Tips/Advice about a girl that I will move close to soon

[Mdraha]

I didn't know any other way to title this thread but I really need some advice.

Last April, I went to Chicago actually visiting a girl that ended up letting me go for someone else (Long distance really sucks). But during that time, I met one of my cousin's friends named Mia. At first, we had NO interest at all for each other, but after a few weeks of hanging out it built up very quickly. She's a very shy girl (I'm somewhat shy too) and she even took me out to eat which she normally would never do. My cousin told me that she is so amazed how comfortable Mia was with me because she never gets that comfortable with anyone.

Mia actually had problems with her boyfriend and right before I met her, they broke up but they were still talking. She was with the guy for 3 years but he was abusive physically and mentally (mostly mentally). So when I left Chicago and came back to california, me and her had been texting and calling eachother DAILY for 2 months...she seriously got me to get over the other girl very easily (and I was hooked on that girl since I was 13...I'm almost 22 now). We always comforted each other. After a few weeks, she went as far as admitting she wishes I was living in chicago, and that feelings for me built up and she's never been like that with any guy before, even her boyfriend that she broke up with. My plan (before I even met her) was to move to chicago by August (I was born and raised there and I have a lot of family there). So I told her that I've been thinking about coming back by August, but it didn't happen.

As soon as she realized that it wouldn't happen (sometime early july), she started talking to her ex again and trying to make it work out. And during that time, I actually made a fool out of myself and started getting mad at her for acting different with me. This made me and her fight and fight until she got sick of it and disappeared on me for about a month. Then for the next 2 months (september - october) we probably texted eachother twice and it only lasted a few minutes. Last week, she actually texted me when I was in class, so I called her when I got out and we talked on the phone for an hour, catching up on everything. Conversation went real well (almost like our old conversations minus the her telling me she wishes I was there all the time). My cousin told me that Mia still hasn't got back to her ex because of how much an idiot he is, but that she started talking to another guy out there but it hasn't really went anywhere yet.

Now, I'm still trying to move back to Chicago (no, not for her believe me). And I'm getting real close, but it may take at least 3 months. Here's my questions for anyone that can give me advice.

1. After the mistakes I made with this girl, and the less talking because of it, I am trying to start talking a little more again. So far, we've talked a few times and we haven't had any arguments or anything. Do you suggest I keep talking to her until I get back to Chicago? Or should I just let it go and let her contact me whenever she wants?

2. If you recommend that I still try to keep in touch a lot, should I avoid all talk about me and her? The problem if you say YES to this, is that if I just talk to her as a friend, I'll fall into the "friend zone" and you know how hard it is to get out of that.

3. Christmas is coming up...I'm a big believer in not buying a girl gifts unless she's your girlfriend. But DAMN I feel different in this case. Is there ANYTHING I should do on Christmas for this girl?

4. I've had so many people tell me to try to talk a lot to this girl at one time...like for a week or 2, and then just stop texting her. This is supposedly supposed to get her to think about why I just stopped. Now I hate games, but so many people are telling me to do this. Stupid idea?

5. Should I avoid all talk about her boyfriend or the guy she started to talk to?

6. I obviously really care about this girl. I've never fallen for a girl this fast because I also don't get comfortable with someone too easily. I've met many girls and this is honestly the first one I would consider perfect. If you asked me what I liked about the first one I went to chicago for in the first place, I would seriously say "there's just something about her." If you ask about this one, I can give you a whole list. It's unbelievable how much me and her click. Can you give me ANY tips I could follow from now until I get back that would not kill chances with her?

Sorry that this was long. I feel like people need to have the whole story before I ask questions. Any advice is appreciated.

[**Sapphire**]

Sounds like I have given this some major thoughts mdraha.

Hmmm, has she given you any kind of indication that she may want to try again in your talks so far? Have you told her that you are getting close to moving back to Chicago?

I would say continue to talk to her while your getting yourself ready to come back to Chicago. Not everyday though, once in a while, drop a line or call her to say HI & see how she's doing. That way you may not get stuck in the "friend zone" & also, she may wonder how your doing & what your up to during the "in between" times that you don't contact her. Also, let her contact you as well, see if when you aren't talking to her, if she will pick up the phone & call you as well.

I wouldn't play games with her as other friends have suggested, when it comes to the surface that you were playing some head games with her, she just might get angry.

[Mdraha]

"Hmmm, has she given you any kind of indication that she may want to try again in your talks so far? Have you told her that you are getting close to moving back to Chicago?"

She hasn't given any indication that she may want to try again...We've texted about 4 times, and talked on the phone once the past 2 weeks. The thing about this girl is that as soon as "long distance" comes up in her mind, she completely avoids it no matter what happens. That's the reason we got so distant in the first place. She realized I wasn't gonna be back by August, so we cut down on the talking until we almost never talked by the time September came. She will never talk about me and her until I get back there because she has a hard time believing I'll be back anyway. When we did talk when I came back from chicago, she would ask me DAILY if I'm sure that I'd be coming back by August. Like it was a huge deal for her...so my goal is to hopefully somehow make her think about it and talk to me sometimes but not let me get in the friend zone. (Damn you girls and the friend zone).

But 4 days ago, when we talked on the phone I did tell her I'm coming back pretty soon and we had a good conversation...Yesterday, we texted eachother for a little while, and I was playing around teasing her like I normally did for the most part when we used to talk. And at 1 point she said "I can't deal with guys anymore." Then I jokingly told her "I'm the one guy that made you more comfortable than anyone else :-D" , and she said "I know...I don't forget those things." Don't know what to make of that, but if she really does remember how well we clicked, I'm hoping that would help when I get back over there.

People may say that she probably doesn't like me in that way right now...which is probably true since we don't communicate as much. But I will guarantee that she did when she thought I'd be coming back (that's why I'm worried that talking to her now will get me in the friend zone...since she won't let herself fall for someone that's not there). When I was talking to her after I came back from chicago, she honestly said "I can't believe I'm telling you this but I think God brought you into my life to save me from my ex. I've never met a guy like you and had feelings grow like this" And she said "I'm falling for you....I never thought this would happen with anyone else. I know if you came here I would fall for you." I got this girl to be VERY open with me.

There's really so much more but I don't wanna bore you with all the details...in short, what I know is that her feelings for me really grew, and then when she realized I wasn't coming back by the end of the summer she backed off (I kinda made some stupid little mistakes at this point getting mad because of her "changing" but I see why she backed off), then since then we have barely talked up until a few weeks ago we've been talking more. It's been 50/50 on who contacted first with these texts.

[Pink]

Ok, this post is a bit chopped up, but I wanted to address each question you asked. :)

1. Do you suggest I keep talking to her until I get back to Chicago? Or should I just let it go and let her contact me whenever she wants?

I would continue to talk to her, but I wouldn't go out of my way for it. Call, text or email every now and then to catch up and see how things are going, but I wouldn't do this daily.

2. If you recommend that I still try to keep in touch a lot, should I avoid all talk about me and her? The problem if you say YES to this, is that if I just talk to her as a friend, I'll fall into the "friend zone" and you know how hard it is to get out of that.

Well I wouldn't avoid it completely. In fact, I'm sure it will come up eventually anyway. Maybe ease back into this by just hanging out again (if you do move back) and take things slow. I would not rush back into it.

3. Christmas is coming up...I'm a big believer in not buying a girl gifts unless she's your girlfriend. But DAMN I feel different in this case. Is there ANYTHING I should do on Christmas for this girl?

Maybe get her a Christmas card or gift card for her favorite store. To be honest, I wouldn't splurge on anything. Keep in mind she is still your friend and not the girlfriend just yet. ;)

4. I've had so many people tell me to try to talk a lot to this girl at one time...like for a week or 2, and then just stop texting her. This is supposedly supposed to get her to think about why I just stopped. Now I hate games, but so many people are telling me to do this. Stupid idea?

Yes, stupid idea. No one likes to go back and forth with games. If you're going to talk to her, don't just stop one day out of the blue. That isn't fair to her, and I'm sure you wouldn't want this done to you.

5. Should I avoid all talk about her boyfriend or the guy she started to talk to?

Yes, I would. If you two aren't serious I don't see it as any of your business. Not to sound harsh, but if you're just friends there's no need to get in the middle of it. Know what I'm saying?

6. Can you give me ANY tips I could follow from now until I get back that would not kill chances with her?

If I were you, I would keep in contact with her until you get back in Chicago. Just let things happen naturally like they did in the first place. Please do not play any games with her like you mentioned before. That will only push her away in the long run.

[**Sapphire**]

I think the best thing then is to keep contact open, but not talk to her alot. As stated before talk to her enough & in a general way so as not to get into the "friend zone".

1 thing to think about if you do go into the friend zone while you are away from here, chances are since she shys away from LDR's she may change her mind once you are back in Chicago permanently. So, talking to her now, kind of getting to know her all over again with no pressure while your both apart can be a good thing & can very well change when you move closer.

[Mdraha]

1 thing to think about if you do go into the friend zone while you are away from here, chances are since she shys away from LDR's she may change her mind once you are back in Chicago permanently. So, talking to her now, kind of getting to know her all over again with no pressure while your both apart can be a good thing & can very well change when you move closer.

This is exactly what I've been thinking before I even made this topic. I know 1 of the biggest reason she backed off is because I came back here so I figured I should be a certain way until I get back. In this case, the only thing I can do is talk to her so I've been asking advice from as many people as possible on how I should talk to her. Her long distance thing is so strict that if she had a boyfriend in chicago, and he moved to another state, she would MOST LIKELY break up with him (unless they've been together for years) very quickly.

The other problem I know I'll probably run into is winning her over the other guy she started to talk to, and her ex. I can honestly say this girl has the hardest time letting go of her ex...he was her first boyfriend and they've been together for years. But I REALLY do not see that relationship lasting when I see how long they've been trying to work their problems out since they broke up. I've taken a bunch of psychology classes and the 1 thing I learned is you can't force someone to change, and that 2 completely different personalities will have a lot of problems together...It's a real bad relationship. She told me many stories about how this guy is...1 of them being that she was trying to tell him about how her and her sister got into a fight and he said "Keep those things to yourself I don't wanna hear your problems." and it caused a normal fight between them.

Now the other guy, I really don't know how I'll win her over him cause my cousin (Mia's best friend) told me he's a real good guy and she's been into him. But I think the best I can do is just act like myself and how I acted when I first met her. I don't wanna push it.


Yes, I would. If you two aren't serious I don't see it as any of your business. Not to sound harsh, but if you're just friends there's no need to get in the middle of it. Know what I'm saying?

At first, when me and her talked when I came back from chicago, we were definitely a little interested in eachother but we still talked as friends, and when we did talk as friends we talked about our exes that we both had problems with. She would call me every time she was in a bad mood, and 90% of the time it was cause of her ex. So after all the comforting I gave her, and all the "I'm sorry to tell you this but you're hurting yourself when you keep trying with this guy"...after that is when she started to get into me and then she completely stopped talking about him. When we did talk about something serious and she would use an example that happened with her boyfriend, she would be feel guilty and tell me she's sorry for using him as an example (this happened a few times). That told me she was getting real into me and almost acted like we were together and it was inappropriate to bring her ex up.

So with all that said, IF she does bring up something about her ex indirectly, should I do the same thing that I did before and ask about him? For example, when I talked to her on the phone last week she said "I learned that no matter what you do...you can't change someone." Before...when I came back from Chicago and before she was getting real into me, I would ask her what's been going on with her ex and if she didn't wanna talk about it, I'd let it go. But when we talked on the phone last week, all I said is "yea I've figured that out too" completely avoiding talking about her ex. It's not that it's any of my business, but when I did try to comfort her before about this guy, that's when she started to get more and more into me (after 3 weeks of talking though...compared to now where we haven't talked much at all). IF we do start talk as much as we did before (I doubt it'll happen but if she tries talking to me more and more), should I still avoid talking about him if she brings something up about him? I feel like at this point, the problem talking about him isn't that it's not any of my business, but I'll jump right into the friend zone if I do talk about him.

[**Sapphire**]

She is with someone right now, correct? If that is the case, if she is still with him when you move back to Chicago, then you would need to respect that she's with someone. It wouldn't be the best idea to "win her over" as that can cause problems for all of you.

If she brings up her ex, then sure you can talk to her about it, ask her what's going on. I would think if she brings him up then she would want to talk to you about him. You can be general when you talk to her about him, if she's looking for advice you can give it to her, if she's looking for a sympathic ear, then listen to her ramble on about him & offer up something here & there.

[Pink]

Sapphire pretty much said it right. If she brings it up then sure, talk about him. But I would do more listening than talking in that case. She might just want to vent a little and that's fine, but just be careful when talking about someone's SO.

[Mdraha]

She is with someone right now, correct? If that is the case, if she is still with him when you move back to Chicago, then you would need to respect that she's with someone. It wouldn't be the best idea to "win her over" as that can cause problems for all of you.

If she brings up her ex, then sure you can talk to her about it, ask her what's going on. I would think if she brings him up then she would want to talk to you about him. You can be general when you talk to her about him, if she's looking for advice you can give it to her, if she's looking for a sympathic ear, then listen to her ramble on about him & offer up something here & there.

According to her, she is not official with anyone. But I do know that she is on and off with her ex whether she likes to say he's her boyfriend or not. It's basically like they are together but they fight 75% of the time and they stop talking for a few days to a week, and that repeats over and over again. And my cousin has told me she started talking to another guy a while ago, and she still talks to him and has been interested in him since the beginning. But I don't know much about this guy at all besides that it hasn't went past talking and probably going out (for 2 or 3 months now), and I'm sure the biggest reason is because of her having a hard time letting go of her ex even though according to her she's not with him anymore.

Sapphire pretty much said it right. If she brings it up then sure, talk about him. But I would do more listening than talking in that case. She might just want to vent a little and that's fine, but just be careful when talking about someone's SO.

A few times in the past when I was younger, I talked to a few girls that had problems with their ex. Similar to this but not as bad. What happened though was I turned into a "real good friend". Is there anything I should do to avoid that happening if this girl does talk about her ex to me?

[Mdraha]

Bringing this back up....a family member decided to get me a ticket to go to Chicago for a few weeks as a Christmas present.

Any tips while I'm out there? Should I just not show too much interest (or none at all?) if I see her?

Thanks

[**Sapphire**]

That's a really nice Christmas present. :)

I would try to keep things "cool" with her. If you going back to where you live now after your little vacation in Chicago, chances are if you were to show an interest in her while out here she may not return in knowing you are going back soon.

So, I think to avoid any hurt on your part, hang out with her, but don't show or tell her how you feel just yet.

Keep us posted on how things went when you were in Chicago with her.

[Mdraha]

You don't know how tempting it is to just snap at this girl instead of keeping it cool. I'm the type of person that always speaks my mind but obviously I'd have to just hold this one in (when I didn't hold it with a few girls in the past, it turned out bad between me and them). 1 thing that drives me crazy is how people suddenly change. 1 day she's telling me she's falling for me and then we slowly stop talking. But I don't blame her completely. Me being out here kills everything.

But yea, I think I just have to go there and just try to enjoy my time instead of thinking about her. I'll post back in here and let you know what happens. I'll be gone from the 25th for 2 weeks.

[Pink]

I hope you have a good time in Chicago, Mdraha. Please let us know how it goes. :)

[Mdraha]

Thanks.

I'd just like both of you to know that this girl actually called me today when I was at the gym. I missed the call and was real busy after the gym so I never talked to her but she left a voicemail (which she never does...and it was a very weird one.)

She sounded very nervous...kept repeating herself and kept pausing. It was something like this "hey what's up it's me mia...I'm just calling to see what's up and how you're doing. And if anythingggggg......(3 second pause).....you didn't pick up my call (she acted mad in a joking way when she said that), you're probably doing something so I'm sorry about that....anddddd (3 second pause)...if anything I'll just call you or text you later....or you can call me or text me or something. I don't know. I'll just talk to you later ok. bye"

Doesn't say much when typing it but she said it in a real nervous way. I think she probably wondered why she was the last one to find out I'm coming, assuming someone told her

[**Sapphire**]

It could be that she was nervous about leaving a voicemail, if that's not something that she normally doesn't do. Also, she could have been calling you to ask about your coming back out to Chicago & since you didn't pick up she didn't want to say anything on the message.

Did you get a chance to call or text her back?

[Mdraha]

Yea the voicemail was not something she normally does. When she was real into me before, she used to leave one every time I missed her call but when we cut down on the talking, she never did. This is actually the first time she called me since August. I honestly didn't expect to even talk to her until I get to Chicago.

But no I didn't talk to her yet. From the time she called til 10:30 PM I go to school. I might text her sometime today.

[Mdraha]

OK I got a little update. It's very long but I'll leave some things out...

When I first got to chicago Thursday, she texted me and asked me if I made it here and that's about it. Me and a bunch of people (including Mia's friends) all went to the movies. She didn't come . For the rest of the night and Friday, I didn't see or hear from her. Then on Saturday...me, my cousin, her other friend, and Mia all went out to eat lunch at some restaurant. This was the first time I saw her since I came. We didn't talk TOO much but everything went good.

Then that same night, we all went to Gameworks in Shaumburg (the 21 and older one where there's a bar) with 2 other guys that we know out here. At first nothing was going on and I didn't give her too much attention (I was doing this on purpose so that I don't seem needy). Mia's friend Jennifer (that I met at the same time the last time I came to chicago 7 months ago) was all over me the whole night at gameworks (I have no interest in her). Then near the end, one thing happened that I'm not sure how to interpret. When the other 2 girls were talking to eachother, me and mia were standing around with them listening to them, and then mia stared HARD at me kind of tuning out the other girl's conversation. I looked at her when she did that and then she completely froze for a few seconds and then she turned and had a big smile when she realized she froze. I took it as nothing because I don't wanna assume things. But after that, me and her started talking more and she started following me around while the other people with us were doing their own thing. She was very touchy and everything (the same way as it was the first time when me and her started getting interested in eachother...but she was way more touchy now.) A little bit later, we stopped and talked a little bit about what's going on for new years. I told her that she should come to the party that my cousin (which mia's best friend) is having at a hotel in downtown. She was telling me "I didn't know you were coming so me and the other girls made plans. But it looks like it's not gonna happen and now I feel stupid telling your cousin I wanna come to the party." So I told her it'll be fun but it's up to her.

Right after that, I saw the other 2 guys playing the machine where you try to win a stuffed animal (the claw machine). So I went up and played too on a different machine. The 2 guys each won an animal and they both gave it to the other girls (they're all just friends) and when I was playing it Mia said "aww I want one too" and said "if u win this I'll come to the party"...I wasn't playing to give it to her so that I don't look pathetic trying to win this girl anything, but I would look like an idiot if I didn't give it to her when the other guys did so I won and I gave it to her. After that, Jennifer tried to get all over me again, and she said something (forgot what but it was obvious she was saying something in a very flirty way to me) and I saw Mia roll her eyes and turn away when she did that. Those 2 girls always have a little hostility with eachother but they try not to show it. Then we went home and when I got to my cousin's house where I'm staying, mia texted me and said goodnight. This by itself surprised me. I said it back and then she started a conversation with me (this right here told me she's interested since she started talking right AFTER she said goodnight...if you think it means something else let me know). In that conversation, she said "if you want 1 of these days I'll take u out...my treat". I told her I'll let her know if I get a chance and to remind me. And then she said "Just keep in mind only if you want to. If you don't feel comf you don't have to." And I said "Why wouldn't I feel comf punk? Lol you're not the queen of chicago for me to feel uncomfortable" just teasing like I did for most of the night.

Then yesterday morning she texted me saying good morning and we talked for a while again. Then I told her I'd be busy the rest of the day and that I was gonna watch the bears game and she said "keep me posted I don't have cable lol" but I didn't of course. By the end of the night on my way home, she texted me and said "thanks for keeping me posted punk...gnite" and I said "all you need to know is they sucked...night" and then she started having a conversation again for an hour after she said goodnight til I told her that she should go to sleep since she has work the next day (which is right now).

So far that's where I'm at....I'm sorry for this being so long. I just wanna give the little details so my story is clear. If there's anything that I said that you believe was wrong to do...or anything I should do or keep doing, let me know.

[**Sapphire**]

Sounds like you did all the right things mdraha. Sounds to me too, that she might be interested in you which is a good thing.

See if you can spend more time with her while your in Chicago. See how things go between you both before you leave.

[Mdraha]

So the other day we had a party at the trump hotel and mia and the other girls ended up coming. At first, I didn't pay much attention to her but as the night went on I started talking more and more to her. And sometimes I'd be talking to other people and then I'd look at her and I notice her staring at me and I stare back purposely and she smiles and looks away after a few seconds (this happened maybe 4 or 5 times). After a few hours we sat down and talked for about an hour.

She brought up how she noticed how her friend Jennifer is all over me and she said "I know what she's trying to do shes trying to get me mad." So after some more talking her phone started to vibrate, and I don't know if this was a bad idea for me to say but I said it (I drank a lot). I said "thats your boyfriend check the text." and she said "we're friends". and I said "so check it." And she was like "no...see I'm gonna put it away. I won't look at it" acting like she was doing that so I don't get mad so she didn't look at it the rest of the night.

After some more talking she brought up how she was off of work on the 1st so I told her "you're gonna take me out then." And she started asking me where we should go and everything so I assumed that was a yes. But then on the 1st, she didn't call or text me or anything. So I got a little confused about this. I texted her asking what she was gonna do that night and she said "idk I'm a little tired and I have work tomorrow" so I said "So this one girl was supposed to take me out today but I see that she's all talk." And she said, "Lol you planned it, I never said anything. But I promise I'll take you out before you leave." and I said "we'll see." and she said "Don't ever doubt me punk lol". I got a feeling she spent this day with her "ex".

[**Sapphire**]

So, she didn't tell you why she didn't take you out on the first? That's not very nice to say your going to do something & then not do it.

It does sound to me that she does like you on some level, but maybe she is not trying to let it all out because she knows you will be going back home soon.

Did you think to ask her what she meant by when she said that girl Jennifer is trying to get her mad by hanging all over you?

[Mdraha]

No I didn't really think to ask. But I do know that she brought it up with her cousin linda (linda told me). And I can see that it bothers her everytime jennifer is around me. I can read this girl very easily. She rolls her eyes, gives a dirty look, looks at me sometimes (I guess to see my reaction?)and sometimes just walks away.

And about taking me out...technically she didn't say "yes we will go tomorrow" but when she started thinking of places to take me, I took that as a yes. I mean she did originally plan it in the first place but she didn't say when.

So a few minutes ago I asked linda if she's seen or talked to mia and she said "no I tried calling her to go shopping with me but everytime she has plans she never responds. I hate it when she does this." And I asked her if that means she's with her "ex" and she said "that's what it seems like because everytime he's around she does this" Then she went on and on about how mia is always unhappy cause of him and how all of mias girls just gave up on trying to get her to let him go.

At this point, it seems to me too that she does like me from everything that happens when we're around eachother (the smiling, staring, talking, jealousy), but she is not stable cause of her ex. He is obviously above me which is understandable, but with how bad he treats her I wish I could do something to get her to wanna be with me. I'm a strong believer in talking and giving someone else a chance to get over someone (which is what happened the first time when she fell for me until she saw I wasn't moving back), but now I don't even know what I could possibly do. I know I am not living here right now but my goal was to get her to have feelings for me again and to call me and talk to me as much as before when she fell for me.

[Mdraha]

Ok so now I'm not sure what to do.

Her best friend/cousin Linda is telling me not to even talk to Mia right now. She's telling me to even ignore her texts and not let her take me out because at this point, she would be leading me on since she's still seeing her ex. She told me it's pretty obvious she still has feelings for me but it can just hurt me and hurt my chances if I try to make something happen with her (right now while I'm here) and she still doesn't let go of this guy. She said "she will not let him go right now."

Should I take that advice? The thing about all this is that when I first met Mia, the same thing was going on but she ended up falling for me and almost completely let her ex go. In my mind, I keep thinking "I can do it again." Is this a bad thing to keep thinking or should I take her cousin's advice.

Another thing is that Linda is real mad at her for disappearing the past few days. Mia texted me saying good morning a few hours ago (I didn't answer) and she finally returned Linda's calls. Linda got into a little argument with her for disappearing and Mia finally told her she was with her ex. So Linda is telling me to back off for now because Mia cuts everybody out of her life whenever she has plans with this guy.

One more thing...If you think I should go out with Mia IF she asks to take me out again, I am REALLY tempted to let some things off my chest. I seriously wanna just tell this girl that I'm not stupid and she's not a good liar. Her cousin Linda told me that if I go, she doesn't see why not I shouldn't tell her that. What do you think?

And if you think I shouldn't go out with her, what should I tell her if she asks? "I don't think it's a good idea"?

[Mdraha]

Let me add one more thing. I found out that the other guy she started to like (I mentioned him in the first post) stopped talking to her because she wouldn't stop talking and seeing her ex.

[**Sapphire**]

Why not go out with her & get these things that are bothering you off your chest? Say your piece to her if you get the chance to do it face to face.

Even if she does like you more than her ex, she doesn't like long distance relationships, so when you go back home, she would probably break it off with you & you would be back to square 1. So, no matter what I say keep your distance until you can get back to Chicago permanently, then you can do something more about having Mia in your life.

[Mdraha]

The reason I don't say these things to her is because from past girls I dealt with, every girl that I've told the truth to just got pushed away. Its when they don't get the attention they want that they start to fall for you. With this girl, all I did before was talk to her. That's all it took. I talked to her and made her laugh and now I'm starting to think that that's all I should try to do. But I'm very tempted to just tell her in her face that I know everything and that I know she's pretty much still with the guy and that she's very stupid for letting herself get hurt all the time, but I'm sure that's not a good idea.

And she definitely does not like me more than her ex..I wish it was that easy. He's her first love. I have to stop calling him her ex by the way. There is no way that he's an ex with how she acts with him. I haven't seen her in 3 days because of him. Today, I saw her along with the other girls and she was flirting again and real touchy pinching me and everything, but I purposely didn't talk much to her. Then when we got home, I found out she went out with the guy again after we got home. She's with him as I type this.

[**Sapphire**]

Well if she is with this guy Mdraha, then there isn't much more you can do as far as romance goes.

You could always talk to her about this guy as her friend, let her know your concerned about her getting hurt because of this guy's track record of how he's been with her in the past.

[Mdraha]

Normally if a girl is with someone, of course I back off. Its disrespectful and wrong. But when I know that this girls relationship will not work out with this guy, and when I know she still has a thing for me and she fell for me the last time I saw her, I just wanna do everything possible to get her again. There honestly has only been 3 girls ever that I've fallen for and she's 1 of them. Its very hard for me to really like someone and I've met PLENTY of girls. (I've had other girlfriends of course but none of them compare to those 3 I mentioned).

So I wish I can talk to her just as a friend, but I seriously do not want to in case I get a chance with her in the future. It looks like now that's all I can hope for.

[Mdraha]

I had a long talk with Linda and she told me that I should just stop for now because Mia is not ready. She is very unhappy with that guy but she just won't let him go. Linda went on Mia's facebook (mia let's her) and Mias bf instant messaged her not knowing it was Linda. He sent all these crazy messages starting fights and just treating her like a dog. Linda told me this girl cries and fights everyday because of this. So I decided to just wait until I come back to try with this girl. I hate to do that but I don't know what else I could do. If I do see her again before I leave ill just try to be normal and if this guy comes up, I'll tell her she needs to stop letting herself be unhappy.

[Pink]

It sounds like this girl needs to learn herself that this guy is no good for her. Until then all you can do is be her friend.

[**Sapphire**]

I agree wholeheartedly with what Pink said Mdraha. She needs to realize that she's worth more than being treated badly by some jerk guy.

Until then though, try your best to be her friend, be there for her if she decides to tell you about what's going on between them. She may need a shoulder to cry on.

[dutchdiosa]

Be a good friend. Although it seems like nothing, if you are a good enough friend, she'll thank you for it later. Just remember not to get too involved in her love life. Sadly that can sometimes come back to bite you. Although she may know it's a bad relationship some women are so caught up in the idea of the relationship that they won't let go...and that can be rough. However, just stand there and be a friend, a shoulder to cry on if needed and you should be okay! :)

[ada87]

A few random thoughts

Online relationships don't work unless there is some hope for a real relationship in the near future.

Don't mention her past bfs. Why do you care? You don't want her to compare you with some other guy. You want her to think about you only if you care about her. I know men always compare themselves with other guys. But this is not how women think :) ... about men lol

[Mdraha]

I'd like to bring this back up. I completely forgot I posted on here.

ada87...It wasn't an online relationship at all.

I will be moving back to Chicago at the end of May. Right now it's a guarantee unless something unexpected happens in my life that stops me. So it's been 3 months since I left Chicago to come back to Cali. After I left Chicago, I guess I kinda of re-established a connection with Mia but I decided to back off. She started calling and texting me at least 3 times a week but I ignored it most of the time because I honestly tried to move on. But I did answer sometimes.

Well if you read the 3rd paragraph, last sentence in my first post, you see I mentioned a guy she started to like (his names Kevin). Well after I came back to Cali, I found out she fell hard for him when they started to talk, but she ended up not getting with him and went back to her ex again in October. Because of that, he got real mad and stopped talking to her, but eventually decided to be friends with her. BUT, she always liked him more than a friend (since her and her boyfriend always had problems anyway) and still does to this day. However, they both agree to stay friends but when HE says it she gets pretty mad (happened a few weeks ago). I found all of this out a few days ago from her cousin Linda. By the way, Mia and her boyfriend broke up again in March.

So last week she called me and I answered. We ended up having a 3 hour conversation :thumb:. It started off as small talk for a while, and then I noticed she wasn't feeling too well so I asked what's wrong. She talked about a lot of things in her life that have been a problem and then she really hesitated but brought up Kevin and told me how she still kinda likes him but he plays too many games, he's 7 years older than her, she doesn't trust him that much, and he avoids every question she asks him. She also mentioned she's still not over her ex. I pretty much gave her advice about these guys and told her that she should really try hard to get over her ex because she knows herself he's not good for her, and that if a guy confuses her as much as John does, she should give someone else a chance (me, but I didn't say that). I even asked if she has a thing for anyone else that she would try to build a relationship with and she said, "well..5 second pause...yea....but I'll have to wait and see." I'm the only other guy that I'm aware of (her friends tell me a lot) that she's had a thing for the past year. So I asked her what she likes in a guy just to keep the conversation going, and she seriously described me to the dot and I think she knows that because she knows exactly how I am. What she did a lot of was she said a lot of things like "I like a guy that can listen" and a few minutes later she would tell me "you really know how to listen when I talk" The most obvious one was she said "I need to be with a guy that I can be comfortable with and open up to." Before we hung up, she said "I feel like I can open up to you more than any other guy." She also told me "I know what you want in a girl" and pretty much described herself, but as a joke I said "too bad you don't fit any of those qualities" and she laughed. After the serious talk, it was a lot of flirting and laughing. A whole hour of it. We talked everyday on the phone until the past 3 days we haven't talked much. I KNOW she likes me , just not as much John. It is too obvious with how we talk. I'm not the type of guy that takes things the wrong way. She said so many things, especially in the first conversation, where even a mentally challenged person could see that it's more than friend thing.

So you experts on here lol, what do you think I should do. I'm aware that going after a girl that likes 2 guys isn't the best idea and normally I would back off, but I do know she likes me too which is what's mostly pushing me to keep trying with her (and of course, this girl is so important to me. Never met anyone like her). She's just a very confused girl right now though because of these guys. I was planning on just being close to her and being there for her like everyone on here said until she's over her ex (which is what I did when she fell for me before), but now John is in the picture and I'm not sure what to do to get her to choose me over him when she's finally over her ex.

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome back, I'm glad that you came back here to update us on how you've been. :)

Well, since you are coming back to Chicago soon, why not wait a little bit until your back & then see what happens between you 2 while your here? You don't have to "get her", but you can hang out with her & see where things lead from there.

She's not with anybody even though she does like someone else. She described her ideal guy which is YOU, so I would suggest on not putting any pressure on "woohing" her. Just be yourself, hang out with her & see what happens.

[Mdraha]

I swear every time I make these posts I expect 1 of you to say I'm ridiculous for making a huge post like that. I'm glad there's actually people that help.

My biggest concern is she REALLY likes the other guy (I noticed I called him Kevin and John...let's just call him John. I don't want to put peoples business out there with their real names you know), and he's been in her life now for about 8 months. He's her ideal guy too (according to her cousin, he has a personality a lot like mine) but his problem is he doesn't trust her because she's not over her ex and that's what's really getting to her. I know it's not supposed to be a competition but I feel like I have to do something for her to choose me over him. From what everybody tells me, he's the perfect guy and I don't know how I can be better than that.

[Mdraha]

I want to add something....I was just talking to Linda (Mia's cousin) and she told me that MY cousin told Mia "I will never let you 2 be together."

You do not understand how ****** I am right now. Mia told Linda this a day or 2 after Mia and I had the long conversation so I'm assuming that my cousin told Mia this around the same time. The only reason my cousin told her this is because she thinks I will get with Mia even when she's not over her ex, and Mia will end up hurting me. But I'm not a little kid to be doing something stupid like that.

[**Sapphire**]

Well it sounds like maybe your cousin was looking out for your welfare in possibly not wanting to see you get hurt.

The thing here Mdraha, you don't have to be better than this other guy Mia likes, you be yourself. Don't try to change yourself, analyze how he is & try to overdue him to get her attention. If you do that, then you are not being the "real you", you are being someone else in order to HOPEFULLY gain the romantic interest of Mia.

Be yourself, talk to her, hang out with her, see how things go from there. The reason I say that is the reality is she does have strong feelings for her ex & this other guy. Let's say you 2 were to get together romantically, how would you feel knowing or even thinking that she still has those strong feelings for 2 other guys? Do you really think that you could play 3 string to 2 other guys? Something to think about here hun.

[Mdraha]

Be yourself, talk to her, hang out with her, see how things go from there. The reason I say that is the reality is she does have strong feelings for her ex & this other guy. Let's say you 2 were to get together romantically, how would you feel knowing or even thinking that she still has those strong feelings for 2 other guys? Do you really think that you could play 3 string to 2 other guys? Something to think about here hun.

Believe me, getting with her while she still has strong feelings for other guys is not something I would do. I've told Mia this herself too....That's basically why I went crazy when I found out my cousin said that cause I've made it clear to her that I would never do that, but she went and told Mia and that could influence how Mia is with me. Now if she said "I wouldn't let you 2 get together until you're over the other guys", then I would have been HAPPY that she said that. But she only told her "I'd never let you 2 be together."

I want to go step by step. Step 1 is hopefully getting back to how it was before and have her be really attracted to me again. I guess I am just thinking too much about how to do that so I need to get that out of my mind. I just feel like this other guy is a big thing in my way now. I feel like there is a way to show her that she doesn't need him.

BUT even if she does fall for me again, the next step would be to wait and see if she lets the other guys go. I know that would take time but I know that if I build attraction with her first, it's a much better chance for her to let go of the other guys. I just gotta be real smart about this. I like her a lot and it's really tempting to just get with her if she wanted to, but if I made it that easy for me to be with me then I would definitely be the rebound or backup. If you have any tips to prevent this, please help me out because I don't know what line to make sure not to cross. I've never had a situation like this before.

In other words, I definitely don't want to be the 3rd string, I want to be the one she prefers.

[Mdraha]

Sapphire I have a question....some more things happened these past couple days with Mia and those 2 guys.

They BOTH don't want anything to do with her anymore and they told her that. These 2 are actually are now bumping heads with each other because of her (her ex initiating the problems). According to Linda, she just said "I don't care I'm done with everyone. It's better for me so I can concentrate on myself", but knowing this girl, I know it's really getting to her.

Now some people are telling me that it's a perfect opportunity to try to rebuild the attraction with her with these guys out of the picture (I doubt they'll stay out of the picture but we'll see). Do you agree with this? Or can I fall into the damn friend zone (my biggest fear with this girl honestly) since I'm pretty sure she still wants one of them?

[**Sapphire**]

I'm not too sure Mdraha, it could go either way. I think the best way to know how to approach her now that both the guys don't want her any longer. Is find out if SHE still has feelings for them.

If she doesn't, then maybe you can SLOWLY ease into her heart. I say slowly because she's gone back & forth with her feelings for these guys for a while now, she needs a little time to recoup & get herself back on track.

Now if she has feelings for them still I wouldn't try to draw her to you romantically. Even though those 2 guys don't like her, her feelings would still be strong for them & as such if you 2 were to get together, her whole heart wouldn't be with her. So in this instance I would still wait a bit, let her know a little bit that you are interested, but still give her some space to figure out what she really wants.

[Mdraha]

This is too complicated....In my mind, if I don't try to draw her in, she'll never let the other guys go. This is the type of girl that won't let anyone go AT ALL until she finds someone else. I'm 100% sure she still has feelings for them...She won't just move on after a person that she really has strong feelings for tells her, "I don't want anything to do with you anymore". She just gets depressed until she can't handle it anymore and then tries talking to them again hoping they'd give her another chance again. This repeats until they finally give her another chance.

I feel like what I need to do is just relax for the next month since I'm still not in Chicago, and just keep in touch with her a little bit...and then when I get there, SLOWLY (meaning I won't be around a lot at first) build things up from there. That's pretty much what happened when I first met her. It was during a time when her and her boyfriend broke up and were having problems. We just started talking and got close til she fell for me. I just hope this is the right way to go.

[**Sapphire**]

You do know her best, so if you think this will be the best way to get her interested in you, then go for it my friend.

Concentrate more on her when you get back to Chicago though, it will probably be much easier to help ease her feelings away from those guys when you are there face to face.

[Mdraha]

Definitely...I plan on just mostly backing off for now. I'll let you know what happens if anything does.