how to break up with a clingy person?

[aussiecoffee007]

how do you end things nicely with a really realyl clingy person without being mean or by staying friends and such? there is this guy that thinks we are dating, but i am involved with someone else, but he always brings up our "kids" and marriage and he'll move back in 8 years (hes foreign) etc. etc. but i have zero feelings for him. hes a nice guy though and i dont want to hurt him. what should i do...?

[Penguin_Woman]

Tell him "Listen, I like you...your a nice guy and all. But, I am involved with someone else right now. I would like to be your friend, but you need to stop talking about our kids and all."

There really isn't any way to tell him without hurting him, all you can do is be as nice as possible and hope for the best.

[lisa843]

gently but firmly...DON'T lead them on...BUT be honest. Tell them ...you do not want to hurt them...BUT....you are not interested and that you are involved with someone else therefore it would be disrespectful to your S.O. to continue talking with them. Tell them you need to go your seperate ways...it is for the best.

[~Teej~]

I agree with Goldie. If he cannot understand that you just want to be his friend and you are happy with someone else and have no intention of being anymore than friends with him. Then maybe you should just let him know that if he can't except being just your friend that maybe it is time you go your seperate ways.

[mashmac]

Well - does he know you are seriously involved with someone else? If not - tell him but in any case also tell him that it makes you feel uncomfortable to talk about kids, the future when clearly you are focused on another person. I know you don't want to hurt him but try and tell him nicely: Look, I am in love with another man...we can be friends but don't expect more from me and if it's too painful for you to just be my friend, I understand and I am sorry about it but don't hope for more because I can't give you more.

How come he thinks you are dating?

[aussiecoffee007]

well, i am a really serious dater, and my boyfriend now (some time has passed since i wrote that message), the guy i was seeing... lives really far away. and i was unsure of how much to give to that relationship, to avoid getting hurt if theres no way we could see each other, so he just said, you can date other people etc etc and im a really serious dater as aforementioned so i never got the chance to be single and just "date" guys... so i tried with this guy, but the feelings for me ended in about a week, i realized i was completley in love with this other guy, my boyfriend now, no matter where he lived. i know, i told him i was seeing someone else and he just siad, "but im in love with you!" and i said, "but youve only known me for a few months" and he said "its enough to tell." it was incredibly awkward.
now, he keeps hanging around but vanishing quickly, looks depressed all the time... then he started emailing my boyfriend about what hes "feeling". its sort of weird.

[EC]

One of the worst thing you can do to a man is string him along whether or not it's out of your nice intention of not wanting to hurt him.

Be calm, be understanding, and be honest, he has to know that he can go on with his life without having to have you to validate his existence.

[aussiecoffee007]

i know, thats why i wanted to stop stringing him along.. when it became obvious i only had feelings for my boyfriend, i didnt want to lead him on... and i ended it but he syas he wont date anyone else anyway because he doesnt like anyone but me :confused:

[~Teej~]

That's not your fault hun..You can't help who you like..He needs to move on..he can either sit there and be upset about not being with you or he can move on and get out there and meet someone else. Try not to worry about it and concentrate on your relationship with the man you want to be with.

[Lorna]

Well, maybe you should have told him you were seeing soemone else some time before..
I think oyu should try to see him and speak with him about it, and tell him you are sorry it ended up like that, but that you wish him well and to try to go on with his life, and to forget about you two being together.
His feeling for oyu were genuate and he cannot do for loving you still. That kind of things cannot be decided upon.
So he will need time. To meet with friends and meet another girl.
Maybe you could fix him with someone..:rolleyes:
to get his head off your case.
If you want him as a friend then invite him out with your current bf, so that he can face the facts, and it will help him out of his misery, also to still be your friend. It could be many reasons for his behaviour but the most obvious is that he was really serious about the 2 of you, had made plans and all, and told all his friends and family about it, so it isnt easy for him.. he feels like a failure, thats why.
And he has only you to talk about it to..as you are the alone one in his world who know it all.
He must also know that you are with another and that he shouldnt try to contact you either and this add even more to the feeling of failure and of being all alone with it.
So try to have compassion, invite him out to have fun, togehter with your current bf, and other friends you have, give him some good caring, friendly one, and help him to see the ligth.
It could be a greate friendship, but he has to pass that door step. Give him a hand to do so, and he will be always gratefull that you did.
He doesnt seems to be clingy at all, just hurted and left alone..:(

Thats never funny. It could ahve been the opposit situation, so do to him what you will ahve like him to do for you, had you been in his shoes, and that should work wonder! ;)

[aussiecoffee007]

i tried setting him up with someone else, but he refused, he said he will wait for me. and im in a LDR so hanging out with my boyfriend is impossible. and i didnt mention the super clingy, but yes, he really really was.

[Lorna]

Then thats going to be hard if he is really going to wait, like years! :(
It doesnt sounds like there is anything you can do for that guy.

What is LDR? :confused:

[~Teej~]

Long distance relationship hun :) x

[nsxcorvette]

Can you just stop taking his calls and let him forget about you and figure it out on his own?

[aussiecoffee007]

no i dont want to do that it seems too mean... plus we go to school together so its pretty much impossible to avoid him...

[~Teej~]

Sometimes you do have to be mean though for people to get the hint though Aussie, it is sad but true :(

Or you could always try to find him a girlfriend or introduce him to your boyfriend when he is over..which I believe is soon..you must be getting excited

[aussiecoffee007]

hehe wellll meerkat now that you mention it, my boyfriend just came to the US a few days ago, and hes all safe adn in my country but on the other side :( he comes to see me in less than a month! im more or less freaking out :)

its just that i was this guys first girlfriend, and he said i was his first love, so i dont want to create this horrible memory of what a bad person i was for being so mean in trying to dump him... and now he is dating my friend but HE TOLD ME it was just to make me jealous, pretty much, so now im at a loss again :confused:

[~Teej~]

OMG that's more complicated than I thought...Why can't things ever be simple.

I guess you can hope that things work out with him and your friend

[aussiecoffee007]

i guess so, but it feels weird to know that hes using my FRIEND just to make me jealous... or if hes really starting to like her... or how to tell the difference?

[~Teej~]

It's an awkward situation...If she's a close friend tell her what he is doing.

He should really get the hint and go away though..You are with someone else so he should know you don't want him.

[aussiecoffee007]

shes not a close friend, shes a mutual friend but were not that close, but i know shes very jealous of me because of our past... so i dont want her to think im trying to break them up for my own selfihs desires or something, if that makes sense...

[Penguin_Woman]

Yeah, I think I understand what your saying. I'm thinking you may have to be blunt with him. I know you don't want to hurt him, but he's not getting gentler hints

[aussiecoffee007]

i know, these foreign guys dont get subtle american hints that i think are wildly obvious :)
i just hate being mean to someone that i used to be with, especially since its not like we had a bitter breakup and i think he still thinks of me well but i want to keeeep it that way :)

[Penguin_Woman]

I didn't say be mean...just...firm

[aussiecoffee007]

how do i know the line between mean and firm?

[Penguin_Woman]

Mean is telling him to go away leave you alone and screw off. heh Firm is telliing him there will never be anything between you two and your sorry but that's how it is

[aussiecoffee007]

eh i said that, pretty much exactly, and he was all like, "but im in love with you" and i said, "im sorry" and then he didnt talk to me for a long while :(

[~Teej~]

Jus keep telling him that, He will listen in the end..

[aussiecoffee007]

haha well if he were still speaking to me, id tell him ;)