Need Advice PLEASE regarding recent breakup.

[poppdoctor]

Hi,
This is kind of weird because I have never used these types of forums before and I do not know others do either.
But I have recently broke up with my ex-girlfriend and I can't get her off my mind.
If you guys could please give me advice, I need other people's opinions and advice or I think I am going to go crazy.

This past weekend, I couldnt get my mind off of her at all. I thought of her every second and here I am at work... still thinking about her..
I just saw several youtube videos of "how to get back with your ex" and have done many of the things that they said not to do. For instance, I have already been in the "panic stage"--- text messaging often, questioning her actions and even accused her of sleeping with another guy.
Let me try to explain this as short as possible.

Prior to breaking up, we've had lot of arguments because we are in a long distance relationship (about 400miles apart). It was hard to recover from those fights because we only saw each other once or twice a month. However, everytime we had an argument, I admit that I was overly aggressive--- saying things like "w/e let's just break up" "I don't even feel I like you anymore".
Eventually, we both came to an agreement recently that we should break up but to remain as friends. At first, I was totally content with this decision, but for the past week it has been really bothering me and I think I may have gone a bit overboard. Ever since the breakup, she has been going out alot more (to the bars, out with guy friends, etc) , which she has never done in her life. She is very physically attractive girl (she used to model) but she has a very shy personality. Because of her physical appearance, I know that it would not be difficult for her to get any guy she wants, and since she has been hanging out with different guy friends lately, I have been REALLY insecure. A few days ago, I called her and she was being very sketchy about hanging out with a guy. She said she would call me back in an hour, but I called her back immediately and accused her of sleeping with this random guy. Also, I'm not sure if she is lying to me or not, but alot of her statements don't seem to add up (giving me an instinctive feeling that she is lying or hiding things from me)
I know that I should not care about what she does,etc since we aren't together anymore, but I can't help it. I discovered that I truly love her and I regret the mistakes I made during our relationship. I miss her so much that I can't even concentrate lately at work.
I have NEVER EVER felt this way about any other girl in my life. Please help me and provide me with tips on how to cope with this situation and methods on getting her back.
I am wondering if it is too late? Did I permanently screw up my chances?
Please let me know. Any advice and opinions will definitely help.

For the time being I am going to pick up my old hobbies of art (painting and drawing), music (playing guitar and drums) and focusing on sports again.
I really want her back and want to know the best way to do it without going overboard or being annoying.
Once again, thank you guys so much. It would really help me if you contributed to my situation.
THANKS AGAIN!!!

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome to ATLF!

Firstly, no need to post more than 1 thread about the same problem. When our members get online here they can decide to read your thread & post to it if they feel they have something to help you with.

Secondly, yes you 2 are broken up & as such you shouldn't be trying to treat her like you are still in your relationship with the accusations etc.. It might be best for you to cut off contact for awhile so that you can have a chance to heal from the relationship/break-up.

If she is going out then chances are she very well may not want to try again with you. If she really did, she would have talked to you by now about it.

[poppdoctor]

I forgot to mention that she is also my best friend for almost 4 years now...
so it hurts even more

[poppdoctor]

Bump

Please your advice would definitely help.

[stoner]

Prior to breaking up, we've had lot of arguments because we are in a long distance relationship (about 400miles apart). It was hard to recover from those fights because we only saw each other once or twice a month. However, everytime we had an argument, I admit that I was overly aggressive--- saying things like "w/e let's just break up" "I don't even feel I like you anymore".

It's best for you to move on. Sorry if I can be more of any help, but from my experience, long distance has/had been both my enemy and and ally.

Prior to meeting my partner in the here and now, nearly every single one of my past relationships was destroyed by long distance - and that included an ex-fiance whom I thought I loved with all my heart.

Disagreements and fights were the common obstacles that I contended with. Most of my break-ups were not the result of one huge brouhaha, but rather a series of small misunderstandings, that built up little at a a time until it got so huge that it became uncontrollable. When all the negative emotions were unleashed, well, the rest was history from there.


For the time being I am going to pick up my old hobbies of art (painting and drawing), music (playing guitar and drums) and focusing on sports again.
I really want her back and want to know the best way to do it without going overboard or being annoying.
Once again, thank you guys so much. It would really help me if you contributed to my situation.

Seems to me, you're already taking the first steps toward moving on with your life. Most peeps do not get over break-ups that easily ... it often takes weeks, months and even years. My ex-fiance took me over three years before I managed to finally say goodbye to her, but I just persevered and stubbornly stuck to my principles not to have anything to do with her.

Long distance also became my ally, since her physical absence felt more of a relief that neither of us would be lurking at each others' business. Not seeing her around actually made it easier for me to get preoccupied with hobbies and other activities that I once enjoyed doing. In the process, I also made new friends.

All I can tell you is fuhgeddaboudit ... getting over someone will not take overnight and then feel refreshed the very next morning. Just allow time to be by your side ... eventually it heals all wounds. Even if she was your best friend for over four years - it really doesn't matter ... when it's over, it really is over ... a break up is a break up for a reason.

Sorry that there's nothing I can tell you about trying to win her love back. Good luck. :cool:

[poppdoctor]

It's best for you to move on. Sorry if I can be more of any help, but from my experience, long distance has/had been both my enemy and and ally.

Prior to meeting my partner in the here and now, nearly every single one of my past relationships was destroyed by long distance - and that included an ex-fiance whom I thought I loved with all my heart.

Disagreements and fights were the common obstacles that I contended with. Most of my break-ups were not the result of one huge brouhaha, but rather a series of small misunderstandings, that built up little at a a time until it got so huge that it became uncontrollable. When all the negative emotions were unleashed, well, the rest was history from there.




Seems to me, you're already taking the first steps toward moving on with your life. Most peeps do not get over break-ups that easily ... it often takes weeks, months and even years. My ex-fiance took me over three years before I managed to finally say goodbye to her, but I just persevered and stubbornly stuck to my principles not to have anything to do with her.

Long distance also became my ally, since her physical absence felt more of a relief that neither of us would be lurking at each others' business. Not seeing her around actually made it easier for me to get preoccupied with hobbies and other activities that I once enjoyed doing. In the process, I also made new friends.

All I can tell you is fuhgeddaboudit ... getting over someone will not take overnight and then feel refreshed the very next morning. Just allow time to be by your side ... eventually it heals all wounds. Even if she was your best friend for over four years - it really doesn't matter ... when it's over, it really is over ... a break up is a break up for a reason.

Sorry that there's nothing I can tell you about trying to win her love back. Good luck. :cool:

Stoner, thanks for your honest output man. It really helped.
You're right, I can't really think of any time we really got into a BIG fight when we were WITH each other. It was the long distance that true killed this chapter of my relationship with her.
Like you said, it is extremely hard to let her go at this point, considering we were best friends for ~4 years and have talked on the phone almost EVERY NIGHT during that time.
I guess I truly miss her more beyond just a girlfriend and I think she feels the same way as well.

So I did get to talk to her today and I apologized to her for accusing her of sleeping with another guy.
However, there is one thing that she said today that caught my mind's attention for the past few hours....
We were talking about how we would still remain best/good friends and continue to support each other. But then she said something like "I'm not gonna completely cut you out of my life.."
I'm still trying to interpret exactly what she meant by that.
I am thinking it could mean
1) I'm not gonna COMPLETELY cut you out of my life, but I will cut you somewhat out of my life
2) I'm not gonna cut you out of my life
3) Everything says the same

My conclusions are leaving me with option 1.... but I could be overthinking it? What do you guys think?
And thanks again for following up with my situation. =)

[stoner]

However, there is one thing that she said today that caught my mind's attention for the past few hours....
We were talking about how we would still remain best/good friends and continue to support each other. But then she said something like "I'm not gonna completely cut you out of my life.."
I'm still trying to interpret exactly what she meant by that.
I am thinking it could mean
1) I'm not gonna COMPLETELY cut you out of my life, but I will cut you somewhat out of my life
2) I'm not gonna cut you out of my life
3) Everything says the same

My conclusions are leaving me with option 1.... but I could be overthinking it? What do you guys think?


*IF* you want to continue to be overwhelmed with the roller-coaster of emotions that's either wrangling or making you feel dejected inside - by all means - keep up with the above-mentioned.

Pardon my language, but you surely got some balls during incidents of:

"we've had lot of arguments because we are in a long distance relationship (about 400miles apart). It was hard to recover from those fights because we only saw each other once or twice a month. However, everytime we had an argument, I admit that I was overly aggressive--- saying things like "w/e let's just break up" "I don't even feel I like you anymore".

Now that the inevitable break-up has turned into a reality, take it like a man for what it is - a break up.

Your best route is to let this go: a) completely cut her off from your life for the time being; and b) keep long distance and time on your side as you go about moving on with your life.

Somewhere down the road, when all the wounds have finally healed and gotten over her completely, only then you can consider rekindling the friendship you once shared. Then again, it's still up to you to make the decision ...

... you can either make this thread end after your reply to this post, or it can ramble on indefinitely ... it's your choice though. Good luck.

[poppdoctor]

*IF* you want to continue to be overwhelmed with the roller-coaster of emotions that's either wrangling or making you feel dejected inside - by all means - keep up with the above-mentioned.

Pardon my language, but you surely got some balls during incidents of:

"we've had lot of arguments because we are in a long distance relationship (about 400miles apart). It was hard to recover from those fights because we only saw each other once or twice a month. However, everytime we had an argument, I admit that I was overly aggressive--- saying things like "w/e let's just break up" "I don't even feel I like you anymore".

Now that the inevitable break-up has turned into a reality, take it like a man for what it is - a break up.

Your best route is to let this go: a) completely cut her off from your life for the time being; and b) keep long distance and time on your side as you go about moving on with your life.

Somewhere down the road, when all the wounds have finally healed and gotten over her completely, only then you can consider rekindling the friendship you once shared. Then again, it's still up to you to make the decision ...

... you can either make this thread end after your reply to this post, or it can ramble on indefinitely ... it's your choice though. Good luck.

My english isn't advanced enough for me to understand your first 2 paragraphs.

However I think I understand what you are saying. I am planning on moving on (easier said than done) and I am planning on cutting all connections from her. Unless she contacts me first, I believe that I don't really have a reason to call her or message her. And another thing that is probably a minor problem is that, I have over $5000 worth of stuff in her apartment....

[**Sapphire**]

I think you are doing the best thing for yourself right now in cutting off contact with her. You still have feelings for her & as such if you try to be friends with her NOW, it's only going to hurt you.

As for the stuff you have in her apartment, talk to her about it. See if there is a time when you 2 can get together so that you can make a 1 time "move out" of all your stuff. Then after that, no more contact.

[utterlyconfused]

Since you two are still on speaking terms, it should be fine for you to call her and ask for your things back. Since the break up is official and she herself has said that she wants to "cut you out of [her] life," there should be no reason for her to be upset by this and it won't be a problem. (This is actually probably a sign that she's ok with the break up too.)

In addition, this will hopefully give you more closure and help you move on. You'll be less attached to her, because it will allow YOU to cut HER out of your life.

I honestly think you miss her as much as you do, simply because you are used to having someone to talk to, and miss that connection. Remember that you initially wanted the break up as much as she does now. When arguments lead to "whatever let's just break up" and "I don't even feel like I like you anymore" things are really going downhill and the relationship becomes more hurtful than nurturing.

If you want a further example, one of my closest friends was similarly going out with a girl long distance for 2 years but couldn't stand her. They were really close in the beginning, but the distance caused a strain in the relationship and affected their trust in each other. One of the reasons he held on for so long though, was because he liked having someone there at the end of the day. It's taken him months to get over her, but he's so much happier now! He doesn't have to deal with the stress of those arguments anymore, and is able to search for someone new.

Get your things back and take a break from her. You'll be better off in the future.

[poppdoctor]

Since you two are still on speaking terms, it should be fine for you to call her and ask for your things back. Since the break up is official and she herself has said that she wants to "cut you out of [her] life," there should be no reason for her to be upset by this and it won't be a problem. (This is actually probably a sign that she's ok with the break up too.)

In addition, this will hopefully give you more closure and help you move on. You'll be less attached to her, because it will allow YOU to cut HER out of your life.

I honestly think you miss her as much as you do, simply because you are used to having someone to talk to, and miss that connection. Remember that you initially wanted the break up as much as she does now. When arguments lead to "whatever let's just break up" and "I don't even feel like I like you anymore" things are really going downhill and the relationship becomes more hurtful than nurturing.

If you want a further example, one of my closest friends was similarly going out with a girl long distance for 2 years but couldn't stand her. They were really close in the beginning, but the distance caused a strain in the relationship and affected their trust in each other. One of the reasons he held on for so long though, was because he liked having someone there at the end of the day. It's taken him months to get over her, but he's so much happier now! He doesn't have to deal with the stress of those arguments anymore, and is able to search for someone new.

Get your things back and take a break from her. You'll be better off in the future.

Thank you