How long to get over an affair?

[nebulachic]

My b/f cheated on me (emotionally) last Aug-Dec. He was carrying on with an ex g/f for months via email after reuniting at a weekend-long wedding (that he didn;t invite me to) about starting a relationship again (from 15 yrs ago) and even talked about buying property together.

It's been 5 months since I found out. He has been very frustrated I am not over it yet and continue to have crying spells and depression from it and he said he wants to have fun times with me again.

I am not ready to restore my trust in him though.

[Penguin_Woman]

Hello, nebulachic and welcome to ATLF. I'm sorry for your experience. I know, from experience that once lost trust can be hard to earn back. I am not suggesting that you trust him again and move on, but I do think you can try having fun with him again and just let him know he has hurt you deeply. That he has to earn your trust back and that may take a while. I'm sure others will jump in here too.

[mashmac]

It's hard but sounds like you love him and he is the man you want to be with. And he loves you back or else he would have left. And that is a crucial element to the story: he stayed with you.

Just imagine it as a new beginning, I think your relationship can get much stronger if you forgive him. I hope you can.

[aussiecoffee007]

well, i think he needs to work hard for your trust again... prove hes real this time... i would suggest not letting the emotionality of seeing a man cry get to you, he needs to step up by earning your trust again...

[nebulachic]

If you were the other woman in a triangle romance and recevied this email, would you feel inclined to respond? (D = the guy)

Dear _____,

My name is L. I am the woman D. mentioned he has been seeing since you met him. Several months ago I came across the emails you exchanged with him. When I confronted him, he told me he had let you know the last time he saw you (Thanksgiving) that he was in love with and fully committed to me, and dispelled notions of a romantic future for the two of you. But I get the idea, particularly based on comments you wrote about him in an email the following day, that he maybe never really did say those things at that time (?)

D. and I have been seeing each other since Sep 2005. I would like to know for certain that things have truly been terminated between the two of you, as he has assured me, so I can continue our relationship with full confidence... particularly since he expressed interest in establishing a home with me not long ago. Unfortunately, I am finding it difficult to put full stock in his words these days.

I hold no ill feelings towards you and realize it was D's. words and actions that have led to the pain and confusion that has ensued for both of us. I am hoping to engage in honest and respectful conversation with you to help gain clarity on the situation -- woman to woman -- in confidence -- particularly so as to avoid another chapter of this triangle.

Please respond to this email or, if you feel more comfortable, call me on my cell anytime.

Best regards,

L.

[mashmac]

I would confront him first and probably contact her to get a sense of what kind of person she might be: is she inventing some of it or....

[aussiecoffee007]

i think thats a very respectable letter, if its all true then she just wants to know the truth for the sake of her relationship... i would tell her what was going on, if anything, and perahps get together--i wouldnt do it over email because written down stuff can come out wrong (see earlier post i put on porn :( ) or it can be used against you JUST IN CASE she is not being truthful. but personally i dont see why this letter WOULDNT be real, why would she make all that up? i would just be honest with her, she deserves to know the truth about her man so she doesnt ruin the rest of her life and go through even more emotioanl turmoil. so i would definitely respond to the cries of human nature :)

[Penguin_Woman]

A little clarification...did you receive or send this email? j/w :)

[nebulachic]

I am considering sending the email. I am the one who was cheated on.

[Penguin_Woman]

Ah, ok. That's what I thought. Yes, I think that's very respectful and if she has any heart at all I beleive she will respond

[nebulachic]

Say you met someone who was 2 years separated from their spouse and had already dated other people. They tell you in the first 2 months they are in love with you... ask how you feel about becoming a step parent... tell you they love you... say "this feels like home..."

4 months later they start getting their divorce going. You ask one day if when they talk about starting their new life with a new partner if they ever consider you as that person. They answer: "Of course! It's only natural to think of the person you're with! But I can't give you any guarantees right now. I'm not saying I'm going to go out and screw every woman/man I see... but I am going to be picky"

You ask again a week later and they say "I don't know how I'm going to feel about this relationship once I'm divorced. I can't make any promises"

Would you stay with them? If you did stay with them, would you feel insecure?

[Penguin_Woman]

Heh...the start of your post sounded like my situation with Tuxie. He'd been seperated for 2 years..we told each other that we were in love with each other fairly soon. The rest isn't the same. Tuxie had seen others as well but was lookin for something serious, same as me. To tell ya the truth if he had told me that he was going to be sleeping around/dating around...we probably wouldn't have continued dating. Just not how I am. I'd think you should break ties now...before you get hurt worse

[nebulachic]

he slept around behind your back?

[Penguin_Woman]

What? No, not at all...we are serious about each other. Only time he was ever....with anyone else is when we broke up for 3 months.

[nebulachic]

OK... so my b/f cheated on me last year as I stated. He met an old flame at a weekend long wedding event. They hadn't seen each other in 20+ years. Apparently sparks flew. She lives across country and therefore could only email each other.. but the emails suggested starting a life together. He says it was more her pushing for it but an email response back to him after the "Dear Jill" he wrote at my therapist's suggestion after I discovered the emails she said: "when you asked that weekend if we would consider growing old together".. he said it made him look like a liar and it was really she who asked him.

Anyway, his intial email he drafted he said they needed to cut all ties. I, in my infinite wisdom :roll eyes:, and upon seeing how bothered he seemed when we were about to send it, decided to let him remain in contact with her if he swore he could be just friends with her (stupid?). I figured at the time... he's just going to sneak contact with her if he really wants to anyway. I thought it would make him more accountable somehow.

Anyhoo... he emailed her 2 weeks ago to apologize for everything that happened like he told me he might a few months ago. I am dicovering I am not liking that they are in contact again. He said I should feel better it is all completely resolved now (ie, he got the apology to her he had wanted to).. but he also told her in that email "I am trying to rebuild trust with L... but it remains to be seen if that will happen"). Why would he tell her that???

Also, she is a millionairre and he said that was part of the temptation.

This is why in my other post I showed the email I might want to send her.

[mashmac]

I don't think it's right for him to still be in touch with her. If he really wants to be with you and rebuild the trust - he needs to cut off all ties with her. Sorry but that is the only way and I am speaking from experience.

Or he wants to be with her.... In any event. I don't really see how they could be just friends, clearly she wants more and he is tempted. You are playing with fire here.

I know it's easy for me to say this but I just don't see any other option.

[Penguin_Woman]

I too speak from experience and I think he's gonna have to cut all ties with her...or you. I don't think he could/should have both.

[mashmac]

I now realize I got this thread wrong... If I was her, I would most certainly talk to you...but I'll be honest if I really had feelings for me and felt he had some back, I am not I would just just give up on him as long as he would be encouraging me .... and that is why again he has to stop being in touch with her.
she has nothing to lose and perhaps love to gain.

[~Teej~]

Yeah I agree..It's about time he decides who is wants to be with..You or her..

I feel for you, that must be a horrible situation to be in

[aussiecoffee007]

i would stay with that person, that person is going through a rough time in divorcing and its natural not to know what you want or to not want your next relationship to end like that one did. sleeping around though, id end it, if he wants to date other people you have to decide whether you want/need an exclusive relationship right now or youre okay with just dating.

[aussiecoffee007]

well, i would answer that email, so i would send it if i were you

[Penguin_Woman]

Just a quick side note nebulachic. Your thread title says one last question. I want you to know you can ask as many as you want. :)

[nebulachic]

Thanks everyone!!!!!!!

[nebulachic]

Hi all.. hope you all had a good weekend.

This is regarding my b/f who I found out had cheated on me.... (see other posts for reference). This is the email he sent her back on Apr 23. He told me about it 2 weeks later, which he said he would (ie, he said at some point he would send it and would let me read it afterwards)

Lisa = me (not my real name).

What do you think?
__________________________________________________ ________

T:

I needed to get in touch with you after too much time had transpired and catch up with each other after much confusion do to my situation regarding Lisa, moving back into my house, and the final stages of my divorce. I am not sure what I was thinking or saying back in the fall, but know in retrospect that I made several mistakes in the process and hurt Lisa, you and myself. Please know that I had no intention of misleading anyone, including myself. Since our last emails Lisa has continuously asked if I have been in touch with you and to date of course I haven’t. However, it has been bothering me ever since and I felt it best to clear the air. Lisa and I are still trying to work things out for we care very deeply about each other, and what I bring to the table is quite complicated and I want to be completely honest with her and myself at every step. When I was about to send the last email to you she asked if I could simply have a friendship with you and I said yes. However, will I ever fully gain her trust in me 100%, well that remains to be seen. Everything is out in the open as it should be and I will let her know that I got in touch with you to apologize for my actions which I take full responsibility for and the consequences that follow.

On a very positive not, my son has really come a long way and I am very excited that he will be attending University this fall. Also, that I am pursuing my appetite for music by playing in a band again virtually every weekend. Lisa joins me and sings with us now and then. She has an amazing voice!

Anyhow, I feel like some weight has been lifted off my chest and that I can press on.

The best of luck to you and your program in <state> and let me and my sister know how you make out.

I hope you are well. Keep warm!

D.

[Penguin_Woman]

Seems fair enough. Maybe he can just be her friend. As long as everything remains "above-ground", it could work. :)

[nebulachic]

I'm not sure how to feel about this part though:

"When I was about to send the last email to you she asked if I could simply have a friendship with you and I said yes. However, will I ever fully gain her trust in me 100%, well that remains to be seen."

I wonder if he was trying to tell her "Hey this thing with Lisa might not work out. If she doesn't take me back... maybe we can make a go of it again. I'll keep you posted."

I told him I am not comfortable with him having contact with her like I first thought. Part of this is due to things he's said since his last email.. the fact he wrote this email a week after a big fight we had... the fact he blew off our weekend together the next weekend to see a mutual friend of theirs... and that I finally got out of him that he talked to the mutual friend about her. Although he told me the mutual friend (who's known both of them for 25 years) said he doens't see them as a couple. Who knows though if he was just saying that to try to make me feel better.

I told him maybe once we're thru this... in maybe a year or so, he can restart communication with her.. especially if he would introduce us first. Although all therapists say it should be broken off forever.

Remember.. he had a phone call with her days after sending the email since she hadn't responded and I have no idea what really transpired with that call.

[Penguin_Woman]

I can understand your concerns and they are well-founded. Though I see that as him being repentant. Wanting to earn back your trust. I think that's fair..telling him in one year he can contact her again. Simply because it doesn't matter what I think about the email. If your not comfortable with it, then he shouldn't do it.

[mashmac]

Well I guess she didn't respond cause she is hurting. But it sounds like he made up his mind. I still think he should not be in contact with her. Perhaps further down the road once everybody is settled but it's all too fragile now for all involved.

[nebulachic]

The woman my b/f cheated on me with is a millionairre. There is part of me that, because I am as poor as a church mouse, has made me feel really ashamed of my life now and somehow more lenient about the affair. Not because I would have done the same thing if I had been in his shoes (believe it or not, someone very wealthy had expressed interest in me around the same time but I didn't go out with them) but because he said: "it was a very tempting offer" (ie, a life with her).

But should I feel less insulted that he cheated on me because he was tempted by her millions??

[Penguin_Woman]

Tempted? Sure...we all get tempted as...someone wise once told me. :D Like this wise person also said...it's what you do with that temptation. I don't care if she's a millionaire, multi-mullionaire or billionaire. Cheating is cheating whether they are filthy rich or poor as can be. IMHO

[mashmac]

No, nothing to do with money but I think I can understand he found her more attractive because of it. Money, power and similar - all those we find attractive in a way. Money doesn't make you happy but it certainly helps they say....
But as Tuxette says cheating is cheating and money or no money - heating it is.

[nebulachic]

I'm not sure if my b/f recently rekindled things with the woman he cheated on me with last year (he emotionally cheated-- but to the point of talking about spending the rest of their lives together). He told me he sent her an email apologizing (email is below).

He only waited a few days for her to respond. Because she didn't he decided to call her. I have no idea what the phone call was like except what he told me, but I have a hard time trusting anything he says since he lied to me about her for months last year. Plus, he emailed her a few days after a big fight we had and has been acting different since. If he had waited for her email response, I would have an idea how she's feeling about things.

I more than ever am thinking of emailing her (I posted the email I am thinking of sending in another post) to ask her if he tried to rekindle things, but my question for this post is:

How many of you would try to contact her if you were in my situation if you had her email address/phone number?
Also, anyone have experience with contacting the other woman?



__________________________________________________ ______________
T:

I needed to get in touch with you after too much time had transpired and catch up with each other after much confusion do to my situation regarding Lisa, moving back into my house, and the final stages of my divorce. I am not sure what I was thinking or saying back in the fall, but know in retrospect that I made several mistakes in the process and hurt Lisa, you and myself. Please know that I had no intention of misleading anyone, including myself. Since our last emails Lisa has continuously asked if I have been in touch with you and to date of course I haven’t. However, it has been bothering me ever since and I felt it best to clear the air. Lisa and I are still trying to work things out for we care very deeply about each other, and what I bring to the table is quite complicated and I want to be completely honest with her and myself at every step. When I was about to send the last email to you she asked if I could simply have a friendship with you and I said yes. However, will I ever fully gain her trust in me 100%, well that remains to be seen. Everything is out in the open as it should be and I will let her know that I got in touch with you to apologize for my actions which I take full responsibility for and the consequences that follow.

On a very positive not, my son has really come a long way and I am very excited that he will be attending University this fall. Also, that I am pursuing my appetite for music by playing in a band again virtually every weekend. Lisa joins me and sings with us now and then. She has an amazing voice!

Anyhow, I feel like some weight has been lifted off my chest and that I can press on.

The best of luck to you and your program in <state> and let me and my sister know how you make out.

I hope you are well. Keep warm!

D.

[nebulachic]

My b/f and I have been having a rough go of it lately. But this past weekend things were going very well... so well he noticed some acreage for sale while we were driving around and stopped and was very excited about it and took a picture of me by it. A few minutes later driving away he asked if I was feeling the same thing he was. I asked what he meant and he said "I was feeling that things just felt right between us and I could envision us living on a piece of property like that." I had been feeling the same thing and told him so. He then said "I don't know what to do with those feelings though."

He started talking about how complicated his life is lately (a huge mortgage from a recent divorce and a teenage son..). He then said when his sister called him the other day she asked why he sounded so sad. He said "I didn;t know what she was talking about. I didn't THINK I was sad. Then she said if I thought I was hurting you too much maybe we should take a break."

I was feeling very confused and hurt. He had just told me what I have been longing to hear for 1.5 years now followed by taking a break. I got out of his car and started walking. I told him I would take a cab home even though we were far from home. He said he wanted to talk more and I ended up getting back in the car. We were going to go out to eat after and I again started walking after I thought more and we talked more about the taking a break thing. He got really angry and said "See Lisa! This is the kind of **** that makes me leery about being with you!"

I am beside myself.

[aussiecoffee007]

mm im sorry about that, and that he hurt you... i think he just doesnt want to hurt you or anything, and is probably afraid of getting overwhelmed or making an emotional deciison like buying property...

[Penguin_Woman]

I don't know...he seems very unstable right now. Almost seems like he's intentional trying to start a fight IMHO.

[nebulachic]

I met my b/f and he came on strong very quickly. After 1 month he asked me how I felt about becoming a step-mother... and by the 2nd month told me he was in love, and after telling me he doesn't say "I love you" lightly, told me he loved me. He would also say things like "this feels right".. "this feels like home" when we were toegther. He had been separated 2.5 years and had dated 3 other women before me when I met him.

By the 4th month he got his divorce going (he told 75% of the reason was because of me). But he started seeming different around that time. One day I asked him what he envisions for his life once he's divorced. He mentioned some logisticall things and then said "and a partner to share it all with." I asked him if he ever thought of me as that partner. He said "Of course I do! It's only natural to think of the person you're currently with. But I can't make any promises right now." He probably noticed the sad look on my face and followed it with: "I'm not saying I'm going to go out and screw every woman I see. I'm going to be very picky though and ask a lot of questions.. like I've been asking you."

A few weeks later the subject came up again and he said "I'm not sure how I'm going to feel about this relationship once I'm divorced." I told him I thought we should break up then until he was divorced. He told me he didn't mean anything negative by his comment and begged me to please not end things prematurely and was afraid he'd lose me if we took a break.

I went on an overseas business trip the next day and didn't take his calls all week. When I got back he said he had been telling all his friends and family how much he loves me and thought very serisouly about our future and had printed out pics of me and put them next to his sons. I took him back.

Months later the issue came up again. I remember sort of fighting and me saying I thought he already HAD picked me based on the things he was telling me. He said "Hey I was honest with you from the getgo so you woulnd't get your heart broken. I told you I couldn't make any promises."

To this day he defends himself as having been honest with me. But does his being "honest" supersede the other things he was telling me????

[Penguin_Woman]

No, I do think he is sending mixed messages. I don't blame you for being confused.

[~Teej~]

Yeah he is making you confused..

And I don't blame you for feeling the way you are.. He should decide If he wants to be with you or not..He can't expect you to stay around forever until he decides whether or not you are good enough for him.

My friend has a situation where she was with this guy..Sort of the same situation as yours..She met, fell in love, Engaged and moved in together within 6 months..He was divorced to and had a teenage son..

They were completly happy together no problems whatsover, planning there wedding and then about 2 months before he completly panicks and ends it..He just doesn't want to get married again and so he cannot be with her..They still both love each other..But he completly shuts her out so she has no choice but to walk away from him.

Now he is seeing someone else and she is trying to move on with her life.

I don't know if this helps at all. But maybe your boyfriend is just plain scared of getting into anything serious again...Scared of marriage, more kids, a house..Because maybe what happened before ended bad..Maybe he's afraid of getting hurt again, or even hurting you.

I don't know the situation...I hope that this was some help ( hugz )