go back to "just friends" once you cross that line. So if you decide to cross it, since you're the one that has the feelings of wanting more, just understand the consequences of doing so.

Me and my best friend crossed that line, and now it's really up in the air whether we'll make it through this.

If you would like to share your experience, please feel free to make a new thread & tell us about it, maybe we can help a bit too. :)