It hurts. I feel so foolish. Advice please.

[foolishguy]

Well. Fair warning, I hope you guys/gals have a drink or something to snack on while reading. I'm going to let it all out, because I can't jsut hold it in any longer in fear that I will crash.

So I have been with this girl for about a year and a half. In the beginning, it was great..we had our share of fights, but after about half a year into the relationship..things got bad. Throughout the relationship, she would always tell me she didn't want to talk to her ex anymore, and that he was a loser, and that she wanted nothing to do with him. But after half a year, I found out she was messaging him, and talking to him. I asked her why she was doing that? She said she just wanted to see how he was. Ok sure, I let it go..but then I found out they would talk A LOT. and she would think of any excuse to talk to this guy. Alright...well I kept my guard up a bit about it. She apologized and told me she was sorry, and that she didn't want to talk to him again, "he's a loser."

About 2 months later, she comes back into town, she went to school about 2 hours away. Anyway, she comes back into town for the weekend, and I find out she called him so he could meet her up. Her bike broke down and she "didn't know who to call." FIRST FLAG, I know a lot of her guy friends know about bikes too..that live close to her. I just told her that I felt that she just wanted to basically have a relationship with again, and if she did..then let me know..so I didn't have to accuse her of anything. She said ok she was sorry. That monday comes around..she didn't call me when she got back to school, I call her up and she basically tells me she is back together with her ex, and that she didn't want anything to do with me. I was heart broken. Didn't eat for days, couldn't think, asked her why why why. She just said she was not happy. (Note that it was 1 week till spring break.)

So spring break comes around, I'm depressed, comepletely boggled, and heart broken..the whole works..don't want to wake up..hard to breathe, etc. While she is in town for spring break, having a blast with her ex. well, her BF again. Spring break is over, she goes back to school, a few weeks go by and I get an email from her apologizing, saying she was sorry for wrhat she did, and if she could come back into my life. I let her back in. She breaks up with him and gets back with me. Things are well for a while..then summer comes around..and she pulls the same stunt again. Once again, I'm heart broken..didn't know why she could just up and leave so easily..and then come back like that. Yeah, you probably guessed it by now, she comes back to me that summer crying, begging me to take her back, telling me she will change, and to just give us another chance.

I gave in, and told her "show me you won't hurt me anymore, show me. I love you, and I just want you to prove to me that you won't do this anymore, leaving me like this, it's not right, I stay up late nights not able to sleep, thinking about killing myself because the pain hurts so much." She says she is sorry, that she loves me, and only me. Keep in mind I am leaving out details like how she changed her number and called her ex, and never gave it to me till she ran back to me. She did things like that all the time.

Ok so, winter swings around, and she meets this guy at school that she finds "interesting." He's in some of her classes and she is always saying how "smart" he is. Hey, just another guy friend..that's cool right? Wrong. I felt it from the beginning that she will start talkign to this guy and liking him or something of that nature. After awhile I find out she calls him everyday, they talk on the phone, and all of that non sense. Me and her get into an argument, and we don't talk for about 2 weeks. During those two weeks, I find out they are "talking." She comes back to town for winter break and cries, saying that she just "find it cool to have someone interesting to talk to, and that it meant nothing. You can go ahead and ask him if I ever made him think I liked him. Go ask him. Go." At first I just told her no, I am not going to ask him. But then I ended up getting his screen name and I asked him if he thought that she had feelings for him, and he said yes..and she always made him feel t hat she was interested. So i go back to her and tell her this, she cries and cries, and says sorry shes so sorry sorry. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Now let's get to the good part. After winter, for the past couple months till now..she has been begging for me back..telling me everyday that I had to believe her that she has finally changed. She knows that she messed up and that she will not mess up anymore. She does this for quite awhile, I'm still here for her and i still talk to her, and I always listened to what she had to say. I told her "look, I love you..i want to be with you and believe you..but it's hard. When times get rough, you are going to up and leave me again, and I am scared. But I will see the good in you and just let things flow.But I do want you to know, that I have a VERY strong feeling, like I did before about things that happened..that the only reason why you are still here begging for me and wantin gto be with me, is because you don't have anyone else to run to at the moment. The first guy you meet that will show you he likes you, you are going to leave me." Of course she says "No you are totally wrong, I love you and only you. I'll show you that you don't know me..and that I have changed."

[foolishguy]

Last thursday rolls around, we are spending time together maybe once or twice a week previous to thursday, and everything was ok I guess. But then we started to argue about how she never ever made time for me, and she told me she realizes that, and she was sorry. Mind you, I always dropped everything for this girl, when she wanted to see randomly, I would drive out of town just to see her, when she wantede anything, I was there. But she never did the same. So anyways, thursday comes around, I'm at work and my cellphone is at home. I get home around 10pm, I have literally 30 missed calls from her, and one voicemail. I listen to the voicemail, and it has a sappy song playing in the background while she is telling me she loves me and that she won't stop till she makes me realize that she has changed. Ok, got it. I understand. I'm starting to actually believe her. Then, 3 hours later that night, I find out she just met some random guy at the club, 6 years older than her...she is 21 he is 27. They hook up, and do whatever, and now they are bf and gf.

Heh, after that long long story..I need anyones advice. How can someone go from "I love you foolishguy" to hey i'm with a new guy I just met and now we are boyfriend and girlfriend. I'll admit..it does not hurt as much as it did the first couple times, but it still hurts. It hurts and angers me that I called it right on like I always do about what she will do in the future, and I told myself she would leave me again, but I didn't do anything about it. Now I am here, hurt, killing myself over the thoughts like "What are they doing? Are they having sex right now? Are they holding hands? Why would she do this?" And to add to it, she blocked ME from her cellphone, she blocked ME on messanger, and it just doesn't make sense. Why block ME if you are the one doing ME wrong? So many questions..so confused.

How can I get over this, I need to move on, she is no good for me. I know this..but I just can't get these crazy thoughts out of my head, and I just cant see how someone can change so quick..3 hours for that matter. I'm devistated again..I'm at a lost of words. Please help. I don't want to go into the nasty depression I did the first time she did it. I have so much more to say, but it doesn't come to mind at this moment. I hate this feeling, I really do. I'm 21..so mature for my age..and yet I'm stuck in this cycle that drains me.

[Tuxie]

Welcome to ATLF foolishguy... I hope you get sound advice here.

Your last sentence says it all... you're "stuck in a cycle". The sooner you stop this cycle, the better off you'll be. I hate to say this (but maybe you already know it), she's just using you. You are nothing more than a "safety net" to her. You both need to move on.

Now, how do you do this? You need to truly REALIZE that she's doing nothing more than using you. Once you convince yourself of this, moving on won't be that hard.

I hope you can begin to move on, so you can start healing.

[mashmac]

Hello there - It is a long post indeed! :) but we all begin with those....
I think she is really not mature enough for a serious relationship. She does care about you but at the same time she wants to play the field and she is unable to commit. And that is not what you want. The way she has been treating you shows a complete luck of respect. Get out of there. She clearly has no principles.

There is something wrong with her - as if she needs men to fancy her and comes back to you for the safety. I hope you can manage to extrapolate yourself from this scenario. I know it's really hard because you care about her
but really she doesn't care about you the same way or she wouldn't be hurting you over and over again.

It will take time and you are very fragile but unless you are able to detach from it - you will suffer. I hope you can manage, I hope you have someone to talk to. Come back whenever you want and knock yourself out posting! A broken heart takes a long time to heal - but it will, I promise you.

[Penguin_Woman]

Wlcome to ATLF, foolishguy. I agree...you are stuck i an endless cycle and you need to break it. She's gone for now, she may come back. But you can't let her. At this moment I don't even think it's a good idea to be friends with her. Because shes not even a good friend to you. You have to tell yourself she's gone...forever and just try to move on. On the one hand you don't want to let her make you bitter. On the other you want to be more careful so as not to fall into this again. Maybe enact a "one strike" rule. They break up with you...they are gone and that's it. Good luck. I hope you can start healing.

[foolishguy]

Thank you for your responses. I don't talk to her anymore, I have not talked to her for a week and 1 day. This is because she blocked me, and because I don't want to talk to her. She is definitely NO good for me.

I have another problem, I know some of her passwords..and I hate that every time I'm not out and out about some friends and I am at home on the computer, I check what she is up to and who she talks to. I really hate this..I don't want to do it..I have not done it as much as I used to the first couple days, now it is maybe once or twice every 3 days. It's not that I really want to know what she is up to, I don't even know what it is. I just want it to stop. I don't want ANYTHING to do with her, at all. This may seem harsh to say but I wish the worst for her..in everything she does. She put me through way too much..and just steps on me whenever possible.

[Tuxie]

You do it because you don't trust her (with good reason... the not trusting part). *sigh* Anyways.... if you're truly that obsessed with her, you're not over her. You need to move on dude. As for wishing 'the worst' for her... I have a saying, "what comes around, goes around". Meaning simply, if someone treats you badly... they will get theirs eventually.

I sympathize with you, I really do. I used to have the same problem (with the passwords). I finally figured that I needed to start trusting again.... or forget it and move on.

I hope you can eventually find the peace you seek. :)

[~Teej~]

You could be truly evil and change the passwords...:D

I am glad you are trying to cut her out of your life..It sounds like you are doing the right thing.

I agree with Tuxie, what goes around comes around.

It's time for you to get on with your life now without her and for you to be happy.

Good luck, we are all hear if you need us

[Penguin_Woman]

Yeah, I agree with Tuxie. Just forget her passwords and try and forget her. She's not worth your time thinking about her.

[mashmac]

you will find peace but it will take time. unfortunately until then you will be hurting and hating and feel a whole range of emotions that will drive you nuts.
hold in there. easier said than done but just know that you are not alone in this one. life can't spare you from pain but one day soon you'll be laughing again and won't need to spy one her because you just won't care anymore.

give it time. it will get better.

[TreeofSephri]

You know what insanity is? It is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. No offense but you should be kicked in the nuts. I know you love that girl trust me friend I have been there but you also have to love yourself too. Why do you keep taking back a girl who throws away your love so easily? How could you love a girl like that? It pisses me off just thinking about it. You need to leave that girl alone and find someone who will appreciate you. That girl is a waste of time.