Need help getting out!

[PhotogRaven70]

I am sure that there are 1,001 posts on what to do or say and like the others, I think I have a unique case.

I am trying to get out of a relationship that has little or no future and I have no interest in, and haven't for a long time.

Our relationship is a little more than 3 years old. When we met she lost her job, and after a couple months I asked her, and her children, to move in (across the state).

I could describe our relationship as polar opposites, and not in any good ways. For example: Her son would get into a little trouble by hitting other neighborhood kids - it took 9 months to even get her to address this as a problem. (gotta pick your battles she always says)

Seems like every 3 months or so we have a serious fight (yelling over each other, ultimatums, etc) and it's always repeats of previous arguments.

And now, I just have no interest in any conversation and nothing more than that.

I have told her before that I wanted out of the relationship, but she wouldn't accept it, Citing things like, "you should give us a chance to fix our relationship." and I can do this or that or the other thing. And it's another 3 months.

I guess I am asking:

1. How can I fully address this with her?
2. How should I handle our situation (live together 3 years, 2 children) so this goes well, as well as possible, for them.
3. Make it clear, it's done - none of this i can change stuff.


Best regards,

Rick

[Penguin_Woman]

Hi there. Welcome to ATLF. That's quite the situation your in. Well, we will think on it and one of us (or more :) ) will get back to you soon. We're glad to have you.

[Penguin_Woman]

I've a couple follow-up questions. What to you would define a good or acceptable solution to this? Would you make her move out right away? Do you own or rent? Is she on your lease or mortgage?

[PhotogRaven70]

What to you would define a good or acceptable solution to this?

An acceptable solution is a better term, i don't think there is a good way persay. First off, a way with the least amount of pain to any of us. I know you might be think, there is no way around this. But I feel it's important to point that out because in our arguments we have a history of using knives [figuratively] during 'discussions'. So any, advice to keep this as painless as possible is greatly appreciated.

Secondly, I need help with getting the point across. We have skirted this road before but it's always ended with 'I'm willing to change are you willing to try?' card.

I don't want this to be a flip-flop.

Would you make her move out right away?

No I don't think I could do that. But, I don't want to loose site of the big picture. No flip-flop.

Do you own or rent?

Own

Is she on your lease or mortgage?

No...

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Our relationship has been frought with difficulties that can be summed up with a few bullet points:

1. Ultimatums - our differences have been so paramount that the end result has been ultimatums.

2. Both of us are different people when we are together. (If that makes any sense.) It's too the point we don't have conversations much, when we do its factual - the weather.

3. There is always some serious issue to deal with. Oldest getting in serious trouble with the law, her ex, the father of the children, has some SERIOUS personal issues and will cause any problem just for the sake of it.


Thanks for looking into this.

-Rick

[Penguin_Woman]

Well, seems to me this relationship of yours is already over. What puzzles me is why she's hanging on. Are you close with her kids? Is the father still involved in their lives? Well, my suggestion would be to write down everything your feeling and want to say. Then either try your best to get her to listen silently while you read it or hand it to her ask her to read it all the way through then comment. That will give you a chance to choose your words carefully and figure out what it is you want to say. Let her know that it seems like there's nothing really left between you. If she throws down that same card of "I'm willing to work on it if you are". Just leave it down...tell her simply and without malice "No...I'm not anymore". It's a shame that it had to come to this with you guys after 3 years. But arguing everyday and ultimatums are no way to live. The issue with her kids, of course not helping either. Tell her you'll give her plenty of time to find a new place. Good luck. hope it goes ok. Keep us updated