love for friends girlfriend..

[trickstar20]

:confused:
About a year ago my friend t.j. introduced me into his girlfriend. since then the three of us have hung out alot. About a 2 months ago they got a room together. My friend t.j. had gotten a job and was working night shift. Me and his girlfriend would hangout all the time and still do because she doesnt have very many friends and t.j. can trust me with her. Since they have moved into a room with each other things have changed for them though. Just like all her peers and family told her things would get harder and worse, and it has, they argue almost twice a day and she crys like over 4 times a week. He wasnt raised how to treat a woman right and treats her like she his bi*ch. I cant even tell him to quit treating his girlfriend the way he does because he is very jealous about certain things and inevitably i could see me and him not talking because of a small issue such as me intervening in their relationship. It makes me very angry to see him treat her like that and on top of that he smokes weed all day and spends at least 10 $ a day on it which they can hardly afford with their income and now he just lost his job about 1 week ago and is barely looking for another..anyways while he was working at his old job me and her would have good times and got close a couple times (not kissing but close) i know she has feelings for me, she'll throw in little comments here in there (usually sexual) but sometimes she'll say "you knkow i love you" in a kind of sarcastic way because she doesnt want me to get the wrong idea. i know we have a real good connection but she cant pursue it.. i have feelings for her too but i cant pursure them and i cant show them around him either because he as i said is very jealous even if i commented on her beauty. What hurts me the most is knowing how much better i would treat her is she were mine. and that she knows that she even admits i would treat a woman much better than he has or ever would. see the problem is i knew him before her.. in fact for years iv known him but we've had our problems too its not like hes a really good friend and a bad boyfriend to his girl hes actually kind of immature about his responsibilities and values.. but it kills me knowing what happens in their room at night even the same days he makes her cry.. they make up because she feels so sad and wants someone to comfort her and i cant in front of him so she eventually just reaches for him... or if he wants attention he says something fake to make her laugh and smile then everything goes back to normal.. next day he does or says something and shes upset or crying again.. back and forth..

one time me and her got pretty close.. in details i was scratching her back and massaging her back when she layed over me and basically got in my face (she was half naked) and she told me not to fall for her because she would hurt me.. then she got up and kind of did like a stressful exhale.. i know she wanted more she wanted to connect and be closer because she was telling me how much her boyfriend neglects her and that is why she does what she does.. i guess in a nutshell we both really like each other, he treats her like crap ,but she is so complacent with him she cant leave... and i am just hurt because sometimes we're close but when t.j. upsets her she doesnt know how to vent or deal with her emotions and takes them out on me and it changes our relationship.. at this current time i am pretty much just like a friend to her and we are not that close anymore especially since he lost his job and is with her allll the time so me and her can never hang out 1on1 until he finds another job which hopefully is soon because i hooked him up with a job at walmart...just waiting for the start ..

it just sucks because i know it doesnt bother her because she has a companion in her life which is him and they sleep in the same bed and she gets attention (well just enough) and so when we kind of changed our relationship with each other it didnt even phase her but it hurt me inside because she was the only girl showing me love at the moment and im still single and havent found a significant one...

our relationship changed all because of something very stupid:

t.j made some stupid joke/ remark about scratches on one of their roomates(a guy) and he said " o you like to scratch i wonder how he got that" and obviously it wasnt from her (it was actually from a pet rabbit another roomated had) and he acted like he was suspicious and so she got all sketched out and insecure about their relationship and was so scared of him like breaking up or something i dont know she confuses me... now she says she cant even be close or say certain things to me ever not even alone... it doesnt bother her as much as it bothers me.. she has love but im still looking for love..

im not sure how to feel, or how i feel, what to do, what is my position in this relationship..

so far im just like the good friend who does favors for them and hangs out with them alot..i feel like i mean nothing to her and that im just being used for a ride because i drive and they dont...
sometimes t.j. would get jealous about how me and her were together alot or every once in a while finding a comment or compliment on a text message to her and he'll be like "see this is a 3 way relationship!.."

i know this was long but i had to post it and get it off my head and hopefully get some insight..

??

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome to ATLF, glad that you joined us here. :)

If she's not happy in her relationship & this guy treats her so badly, then she needs to make a decision on to leave him or not.

She shouldn't be using your kindness & feelings for her when he's not around etc..

I think the best thing for you though is to distance yourself from them both. The only 1 hurting here is you, like you said, she has love, but you are still looking for love. It's not right to get close to this girl, knowing she's your friends girlfriend & you can't be with her. She shouldn't want to get as close as she has to you either if shey had any respect for herself, your friendship & her relationship as well.

[trickstar20]

yah i know iv thought that over 100 times..

its just the three of us have got so close in our relationship

im also kind of co-dependent and i really am into helping people

so today it was unbelievable.. on sunday i went to church. now i love going to church but i havent found one thats right for me and im christian btw. she was the one who brought me to this church about a month ago. i had met her parents and 3 brothers about a week before that.. so i go with her my first time and her parents i guess really like me.. i wasnt even trying to appeal all good to them because i knew this would happen.. so anyway we went another time together after that the following sunday.. then we both missed a sunday..( oh and by the way her boyfriend wont go because hes afraid of her parents because they really dislike him because of the way he treats her and his bad habits ,etc.) so yesterday was the next sunday (yesterday) and so they both slept over at my house but she didnt really sleep much so when time came to go to church in the morning she said she was too tired and also had work at 12 and wanted to sleep a little.. so i ended up going to "her" church by myself while them 2 stayed at my house and slept..
so anyways i end up going by myself (which i thought she knew i was going) and had a very good spiritual time worshipping,praying(for them too!!) ,etc. and afterwards talked to her family about how things were with them and how i was doing . just an innocent friendly conversation didnt say not a peep about her and her boyfriend except when they asked where were they i just said she told me she didnt get much sleep last night.. so anyways. i get back and pick her up from my house to take her home so she can get ready for work and she asked where i was
i was like "church , i thought you knew" and she FLIPPED!
according to her im for 1. trying to suck up to her parents and for 2. making her parents "hate" her.

she thinks im trying to play her boyfriend role and trying to get her parents to like me so much and tryin to suck up to them....
and she thinks they are going to hate her because they are going to think she was up having sex with her horrible boyfriend all night..

she was so mad she said she was never going to go to church with me again and she was even considering not talking to me anymore
!
i was like wwwwoooooww!

and i guess she told her brother or somethin that she was upset that i did that and he texted her saying how selfish she was and how how could she ever stop me from coming to christ and told her i was going through some tough times and needed help!

and all i had told them at church was that my brother was in afghanistan(military) and my dad is in mexico visiting some family (actually got deported) and that my mom was moving there too and i was just helping her move lately.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO!! if i stop going to the church her parents and brothers are going to make her even more mad by saying stuff to her!!
shes all mad at me right now and i told her im sorry...

im considering like you said.. seperate myself from them and actually doing whats best for me and hopefully finding a girlfriend or something..

sorry for the friggin essay i just have lots to say..:dontknow:

[trickstar20]

oh and by the way when we were on good terms today earlier (before her brother texted her) we went on a walk when her and her bf were arguing and basically she said for me to be on her side in arguments and to stick up for her when shes being hurt even if it means basically risk me and my buddys relationship.. she also told me how her mind and body is "stuck" with him and she cant get away (but i know she can)

i told her then they seriously have to work on the relationship and ill try my best to help
i said ill have a serious talk with her bf but cant promise any changes..

[**Sapphire**]

They do need to work on the relationship or get out of it. She can get away from him if she really wants to. Maybe she likes the drama of it all, who knows.

I still think it's best for you to separate yourself from hanging with them so much. Find yourself some other friends & hopefully a girlfriend, not 1 that has someone & has so much "baggage" as well.

[trickstar20]

:idea:Yah c couple friends told me to just stay neutrall and tell her to stick up for herself and work out her problems on her own.. they said i should just give them advice when i can and only intervene if it crosses a certain line in emotional abuse.. they said to have a sit down with them and tell them together which i usually never do

well see how it works i know she wont like it and she'll be upset im not choosing her side but my goal is to stay friends with both of them and i cant if im choosing sides.

[**Sapphire**]

You can do that, but only if you know for sure that BOTH of them will be OK with you talking to them about the things that are going on in their relationship.

If 1 of the other won't like it, then I would suggest against it. All it's going to cause is a rift with your friendship.

[trickstar20]

So today i was gonna go to a party with some friends but i fell asleep waiting for the last 2 hours to pass for them to get off work and i ended up not going. so i texted t.j. saying wut are you doing and he said him and his girl (nichole) were watching a movie at his house. then i said if they wanted to hang out and he said yah come over. so i go over and were all 3 sitting on a couch in the living room watching lion king and tyler falls asleep. the longer he stays asleep i notice the closer we get to each other (because shes sitting in between us) starts with her leg touching mine, to arms touching, and wierdly she rubbed her foot on my foot like 4 times in a row (even though i had a shoe on lol) obviously we couldnt get too close because if he woke up we had to look normal..
i just dont understand...
its aggrovating yet i like it. the fact that she wants to be close to me but only when hes not paying attention to her..
i could tell she loves attention and that shes attracted to me
but i hate that its only when she wants to be close.
i basically just wait..
grr why do i like her and why doesnt she like me how i want her to.
i feel like im so bad but then again all his other friends tried to kiss her and stuff so she had to call it off with them she told me.. at least i never make the first move..
its not easy holding back love

[**Sapphire**]

I'm thinking she is flirting with the idea of cheating on her boyfriend maybe with you.

Which would not be right at all. The guy goes to sleep & she's going to cuddle up with you a bit while he's asleep in the same room? That is bold & would not do well with you if he found out.

[trickstar20]

could be..
but i believe it is a result of their relationship.. the neglection and stuff.. i dont think she would ever cheat on him but i think she loves attention and would be close with me... its wrong but at the same time i understand..its not easy for me to back off either