Lost and need help

[elipses]

I am a 21 year old currently at uni. I recently started seeing someone. When we first met everything was great, it went at a good pace. We were in the zone and it was great. He said that he did not want to be in a relationship yet we have been doing everything couples usually do. He likes me alot and so do I. I am willing to give him the time he needs to know me better and be in a relationship. But last week, after 2 1/2 months, i told him that i didnt want him to see anyone else, and be exclusive. He said ok, but a few days later he told me he wanted to remain friends. He was scared that it was moving too fast. He says he wants to be single and that his past relationships have ended badly because he went too fast. He is also having problems of getting a new job and a new place, and his mum is ill and he is not sure if he will need to leave and go back to care for his mum. I know he is going through alot, but arent i supposed to be helping him get through it? Why is he treating me like a liability? Thing is, now i cant go back to being friends and not harbour any feelings for him. What do i do? Should i be friends? Or shld i tell him that we shld go back to the dating phase when we first started going out? i know he still has feelings for me and he doesnt want to see anyone else and he tells me that, but yet he does not want me to wait for him cos he doesnt know when he will be ready to be in a full on relationship. He says that he just needs to be single to figure things out. But i am scared that with time, especially with me giving him space, we will drift apart and not recapture what we had and be together again. What should i do?? Please i need advice...Thank you

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome to ATLF, glad that you joined us here & decided to post. :)

Do you think that taking your relationship back a step to dating will be good for you?

OR

If you take it back a few more steps to being friends...could you do that?

It seems to me that he's very scared to go whole hog in to a relationship based on past experiences. Which in a way is a bad thing because you really shouldn't take past "baggage" in to any new relationship. We all do it to some extent though sadly.

Have you tried talking to him, letting him know you're not like the other relationships he had in the past?

[elipses]

We have talked about it. Prior to him telling me that he wanted to be friends, we had a rough time cos he was really jealous and i laid too many expectations on him. He seems rather sure that he wants to be single for now even if it means that i wont be seeing or talking to him anymore even as friends. To him, he wants to be friends but he said he understands if need to break it off completely. Since then we have been chatting and he seems to want to chat with me everyday. He doesnt go out and have fun. He doesnt flirt with others as far as i know. He even tells me that he doesnt want to date anyone else.

I wouldn't mind going back to the dating phase and stifle all expectations i have. But i know that those expectations will rear its ugly head soon enough. If he chats with other guys, i am going to be very jealous. I don't want to put myself through all that but, I am hoping that if i stick on with him he will realise that i am here for him and that by then he will b ready for a relationship. The hope and the expectation will be there for sure even if we are purely friends. Should i only date him if i know that i will lose all expectations and can accept the worse if it happens? Do you think i should move on (even though i am not sure if i can)

Thank you :(

[**Sapphire**]

Well honestly I can't tell you if moving on, being friends or going back to dating will be the best thing for you.

What do you think you can handle out of those ideas?

If I was in your situation, I would probably have to let it all go as I would no matter what have expectations. Anytime he would say something different, maybe look at me differently etc., I would try to overanalyze it by thinking, "maybe today is the day he will want a relationship". I think in the long run I would be hurting all the time.

[PhoenixSoul]

Just be patient,show him what support u can from the possition he wants,eventually u will either know he doesn't like u that much so u can be in a relationship or he will come around and ask u to be in one.

[elipses]

Thank you guys. We just met today and he was crying and hugging me so much saying that he misses me alot. But he knows that he is not sure where is life is going (job and career wise) and wants to cap it b4 it gets too deep in case he has to move outta the city, then it wouldnt be bad for both of us. And he just wants to be single. I am more prepared to let him go. I need to focus on my life as well. I have to sort out aspects of my life, like my self esteem, my health, my studies and all. I want to let go of him and let him be happy. If he happens to come in future, then thats good, but i am not gonna have hopes on that. Thank you for the advice! Appreciate it! helped me through a hard time :)

[**Sapphire**]

Good for you that you 2 talked & you came to the decision you did, it sounds like it's the best decision for YOU.

Take care & don't be a stranger, let us know how you are doing from time to time, we do love updates.