Girlfriend wants a hiatus. Advice Needed.

[dellman]

Thanks for the help

[dellman]

Last night we talked, and I laid everything out. I talked about Honesty, Understanding, Love, Support, Sincerity, Trust and where I did well and where I faltered. I told her how she filled that void in my life when it was rough the past few months and that things would change now that I will be working. Change is the key word as I’ve recognized my problems and told her I will take any steps in fixing them and prove that I’m still the man she fell in love with.

After talking she was taken back that I had thought things through and told me her feelings. She felt that she was too dominant and because of me being passive; I would do anything for her which could lead to her walking all over me. I disagreed as I want to do those things for her. Emotional Dependence was another big issue and her roommates saw it as well. I would crumble without her. Another issue was my anger and complaining about her going out with her friends. There were more negatives than positives that they came up with, but she recognized my trying.

It sucks because we were going to the Other Banks this week with 14 people for her Spring Break and she thought it was best I didn’t go in case something happened there. I looked forward to this for 2 months!

At the end of the conversation, I told her how much I loved her and asked her if she cared for me which she said yes. I asked for forgiveness and the chance to make things right. She said she’d forgive me but then asked the big, "Will you respect my feelings". She wanted for us to take a hiatus, not seeing each other but talking every so often like we just had. She thought I needed to think more about myself and figure things out and she needed to do the same. There was no time put on it, but she said not to expect in 3 weeks for things to get better and that down the road we’d talk about getting back together when things were right. I accepted, and told her I’d get help and take action to help myself and do everything in my power to better myself and us. My feelings about her not being there really made me almost breakdown. I left it by expressing my love, which she didn’t respond to other than that she cares for me. Its kind of a two way street as I asked if she had ever done this before and she responded, "No, you know me and I don’t give second chances, so this is a first"
Here I am today, shattered. Haven’t eaten since Sunday and have slept 2 hours in the past 2 nights.

This is love at first sight and I know she is the one for me. My family loves her, I love her family. I mean I’m at home until I get a new place and my mom didn’t care that we slept in the same bed. My mom never lets that happen.

My intentions are good and maybe I’ve been in too many bad relationships where the girl caused all the problems because we were so different. I couldn’t cope with that lack of problems and had to start something in order to fill in that gap.

In 2 months she moves back home and I work down the street from her and can walk there in about 2 minutes. I keep trying to move past these problems knowing things would change when she moved home and that now she was just enjoying her last 2 months in college. Now with this break, I’m stuck with what to think. Do I give her the 2 months, and hopefully get back together when she is home. I know I have matured and changed as a person because of her and wouldn’t have been able to make it through these tough jobless months without her support. My parents know I had become happier and know how much I cared. This girl got me to become more religious and I started going to Church with and without her which I would’ve never done with others.

It’s a tough position and I need to keep a clear head especially with this job coming up. I think she is in a tough place now with all her friends graduating and coming home. She's is a very sweet and smart girl and my rents have pointed out that she just doesn’t seem to know what she wants to do with her life right now and lacks direction

[summit]

iv had anger issues, and been to counseling for it, and I can tell you right off the bat, you will need professional help for it, and you will need help in finding ways to deal with it. Leave her alone for now, giver her what shes asking you for.

If she tells you she is scared of you sometimes it throws up some pretty big flags, a women wants to feel safe in her guys arms not scared, your already borderline possesive with her in my opinion, I think what you forget is your 3 years older, you had your parties, sowed your wild oats, she has not, up until she was 18 she probly had parents telling her what she should or should not be doing, now she has you telling her what she should or should not be doing, let her party for a while and get it out of her system, shes a young women, let her act the part, I can bet she feels so sufficated. You need to help yourself before you can help the 2 of you out in my opinion, and I think she is trying to tell you the same thing.

[Penguin_Woman]

It took a while, but I read through it all. Like Summit said...a woman wants to feel safe with her man, not scared. You do have anger issues and you almost seem co-dependant on her. you need to find a way to make your own happiness instead of relying on her for it. I do hope you get the help you seek. Good luck to you.

[mashmac]

It just seems like you are both going through a bad patch and hopefully it will all be behind you soon. I think you put a bit too much pressure on her, you can't make her the center of your universe and yes you do need to focus on yourself and where you want to go and what you want your future to be like. If she remains the center of everything - your life will become impossible. And she clearly doesn't want you to depend and rely on her so much. Right now, she hasn't left you much of a choice so try and take it as it comes, try and be that guy she feel in love with. If you suffocate her - she will only pull away further.

Forget the gfs from the past, leave that in the past and focus on the future and I hope that by the she comes back home both you and her will have some answers.

I wish you a lot of courage as I am sure this is extremely painful for you. And come back and talk to us when you feel like you could slip - just come her and vent. Get it out of your system but do not burden her with you.

Finally, I am not sure if you need therapy, you are just very much in love and lately she hasn't responded the way you would have wanted her to. You reaction and pain is not strange at all, you are hurting. At least that's my humble opinion.

[Tuxie]

*ahem* First things first...

You need to give her some space for a bit. As a matter of fact, it sounds like you both need some room to step back and reflect. If she really loves you, she will be back. However, it sounds like you both have A LOT of growing up to do.

Secondly... have you ever thought about writing a novel? Jeez man... most people don't have time or the patience to read this much in one post. I really had trouble reading it all, and comprehending it.

Lastly... if you want to continue to post here, you need to watch the language. Tuxette had to do some editing and trimming down of the posts.

[dellman]

Believe me, I am a stubborn person and do not put the blinders over my eyes and think with my other head. The only thing I don't know about is that we have only known each other since the end of Oct. and Ive been wondering if because of our short relationship, there wasnt enough substance that had built up like a 1year or longer to help us through this tough time.

I have changed though as a person and really appriciate her being there to help me want to better myself. Its just funny how we would always talk about the future and me getting a place or marrige and kids jokingly. Although they we jokesin a way, they were kind of jokes of a more serious manor

On a side note and maybe Im thinking to deep into things. I wonder if this is an undercover way of breaking up rather than just flat out saying, I want to end the relationship. By doing it this way, one might feel they still have a chance but on her part she wouldnt have to hear me plead or worry about me doing anything rash which usually happens with a straight up split. You know, because there is no assurance we will get back together, when that times come it will be easier for her to just say, no this isnt going to work

Do you think it coule be the chicken's way out for her -- making it fade away instead of just cutting it off clean?
__________________

[summit]

most definetly, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it happens alot this way to spare "feelings" if you will, if this is the case, there is not much you can do, like we all said, give her some space, build up induvidual identities, you both need it, continuing to pressure her or bother her when she already may be scared of you in some ways could turn you from a concerned boyfriend into mad stalker.

[dellman]

Sorry for the extremely long post as I was just a ball of emotion today.

Im not crazy and not a stalker and have just found a relationship worth fighting for. I am young at the age of 24 but I worked with people of all ages in the bar from 23-40 all with other jobs and 90% of the relationships they were in were all like watching a horror movie. I keep a level head and have to work past my problems. One friend of mine was quite impressed that I am able to express myself in this situation, identify my faults and work to correct things in order to better myself

[Tuxie]

I understand.

I know that relationships are very tricky things at times. I certainly don't want to discourage anyone from posting. I mean... that's really what we are here for. :)

btw... I wanted to say welcome to both dellman and summit. Thanks for joining our forum. I hope you'll find it both a great place to hang out, and also a good place to get advice. :D

[dellman]

I understand.

I know that relationships are very tricky things at times. I certainly don't want to discourage anyone from posting. I mean... that's really what we are here for. :)

btw... I wanted to say welcome to both dellman and summit. Thanks for joining our forum. I hope you'll find it both a great place to hang out, and also a good place to get advice. :D

Thankyou. I might have some problems but I am able to identify these faults and work towards fixing them. My dad and brothers all agree that one of the biggest reasons for my current emotional slide is because of the 9 months ive been at home after graduation. Furthermore because Drexel was the 5 year program, most of my friends have moved or work all day after graduating from the normal 4 year school. After interviewing and non stop denials of employment, you kind of lose your nerve and feel worthless especially when month after month most of your time is spent indoors on the computer looking for a position. Because of this, I felt lonely and empty and looked to my GF as a way of getting me back to feeling normal. Now that I am starting my job though, my day's will be filled with work and me out meeting with potential clients, I won't be sitting around all day letting my thoughts get to me.

This is one of the main reasons why I have become the person that is not me. Im not an animal and know I am a great, caring, loving person in relationships. Girls im close with have told me this as well as my brothers who are both 21 and look up to me when asking for advice. I am glad my brothers are able to recipricate now and offer me advice when I need it the most

[Penguin_Woman]

Well, I'm glad you found a job. I know how it can feel being out of work and having trouble finding a job. I really hope this helps you some. But I do think you should look into getting some help for your anger problems. Of course we are all here for you too.