Where do i stand

[kazaa1]

Hi thought i'd ask for some oppinions, i just dont know where i stand the last few months. I have been with my husband for four years now. i'm very much still inlove the the man but dont think he feels the same. Things were great between us then they started to go seriously wrong. Some of it was my fault, but not all of it as he says.

I left him last year because i felt he didn't care, all i wanted was a nice word, to be taken out once in a while, shown some affection, to feel i was special because of this i nagged him, got angry, we fought, i drove him away. so i suppose it is all my own doing.

I do everything i can to make him happy but nothing seems to be right. he says he's quite happy and has no problem with me. That he does love me,but i dont believe him. He says he just wants a quiet life that my little outbursts have to stop,that my behaviour is appalling and i need to sort myself out.

How can i sort myself out when i dont know where i stand. Inside i do think he loves me but i also think he cant stand the sight of me.



Can anyone tell me what they would think and feel or do if they were treated like this and why.



You dont get any birthday, xmas, valentines or anniversary wishes, presents or cards.

Your only taken out for late night drives on the odd occasion usually to 24hr supermarket.

Never taken out for a meal, a quiet drink or to the cinema anywhere you can dress up nice. he dosen't drink, he says he dosen't do meals or do cinemas. Never meet any of his friends.

He has been known to stay away for days on end without a word, he turns his phone off, or wont answer. He stays out alot until early hours of the morning saying he his working sometimes not returning ( he repairs computers) He says you drive him away maybe you do..

Most of his customers are single women.. You have had calls and abuse from some saying he told them he was divorced, that you had left and he was seeing them. ( you have rang some yourself admitedly) He deny's it all even when he hears them say these things ( this hasn't happened for awhile now)

Never tells You he loves you. You have to ask him and he says yeah thats it!

Dont get kissed unless you go to him then its a peck often on the cheek as he turns face away.

He wont make love to you, Wants you to give him release but makes no attempt to touch you in any way.You have asked out right for lovemaking and there is always an excuse, ie need the toilet, not in the mood, got headache etc etc. You give in to him always have tried not to but are then told you're the one that wont go near him, and that you have never made the first move or asked for it. usual words are dunno wot your on about, your causing bad feeling.

He uses the internet regularly and is on many dating and chat sites ( you admit u are too but since being with him find no need for them. you are now starting to chat to people mainly because it makes you feel good getting nice compliments although they mean nothing) he says he is single, looking for relationships.You have asked him to remove profiles or at least say he has a partner, he wont! it hurts seeing them all, you have tried to tell him have cried about it he still uses them.
he blames you for just about everything tha goes wrong, will not help with anything in the home or out of it.Will answer text and phone to other women and other friends almost straightaway.
Is never away from a computer.
Belittles you infront of guests, tells you that you are stupid or mad.
Talks to you as though you are worthless. Will do nothing for you but will go straight away to some female friend or customer at the drop of a hat.
Makes you feel ugly, self consious, stupid and inadequate.
is constantly sarcastic to you in front of others and away from them.
You have also been known to loose your temper and make a show of yourself in the presence of others.

tell me what you would feel and think, and why, what would you do.

Your not perfect by no means, you do rant and rave, you do loose your temper, you do go on at him. But you also love him.


Can anyone tell me what they would think and feel or do if they were treated like this and why. I feel there is nothing left.

[Tuxie]

Welcome, first of all to ATLF. :) We're glad you found us, and have confided in us. Here, you should get many replies to your thoughts and concerns. I will touch on them briefly, but I'm sure others will post soon.

I left him last year because i felt he didn't care, all i wanted was a nice word, to be taken out once in a while, shown some affection, to feel i was special because of this i nagged him, got angry, we fought, i drove him away. so i suppose it is all my own doing.
Based on what you're telling us, I can't believe this is all your doing. Relationships are a give and take thing. NOT a give and give or a take and take.

You dont get any birthday, xmas, valentines or anniversary wishes, presents or cards.

Your only taken out for late night drives on the odd occasion usually to 24hr supermarket.

Never taken out for a meal, a quiet drink or to the cinema anywhere you can dress up nice. he dosen't drink, he says he dosen't do meals or do cinemas. Never meet any of his friends.
Hmm... sounds like to me, he's lost that 'dating relationship' with you. Some people (myself included), tend to think you don't hafta date after you've been together for a certain period of time. This is false... dating should be an essential part of any relationship. I don't care if you're just starting to date, or if you've been married for 30+ years.

He has been known to stay away for days on end without a word, he turns his phone off, or wont answer. He stays out alot until early hours of the morning saying he his working sometimes not returning ( he repairs computers) He says you drive him away maybe you do..

Most of his customers are single women.. You have had calls and abuse from some saying he told them he was divorced, that you had left and he was seeing them. ( you have rang some yourself admitedly) He deny's it all even when he hears them say these things ( this hasn't happened for awhile now).
This should throw up a HUGE red flag! This is not normal behavior! I also work on computers on the side. I made it a habit to almost NEVER go alone to a single, female customer. That's just common sense.

Can anyone tell me what they would think and feel or do if they were treated like this and why. I feel there is nothing left.
If you both want this to work, you're going to need to sit down and talk.. first. Secondly, you BOTH are going to need to get into counselling. You both have some issues to deal with.

I hope this has helped some. As I said, others will post soon. Keep us updated. :)

[kazaa1]

I went to counseling he wont go in his opinion they just mess your mind up.

I haven't been totally innocent in all this when i left last year i did meet someone, although nothing intimate ever happened we were close he supported me in many ways was always there made me laugh treated me with respect.

i returned to my husband after a few weeks away from him. hoping that the time alone would give me time to sort myself out as he says. it was very hard he never let me be and was constantly on the phone or emailing me sometimes abusive other times loving it was when i told him that i had met someone else that he broke down. it was the only time he really showed any real love.

i haven't been a brilliant wife i have ranted and lost my temper on various occasions. i get so frustrated, hurt and angry that i cannot seem to talk to him and explain that i feel very unloved, lonely and very ugly. All he says is not that crap again, or dunno wots up with you.

i work hard at my job and when i'm home i do everything for him. i supply everything , from paying all bills to buying his cars etc etc.

i love the man very much and am there for him 24/7 no matter what.

[Penguin_Woman]

Well, I think that's nuts and unacceptable. No married man should act in that manner! Don't let him tell you that your driving him away. I'm sure he may not light your "nagging" at him. But it seems for a good reason.

I hate to say it, but if you have your own money...I'd say it's time to get out IMHO. It doesn't appear that things are going to get better. Does he love you? I don't really know. I can't know his mind, but he does not act like it. I know 4 years is a long time and I hate to see a marriage end. But I think your already ended.

Good luck. Let us know what you decide.

[potatoes]

i think that u did all you can to work out your relationship with your husband. and even i've not been married yet/before, but i think Tuxie is right - dating shouldn't end after the 1st few years or anything. maybe your husband may feel uncomfortable with you after knowing you've met someone else previously and maybe that is why he's being a jerk? i don't know..sometimes when he thinks of it, he treats you like crap and when he isn't thinking about it - he treats you like a friend. i don't think separation or divorce is an answer or solution to your problems and i hope it isn't your only option. maybe if you love him enough, sit thru it till things change - stop nagging, let him be free...and also let yourself be free. if he's working hard - i'm sure he makes enough money to pay his own bills. while you work on anger management or maybe cultivate "letting go" ...maybe both of you need to learn for forgive each other...

couple yrs ago...i met tis lady..she's about 50s or 60s (can't recall). she was telling me that she's been married to tis guy for all her life, but back then (when she was younger) she found out that her husband was cheating on her with his secretary.she got ****** and all that.she had 4kids.She was a successful architect too. Anyway, he kinda moved in with the secretary and had 2kids. Today, they are still married and he still rotates his time - lunch with her and dinner with the other..etc. But tis woman is remarkable not because she beared the pain and humiliation but because she believed that divorce isn't gonna solve anything.One day she went to the secretary's house (her husband was there too)... she sat down and talked to them...more amazing was that..she shared about Christ and all. But the point is...she had an amazing compassion even if it seemed absurb ...she showed unconditional love and forgiveness. but not everyone can be like her or take the road she chose.what will be your bottom line then?

[mostwar]

One day she went to the secretary's house (her husband was there too)... she sat down and talked to them...

WOW.. I would never be able to do that !!

[stoner]

First of all, welcome to the ATLF Kazaa ... really? Dang I haven't downloaded stuff using that program in like ... years! :p

On a serious note, I'm sorry you're feeling unhappy and unloved in your current relationship with your husband. Hopefully, you'll find be able to overcome your dilemmas and stand above it all.

I do believe that relationships -- in a marriage or just dating or going steady -- should be a two way street. If you keep on doing all the giving, it is just proper to have something coming back in some form or another. It doesn't have to be something really big or overwhelming ... just a simple thank you, or the occasional candle light dinner should be more than enough. But seriously ... not even a birthday, a Valentine, or a nationally or religiously observed holiday? Nothing?

Based on your post, I believe that you have taken your efforts as far as it could go, and there's nothing you can do beyond that. Like a rubber band that's been stretched to the extreme that eventually snapped. You even mentioned going to counseling to make an effort to make it work, but he stubbornly refused to even attend. This marriage is a lost cause in IMHO. If I were in this situation, I'd be speaking to my lawyer by now.

I understand how you feel - loving him with all your heart - but if his actions and attitude continues to make you feel unhappy, unloved, ugly, deprived, cold, empty, and the like, I believe the time had come say goodbye to this man. I don't blame you for seeing someone else, as you have needs that are not being met and/or satisfied. You're only human to have such feelings and needs, unfortunately it's not being supplied by the man that you love and married.

Hang in there, and get out of that mess while you still can. He may break down, but he set himself up for it. IMO, leaving him would be the best decision you'd ever made ... even better than a full-year's supply of Zoloft. Good luck.