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View Full Version : Confused and need some help/advice please


paul01984
03-27-2009, 06:39 PM
This is kinda complicated and long so bare with me please. So there is this girl that i met online about 18 months ago. She found me on myspace, and decided to send me a message. We started to talk and became really great friends. She's been in and out of a few bad relationships. There was one guy in particular who just kept screwing her over. She ended up joining the army last Feb to try and stay away from him. She ended up having to come back home for a funeral over the summer and hooked up with him again. After that a month later she came back home for about 3 weeks because she had graduated boot camp and basic. They were together again. Then when she was going back he did usually crap to her telling her she was no good for him, and she's the reason his life is screwed up. So she goes back to Missouri, and starts dating another guy like immediately. Then a few weeks later around the first part of Sept. she finds out she's pregnant. Some stuff happens to her in the army and she gets out and comes back home to VA in December. I go and visit her in January (we live about 4 hrs apart) and stay for a few days. This is the first time I've really gotten to hang out with her, just me and her. So on the drive back I'm like hating having to leave there, and I'm telling myself that "We're just friends, nothing more." Then looking back at some of the comments and things she's said to me I started to wonder if she was into me.

Then all the sudden outta nowhere it hit me, that I really care about her a lot, and really want a relationship with her. So I go back and forth on what to do and what to say. So I sent her a message on myspace telling her how I felt. Keep in mind she was still trying to have a relationship with the other guy, but I told her anyways. About 3 days go by, and I don't hear from her. Then I sent her another message saying fine whatever don't talk to me anymore, spend the rest of your life with that loser ect. After that I feel really bad and keep apologizing and trying to get her to talk to me. Won't respond to anything, blocks me on myspace and cuts off all contact. We don't talk for about 5 weeks. Those 5 weeks seemed like an eternity, and was the worst experience I've ever had in my life. It was almost unbearable at times. Well finally I get a message from her sister on Feb28 saying she's in a halfway house. I'm like wtf is going on. Her sis was like call her asap she doesn't care what time you call. So I called her, and we talked but not about what was said between us, but about what he'd done to her this time. Anyways, skip ahead to now. She's definitely done with him, and he's getting put in jail on multiple charges. Now I know she isn't ready for a relationship yet. Still aways away from that, but she knows how I feel about her now, and I want to tell again and bring it up. Oh and there is this other guy who keeps trying to date her and get her to move in with him. She is like no I don't wanna relationship with anyone right now. I need to focus on the baby and getting things straight. He just keeps at it and it ****** her off.

So, obviously I know the time isn't right for me to bring that up. We talk through phone, aim, text everyday for at least 2 hours. It just sucks like last nights conversation was about the other guy trying his crap again. She will say when I decide to date again my criteria is going to be way different and if the right person comes along then we'll see. Then she lists out her criteria of stuff like "he's gotta come from a good family, parents still married, license to drive a car, have a car, a job, no convictions and a likes children. I'm thinking well that describes me. I also just noticed and I don't know if it means anything but she didn't say anything about the guy having his own place, which is the one thing I don't have yet. So I guess I should just sit back and keep waiting right? And does the thing about her not mentioning the apartment or house mean anything, or am I just over analyzing? Any feedback will be greatly appreciated thanks in advance. Or if you need more info let me know.

lisa843
03-27-2009, 06:52 PM
welcome


yeah a little more info would be good. How old are you and how old is she?
from what you wrote so far...it sounds like she really does need to get her life together....especially since now there is a chid involved....
Also, it sounds like she is using you...kinda like a "stand by" or just a shoulder to cry on....kinda like how some women put men in the "friend zone"??

Not sure....but that's my take on it.

oh yeah...a few questions for you: What is it really that you see in this girl? What is it about her that you think is worthy of a relationship with you??
Do you really think she even knows what it is that she really wants?? Do you?? Are you really ready for that "instant family" and all the responsibilities that go along with that??

**Sapphire**
03-27-2009, 06:58 PM
Welcome to ATLF, glad that you joined us here. :)

Well I say if you care about her & think she is worth it, then wait until she is ready for a relationship. Seems to me that she has gone through a whole heck of a lot of drama so she needs time to refocus & also be with her child or prepare for the birth.

I agree with what Lisa said in that are you ready for a ready made family? Do you think you can wait it out for her until she makes up her mind? Where would you go from there if she find another man?

paul01984
03-27-2009, 07:44 PM
Yea I have no problem waiting for her. I don't mind that at all. I'm 25 and she's 21. I love kids and am ready to settle down. Me and her click on every level. The chemistry is there. We make each other laugh. I also feel like I can really trust her in a relationship. I know she's finally gotten it together about him and is done with him for good now. There are a couple of other guys that want to date her but she continues to turn them down, and it just frustrates her when they keep after her, which is why I haven't brought anything up yet. I know she isn't ready for that, and didn't expect her to be for quite some time. She has some stuff she needs to get straightened out but she's getting there. Plus I visited her 2 weeks ago during spring break for a whole week. I was going to just be for two days but it turned into a week. I was gonna leave and then told her no I'll stay one more day. Then she had a doctors appointment on Friday to get a new ultrasound, and she told me she wished I could still be there to go with her to that. So I ended up staying. We talk about baby names together. We've actually decided on a first name and have it down to about 5 for a middle name. I was really surprised she spent every night with me while i was visiting. She spent the first night but said she probably wouldn't stay anymore after that. She always ended up staying(we didn't sleep together). I care about her more than I've ever cared about anyone else. It wasn't until I lost her for that month plus that I really realized it. I just wish I would have realized it sooner now.

lisa843
03-27-2009, 09:49 PM
well good for you. As long as you are happy with all that....that's what matters.

Don't worry over should haves, etc. Just make the most of what you have and are doing now...

good luck, take care. keep us posted. :)

BristolFan
03-28-2009, 09:16 AM
he has no problem waiting for her to be ready for a relationship..

Thing is.. just because she's ready for one, doesn't mean she'll be ready for one with you (remember, youre a close friend and you live far away)

Would you really want her to go out with you, just because you 'qualify' all the things on that list.. It's not about what they have, material things and stuff, it should mainly be who they are, how you feel about them, how they treat you etc.etc.

You'd want her to WANT a relationship with YOU right?! Because she wants one, and has feelings for you.. You don't want her to want a relationship with ANYBODY WHO QUALIFIES (which includes you)

yes?!

Just be careful.. Don't spend all your time thinking/wondering about her, and keep your eye open for other girls (because I bet she isn't *waiting* till you two can be together aswel, right?)

So yeah, have some fun, relax, meet new people, keep your eyes open..
And good luck