True reconciliation?

[nebulachic]

I hope it's OK to post this new post here. I am having trouble trying to figure out if my b/f's really interested in reconciling for his affair last year. We never broke up more than 1 week since it happened, but things have been really rough at times.

I found out about the affiar via emails on his phone at 3:00Am while he was in the ER after a minor motorcycle accident. I had had a hunch for quite some time something wasn't right and took the opportunity in the waiting room to look thru his emails.

He came back from Xray and I asked "Why didn't you tell me you met someone at that weekend away?" I said her name wrong and he corrected me very calmly. I think the Dr came in about that time and we didn't talk more until the ride home (it's all kind of a blurr).

On the ride home he expressed a lot of anger including throwing a small rock in my car at the dash board because I had snooped in his email and said said "******* email! Just one more reason I hate it!" The next morning he said "I want to try to fix this but I will understand if you can't trust me ever again and I'll just have to live with that."

I am still experiencing a lot of pain and intrusive thoughts and moodiness and anger about it. He is threatening me that we will have to break up if I don't get over it soon. I remind him how I've stayed by him 1.5 years now through the stuff with his soon-to-be ex-wife (including her busting into his apartment on us and getting herself arrested one night).. his best friend accussing him of having an affair with his g/f (and I'm still not sure if it was an affair or not)... to now this confirmed affair . It's been 5 months since we've have been dealing with the affair.

[mashmac]

Look - you clearly still love him. But at the moment you are torturing yourself and him. So you either stay or you go. If it's taking you so long to get over it perhaps it means you aren't able to do so. In which case....

What exactly do you want him to do now? Is there anything he can do to make you feel better and move on? He hurt you badly but he wants you. How much do you want him? Sorry I am harsh but even if he is the guilty one - he might take off for good. Is it what you want? Or do you just want him to put up with how you feel for as long as it takes.... And how long will that be? When can he expect you to feel better and start building a future together?

Again - he was in the wrong but you took him back.

[nebulachic]

Part of the reason it is taking me a long time to get over is I've never been convinced it's really over. He told me 2 months ago he was going to send her an apology email at some point but didn't want me to see it beforehand like the email he sent her in my presence telling her it was over... because he didn't want me editing it. He said he might show it to me after-the-fact.

He sent it last month but didn't wait for her to respond to it and called her 2 days later instead. Then he blew me off the next weekend that we usually spend together (ever other weekend with his son) to go be with a mutual friend of theirs and clear his head and not just about us (I even mentioned to a friend at that time I wondered if he hooked up with her there). I finally got it out of him that he talked wiht the mutual friend about her -- he said very briefly.

He did show me the email he sent her but I had no idea what transpired on the phone call and he has been acting different since. Then he told me just yesterday it's not the only time he's talked with her since. His b-day was last week and his sister was visiting her and they called him together to say happy b-day.

What exactly do you want him to do now? I just want to know it's over. I have no proof of that and actaully it seems things might be starting up again. I sent her a very neutral email Sun politely asking if things are really over romantically between them and haven't heard back yet.

[mashmac]

Well if you think it's not over.... It's not up to her to convince you.
It's something you need to sort out with him. You are involved with him.

[EC]

It's over for him when he says it's over. It's over for you when YOU say it's over. His recent gestures could mean anything, he was clearly at fault and him threatening you showed how much he could possibly be taking you for granted.

You sending an e-mail to her, she could have talked to him about your e-mail. Throwing rock at your dash and swearing sounds disrespectful and immature, especially for someone who just got caught.

He shouldn't keep in touch with her, one thing leads to another. Have you and him discussed why he looked for someone else in the first place?