New here, please help

[rmayat]

Hello,

I'm new to this forum but i need some help. I got dumped last night by my boyfriend of 4 years because his mum didn't approve of our relationship and cant go against his mothers wishes. I cant take the pain, it hurts so bad. He doesnt want anything to do with me and he's acting so cold and just a couple of hours before i got dumped he came round mine and told me how much he loved me.
What am i going to do? My whole life revolves around him. The thought of him never saying goodnight to me or not stroking my hair ever again (i've got tears in my eyes while writing this), please someone give me some advice.

[summit]

well im very sorry for your loss, and I know it is difficult to bear right now, but I think if you gave yourself enough time to think about the situation, it may help you a great deal.

You have to ask yourself, if this man dumps you because of his mothers wishes, and not for his own reasons, what kind of future could you possibly have with him? Can you imagine if you had kids?, or wanted to get married? with a mother in law as controlling as this and with a son that goes along with it, what room is there left for you two to live a life of your own?

A man controlled by his mother is a dangerous thing but if he means that much to you, I would speak to his mother directly and honestly, and find out why.

[mashmac]

?? You've been together for four years and suddenly he listens to his mum? Why is she so much against you and how come it wasn't an issue for him before? Are you sure there isn't more to it? i know exactly how you feel, been there... and i how how hard it is for you to handle his coldness... just try and take one little moment at the time, it's not going to be easy if it's really over. but...but yes it will get better. he doesn't deserve you if he treats you that way. unfortunately that won't be much of a consolation right now, unfortunately you have to cry it all out...

[~Teej~]

mashmac is right. Time heals all wounds. It gets better eventually.

There must be something more to it. Surely his mum won't say she doesn't like you after 4 years. You need to find out why?.

In my opinion he wouldn't give up on 4 years because of his mum. If he truly loved you that wouldn't be the reason. If it truly is then you deserve someone a lot better.

[aussiecoffee007]

i dotn know what to say but that i agree with whats been said, you need to figure out why she doesnt like you adn see if theres some miscommunciation or misunderstanding there, if so, try to work it out. and... think about it, do you want a man controlled by his mother? who will never think for himself and who blindly follows someone? and after 4 years... he needs to tell his mom to back off and this is his life, and his love, to live and to cherish and she cant stop that. if hes not strong or willing to do that, then he isnt worthy of you.

[rmayat]

Thankyou all so much for your advice. He called me last night and kept saying how sorry he was I couldnt help but be nasty to him, i am so angry and hurt. All them promises and dreams... all broken. I asked him if hes going to be tied to his mothers apron strings all his life and he said that he loves her far too much to ever go against her. HELOO... what about your love for me?? Did that mean anything? I don't understand how he can just switch of like that! I asked him if he has met someone else (strangely my situation would make more sense) but he swore on his flipping mothers life that there was no one else.
I'm lost.. Oh yeh, i forget to mention we work together. Every morning i have to see his face. I'm not crying as much today though so i suppose its a good sign. Yesterday, i just couldnt stop. They just kept flowing.

[Penguin_Woman]

I'm so sorry for what your going through. I understand why you became angry with him. If he truly loved you he should be willing to go against his mom. His mom won't be around forever. Some day she's gonna pass on and then where will he be? You know, you say you work together. This is exacly why I advise caution before getting involved with someone at work. Well, we are akll here for you anytime you need to talk.

[rmayat]

:bawling: I have been working with my current employee for 3 years. Last year he got got made redundent from his work and he's got a mortgage so therefore i felt sorry for him and got him a job at my place. He just sent me an email telling me that he'd actually asked his mom for her blessing as he was going to ask me to marry him. Yet again the tears have started.

[mashmac]

He is asking you to marry him now??? I am lost...

[~Teej~]

I think she means that he asked his mum for her permission to ask her to marry him and his mum wouldn't give it. Thats why he ended it.

He's a fool if you ask me

[mashmac]

He wanted to marry her and changed his mind because his mum said no??? from one moment to the other?

what kind of love is this? that's crazy.

[aussiecoffee007]

yeah, he cant really live by his mothers rules... then hes just living her version of his life instead of his own, and thats no way to live... he needs to stand up to her because you are his love!! if he cant do that, then... hes not worth your time. i think hes saying, he was going to ask her but not without his moms permission, and she said no, so he saw no point anymore and ended it. (at least i think...)

[Penguin_Woman]

Yeah, I would agree. That's insane. If he truly loved you and wanted to marry you it shouldn't have mattered what his mom thought. Anyway...why was he asking her? Traditionally isn't he supposed to ask your father?

[rmayat]

Ahhh, this man has ruined my life. He's turned it upside down. I can't believe he wanted to marry me. I mean, we'd talked about it but he never mentioned that he was going to ask his mum! I tried telling him that i wanted to be friends with him but he said he'd rather keep a distance from me as thats his way of dealing with this.
Everyone keeps telling me that he's not worth it if he's going to be tied to mothers apron strings all his life but i just dont understand the situation. How can a man that wanted to marry me one day just end a 4 year relationship the next.
I've tried asking him if maybe we could get together one afternoon and discuss things but he just keeps telling me that i need to understand were over and thats all there is to it.
THATS ALL THERE IS TO IT??? What about the past 4 years - how can a man that was so sweet and loving turn so cold overnight.
Its my birthday on tuesday and i'm going to be all alone. He'd made a reservation at my fave restuarant and now its all ruined.

[Penguin_Woman]

I really don't know, rmayat. It's true it/he isn't worth it, but that still doesn't explain his actions. I really don't know why or what happened. He's the only one who can and he doesn't seem very forthcoming. We're all here for you, at least know that.

[aussiecoffee007]

well, his mom definitely has the advantage of time over you, even with the 4 years... and a man like that, who only listens to his mother, never changes, if hes that dependent on his mom... i agree that hes not worth it.

[mashmac]

It's awful. He is nuts. Look it's not going to be easy for you to overcome this - make sure you have some friends around and feel free to let it all out here and just talk. I can't really explain his action - I just know from being heartbroken and having someone telling me he needed me like air one day to eventually walk away from me. And it was really hard for quite some time but eventually I got over it.

I know this is little consolation now - take it one little step at the time cause yes he is not worth it although you probably still have strong feelings for him....:o

[rmayat]

Hi everyone,

Thankyou so much for all your help and advice. I cannot begin to express how much i appreciate it.

It still hurts and i still cry when i think about the good times but i think i'm going to be ok.

He texted me on Saturday and i just went back to step one. He said " I'm sorry i've been acting all cold and heartless but like you i'm going through a hard time aswell. Not talking to you and avoiding you makes its easier for me to deal with. Again i'm sorry and i hope you get all the happiness from life".

I texted him back to say how much i loved him and if we could meet - i got him to agree and we were going to meet up at 7.30pm on Saturday night and then i thought What am i going to say to him? I thought of the deadly silence and the tears and i called it off. I don't know if i did the right thing but it felt right at the time.

I need answers as to why this has happened but everytime i ask him why he gave up on me he keeps telling me that he cant disobey his mother and i couldn't bear to listen to this again.

[Penguin_Woman]

I don't know if that was a good idea. I realize you need answers, but your going to hurt yourself worse by seeing him. You alredy said you don't want to hear that he couldn't disobey his mom. What makes you think he'll say anything else?

[aussiecoffee007]

yeah i dont think hes changing his mind about his mother, so i dont think hes worth it to see anymore. hes not worth your time anymore. hes just stuck on her, but... he needs to detach and stand up to her, and if hes not capable of that, well... im sorry for your pain but hes not worth hurting you even more.

[mashmac]

run away from him if you can. he is going to hurt you even more. i know it's hard
and it will take you a while to be able to do so. but as my favorite expression goes - babysteps. every little bit you can do to keep yourself busy elsewher - do it. and surround yourself with friends, family. don't stay alone dwelling on it day and night. this is torture, unless he can tell you he is not listening to his mum. and he hasn't.

[rmayat]

On sunday evening i decided that i was not going to bother moping over him and that i would wake up on the right side of bed on monday morning and face him and be confident.
I did just that, i went in to work, smiled at him, said good morning then at 10.30am i went for my nicotine break and he asked me if he could go with me, i told him it was a free country (secretly hoping he would follow me) and he did. He kept telling me how pretty i looked today (like any girl i was getting happy inside), anyway it got to lunchtime and i decided to walk to the bakery and he followed me in the car and blocked my path, instead of making a fuss i just got in the car because people around me were wondering what was going on.
We got some lunch and he was stoking my face and hair and i was starting to melt. He kept saying nice things like, how much he missed me, how much he cared about me. At this point i was completely loved up and in a mushy mess and i started to tell him how much i missed him and then... BANG
Everything went up in flames, he all of a sudden became the same cold and heartless person he's been for a week. He didnt speak to me all afternoon, when i asked him he said he just realised that it wasnt going to happen.
WHAT IS GOING ON? why is he behaving like this?

[mashmac]

No rational explanation - he wants to control you. He has issues and he is doing you head in. You are fine, he clearly isn't. Put up a cold front if you can and try and avoid him. I know it is hard but at least you can try and if you lapse and relapse it's because you have a heart - he doesn't or he wouldn't torture you this way.

[aussiecoffee007]

he wants to have his cake and eat it too. he wants you to be there for him, pining away because he hates the thought of losing you, but at the same time he cant overcome his mom. just leave him be. hes not worth it x1000

[~Teej~]

Stay away from him..He's being a complete idiot..I know it's hard because you work together..But spending your breaks together and him telling you your pretty and stroking your hair..Well that isnt on.

Tell him to stay away from you at work, otherwise you won't be able to move on. If he still cares for you he will give you the space to that.

[diseasedwow]

Recently been dumped (about 4 days ago) after 5 years (engaged and all) and one thing to say is yes we all WANT answers as to WHY?

Thing is, sometimes the answers you may and most likely will get are only answers that will hurt you more. The pain of knowing something awful is worse than the pain of not knowing at all. Sometimes you have to be as strong as you can, deep down in your heart and think about YOU! Not WHY, not HIM, not his MOM. Think about you now, concentrate on YOUR happiness. Don't fall into the funk of "i'm not happy without him, I want to die." Thing is if you're not happy without him you were never TRULY happy with him. YOUR happiness is within YOU, no one can change that. Hold your head up, be strong and show him exactly WHAT he is going to miss out on. And ask yourself, is it truly worth it to you? Give the love you have to someone who will love you just as much.

[gnahtov]

Imagine if he does asks you back or you do get back together. Let's also pretend you get married. The control and influence his mom has over him will multiply. Are you sure you want this?

I sometimes believe a relationship is a psychological game. Did you notice when you were somewhat cold with him, he gave you attention and when you stopped, he became cold.

My advice, it's time to be cold for awhile and put your guard up. Fall in love with yourself again by doing the things you enjoy doing on your own.

[~Teej~]

I don't think they are coming back :(

[stoner]

I maybe late getting in this thread, but I'm sorry to hear about the recent turn of events that had gone from worse to worst, after being let go by this fool whom you thought loved you. Hopefully, you'll learn to let go of him ... and realize that he ain't worth it.

I guess once a mama's boy will always be a mama's boy ... you may take him away from mama, but the mama will never be taken out from inside him. I wonder if that makes any sense at all? :rolleyes: Anyway, I agree with the advises that fellow members had provided you. If this man allows his mom to get in the way of anything and everything that he does, where his mother makes the decisions for him instead of making them by himself, then he is not the man for you. Even after you've spent four fruitful years with him.

Just remember that you're better than him, and he's not worth wasting your tears for. A man who truly loves you will stand by you no matter what, and will make sure that the tears that you cry are not related to having worthless evenings. In the meantime, allow time to heal your emotional wounds. Find something that interests you ... something that will get you preoccupied; spend time with friends and family ... anything to get your mind away from this loser.

And remember when negative things, such as insults, frustrations, heartaches and the like are getting in the best of you; you'll always have a place here to vent and let it out in the open. The ATLF is a very supportive group. We'll make it an effort to be here to listen and support you in any way possible. Good luck.