I am absolutely in the biggest mess of my life *long*

[Shortie]

I am new here, and I guess my only reason to join was so I could get this out somehow.

I'm 20 years old, and I've been married for 2 years. I obviously got married young- and I think I did it for all the wrong reasons. I realise this now, ofcourse back then I was oblivious to all this, or atleast I pretended to be. :sigh:

I like to tell people that my husband and I got married because he was in the military, getting married was really the only way for us to stay together. Which, is pretty true because you know, ofcourse we were inlove and the military keeps us apart. But I also married him because I was afraid and burnt from the past and I thought that if I could find one man who would love me for me, I would always be happy. I realise now that instead of running to love, I ran away from it. And by doing so, I've trapped us both.

My husband is a beautiful, loving, caring, wonderful man. And frankly, we work great together. We are not the average young couple- we are very mature and think alike and have huge ambition for the future. I think we work so well together because in the 2 years we have been married, and the 3 and a half we have been together- he has been deployed for over half of that time (and you end up with a more meaningful relationship. Normal quarrels seem petty etc.).

Unfortunately, all the deployments take a toll on the relationship too. We had no wonderful honeymoon period, he got deployed just after we started dating, and then again just after we got married. He is also deployed right now, and even when he is at home- everything is about his work. Weekdays, weeknights, weekends, holidays. It's always about the Army.

Our sex life is crap. There is none. Funny how his deployment makes no change to our sex life- lol there never was one. :( Not for the lack of trying anyway.

So thats a short outlook on our very complicated relationship. But heres the thing.

I love him with every single fiber of my being. Every single part. I have been through hell and back FOR him and I would do it over just to make him happy. But, I have fallen out of love with him. It happened awhile ago, after the second deployment- but I just put it down to all the deployment crap. It never got better, but I didn't want to deal with it so I lied to myself.

Now that he is deployed again (only left a few weeks ago)- I know that I can't ignore this. However, I never want to hurt him. I'd rather put my own happiness on the line than hurt him. I do love him so much. He is my best friend.

But I know that by lying to myself, and to him, I'm only hurting us both. But if you have ever been in my position, you know the truth doesn't make it any easier. I'm not a cold hearted person, so this is eating me up.

But what can I do? Tell him now and leave him broken hearted and in tatters in Iraq? Or let him believe for a year that everything is going to be perfect when he gets back? Either way, it's wrong. Either way, I'm going to rip his heart out. I never wanted that, nor do I ever want to do that.

My god, am I in a mess or what? I just don't know what to do. I don't know what I should do. All I know is that I'm in the wrong here, and I don't want to hurt him.

And what if I make a mistake? What if it really is just this army bull**** and he really is my soul mate? What if I left him and regretted it? There is no easy answer, I know this. But I'm so scared and confused.

:sigh:

I hope someone can relate to me somehow. But also, I hope nobody does, I don't like the thought of others being in this much anguish.

It's just so hard.

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome to ATLF shortie, I'm glad that you joined us here. :)

WOW...it does seem like your in a situation here. At this time I don't know what would be the best course of action for you. My normal advice would be to talk to him, but it's probably hard to contact him while he's deployed.

Is it hard to contact him while he's deployed? If not, maybe see if you 2 can set aside some time to talk generally about your marriage. Maybe let him know how you have been feeling in regards to him putting the Army first & when he his home, you just don't feel wanted or even missed. Then maybe depending on how that goes you can go from there & make a better decision to say goodbye while he's away or stay married until he comes back.

[rubybliel]

Ohh dear, that is such a shame :( I believe that it is crucial to decide what you most want and need with regards to your marriage, but I completely empathise with not wanting to hurt his feelings especially when he is in Iraq :( It is totally normal for you to want to be loved and appreciated every day and that really makes the deployment a problem.

I agree with Sapphire about contact being a necessary first step to making the decision which only the pair of you can make :( If you stay married my best advice would be to counter the problems of his deployment by sending parcels, and lots of letters to him telling him how much you love him (he will love receiving them) in bright coloured envelopes. That would make being somewhere like Iraq being so much more tolerable, knowing you love him and are thinking of him.

[Enna]

Hello my dear. I'm new here too, but I'll do my best to help you with an opinion. If you really love him and if you think that he may be your soul mate it would be such a stupid thing breaking up with him...
You said that he is very caring and loving - I believe it's pretty hard to find men like this these days. Is only the army stuff that stays between you two? If so, I think you can find some solutions.
Do you know how much this thing will last? Also, think in perspective - is it worth-wille to spend 1,2 crappy years apart and next you may have this wonderful life with your perfect man? Don't throw away this chance.
In my country if you have a flat sole (sorry but I don't know the medical term in English) you are exempt from army...and there is a list with all kind of diseases...I don't know but it would be a solution. Hope I'm not wrong.

[daisychip]

I almost started out my response as if I would be talking to my child but I am going to try to refrain from that but believe me it is gonna be hard.

I would hope that you will let him live in fantasy while he is in Iraq, not talk to him of your feelings AT ALL, and wait for him to return home. You had this time in between these two deployments to talk of some feelings you were having and he could've had the time and oppurtunity to hear you and try to be part of the solution for you but you did not. Now that he is how many miles away, does NOT have the time OR oppurtunity you are thinking of how unfair it is to live the lie? You are trying to take the easy way out and I for one will not in any way say it's the right thing to do. A year is a mere drop in the bucket of time and I believe you should be the ever-loving wife, sending him nothing but positive vibe until he is home. Then.......

Just because the years have changed doesn't mean men's feelings have changed.......no one wants to receive a Dear John/Jane letter so far away from home.

I'm sorry if I seem abrupt, really! You sound like a good person that needs to do the good thing. IMO......that is the good thing.

If you would like a tough mother feel to my response, go ahead and insert the phrases...."you will" and "you will not" in the approppriate places......lol.

[Gonz]

Look, i'm going to give my point of view which is to the point and on the face. The real thing here is that you are acting from lack. You are afraid of life and love and just hiding yourself in a relationship that doesnt go anywhere. You have to put yourself together, confront this situation and decide what is what you want. The military is not an excuse. Stop making excuses for what is happening to you! Ask youself, what I am fearing? do i really love him, or I just dont have the courage to end this and look for the real love that you deserve?
Dont you think is wierd that you sex life sucks even when he gets back from deployment? think about it.... I think you dont want to see the reality here. You should put yourself first and see what you want. Trust me, you will be doing him good too. However, dont feel bad. I even was in that situation and know is not easy. Try getting some help. Read books, search online. There is plenty of things. I hope this helps.

The best.