Lost and struggling

[toodlesoodles]

My girlfriend of 1 and 2/3 years ended it with me almost exactly a month ago and I'm handling it terribly.

We've broken up 3-4 times before, and she gave me the same reasons this time as she had atleast 2 of those 3-4 times so I guess I was kind of hopeful we'd get back together, especially because some of the reasons have been fixed. However, yesterday she made it clear that it's not gonna happen and quite frankly I'm in pieces. I'd go in to more detail about the reasons, and our relationship in general but it seems rather pointless as it doesn't seem we're getting back together. I will say that we argued alot, and that she has said she doesn't believe the relationship can work and her feelings have changed towards it. I also failed in taking the break-up on the chin. If there was a slim chance of us getting back together I ruined it by freaking out. I'm sure most of you are all aware of what I mean by that.

The last month has been the hardest of my life, although during last week I was feeling a little better. However, yesterday and today I feel worse than I ever have. I think I'm actually depressed. I can't think of anything but her, literally. Not 10 seconds go by when I don't think of her in some capacity. It's sad, I know, but I can't help it. I don't get pleasure from anything. Not even watching or playing football which are (or it's more accurate to say 'were' at the minute) two of my favourite things. During the first 2-3 days after the break-up I barely ate a thing. I'm eating better now but haven't got any where near my full appetite. I've lost a stone.

Of course I know all the tips for getting over heartbreak but they just aren't working. The biggest one is spending time with friends, but the problem here is that I met this girl because of my friends. We're in the same circle of friends. She's at Uni so I can hang around with them guys a lot without her being there but the thing is that they all just remind me of her so much. Plus she's often mentioned (they try not to but sometimes it's impossible) and she sometimes rings them for chats when I'm there. There's also going out and sleeping with anything that moves, but it just doesn't interest me. I have no eyes or interest for any one else. I'm in that frame of mind where if the most beautiful celebrity came up to me and asked me to be their's I'd turn them down. Seriously. That stage where I think no one will ever match up to her, not even close.

The WORST thing by far about the whole break-up is it's totally my fault. I've got texts on my phone from her that I don't have the heart to delete, but cause me so much pain when I look at them. Texts from when we were together, even a couple of days before we split up, where she was telling me she loved me, complimenting me and just trying to be close to me and I never gave her enough back. I took the girl for granted, and just didn't do enough in the relationship despite her telling me that there is nothing I could have done. That is absolute bullcrap. When things were good they were lovely and she was so happy, and I remember in the final few days before we broke up she was texting me a lot asking me what I was up to you (she always had an interest and got down when I wouldn't fill her in about my life) and I just didn't care. Treated her as I always did. She always wanted to see me and despite being totally free to do so, sometimes I wouldn't. I'm a total jerk and I don't deserve her, she deserves someone that will give her all the love I failed to. It's a lesson well and truly learned and something that I will never forget. I urge any one reading this that is in a relationship, that takes their partner for granted, has a 'grass is greener' attitude, to really think what it would be like if they suddenly upped and left you for good. You really REALLY don't know what you've got until it's gone.

Gonna wrap this up now. I've got absolutely no idea where I go from here. I really don't. We're still in contact (talk on MSN, text and the phone, although not too much) and she is being absolutely brilliant about it (hence why I love her so much, she's genuine) but I'm not sure what to do. We've tried cutting contact but it didn't work. The first time she contacted me after 3 days and the second time I contacted her after.. well, about 5 minutes . Being in contact is equally as difficult. It's hard for us, especially me, to just act like friends on MSN, the phone and via text and absolutely impossible to do it in person. The little things we used to say/do when together, that we no longer do I miss so much and I end up getting upset with her about it and it makes things worse. I know it's pathetic but I'm just being honest. It's a real crappy situation. I can't live with her as my friend, but I can't live without her either. Miss her too much and care/worry for her. Stuck in limbo. I just want her back and I would do anything for it to happen.

I should just point out that there is not another guy in this scenario. Do I know that for 100%? Of course not, but she's told me in no uncertain terms there isn't, and that if I really believe that then I obviously know and learnt very little about her in our time together.

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome to ATLF, glad that you joined us here. :)

I'm sorry that you are going through this rough time right now, breaking up is never a happy thing is it?

Have you tried to talk to her about what you told us here? That you know the break up was you fault, you took her for granted etc.? Maybe if you talk to her about it as you 2 still do chat, she may think differently. Maybe saying your sorry & if she decides to try again you will work on not doing the things that broke you 2 up again.

[toodlesoodles]

Thank you for the response.

Yeah I've spoken to her. I've told her that I took her for granted, things were my fault and it hasn't worked. To be absolutely fair I don't blame her, I said similar things eachtime we broke up. She said herself that things only ever change when we break up. The thing also though, is that she doesn't accept it's my fault. She says it's a two way thing, and even says that the last time we broke up was more her fault. She was a bit grumpy (a few Uni problems and such) which led to some arguments but again, I could have made more effort. As I said, I know her well and she was happy at times. I've said to her I wish I could go back to the week before the seperation so I could change things, she said it wouldn't have made a difference but that is pure rubbish. It's why I'm finding this so hard to take because I know we have the potential to be very happy.

It's what breaks my heart apart, the fact that although I know I've said it before, this time I mean it. Things would be different. In my heart of hearts I truly do know it would. Before I kind of always had a feeling we'd get back together, I was still taking her for granted. But being in the situation I am now, in real danger of losing her (that's me in denial, I already have if I am honest) has made me realise just how much she meant to me and how much I loved her. Make no mistake, if she gave me another chance I wouldn't mess it up.

:(

But as I've said, I've basically poured my heart out to her and made it absolutely crystal clear how I feel for her, and how much she means to me.

[MickeyDeanEveryone]

You're in quite a situation Toodles, but no worries...it is not an endless hole. First things first...if you two decide to break contact, do it! If she calls you after 3 days, do not pick up the phone for anything...give it some time, it is always a good thing.
Also, if you honestly feel that you have changed and will treat her right if given another chance, show her then instead of telling her. Don't go 100% and go nuts, that will scare her away...just casually hang out every so often and treat her the way you are saying that would love to treat her. Take her out for ice cream, give her a rose...tell her a joke and make her laugh. If things keep going well after a bit, surprise her and play the guitar and sing her a song or something. A little romance goes a long way sometimes :D

[**Sapphire**]

I agree with what Mickey told you toodles. They only way to show her that you have changed & want to is when you 2 hang out do little things for her. She will see the changes & hopefully want to try again after some time.

Give it time though, you both need to heal, since you 2 keep in contact it might be easy to slowly start to show her the changes.

[toodlesoodles]

Funny you should mention the guitar because I've been learning to play it for some time. :thumb:

You're right, perhaps I should try and show her. It's hard to not freak out though. I'll ask her to hang out for example, and I wish it'd just happen but she always says 'yeah we can, but you sure you're gonna be okay about, y'know, us being/acting friends?' and it just hurts me and makes me think there is no way anything can happen, even though she's said those kind of things when I've asked her to hang out during previous break-ups.

I think I could more easily try the 'showing her' thing if I was sure there is still enough between us for anything to happen if I put the effort in? As I've explained, she hasn't forced me to cut contact so it's not like she's driving me away although she did say that while we can still talk, she doesn't think it's a good idea if we see eachother for a while because it's hard, and it will increase our chances of being "close friends" in the future which I don't think is a good thing for her to say in terms of my chances of getting back with her. However, she has told me on more than one occassion that the break-up has nothing to do with her not finding me attractive any more because she still does, very much. The reasons she given are that she doesn't believe the relationship can/will work, her feelings have changed towards it (I've tried to get her to be less vague on this but she says that the other reasons I'm giving here are what makes up the fact her feelings have changed), things only change when we break up, she feels drained by how much we argued and that she wants to be on her own although I personally don't believe that last one.

[cgn]

Oh, man I feel like I just read my exact same story (gave me chills how similar things are)! My gf and I dated for 3 1/2 years from high school and she went to the same Uni as me, just for me although she could have gone to places way more prestigious. She broke up with me about 2 weeks ago and I have felt like it has been a dream ever since, and I will eventually wake up, but I never do (because i took her for granted and assumed she would always be there). I did the same things as you mentioned, ignoring her when all she wanted was to spend time with me. If anyone has ever taken a wonderful girl for granted I did! After the intial breakup all I could go was blame myself and think about how many things I did repeatidly that I was not proud of, and would do anything for another shot.
Eventually, a couple of days ago, I just "got real" about the whole thing. I realized what had been done had been done, and I am not going to have another chance with her with a clean slate like I had hoped for. As everyone always says, when a womans mind is made up, it is made up. But try just letting go, for a bit, as hard as it may seem. Think about all of the things that did not work between you too, maybe she wanted you so show her how much you loved her because she was not secure enough within to just know that she is special without you showing her all the time. Or maybe you have not found the true happiness within yourself, after all if you are not secure enough or happy enough with yourself, you will have trouble spreading that happiness to others. It seems this may have been our case. We both have not found ourselves yet, and we should not restrict ourselves from natural changes in our life, just so that we can continue to be the same people that we fell in love with. Do not forget that sometimes people can be right for each other and the love is there, but just the timing is off.
Also, I have struggled with the same thing that you have about thinking that there will never be anyone that will come close the her, but think about it, there are ALOT of people on this planet. In my case, she was my first love and I felt that no one could ever love me as much as her, but what makes a person strong is not being afraid of what we do not know. This is life, would you really want it to be easy if it could be? Challenging yourself to do things that you dont know you can do is what life is all about to me. And getting there should be half the fun, when you look back on it all.
I tried to show her how I had changed the same way that you hope to do, and I even got a 1 on 1 date with her. I did everything the way that i wish I had done all along and she still felt the same way about me, she "...loved me, but just did not feel the same way." Now you may have better luck than me and I hope that is the case.
Since you said you both attend a unversity I assume you are the same age as me (around 20), that means that we both have plenty of time to find someone special! Theres no need to rush, in fact im sure we will both be happily married one day a long time from now and give anything to be single and attend a university again! I just dont want you to be like I was and think that it is impossible to be happy with out her, anything can make us happy if we let it. You just have to "let go" of what was and use what you learned from this amazing person and put it to use with the next girl you find, and not make the same mistake twice.
What has helped me is knowing that everything will eventually change in ways that I dont want, but the only thing that will always be there is myself and the way I allow myself to feel about the changes. Grow from this experience as an individual so that eventually you will be stronger and more knowlegdeable about life, and you will not have to fight the neglect for your gf, it will just be natural to treat them the way they want to be treated.
I hope sharing my thoughts on my situation helps you analyze yours, and you find happiness and peace. Good Luck!

[toodlesoodles]

"I have felt like it has been a dream ever since, and I will eventually wake up, but I never do"

This is freaky. You said our situations sound very similar and then you go and say that, which is something I've said to the girl pretty much word for word. :surprised: It's exactly how it feels. Like this is all some sort of nightmare and that at any second I'll wake up and find a text from her on my phone telling me she loves me, just like old times. :(

I've spoken to her today and I'm now 100% certain that we won't be getting back together, or at least that me showing her i've changed won't work. I've got to accept it and move on. I've made my feelings for her 100% clear, she knows how much she means to me so if this girl is the one for me, and we are meant to be, it'll happen but I've just gotta get in to the frame of mind where I don't expect it to and I can be fine without her.

[cgn]

right on, my man!
Good luck, you will find happiness again, don't sweat it.

[**Sapphire**]

Sorry that things aren't going to work out the way you had hoped toodles, but at least you know for sure now & you are going to move on.

Best of luck to you & don't be a stranger, let us know how your doing.