a little frustrated...

[aussiecoffee007]

well, as most of you know im in a long distance relationship. i live in the USA, he lives in colombia. he is 6 years older than me. ive been feeling a bit frustrated for the following reasons... and yes, i have already talked to him about them... they are just still on my mind.

one is that i end up paying for everything, and i know im better off financially than he is and he doesnt have a credit card or anything like that nor means of income, but i am taking on 3 jobs to pay for our phone calls, trips, etc even though i go to school too, and he just goes to school. i know he works hard at that, but so do i, and i just get frustrated that im the one always paying for everything, and it doesnt seem quite fair to me. but i dont see another thing we can do... he doesnt really have much money to spare.

second is that i feel like he doesnt care as much about me as he does other people... i mean, he says he does, but like, if something happens to his mom he is worried SICK about her, for ages, until shes perfectly healed and healthy and happy and i dont feel like he extends the same care to me. if i have a health scare, he forgets about it the next day. he talks about his mom a lot, and i feel like he expects me to be like her, cuz hes the baby of his family, but im just... not. i just feel like he cares so much about all these things that happen to his friends, family, schoolmates, etc. and nothing about me... nothing that happens to me.

and third is probably stupid since were long distance, but i just feel sort of sexually frustrated with him. i feel like i want him much more than he wants me, and he doesnt really do/show/say anything that suggests that he wants me, really.. we used to get into all of these sexual conversations and stuff along that road and talk about how much we missed/wanted each other and all of the stuff you can imagine, but recently its really cut back... and i always seem to initiate it and he always seems to be tired or whatever. and whenever i start to bring up sexual stuff he changes the subject, although he says he doesnt.

and hes just generally unreliable... never calls when he says he will, he said he would look for a job here but he hasnt yet and he was planning to move in SEPTEMBER, i filled out 90% of his college apps because he asked me to (he did study for the tests, but still) and paid his application fees and he said he would get tested for STDs for my peace of mind four months ago and hasnt, and said he would buy his plane ticket to see me three weeks ago and hasnt, because he said he needs to get his mom with him because she needs to go to this agent to pay for it and she doesnt have time. so therefore he hasnt yet.

meh im just really frustrated with him right now and i dont know what to do :(

[**Sapphire**]

Since you have talked to him about this already, what has he had to say for himself Aussie?

Honestly, I see some huge warning bells here. If he is like this while you 2 are long distance, what do you think he will do when he's here with you? You 2 are living together etc.?

I see a pattern here that may not change when you 2 are together in real life. You being the giver & he taking everything he can from you.

I could be totally wrong here, but that's the impression I get from what you have told us here.

[BristolFan]

You don't know what to do? Well.. first of all.. Well done.. I think all of us here have gathered that the first few steps you've completed.. 1. You've spoken to him about them. 2. You've got it out in the open, let it out, got it all written down - collected all your thoughts together.. I think they are two of the most important steps to solving an issue.. Some outlet (not necessarily this place of course) but you've achieved that.. So we're already half way there aussie (:

Now.. You've spoken to him.. Telling him you feel this way, and then having the issues dropped/let go doesn't complete work.. In a relationship - when one feels frustrated, they should talk to the other, communicate well.. You've done that, that's great - on your part.

However, the issues are obviously still there, and he hasn't put your mind to rest, or really given any proper reasons/excuses I'm guessing.. But i'm assuming the topics have now been dropped.. You can't force someone to do something, including talk, but this relationship is two way - you have to make him see this..

Tell him that Actions speak louder than words.. If he wants to prove things -GET THEM DONE. to stop making excuses or laying back and that if he wants you and him to work, then he has to be prepared to commit, make sacrifices, and start taking responsibility.. He can't really on you.. I think I see where you were going with his mum, he's spoilt, expects everything done for him, wants to be carried..

The small things count, because they pile up and can frustrate people and ruin a relationship.. Speak to him again, and tell him that he has to prove himself to you, you can't do everything for him, that he needs to start taking responsibility and acting as an adult..

When things frustrate you, don't just tell him your frustrated once.. Don't take his 'sorrys' if he's always saying them and repeating the same thing (like the calls bit)

'Why didnt you call? You said you would.' 'Yeah, sorry, i was too busy'..
If your response is always 'Ahh ok, no worries' or 'Okay no problem' of course he will carry on doing it.. I can understand it sometimes, but if he can't guarentee he'll call, either he should make sure you know he might be too busy too, OR.. DON'T SAY HE WILL!

Sounds to me like he has issues and needs to do some growing up..
But I think you need to be less soft.. Don't give into him so easily..

Make him do job applications and stuff, tell him you want to see him doing some, if he says you don't trust him do, tell him you just want the best for you two, and that he needs to try and find a job and sort himself out..

Make him prove himself to you, make him communicate with you properly, and when you have issues - don't drop the issues UNTIL THEY ARE SORTED..

You're giving into him, giving him what he wants, letting him do nothing and you do everything.. He's taking advantage, and will continue to do so, the longer you let it go on - THE WORSE IT WILL GET.

Stop it now, before it's too late..

All the best.. Keep us updated.. You know we all care (:

[aussiecoffee007]

no, he hasnt put my mind to rest at all actually... hes just made me more and more confused. its not even just the small things... i mean its pretty big things. like i started to make this mental list of things that he hasnt done that he says he will... and ive even said that to him, like actions speak louder than words, and at the time he agrees with me and he says, i know i know, i need to do this, and then he still doesnt. so i dotn really know what to do with that. but i do take too much care of him, and i feel like i give everything blah blah blah and i know he doesnt have any money to put into the relationship, adn i feel like i knew that getting into it, but its just i feel like... i give everythign emotionally as well, am always caring about him, but he doesnt extend the same.. i mean, he gets into his moods where hes like, but how was your day, etc. but those dont come around too often.

and i SOO dont tell him im frustrated just once... i mean, with the whole phone calls thing, i keep nagging him and getting mad everytime until we are both like, im so sick of this, and so i say, just why cant you CALL ON TIME and then he says he will try. he does better for a week or so, and then it goes back down again... and he starts calling later and later... when he says, oh sorry i couldnt call, (although he doesnt even say sorry), i get mad and ask why he can never call on time, and i was busy and now ii dont have time, etc. he just gets very defensive and says that things happen beyond his control.

im leaving the job applications to him, and i can see how far thats got me... hes been saying he would go look for one for more than a week now and hasnt started... and hes supposed to come here in september? yeah right. he just always asks for my help and expects me to do things and stuff, and he just never does ANYTHING that he syas he will do... stuff that he knows is really important to me... and then i feel like im nagging him all the time to do stuff, and he feels that way too.

he says he got a job today in his country fo ra while, and his first paycheck is going to me... but even that wont cover stuff... and who knows if hes actually going to...

how do i get him to prove himself to me? i want that so badly... but he just doenst seem motivated. cuz ive said that many times to him, that i cant do everything and if he wants to come here he will find a way, and he just says i know i know and gets all quiet.

[MickeyDeanEveryone]

Well to keep my answer short and be brutally honest, he sounds totally irresponsible and lazy. If that were a girl on my part I would have nothing to do with her just because I am goal driven and enjoy being around people who are going the distance as well.
Just the fact that you are filling out his college aps tells you something, just ridiculous in my honest opinion. I am not doubting that he is a really nice guy, but he doesn't seem like someone who will go anywhere.

[**Sapphire**]

I agree with Mickey. I don't think there is any way that you can get him to prove himself to you either Aussie.

If he is depending on you to do everything & is very lazy/lax about getting things done for himself & you. I don't think there's any other way that you can show him that he needs to be more motivated.

You've talked to him, nagged him, but he's not "getting it", he's contining on the way it seems he's always been. This isn't something he started with being with you, he's most likely been this type of person for many years, possibly his whole life. If that's the case, he may never see that he needs to be more motivated & do for himself. So, if you were to stick it out with him for the long haul, YOU would be the 1 doing everything & he would be sitting back doing much of nothing. Not very fair to you I say.

He may be a nice guy, but you can't build a life long relationship on "nice guy".

[aussiecoffee007]

well, so we had another talk about it last night... i dont know, it was a hard fight, but now he seems to be doing things... he paid for the rest of the credits to call me which is a lot of money for him... he called about the job and has an interview with this matching company thing on monday... he talked to hsi professor... and he promised he would get tested before he comes in june, and he was searching places yesterday.

and see like now, i feel like he might start doing things... cuz this has just been a day and at teh end of this fight, i said, i want to stop hearing the empty words, and he said, i know that you feel that way so i will just have to show you that im being serious, and we just sort of left it at that...

i know hes CAPABLE of being on his own, thats what makes me most frustrated, he lived on his own for 6 months here and got a job and did all that, and so... i dont know, hopefully he will be here

[**Sapphire**]

Well hopefully he finally realized that he can't depend on you for everything that he needs to make things happen for himself as well.

Keep us posted on if he continues what he has started a bit Aussie.