Throw in the towel or keep trying???

[nsxcorvette]

I'll try to make this as short as possible to spare any unecesary injuries from passing out in the middle of reading, but its gonna take a lil bit to explain....

I'm 24, my GF is 19. We've been together 7 months. The first 2 months we got along great, we had great intimacy (kissing, sex, etc), but since then its gradually gotten to where we can't go more than a week without arguing, mostly about little things I seem to do that frustrate her. None of its intentional and I don't think the problems are big enough to fight over, such as if I don't answer her right away when were driving and I see a ferrari and focus on it, etc. Other than those small things, I do everything great, I talk to her when she needs to talk, bring her flowers, I have a great job, drive to her office to take her to lunch, etc, etc, etc. She even always says how wonderful of a BF I am and how her friends tell her their BFs don't do half the stuff I do. One major concern thats come about is the great intimacy we once had is completely gone, with her not even trying to kiss me for more than a peck and pulling away if I try for more, and that's been going on about 3 months. I've even stopped trying because I'm tired of getting rejected by my own GFs. She says the reason she hasn't wanted to be intimate in so long is because shes usually frustrated with me over those little things, and that we never really have time alone (which I know is BS). She calls and texts me all the time, does nice things for me, always wants to be with me, talks all the time about wanting to move in together, but the arguing and loss of any intimacy has been more than I think my patience can handle.

I've never had any of those problems in past relationships, so my questions are... What does it mean when she always wants to be with me and talks about how wonderful of a BF I am, but gets frustrated over lots of small things and never wants intimacy anymore? I usually date girls in their mid-late twenties, so are most of these problems because shes younger? I don't give her money, but am I still being used or taken for a sucker somehow? Should I just throw in the towel and call this one quits, or is anything salvagable? Any other advice? Thanks for any help!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[aussiecoffee007]

well... on first glance, i think there is a larger issue at hand and she is picking fights with you because she is afraid to bring up that larger issue... and it sounds like she doesnt want intimacy because she is upset with you or something but trying to convince herself to get over it because you are 'such a great boyfriend' and such. you know what i mean?

[Penguin_Woman]

Well, first I want to welcome you to ATLF. Scond...I rad this over a couple times and I almost wonder if there's something wrong with her. ie: deppression, bipolar etc. Does she or anyone in her family have a history of this?

[lisa843]

Something does seem to be not right?? Maybe it is her age or maturity?? Maybe she is having second thoughts about the relationship?? Maybe she has had a trauma (****, etc.?) that she is afraid to tell you about? It could be lots of things. You really need to sit down and open up with her and talk with her and listen to her. Put everything all out for her...how you feel and what is going through your mind. I always say..COMMUNICATION is most important in a relationship...that and trust...if you don't have that....all the love in the world can not save a relationship..(IMO) Good luck with all that...hope things work out the way you want it. :)

[nsxcorvette]

Thanks for the welcome and the quick response from everyone. I know there may be some issues with depression, ****, or something along those lines because she has sometimes briefly mentioned something but never elaborated. A couple weeks ago I actually sat down with her and went over about an 8 page thing I had written on what the problems were with our relationship and told her how much the intimacy thing bothered me. After that I also said that without the problems being fixed soon a breakup was inevitable.. I don't really think she wants out because she does so much of the calling and wanting to talk, telling me how much she loves being with me etc, so I don't want to just easily give up, but 3 months or so is a long time to not have your girlfriend want any intimacy and I don't really want to be in a relationship without it. I'll revisit it in another couple weeks if its not fixed so I'll keep give an update. Thanks again and any further advice would be greatly appreciated.

[aussiecoffee007]

well, it will take work, but if shes worth it then i would try to work through whatever shes going through, it seems to me like a rough patch... liek something happened that shes mentally trying to process...

[lisa843]

yes...that was my first thought...that some kind of trauma had taken place with her. The only thing I know to tell you is ...if you really care for her...it will take lots patience and understanding....which btw..you seem to have shown much of that already. I hope she is talking with someone about it...getting help...sometimes it takes a professional to help?? I would suggest that to her..in a loving and caring way of course. Good luck and best wishes for you both. :)Thanks for the welcome and the quick response from everyone. I know there may be some issues with depression, ****, or something along those lines because she has sometimes briefly mentioned something but never elaborated. A couple weeks ago I actually sat down with her and went over about an 8 page thing I had written on what the problems were with our relationship and told her how much the intimacy thing bothered me. After that I also said that without the problems being fixed soon a breakup was inevitable.. I don't really think she wants out because she does so much of the calling and wanting to talk, telling me how much she loves being with me etc, so I don't want to just easily give up, but 3 months or so is a long time to not have your girlfriend want any intimacy and I don't really want to be in a relationship without it. I'll revisit it in another couple weeks if its not fixed so I'll keep give an update. Thanks again and any further advice would be greatly appreciated.

[tweety]

i agree with goldie, communication is the key. Looks like you both care to continue the relationship but something is going on with the girl. Not the time to quit or give up, she may need you the most now.Stay in touch. I also hope that she is talking to someone.

[aussiecoffee007]

let us know hwo things progress... if/when they do...

[nsxcorvette]

I'll definately keep everyone updated in the next week or two. thanks for all the advice.

[nsxcorvette]

Also, just to get a little more specific, how bad really is going 6 months without your girlfriend wanting to even kiss, when she wanted to be intimate all the time at first? I'm not being unreasonable am I? In past relationships I'd never go more than a week without my girlfriend wanting to be intimate in some way. Also, I've brought it up a time or two in the past and she gets irritated and asks why I'm so concerned about sex.. All I know to tell her is if sex is what I was in the relationship for I would have left a long time ago... How do I bring it up without sounding like thats the only thing I care about? And it really isn't about sex, but intimacy in general, which is something I'm not willing to give up to be in a relationship. I guess my main question is, how long would you all say you would go without intimacy before a red flag goes up?

[Penguin_Woman]

It is pretty bad. Try sitting down with her and tell her how much you care about her. Tell her that you are worried about her, about the changes you've seen in her personality. Tell her that your not after sex, but you do miss kissing her, hugging her...little things like that and ask if there's something wrong or something you can do. :)

[nsxcorvette]

ok a little more info that's expanded recently... Well, we both have myspace accounts and we leave each other comments here and there... I was leaving a comment a few weeks ago and this guy had been leaving comments to the effect of how beautiful she was and giving him butterflies and whatnot. I asked her about him and she said hes just some guy that started leaving comments and she would tell him to stop. So about 2 weeks ago I was leaving another comment and saw one from him saying he had a great time with her last night and he wants to hang out again sometime. So I asked her about that and she said yes, she did hang out with him, alone, but that she just needed someone to talk to about us and he was understanding about everything and just bein friends. Although it clearly sounded like BS and I'm not sure what her intentions were I do believe she didn't do it to cheat, I dunno maybe test the waters or something. So I just told her its disrespectful to hang out with new single guys alone and not tell me, especially if they've been bitting on her. She said fine. Well tonight while leaving another comment I saw more comments from him asking if she would pick him up, and another asking to come over to his place. She says he asked but he said no. I hate to get into my girlfriends friendships and business and Im not the controlling type, but is that something I should be concerned about or could it actually just be a regular friendship to her? Should I let it go? Press the issue more? As a side note, most of her friends are guys, as she says she doesn't get along that well with girls.

[aussiecoffee007]

whoa i think thats a bit out of line, she seems to just not know where shes at and probably just needs a friend right now... maybe shes just not in a good place for a relationship right now, for whatever cryptic reason shes going through...

[Penguin_Woman]

Yeah...I dunno. They may just be friends but still...seems strange to me. I agree that perhaps she's not ready for a relationship right now

[~Teej~]

Yeah...I dunno. They may just be friends but still...seems strange to me. I agree that perhaps she's not ready for a relationship right now

Yeah I have to agree with Tuxette here, I don't think that she is ready for commitment at the moment. To be honest 6 months without even a kiss or a cuddle I don't know how you have done it. That kind of intimacy is what a relationship is all about. Otherwise you might as well just be friends.