How to deal with it

[Agrippa]

So my fiance and I used to work together, that is how we met, on the job. I was not very happy at the job and left to start my own business (and I am much happier now so that is good). My fiance "Nancy" is good friends with a lot of her co-workers who used to be my co-workers whom I do not particularly care for. So Nancy likes to go to work parties or weddings etc., I do not, in fact I would just like to cut out of my life all of those ex-coworkers that she is still friends with. Nancy knows that I do not like going to these functions, but she really wants me to go and she tells me that they all like me etc., so I go because I love Nancy and I want her to be happy. It is very uncomfortable for me, especially with the boss there, and a lot of people that again I just would rather not associate with. It compounds matters when my ex - boss comes up to Nancy and me and starts talking and touching Nancy's arm kind of flirting with her. Nancy does not understand that I seriously want to explode and really lay into her boss about the touching and what a jerk I thought he was etc. Same goes for this new guy Nate that I have been hearing a lot about since he works with Nancy on the same projects. I was introduced to this kid and he and Nancy kind of playfully flirt.. its not overt, but I pick up on this stuff very easily. I just do not want to be there and I guess I am just really jealous, but it makes me feel betrayed and makes me wonder what is going on at the office you know. Nancy lives with me, and after the party I have kind of turned her the cold shoulder. I don't know if I should bring it up as an issue, or just let it go. It just makes me feel like I should be out there working it with some other girls. This has actually made me consider calling off the wedding.. so it is pretty serious. The hard part is that I know I am overreacting, but I can't ignore the anger that I feel. Go ahead and tell me how stupid I am acting.. maybe that is what I need to hear.

[Penguin_Woman]

Well, your not stupid. I understand the jealous thing, I'm the jealous type too. What you need to do is sit down with Nancy and calmly explain things to her. Tell her you aren't comfortable associating with these people. Tell her it hurts you when she seems to flirt with these guys. It's kinda early right now...so I may come back to you on this, or one of our other great members will.

[summit]

As you stated her co-workers are also friends, so in my opinion your being a little too jelous, what do you want her to do, give up her co-workers(good friends) because you do not like them? what are your reasons? Its not something that seems to fair to me given I have seen no real reason for your feeling towards these co-workers other than a friendly touch or some innocent flirting, if this touching/flirting bothers you then its Nancy that needs to take action, not your co-workers, she needs to set the boundries, but she lets it happen, even in front of you, so this tells me she does not see this as a problem.

If you do not like being around these people then don't go, and explain this to her so she would understand why you do not wanna go, but in my opinion its not fair to ask her to stop seeing her friends/co workers when they have done nothing other than you don't like them.

Also you mentioned giving her a cold shoulder, but that you did not bring up the issue yet, does she know why your giving her the cold shoulder?

Have you communicated to her that you do not like the flirting, do not like her co-workers, do not like the touching with the boss? Does she know this?

[aussiecoffee007]

i wouldnt worry about being overly jealous, i think all of us can be pretty jealous sometimes. at least for me, its my worst fault. but dont let it get the best of your relationship--this would be a different story if you had perhaps talked to her about how it made you feel and see what her rxn is--perhaps she just doesnt realize/understand how it makes you feel. and in that case, you need to let her know so that she can choose what to do about it. but on teh other hand, these people are her friends and such, so you cant really ask her to start ignoring them or stop hanging out with them. if she is flirting with the other guys, i woudl defintiely just talk to her about that, about how you rxt to it and such, and she can stop since she will then at least be aware of how she acts around the people and how it affects you. but i wouldnt call off the wedding or anything... if i were you, that is.

[Agrippa]

Thanks for your advice. It was just a matter of talking to her about it. I did and now we are all good. I just had to get some things off my chest. I have talked to her about flirting before and how it makes me mad, but I guess I hadn't been explicitly clear with her in my expectations. She claims ignorance to all of it. That she is just being friendly and polite, which I can understand. I told her that if the she and the boss have a relationship where he touches her or vice versa that it needs to stop. She is engaged to me now and that it is inappropriate. I also told her that if it happened again after she told him to stop, to file a sexual harassment complaint against him, which she agreed to do.
I just explained to her that I can tolerate her talking to other guys, but no touching or teasing type flirting allowed. I am glad that I brought it up. I didnt bring it up because I didn't want to look weak like it had gotten the best of me. But she was very understanding. Looks like the wedding is still on :) .

[aussiecoffee007]

that is such good news! im very happy for you. communication is the key :) im glad she was understanding too...