Do I love her enough? Please advise me.

[greg1982]

Hi everyone; sorry for jumping right into a thread without an introduction - it may be better if I'm a little anonymous for now. Anyway I have a problem and I hope somebody can help me a little.

For a number of years I have been best friends with a girl I went to college with (briefly). Anyway when we left, to avoid losing touch we kept in touch on the internet and stuff. We're now very close, but we have always just been friends. But, I think I may have had some feelings for her for a while (without me noticing) - this is because I've realised I feel sad/down/maybe even a little jealous when she has a boyfriend.

Recently she told me she has developed quite strong feelings for me and think's she's falling in love with me. (We're no longer just internet friends) This has made me consider the feelings I now recognise that I had and to be honest, it's messing with my head.

I love her more than anything and she loves me that much too - that's never been a problem. Problem is whether I love her enough. See I've noticed a pattern; when I wake up, I spend a few hours trying to get her out of my head, it's hard. Then all morning I think that it's wrong / maybe I wont love her enough. Then in the evening I love and miss her so much it's unbearable.

Now (I mean this in a nice way!) if this were just some girl I could give it a try - but she's my best friend and I don't want to risk losing her if I'm not convinced I'll love her as much as she needs. But how will I know?

I'm not even sure what I'm asking, but I waned to tell some people and hope somebody might be able to say some words that might help me understand this better. Thanks for reading, please advise me! x:)

G

[daisychip]

It kind of sounds to me Greg1982 that you might have tried to contain feelings you've had because of the "friendship" status of your relationship and now that she has opened the path it is easier to allow them to surface.

I don't know that there is any way to know for sure if you love her as much as she needs. What makes you question? A characteristic she has? A doubt in your own? IS it her you're afraid of failing or yourself?

Maybe she could you. Talk to her about your fears......she is your best friend. Maybe she could help to ease your mind.

[greg1982]

Thanks for the reply Daisychip :) I guess part of my problem is that I don't really feel good enough for her - obviously that's for her to decide and not me - but I feel like... hmm... ok this sounds bad, but she has basically given me the greenlight to kiss her. If I do, we become something other than friends and I'm worried about several things really.

1. If we kiss, become more than friends and then she realises im not for her.
2. same, but I realise I don't love her enough (which is probably irrational because I love her more than anything, but still)
3. She has to go away for 6 months soon. I trust her completely, I know if we were together she'd never cheat, but she's *much* more attractive than me and it just makes me think, if I take too long then somebody else might snap her up really soon.

I guess these are just standard worries really, but I've never had a relationship before so it's all new to me lol. Also, I'm kinda scared to talk about this with her too much - she does know it all, but she gets scared easy. I don'twant to give her an excuse to try and ignore the feelings.

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome to ATLF greg1982, glad that you joined us here. :)

It sounds like you have all the "classic" worries when it comes to turning a good friendship into something romantic.

I would say greg that since she has said her feelings for you, she does care about you, & it's enough to want to start a relationship.

Talk to her about what you typed us here, tell her of your fear that if it doesn't work out, what happens from there. If you talk to her about it, it will help her to understand everything much better & she can even give your her thoughts/feelings on taking your friendship to the next level as well. I know your a little scared, but she's been your friend for a long time, she will know & understand where your coming from.

[greg1982]

Thanks for the reply Sapphire :)

I suppose one of the questions I'd like to ask you (and anybody reading) is - am I right to think I should talk to her about these things before I do anything. he (small) problem here is she is embarrassed to talk about any of this in person, and can only speak about it over the phone - obviously that's not great, cos I can't tell if the topic is upsetting her.

[daisychip]

sure there is risk. which would you rather face? trying and the possibility of having a great relationship or losing her to s/o else w/o having tried?

[greg1982]

sure there is risk. which would you rather face? trying and the possibility of having a great relationship or losing her to s/o else w/o having tried?

Obviously I'd rather try:D What I'm scared of is losing her altogether, as I know she's never stayed friends with her past boyfriends. I can't imagine it happening as I think she loves me too much as a friend... still scares me though.

[daisychip]

she has taken the chance and laid herself out there to you. do you think you should keep analyzing? or just return the feeling you already have?

[greg1982]

she has taken the chance and laid herself out there to you. do you think you should keep analyzing? or just return the feeling you already have?

Good point. Do you think it's important to act quickly? We've only met a few times in the real world. Might be nice to "get to know" her first, don't want to feel like i'm pushing too hard.

[daisychip]

i guess what I'm saying is......what will be in the future is unknown........what is now is known.........what happens with others does not necessarily mean the same will be true with you (if)............

see what I'm saying?

[daisychip]

just because you haven't met (in person) doesn't mean you don't know her Greg1982.

[greg1982]

i guess what I'm saying is......what will be in the future is unknown........what is now is known.........what happens with others does not necessarily mean the same will be true with you (if)............

see what I'm saying?

I think I do :) obviously every person is different so every situation will be too, but I think you are saying act on what I already know (what's she's told me) rather than what I'm scared *might*happen... ?

[daisychip]

yes thats what i mean. fear of the unknown can keep us from great things if we let it.

[greg1982]

fear of the unknown can keep us from great things if we let it.

I like that :) Hope she knows it too!

[daisychip]

It's so exciting! Keep us updated ok?

[greg1982]

It's so exciting! Keep us updated ok?

lol! of course I will :) Though I'm not going to go into meeting her with any plans; if it feels right it will happen :)

[daisychip]

That sounds good. It's best when it's felt in a moment! I'll be looking forward to hearing from you the next time you get together.

[greg1982]

I shall keep posting in this thread as (or if!) things develope :) thanks for your help!

[**Sapphire**]

Sounds like our resident sweetheart Daisychip gave you some good advice. :)

Can't wait to hear the updates as things develop. :)

[greg1982]

I will keep you posted :) I mean, I don't know if things will develop, but anything that happens I'll keep you informed :)

I like it here, nice to be able to talk about things. Obviously I've talked about this with the lady in question, but I can't talk about it with friends (who generally just mock me). Nice to get other views :)

[**Sapphire**]

I will keep you posted :) I mean, I don't know if things will develop, but anything that happens I'll keep you informed :)

I like it here, nice to be able to talk about things. Obviously I've talked about this with the lady in question, but I can't talk about it with friends (who generally just mock me). Nice to get other views :)

There's a ton of things to do on ATLF, feel free to look around & post with us on other topics. We have more than just love topics to read & enjoy. :)

[greg1982]

There's a ton of things to do on ATLF, feel free to look around & post with us on other topics. We have more than just love topics to read & enjoy. :)

I do want to stay around actually but trying not to get toooo involved just yet incase she reads this forum too lol. I'll probably stay around when I'm comfortable though - might even be able to help others by then! :)

[greg1982]

She doesn't want to see me today :( I'm working on it.

She woke up in an angry mood - to cut a long story short, when she first realised she liked me (before I knew) she accepted the advances of another guy (which she feels bad about to this day) thinking it'd help prove to herself that she didn't like me.

Anyway she yelled at me a little this morning (in a nice way). She's got me being all lovey duvvy and this other guy now ringing her saying he wants her, and all this on top of her and I not long being real life friends.

I feel so sorry for her. I don't want to swear, but I feel a complete and utter... ummm... bad person. I know I've done nothing wrong and I know it's not my fault, but all the hurt she's feeling is down to me. I'm hurting my best friend :(

[greg1982]

(Sorry for double post - forum trouble)

At the very least, this has cleared one thing up - I mus be in love with her. Or very nearly there. I don't think I'd feel like this if it were just a crush. She really doesn't want to meet me tonight, but I've asked her to. I want to hug her and let her know I'm her friend and if possible talk about some of this in person. I'm her bes friend and if I can't sit her down and talk to her when she's scared (even though it is because of me) then what type of friend am I?

Hope I'm making the right choice here.

[daisychip]

yes it sounds like she needs her best friend and mate. and needsz to tell this other guy she made a mistake. there's no reason she needs to be in a state of turmoil. good luck, i hope she changes her mind about seeing you.

[greg1982]

Hey, thanks for reply.

Just spoken to her on the phone. I feel so sorry for her. She doesn't care about the other guy, but she feels really bad because she thinks she has "broken" her friend by making me like her. She wants time alone (which of course is fine) but the problem is she doesn't want to even be real friends anymore. Wants to go back to internet land :(

This is awful. I've not even done anything and I've gone from losing a potential gf to losing my best friend :(

[**Sapphire**]

Give it a little time & hopefully she will sort things out in her head & then come on back to you as your real life friend.

Maybe talk to her, let her know that she didn't ruin anything between you & her, maybe that will ease her mind a bit.

[greg1982]

What did I do wrong?

[**Sapphire**]

I don't think you did anything wrong, I think she maybe realized that she's a bit scared to ruin your friendship by taking it to the next level. If that's the case, then you would need to talk to her about it, ease her thoughts/fears a little bit. Let her know what you've been thinking as well.

[daisychip]

what the heck is wrong with her? she will find her friend "broken" if she insists on playing in this fashion. what is her 'real' issue? she jumped the gun with you? she has feelings for the other guy? she doesn't want a bf after all? please see if you can get her to shed some light cuz i find this irritating. she had no business putting you in this spot and now in this one.

[greg1982]

Righty, I have an update. I apologise for this sounding so much like a soap opera by the way - nothing like this ever happens in my life and I know this particular friend very well, so when she says something I know she usually means it.

Anyway, we were sending text messages last night and she realised I was upset and called me, said sorry for the earlier stuff and eventually agreed to meet me that evening - which isn't easy, takes an hours trip in the cold. I felt a little mean saying we had to meet when I knew she didn't want to, but I'm somebody who hates sleeping on an argument/bad feelings; even if you don't feel great afterwards, I think it's always bes to talk about whatever problems you may have.

Anyway, we met up and it was fine; talked about everything really. She could tell I'd been upset and she was really sorry about everything and promised she'd never stop us being real (which was my biggest worry). Basically, she's says her problem was that she was so busy the 2 days before Christmas that she didn't think about me 24/7, which she liked because she's scared of the situation and felt good about it being out of her head for most of the day. Then by talking to me she was reminded of all her feelings again and she got scared again. I think she feels bad about herself for liking a friend.

Anyway we got on well, lots of hugging and friendly kissing on cheeks etc. I believe her when she says she's wont run away again, but I'm scared in case everything gets too scary for her and she changes her mind again. As long as I don't lose my friend I'm happy.

EDIT - look how many sentences I started with "anyway" lol

[**Sapphire**]

That sounds pretty positive greg1982. I kind of thought that she might have been afraid of her feelings for you.

Hopefully she won't run away from you, keep the contact going & she will be reminded of how good of a friend she has in you & she won't run.

[greg1982]

That sounds pretty positive greg1982. I kind of thought that she might have been afraid of her feelings for you.

Hopefully she won't run away from you, keep the contact going & she will be reminded of how good of a friend she has in you & she won't run.

I hope so too :) The other feelings are still bothering me a little though. I know she likes me and I like her, it should be easy, but I'm scared I won't love her enough, and she thinks I'm worth more and so wans to forget the feelings. Is this common?

[daisychip]

I hope so too :) The other feelings are still bothering me a little though. I know she likes me and I like her, it should be easy, but I'm scared I won't love her enough, and she thinks I'm worth more and so wans to forget the feelings. Is this common?

Commomn? i don't know. both of you are concerned you will not be enough for the other and both are concerned about ruining the friendship. maybe just agreeing not to force the relationship right now would be the best thing to do. take some time now to see if the attraction really develops now that it has 'peaked out' at you both a little.

[greg1982]

maybe just agreeing not to force the relationship right now would be the best thing to do. take some time now to see if the attraction really develops now that it has 'peaked out' at you both a little.

I think that's good advice :) It is certainly what I would like to do - I'd like to just be able to say "right, this is how we feel about each other, BUT we need to see if that carries over into the real world, so lets just spend lots of time together as friends and we'll see if anything develops".

In my heart I know that that approach probably won't work - I think her feelings will probably burn out or something - but I'm not pushing it, I love her too much. I'd rather keep her as a friend but not have her as more by doing things in a nice way, than have her as more for a while and then lose her completely because we weren't ready.

[daisychip]

i don't know if her feelings would burn out really. you know her better than me but sometimes the intrigue of s/o that cares enough niot to try to rush causes feelings to ignite. like if she knows there isn't pressure to feel it, the focus is shifted and it just sort of happens. i don't know :dontknow: could happen.

[**Sapphire**]

I agree with daisy. Just wait it out & see what happens down the line. You have nothing but time to get to know each other & cultivate a little something more out of your friendship.

[greg1982]

Do you think it would be a good idea for me to tell her that I think I'm falling in love with her too, but that rather than rush into anything I think we should continue to meet up and see each other the way we have been, and see if things develop naturally?

[daisychip]

i don't think you should say that. it would kind of add pressure. just see if ou can start spending more time together and see what happens.

[greg1982]

i don't think you should say that. it would kind of add pressure. just see if ou can start spending more time together and see what happens.

good idea :)

[**Sapphire**]

I agree with what daisy said greg. Let things happen naturally, especially when you 2 start to see each other in real life.

My fiance & I told each other we loved each other before we met in real life, but we both felt confident enough to say that beforehand. You 2 are going back & forth with your budding feelings, so it's best to wait & let things happen naturally if they are meant to happen.

[greg1982]

hmmmmm... yeah... sooooooooo I decided daisy and sapphire were right and I should be cool and just see how are friendship developed and not put any pressure on anything. And so I did. (I was really good actually lol). Then *she* started kissing *me*.

How very very odd lol :)

[**Sapphire**]

How cool, she kissed you?? See, when you don't try to over analyze things & let it all happen naturally something good comes from it. :):thumb:

[greg1982]

yeah, how weird is that? Completely not my fault lol

[daisychip]

yeee! well this is some exciting news! i'm happy you didn't get into a big in-depth about you two. it will be so much more easy. happy for you!!

[greg1982]

aww thanks daisy! :) I mean, I dunno what happens next (if anything!), I don't see her again now for about a week... but was really nice :)

[dutchdiosa]

Well then keep that happy thought in your head! A good boost of confidence and sending out positive vibes into the universe is always a good thing! Smile!

[**Sapphire**]

aww thanks daisy! :) I mean, I dunno what happens next (if anything!), I don't see her again now for about a week... but was really nice :)

I say continue to let things happen naturally, it's working so far right?

[greg1982]

Just to give you an update, we've chatted a bit on the phone today; she says she liked the kissing and as much as she didn't want to, she's fallen in love with me. She does want us to move up a level into a relationship, but only if I'm certain I'm in love with her too.

Obviously I'm over the moon, but how do I know if I love her enough? I could never hurt my friend.

[**Sapphire**]

That's great Greg! :) Really, the best way to know anything is to give it a chance.

You have feelings for her more than friendship, she said she does love you, so I say take the plunge & try something more with her.

[greg1982]

Thanks Sapphire :) That's what I'm thinking; I'm just so scared of breaking her heart.

[daisychip]

Obviously I'm over the moon, but how do I know if I love her enough? I could never hurt my friend.

What more do you need? You're silly.

[**Sapphire**]

Love is all about taking chances & possibly dealing with some pain if things don't work out greg.

The thing is, you have to take the chance FIRST before you know for sure how things will be. Don't be scared, just do it & enjoy that you have someone that cares for you as much as you do care for her.

[greg1982]

*hums to himself*

soooooooo... she's gone away now. She lives 5 hours away, no idea when she'll have a spare day to come back or when I'll be able to vist.

*hums more*

*sigh* I miss her. My arms feel empty.

[**Sapphire**]

Aww Greg, it will be OK. Do you have her email, IM, phone number? If you do, it will help missing each other so much contacting her through all the electronic avenues we have available to us.

Yeah it's not the same as face to face, but when your doing something long distance, the computer & phone is a great way to help ease some of the loneliness & you still do get to talk to the 1 you care about & see how they are doing.

[dutchdiosa]

Yeah, just keep in touch with her. I am sure she will end up coming to visit or you guys will meet again. I mean think of it this way...this is a lot better with the technology like Sapphire said. I mean can you imagine being a Civil War man depending on the snail mail or shall I really throw back and say "Pony Express?" Haha! Just keep your feelings there and keep in touch! :D

[greg1982]

haha! I like that :) we're making plans to be able to meet up more and in the mean time... well, my phone bill will rise :P

[aussiecoffee007]

careful with that... ive had my fair share of huuuge phone bills and its not pretty hahaha

[dutchdiosa]

Yeah me too. Here here Aussie!

[**Sapphire**]

I will third that, I remember those days of huge phone bills talking to my guy. :scared1:

[greg1982]

ha! Well I need a new phone anyway so I'll check out some better packages :)

Everything seems to be going well. More kissing :) it's nice. She goes away properly now, so I hope the feelings don't too! lol but I'm happy :) Still worried incase I want to want it more than I actually do want it (make sense?) but I dunno, I love her, I'm happy :)

[**Sapphire**]

An unlimited call package, or put her on your friends & family list thing, or even if you both have the same cell phone company mobile to mobile will help a ton.

Keep the feelings going, also keep the connection going by communicating with her while she's away. Things will be OK, it won't be perfect all the time, but with talking to each other it will help those "bad days".

[aussiecoffee007]

yeah i would definitely make calling each other a set thing to make each other part of your lives, you know? :)

[greg1982]

You're right, definitely going to try to make calls a priority and maybe even a regular time, though I've not really thought that far ahead. Good call Sapphire, I need a new phone/package anyway so I'll switch to her network; she'll be able to call me free to then so we'll both save money. Aren't I considerate :P

I miss her. I love her so much :)

[BristolFan]

Two words:

How cute :)

[greg1982]

Doesn't feel cute :P

Well a little lol. *sigh* oh well, hopefully she won't get over me.

[**Sapphire**]

Greg don't fear, she won't get over you, as long as you keep the lines of communication open she won't forget about you. There are a ton of ways to keep contact these days so it will be easier for you 2 to keep things going.

[dutchdiosa]

Keep a smile on your face!

[greg1982]

I will :) We started to arrange a day for me to visit today; it's about a month away but it's a special day for her, so that's nice and nice that she asked :)

[greg1982]

I feel odd. She's been away a few weeks now and I feel odd. Distant and I don't like it. I woke up this morning and although I love her more than anything, I didn't miss her. I hated that. Maybe I'm just paranoid but one of my biggest fears is that the feelings go away for one or both of us. And if it's for me, I'll break her heart.

I'm scared :(

[dutchdiosa]

No...I am going to lay it to you flat.

You CANNOT ALWAYS be thinking about someone. You obviously do love her if you are thinking of her and you cannot bear the thought of not loving her and the feelings going away.

I bet you didn't notice that. That is a sign of love for someone even if you don't see it. You are soooo afraid that you might lose your feelings that you feel even MORE love for them. You will be okay. Keep smiling and talking to her!

[**Sapphire**]

I agree with dutch, your still thinking of you because you are afraid that you may lose your love for her.

Keep the communication going as much as you can & that will help. Have you 2 been trying to talk on the phone or texting or something like that?

[greg1982]

Thanks you two :) always make me feel better :)

Been texting lots (as normal). I try to call her sometimes too, spoke to her for about an hour last night - nothing in particular, just chatting. I can tell she feels strange too now that i'm not there all of a sudden. I hope the feelings arent going away for her though if I'm honest with myself I think it'd be strange if they did after being so strong, so I think that's probably ok for now. She's really ill though, I feel sorry for her and miss her.

[**Sapphire**]

Everything will be OK greg. Keep up the communication as you have been & it will be OK. :)

[greg1982]

Hi everybody

I feel mean - I left you all for so long to try and sort things out and as soon as I feel like I need a group hug I come back to you. I'm sorry, but can I have that group hug please?

I'm a paranoid person... not in a weird way, but I am, I can see it in me, but this time I'm worried it might be legitimate. Things are going fine, but the other guy is in my head. I get the feeling that he still really loves her and she might go back to him sometimes. I don't know, I feel terrible even saying it as when we're together there's nobody else in the world. I feel like I'm sharing her. She says she wants us to be together properly one day too - so maybe when this guy leaves (he goes away at some point I think) then maybe things will be ok. I don't know. I can't ask her about this, if I get near to the topic she wont speak about it but I cant ask her outright because thats awful and untrusting and I may be completely wrong anyway. Plus, you know, there's nothing official with us so is it my business? Like, I dunno, say she wants to let him down properly before getting into a situation with me, well who am I to argue?

It might al be in my head, but I don't like it. :-(

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome back Greg, glad that you came back to talk to us about your thoughts. :)

Well you just may have to believe in that when the time is right that she will talk to the other guy, let him down & then come to you. I know it's easier said than done, but that's kind of all you can do right now, you know?

You've tried talking to her. Have you tried sharing your feelings, what you wrote us here though?

[greg1982]

Thanks as always sapphire :)

She spoke to me. Fears were partially true - she's with him occasionally, but says she doesn't feel anything for him and feels awful about it. I believe her.

I should be upset - maybe I will be when I've had time to sit down and think. At the moment I just feel relieved that I know and I hope that's an end to it. Don't really know whats next though.

Guess I'll just shrug lol

[**Sapphire**]

Well you can choose to me mad at her or just to continue on & have faith/trust in her greg. It's all up to you though. :)

[greg1982]

Well you can choose to me mad at her or just to continue on & have faith/trust in her greg. It's all up to you though. :)

Oh I never get angry with anybody but myself lol - it can be a fault sometimes, if you're too easy with people.

Anyway, I dunno what to do. She says she still wants me. But how will I be able to trust her and know she wont keep sleeping with him? I don't know. I've not been cheated on, cos she's not my gf. I don't know what to do really. Don't know how to fix it... it's the trust issue mostly I guess.