Cheating...

[lisa843]

Besides the obvious...thinking the grass is greener, being greedy, etc.

What do you think are the main causes of cheating?? I believe it is a symptom of poor communication and lack of respect....when couples do not listen/express to the needs of each other.

[~Teej~]

I think if you cheat on someone then you simply do not really want to be with them. If you are with the right person you would never cheat on them. Because you would never want to risk losing them

[lisa843]

meerkat
thanks for your reply. I appreciate your opinions. I have to say I am sure that is probably true in many cases...but not all. My ex cheated on me several times...for many different reasons (excuses) but no matter what and still to this day...I do not have any doubts that he loved me....still loves me. I believe some people have a problem with being faithful...it has nothing to do with how they feel about their loved ones. (IMO) it's kinda like a sexual disfunction...an obsession maybe??

[mashmac]

Guess you are missing something with the person you are with so you end up cheating because the person you are cheating with gives you what you miss...

And yes for men it is usually because they want to have sex and might not be entirely satisfied with their regular partner/wife. But those cheating husbands very rarely leave their wives and usually love them. They just do it to spice up their sex life and then they want to go home. Some men just can't do it differently. And some women too. Whichever way it goes - it causes pain. Lots of it. Of course for the one that has been cheated on but very often also for the one that cheated.

Does any of the above make sense?

[aussiecoffee007]

i dont really think its a sexual obsession... or a lack of communciation, for that matter. i think its a lack of needs that are met, even if they are communicated... sometimes, its just to spice things up a bit, or if youre scared of how you feel about someone and you chicken out to try to avoid it, or just sometimes... the relationship is over but you dont want to admit it to yourself quite yet.

[lisa843]

interesting responses. I love to get a different perspective on things. thanks. ;)

[EC]

There are too many reasons to list, the only answer that matters is the one that comes from the person that was / is unfaithful.

[Penguin_Woman]

I think there's many reasons someone may stray. Not getting the amount or quality of sex they want, to get the thrill of the "hunt" again, to feel attractive/wanted, to get emotional support and attention they've been missing etc..

Some, though really cannot help themselves. There are sex addicts and it's like any other addiction...they can't seem to stop. They don't do it for love, attention or affection. They do it because they just can't stop. I was watching a show on it a while back.

[aussiecoffee007]

one of my acquaintances is like that, and i second tuxette, he doesnt mean to cheat on his girlfriends in any way, he truly loves them... but ive watched all of his relationships go down the drain because he cheats on them, when they go on vacation or something and hes not longer getting the sexual intimacy he literally needs to live... so he goes out and gets laid and it literally means NOTHING to him, she is the one, etc. but... they dont forgive him, adn its complicated, i would have struggles too..

[~Teej~]

Yeah I don't it something I could forgive..maybe he should try finding someone that wants an open relationship..There not for me, but that way there would be no one feeling guilty if someone went astray

[aussiecoffee007]

exactly, thats what these girls go through... nad the ironic part is that he is an extremely devoted boyfriend, he doesnt WANT an open relationship he wants one woman, he wants love and monogamy but if they girl LEAVES, therein lies the problem... if she goes on vacation or is busy for the week, he gets crazy... literally like if he didnt smoke a pack or something... migraines adn all that crap...

[~Teej~]

Poor guy..He needs help to sort that out.

Either that or some dedicated time with his right hand ( sorry, for the way I put that, I was trying hard of a way to get that across without being crude ).

[aussiecoffee007]

ahha no sex addicts dont work like that, they need the physical feel of someone else, the runnign their hands through someones hair, the mutual climax, all of it. they need someone else there... hes tried to get help but hes like a smoker who cant quit, he just relapses. every time. and i feel horrible for him, but i cant blame the girls but he blames himself but he really is the most... honorable man, adn i know that sounds contradictory but when an open relationship is even posed he freaks out... he wants one woman, he wants the love of his life. but i dotn see how he will ever overcome this. :(

[Penguin_Woman]

Wow...I've heard about people like him. I can't imagine what that'd be like. Either being an addict or trying to be in arelationship with one. I hope he can get some help. I think I've heard of anti- deppresants working. They kinda kill off the sex drive and help replace seratonin that maybe what he's seeking...

[aussiecoffee007]

perhaps that would work to alleviate the sex problem, but then wouldnt tha tmake him even more depressed? cuz trust me hes an already fairly depressed man

[Penguin_Woman]

Well, exactly why I'd think ant-deppresants could help. *shrugs* But Im not a doctor. He should see a psychiatrist...they can prescribe meds

[aussiecoffee007]

i know but he doesnt have the money to afford a psychiatrist for a problem that no one really validates including his parents and family adn stuff...

[Penguin_Woman]

Well, has he tried finding a Sex addict anonymous place or something? If anyone would understand they would. I think it costs very little or nothing

[Lorna]

I found all those answers very interesting, and about that guy, i know someone like that, he is hyper jealous, and cant live having his one and only doing stuff while he isnt there, nor being left for a week, but is free himself..
Its like h wants a onesided very commited relationship.
Meaning she live in monogamy while he take the open realtionship side..
very accomodating.
I cant see any excuse for doing that. It isnt an addiction.
But I can see what aussie said and agree, that it could be that a guy is scared by the feeling he has for the woman in his life.
That it could be so overwhelming that he react by doing the opposit.
Instead to declare his flame, he runs away in the arm of soemone else for whom he feels nothing at all, because it makes him feel save.
Like being scare for showing your feelings, for fear for being exposed and hurted..so the man hurt the other in his actions, whne he could be so happy and make the other one so happy if only he had just told her how he was feeling.
I know someone who does that all the time.:rolleyes: :(
It is sad. And true that communication doesnt always help, because communication use logic, and that kind isnt logical at all.
Its emotional, somehting one doesnt understand nor can control that way.

Liek all fears they have to be overcome and are hard to deal with.
Worse are the fears of your own feelings.
I think it can be that in some cases. Where the man id scared of his feelings, cant expose them to the one he love and instead found an outlet for it, by being kind to someone else.
Which doesnt solve the problem but only report it longer in the time. Until he is able to say how he really feel.
Sounds easy, but isnt...

Our fears, they make us foolish, so foolish...That we lose what we cherish the most because of them. Or come so close of doing so, that it make us even more scared!
:rolleyes: :p

Thank you everybody for your new angles to look at this and for being so genuate.:)

[aussiecoffee007]

no lorna, i think you misunderstand what ive been saying about him. he in no way wants to be an open-relationship guy. he wants monogamy on BOTH sides. he is a very faithful guy, but he suffers from an ILLNESS, an addiction same as cigarettes, to sex. so when his girlfriend goes out of town he physically gets migraines, headaches, throws up, stomach pain, etc etc until he has sex with someone. one time he was so upset that he couldnt NOT cheat on his girlfriend--he loves his girlfriend ONLY HER and does NOT want to cheat on her--that he chained himself to the bed when she went away for a week. it ended up that he got so sick, he blacked out and his friends finally called the paramedics who had to take him to the ER. he stayed 3 days.

the thing i said about being scared is about cheating in general, the man i described above was in the subject of sex addicts. the clinical illness of sex addiction.

again, he tells her and she knows how he feels about him. hes a very... sounds contradictory but one-woman kind of guy, his body just cant take not having sex for more lthan like 2 days.

and tuxette, a counseling group would be awesome, but i dont think they have any there. i live in LA and ive never even heard of one and he lives in a lot less of a... developed like that city.

[Lorna]

For me that sounds more like a case for the psychoanalist or psychotherapeut. I think he should consult one because it isnt sexual addiction that does that, it is psychological, something linked to a very strong and deep fear, only because of that people cant control themselves and do foolish things.

He should see one and i am surprised that he didnt yet because that case is both extremelly weird and serious.
It is absolutly not the kind of case I described above, who are more like what we are used to see.
Here the guy is not just cheating, he is mentally sick.
Afraid to be left alone, and going banana.
If he can, he should talk to a psychiatrist or a psychotherapist, California got more of them than water in the Pacific Ocean, so that should be easy..
As for club for cheaters..hmm well, never heard of that myself.. sounds unfamiliar..I mean you go to AA, ok, to cleansing center for your coke weakness, rehab this and that, but "I am in rehab at the cheaters club, thats where I met my wife" no, never heard that yet..
I dont even think that exist.

[aussiecoffee007]

right, read through the thread to see he cannot afford a psychoanalyst or anythign of the sort. ahha no hes not scared of anything! it really is an illness! and yes, its sexual addiction. he has it.
and its not that 'weird' many people have it.
okay lorna please do not call my best friend 'mentally sick' and 'going bananas' because he is in no way mentally sick he suffers from an illness that destroys his life. and he does not live in california, read my post, i live in CA not him.

[Lorna]

Look aussie i will appreciate that you stop assaulting me in all threads.
They are not about you and my answers are not about you only.
This thread is about cheating and reasons to do so, and i answered about it, I only mentioned your expl as side steped about soemone i knew, of the more usual kind of cheating.

I am saying soemone is mentally sick and being mentally sick is not an insult unless one consider as taboo that soemone is mentally sick but ok if soemone got cancer...
What you described shows it and i have read about him not being able to afford a psychiater, notheless i am not a computer or a recording machine,. and this isnt a place for you jsut to make pinball with me, i am talking to other people in the forum as well, i am talking very well ment about it all, and in the spirit of helping, and not in a sense of competition with you or of aiming at oyu or at beign against you as you seem to believe.

The question of the thread was about why men do so at large and not about one particular extremelly rare and extreeme case about your friends.

And about being scared all have fears, you too, like being afraid of being told agaisnt, or beleiving someone is agaisnt you, and all deal with them as they can.
I have stude psychology long enough to know about some principles, and a human do not go into panic as this guy does, based on sexual desires, but based on inner fears who cannot be expressed.

Thats why he needs professional help, to can free him from those fears from the roots/ reason of those fears, so he can be free from those compulsiv behaviour he experience when his wife is away.

To be mentally sick is to suffer from an illness, and when i say it is too serious and he need to seek help, i do mean that it is destroying his life.
I cannot do that you have prejudices about mental illnesses and people suffering from them. I personally dont have and am not afraid to use the medical term about it.
I do not understand why you laugh about him not being able to afford professional help, i dont think it is funny at all, but maybe i misunderstood soemthing.

As for the location i thougth you said he lives in LA.
But that doesnt give you the rigth to insult me like that.

The tone of all my posts are helpfull, chearfull, and trying genuatly to help and to provide information, so i do not comprehend your very rude answers to me, and the use of such a gross tune.

[~Teej~]

Why be so harsh to Aussie Lorna?.

I read through the very long posts and she is not putting your threads down..She is merely telling you that you have things wrong.

We all know Aussie well enough to know she doesn't mean to upset you, this is just something that she finds upsetting. I do agree you shouldn't call her friend sick in the head..It isn't nice..

This forum is a nice place..Please try not to argue with each other.

I feel down quite a lot of the time..and coming here is my release from that.

I don't want to come here if people are going to be bitter towards each other.

Have a hug and make up now.

[Penguin_Woman]

As I said in the other thread it's gotten to argumentitive here as well. This thread is closed pending further review of all parties involved. I apologise for any inconvience

[Tuxie]

*sigh* I've said this once... I'll say it again. Folks, please use some smileys to interject some emotion in your posts. Half the problem here seems to be the lack of emotion in the posts. The other half is misinterpretation of what is being said. We (as the reader) really need to concentrate on comprehending what is being said. Of course, some of the authors of these posts could be a little more clear also.

Lorna, I'm giving you this last warning... get along with people here on our forum, or you won't be here much longer. Normally I wouldn't say much, but we've had at least a couple of issues with you since you've been here. A word to the wise should be sufficient.

:focus:

[Lorna]

i do believe that I was trying to stay on topic and the alone one to do so, and also of accomodating others and do not see what i have said who could upset anybody.
I cannot do for that someone took it personaly, and didnt expect her to, and in fact what I wrote was genuatly written to help her and not to embarasse her or to provocate her in anyway.
So sorry she misunderstood, but really, it isnt something under my control.
The thread is about cheating and i talk about it.
That it turned out to be about soemthing else cannot be put all on my shoulders when all i was trying to do was to solve the misunderstanding, and writing things clear. I didnt see that kind of effort made by the other side of the fence..
I was assaulted in full purpose, while one was claiming being offended by what i said, but i didnt said anything offending at all.
Not that I know about.
I took the defense of her friend saying he needed help and agreed with her and mashmac about the necessity for him to see a psychologist, so her reaction as me insulting the guy all the sudden is out of proportion.
Unless its ok for some to say it but not for others.
I dont understand what is the matter here.
The main thing of my post had nothing at all to do with it, but was centered about reasons for cheating in general.
And using informations that werent there in the first place, to "prove" I was wrong, is a weird turn of argumentation, so thats kind of rude thereafter to beat me down with stuff who had not been said first, and also to accuse me of malice i do not have and of saying things i do not have said.
I believe to have apologise by million about something i didnt do, and if it had that effect who is claimed of having it wasnt on purpose and is a compleete misinterpretation of what I wrote, so i will appreciate some signs that this is over with.
I do not see why this was blow up that big, nor why some get so mad at me, nor why i got insulted and it was alrigth, while i was apologising but it wasnt good enought.
If fair must be fair so tell me what I said that was wrong here, cause I sincerely dont see it.
I do hope that it isnt just because the weekend was so boring that some had to found some witches to be burned and some black sheeps to catch..
I had written a making up and making friend post that couldnt be posted cause the thread got closed as I was writting it, so I cannot do for it.
I believe to have done my best to reach hand, and be diplomatic, and tolerant, and careless about being right, just to can bring back harmony, but got my hand bitten in return, several times.
And do you know what?
That hurts! :(
I am not a bad person and I would like someone to bring me down the cross, now, if thats nbot too much to ask, please.

Thanks! :)

[Penguin_Woman]

Ok well, this thread has gotten way out of hand and way off topic. Enough is enough. I'm closing this with my apologies to Goldie. :closed_2: If you'd like to start another thread on this you can. :repost:

As for Lorna....she was :banned: ...forever. Enough is enough. We now take you back to your regularly scheduled forum. :)