He's changed. Now what?

[rachmt22]

I've been with Mike for 3 years now and we've shared our one bedroom apartment for 6 months. During year two, he studied abroad for 9 months. We made it through, with some bumps along the way. However, since he's been back he's been a completely different person. He's a heavy drinker now, he's academically lacking (he's finishing his undergrad, I'm a graduate), and he's negative much of the time. I don't love this person. I love the person he was before he left. Every so often, he slips back into the sweet, charming, charismatic person I remember. What do I do? He's incredibly defensive about how he's changed and I'm beyond considering leaving the man I was sure I was going to marry.

[aussiecoffee007]

mm well travelling abroad alone can really change a person... and it seems as if youve already talked to him about your feelings that hes changed. i would either keep trying to communicate to him that in a not blaming way or anything, you just feel hes changed and if anything happened while he was studying abroad... how is he defensive? i would either try to keep communicating or go to counseling if he wont listen to you... and if the truth is that at the end of the day he relaly has changed permanently--how long ago did he get back? it might just be a culture shock type of thing--then i might leave him.

[daisychip]

What do you mean you "are beyond considering leaving the man" you were sure you were going to marry? You're ready to leave or.....?

It sounds like he might have experienced something extremely negative abroad and is not coping with it well. Did you ever get a sense when he was gone that there was something up?

Anyway, no matter what, if he is so different and is not interested in hearing or discussing then maybe you are going to have to consider leaving. It's not fair to be expected to live with such negative changes. Maybe he will take a second look if he loses you too.

Will he consider maybe a prescription for an anti-depressant? He is struggling and there's nothing wrong with a little help over a hump.

I'm sorry the man you love isn't visible right now. Try to help but don't let yourself be dragged down too.

[The Gr8 Eight]

Yeah, If you are being dragged down, You dont want that, I would try to talk to him and stuff and yes traveling changes people. I am a senior in High School, i have many friends that are in college and i dated one and she changed so much and i ended it. Yeahh i understand the situation. It is your choice i would see how he acts for a bit longer. and then make your decision if you want to leave him.

[rachmt22]

He actually had a very positive experience studying abroad... and he talks about it constantly. As for the defensiveness, he gets snappy about "of course I changed, everyone changes" sort of bs. A lot of our mutual friends find his changes strange and not so endearing... I'm pretty bogged down with it, but he "doesn't do breaks," so, I suppose it's all or nothing... I just can't bear to loose what I had before, even if it maybe isn't there at all anymore...

[aussiecoffee007]

well maybe you can tell him that hes changed into a new person that you dont recognize anymore, and no not everyone changes as dramatically as you feel him to. i know what you mean... but if hes not the guy he used to be you arent losing him now, you are losing the version of him before and the relationship you had before... and youve already done without that the whole time since hes been back and there... if hes dragging you down and you dont feel that you are with this new guy and you dont think theres any chance of permanent change BACK or compromise or something... i would consider leaving the relationship

[daisychip]

You've been going through this for about a year? Sure everyone changes but he has changed for the worse and others notice it too. His drinking doesn't help and if he is 'happy' with who he is, what do you have left?

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome to ATLF, I'm glad that you joined us here. :)

I agree with the great advice you have been given so far hun. I think the ball is in your court now in making a decision which will be the best 1 for you. If he has changed so much that others have noticed it & he doesn't really want to talk about why he's went in the opposite way, there's really not much more you can do.

I don't know, maybe give it 1 more try & talk to him, make it known to him the big changes & you aren't the only 1 that see's them, maybe he will straighten up.

[rachmt22]

We talked and agreed to go our separate ways. It was a peaceful breakup, so I hope in that I don't lose my best friend. I've never been so heartbroken, but everyone says it was for the best.... I lost my soulmate to situations beyond my control. I just can hope that maybe someday he'll figure himself out and come back to me. He's just as heartbroken as I am. And we have to share a one bedroom apartment until August....

[aussiecoffee007]

aww im sorry this happened, but i do think its for hte best. he seems a differnet person now :( im especially sorry for the housing situation! that sounds very awkward. hope you can figure it out

[**Sapphire**]

I'm sorry to hear that things didn't go more positive for you hun. It just might be for the best if he has changed soo much, you know?

Is there really no way that you can get out of being in the apartment?