PDA

View Full Version : Looking for a Little Insight


wiggles
04-12-2007, 12:27 AM
Hi All,

I'm new, I'll post in introductions later.

To get any kind of insight I feel I should give you a little back story, so here goes.

After losing my job in one hotel (they closed up) I moved (to live in) another hotel owned by the same people. This is where I met this girl. It would often get a bit boring in my room so I'd go and talk to the people who were working. After a while I found myself spending her whole 8 hour shift talking with her. We started going out as friends and gradualy we became a couple.

The bosses didn't approve but they accepted it (they had very little choice they were rarely there), although she (strictly) wasn't allowed in the hotel when she wasn't working, which resulted in many early departures for her. This sneaking around got too much for both of us and we both quit. Unfortunatly this meant me moving back in with my parents which was almost two hours drive away and I don't drive.

The flat I'd been living in we'd treated like our own place and after we lost that if we were to sit in watching TV we'd be doing it with her or my parents and the only privicy we got was our bedrooms, with parents next door.

After I quit I had trouble finding a new job, the money trickled away, and we became less able to go out together.

When we first got together she said that after her last boyfriend she'd really wanted to live the single life for a while but that I made her doubt how much she really wanted to be single.

Our weekends became boring as we did nothing and she began to get a taste for the single life again. I got a job and was going to start getting money in again, but she ended it citing the reason "I want to be single". But we agreed to stay in touch and stay friends.

I had a hard time coming to terms with the news and our relationship became a bit of a rollercoaster as I went from needy, to understanding, to desperate. And finding no-one but her who I could confide in about my feelings I (in no malicious way) think I upset her making her feel rather guilty at times.

Eventually we got to a point where we were able to treat each other as friends. I still had feelings for her but I wanted to keep her as a friend more than I wanted her as a girlfriend.

Anyway one night I got a text asking if I'd like to meet up for an Indian and some drinks as friends.

When I got to her house (her parents were away on holiday) I put my stuff in the spare room and we went out. After getting back having a few more drinks (although neither of us were very drunk) and watching some TV, we went to bed. I said goodnight and went into the spare room, silently congratulating myself on how well I'd coped at being just friends. I start getting changed when she comes into the room puts her arms around my waist and kisses me. We then have sex.

The next morning we're both acting like friends again. We've texted each other about it since and she says she doesn't want to be anymore than friends.

Like I say I'm looking for some insight, I keep thinking that maybe it's not that she wants to be single but she doesn't want a long distance relationship, or that trying to keep a long distance relationship with me is too hard for her.

I don't know, but I know I still love her, I think of her all the time, everything reminds me of her, even songs that weren't out when we were together. I even find myself doing gestures I remember her doing in the same way.

I'm sorry, excuse the ramblings of a lovesick fool.

Tuxie
04-12-2007, 09:33 AM
Welcome wiggles to ATLF! :)

Mostly, I wanted to offer an introduction... also to let you know that I'm thinking about your post. I'll try to get back to it soon. If not me, one of our excellent members will. :D

Penguin_Woman
04-12-2007, 11:17 AM
Never apologise, say whatever you need to. :) As for your situation...well seems to me it was either a one-time thing just because she was in the mood and you were available. Or it could be that she's wanting to be friends with benefits. If that's the case I'd advise against that because you still have feelings for her and you'll only hurt yourself.

I think you may need to distance yourself some from her. She seems to be using you, just to have someone around that cares while she gets to go out still and party and be single. I know you love her and want to be near her in whatever way you can. But truly you'd be better off just walking away until she decides what it is she wants. Then you need to decide if you want to be that and if you can. Good luck, keep us updated

aussiecoffee007
04-12-2007, 03:53 PM
i also think she is using you in some way or another, i think she truly does like being single but misses the comfort of having someone love her all the time. i think you need some distance, too, until she figures out what exactly she wants from you and the relationship and if she keeps telling you she wants to be friends, to be single, you have to take that into account, put that ABOVE the sex and stuff... because the sex could just be her weakness, flaw, whatever... but if even after that she wants to stay friends, i think you need some distance and stay friends...

wiggles
04-12-2007, 10:59 PM
Thanks for the advice so far, it's been helpful.

However we already have distance living so far apart. I'm really not sure what to do. Part of me thinks cutting off all contact with her for a while would be sensible (we're still keeping in contact via text IM and email pretty much daily), but I also don't want to cut her off for fear I might lose her completly. She still is my world and I can't see a future without her.

I hate this feeling.

Anyway thanks all for the advice so far.

aussiecoffee007
04-13-2007, 03:32 PM
I'm talking about emotional distance, because dont i know it, physical distance cant stop your feelings...
I think you definitely need to take a break from her, maybe not completely if you feel you cant do it, but texting daily keeps you leashed to her while she is free to do whatever she feels like. as if she is keeping you for a contingency. she has to figure out how she feels, and if you need to give her space for that, then thats your best shot at being with her again. i wouldnt say lose contact completely, but i think definitely letting her make up her own mind without all of your feelings wholeheartedly in the situation is a good idea. (am i making any sense?) but perhaps you just need to detach.

wiggles
04-16-2007, 09:44 PM
Thanks Aussie, you did make a lot of sense.

I went the whole weekend without randomly texting her!!!

Although I now keep slipping into a paranoid phase. Just before she dumped me she met up with her ex-boyfriend for a night out. She said there was no-one else. Then today she told me that last weekend she and her parents went out with him and she and him were up all night talking. I don't believe there's going on but it's easy to slip into that paranoid frame of mind when I'm missing her :(

Anyway that wasn't the reason for this post. I need yet more advice:- It's her birthday in a month, I'd planned what I'd get her before we split up. One item was definately bf -> gf type but the other was not necessarily. So should I even get her the second one?

aussiecoffee007
04-17-2007, 01:18 AM
yeah that whole thing with her ex just seems to me, at least, to be toying with you... like, you want me and cant have me, sort of thing. perhaps she is trying to tell you she is playing the field so you dont get too attached?.. i dont know, just ideas. id say go ahead and give her the none gf-bf present, presents are always appreciated :)

joehash
06-12-2007, 04:00 PM
Wow, it sounds like my last relationship. The girl and I have on again off again going for a while, and she told me she just wanted to be friends. So I tried hard and did well, and felt really glad that I could cope with just being friends. Then the girl starts to like me again and we went out and broke up and now we're not friends. It makes me sad that she couldn't make up her mind or do what she said, but props to you for being just friends with her. I however would be weary about ever getting into a relationship with her, if she wants in the future.

mashmac
06-12-2007, 09:41 PM
You can't be friends with your ex if you still have romantic feelings. It just doesn't work cause you will always want more. And we've all been lovesick fools I guess.

aussiecoffee007
06-12-2007, 10:31 PM
yeha mashmac, if both of you are totally over the relationship and romantic feelings you cant be friends quite yet... nad it doesnt happen immediately, it takes a bit of time to heal, so i wouldnt push a friendship too quick after a break up, it didnt work for me either :(