Love just sucks.

[JaneSantucci]

I know I only come here occasionally, but it is so good knowing that there is a group of people I can vent to about things.
I'm in love with an old college friend who lives across the country. We talk for hours every day about all kinds of things. We im, we email, we've even done the video phone calls for going on 8 months now. He has a girlfriend in real life, and it's never been an issue, because we have always been very clear about our relationship being platonic, at least on his end, even though I think if I had a boyfriend who talked to another girl for hours every day, I wouldn't like it too much.
Over time, our conversations began to become increasingly flirtatious and suggestive. We sent each other R rated pictures just to be dumb. Then the other night we were up kind of late and the conversation got really explicit and he told me how much he wanted me, etc etc. I got all giddy from it, which was totally stupid. Then later I told him I thought we'd broken the rules of our relationship - he said he thought I understood it was just harmless online flirting. I guess I am just stupid and naive and I feel like the worlds biggest fool. And the worst part is now he's avoiding me so I'm the world's biggest fool with a broken heart. I miss him so much, but I also am so ****** off that he would take advantage of my feelings like that. I can't tell anyone I know about this because I would just start crying I think, plus who would understand?
Thanks
Jane

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome back Jane, we have missed you. :) I'm sorry to read though that you have come back because you are hurting. :(

Maybe give it a little bit of time to blow off & then contact him again & see if he will talk to you again like he did before. You could possibly try to tell him that the online "signals" got crossed. Meaning being online & reading the written word can be taken differently alot of times. I know that SOME people think I'm not a very nice person or get "wound up" over things when they read what I type, but it's not really the case deep down. It's all in how they read it, you know?

Have you tried to talk to him about it, straighten out the mixed signals?

[JaneSantucci]

Thanks, Sapphire, you always have such logical advice for people when they are feeling illogical. He did say he liked me a lot as a friend, maybe he is just taking a break from me because of what happened. I don't know. It hurts because he thinks it's ok to do what he (we) did, and just be friends. I wish he loved me, but I guess that's just not going to happen. :(

[MickeyDeanEveryone]

No Jane, you are no fool do not think that! HE is trying to play the innocent card because he got really explicit. I think he is afraid to take responsibility for what he said imo. Don't beat yourself up over this, it takes 2 to tango...remember that!
Hope you feel better.

[**Sapphire**]

Mickey does have a good point. Your friend has a girlfriend & he went beyond the boundaries of your friendship, PLUS he did cheat on her. Alot of people think that doing intimate things online cybering etc. isn't cheating, but IMO...they are just trying to convince themselves that it's ok to share intimate words, thought scenarios with someone else, when the REALITY is that it isn't ok at all.

He should have shared whatever happened between his girlfriend & him. Now you are caught up caring for him even more & hurting because of it. Yes it does take 2 to tango as Mickey said, BUT you have feelings for him so him taking things to a more intimate cyber level could very well have made you think he was thinking differently about you, so you went with your feelings.

Give it some time & see if he contacts you, if he doesn't then maybe contact him, but keep it general & see if he responds & go from there.

I'm hoping that what I'm going to type to you next isn't the case, but I do hope that he isn't avoiding you because he got what he was wanting from you. :(

[daisychip]

It does take two but in a way Jane, and I say this out of kindness truly!!, you kinda set your self up for this to happen. You have had a flame for this man and your emotions got the better of you. It's not completely your fault as he has a gf and should not have even went there or disrespected you in that way! Would talking to him still be good or bad?......for you?.......since your heart is involved.

[JaneSantucci]

Wow. This is a really good conversation - it really seems like you all understand. I hope he did not just get what he wanted from me, because that would mean our whole friendship was a lie. And thank you for saying he cheated on his girlfriend - it doesn't make me feel too good about what we did, like I'm some sort of "other woman", but afterwards I emailed him and asked him why he was scared of me now, he said that he had cheated before and didn't want to do it again. Like what happened between us was NOTHING. I just really wanted him to love me back. You would think that by now I would know - I'm almost thirty, not some teenager who has no experience. I just would give anything to go back to having our friendship - it had become so important to me. (I am whining. I know it, and I am so sorry...I hate to be that person, but it just hurts so bad....)

[JaneSantucci]

Just an update, I guess we are friends again. I think we are just gonna pretend that what happened didn't. We were talking today and he was making some kind of silly dirty joke and I just said, "I'm gonna be good" and he said "yeah" and we made smileys at each other, so I think it was just a lapse in judgement on both of our parts. Doesn't mean I don't love him, but at least I haven't lost him as a friend.
God, things can be confusing!!!

[daisychip]

well i'm glad for you that it worked out so fast and well. you did him a favor by pointing it out and now things can get back to normal. you spend so much time talking with him though, how about another bf? just wonderin if you're going to give s/o else a chance?

[JaneSantucci]

Daisy...I guess I'm being stupid, but right now, he's who I want, even if I can't have him. I mean, it's not so easy to meet nice guys and especially one who I can connect with the same way as I do with him. I mean, we talk so much, I just feel like we are soulmates. He has even said that about us, and that we have so much in common and how much he likes talking to me and doesn't want to lose me. So it's a tradeoff, I guess.

[daisychip]

i know what you mean about meeting nice guys. not easy to find for sure. close friends are hard to find as well so if you're ok with the way things are I'm happy for you. maybe one day......

[**Sapphire**]

Good Jane, I'm glad to read that things worked out & you 2 are able to be friends again hun.

As Daisy said, if you are ok with how things are between you 2 & maybe taking time to find a good man, then best of luck to you hun.

We are all here for you if you need us & don't be a stranger as well. :)

[JaneSantucci]

Thank you all so much for listening to me, and being here to help me vent my misery! I appreciate you so much!!

[**Sapphire**]

I'm glad that we can always be here to help whenever you need it Jane. :)

Don't be a stranger, come by to let us know how your doing. Plus there's a lot to read & post to as well. :)

[JaneSantucci]

Thank you, Sapphire! Sometimes I just feel like I have nothing helpful to say, because I feel like such an emotional mess myself so often! I had so hoped to be married and settled down by now, not wasting my love life on someone who likes me a lot but doesn't love me back. But I guess he is company, and he makes my life less lonely. We've talked about what happened and he apologized again, it was inappropriate, and we were both just being stupid. Funny how men can compartmentalize their feelings, huh? Sex is just sex, Friendship is just friendship.... Love is something totally different. I was in a long-term relationship that ended really badly - I think that's maybe why I am in love with him...he is far away and can only break my heart on a limited basis.
Jane.

[**Sapphire**]

Just because he's far away from you doesn't mean that there is a limit on breaking your heart hun. When you've invested your time in someone, talked to them, seen them over web cam etc., you develop the same types of feelings as if you 2 met face to face instead of over a computer.

I think in your situation what makes this MORE is you did/do know him in real life, he was an old college friend. So you have the added remembrance of when you 2 were friends together on top of talking online, flirting & being able to really open up online to each other.

Do you go out much? I would say try to hang out with your friends offline a bit more for now. Let things between you 2 settle a bit. Take up a hobby or go do something you haven't done in a long time or have wanted to but didn't just yet. Maybe having some "downtime" from cyberland will help the feelings you have go away & possibly put what you & he have is a friendship into a better perspective for you.

[daisychip]

just because you feel like you're an emotional mess sometimes Jane doesn't mean you cannot help others. we can often find the answers to our own problems when we can get out of ourselves and aide others. we tend to dwell so much on our own 'mess' that we are unable to see clearly until we can put the focus somewhere else.

there is nothing wrong with you, i don't think. you want to feel safe right now and maybe your not quite ready to 'risk'. it's ok to feel comfortable being single Jane. it's actually healthy you know. I do know what you mean about what you thought would be by now but maybe it's worked out more positively than you realise. who knows...?

[lisa843]

Jane I hope you have been able to find someone else. I know you said you loved this guy...and he wants to just be "friends"...
in my opinion, I would let that go. Nothing good can come of it. If he is 'crossing the line" with you..who knows if he is with anyone else?? I would have trust issues when it came to him...if it were me. Cheating is not just a physical thing..it is also and "emotional connection" as well. Just my two cents...

good luck with all that. Hope things work out the way you want and need them to. ;)

[sscutie]

Hi jane... just wanted to offer a last bit of advice... you should try not to take so much time with him and find others... Dont close your doors to a relationship like that... A few days ago I joined this website called adultspace and I met a girl (im bi, hope nobody minds) who wants to have the same type of relationship as the both of you... Both of us had nice friendly conversation and even got to the point of suggestive talk... I tried it for a few days and actually finding myself kinda falling in love with her but I immediately stopped and told her just to be an online friend (she has a bf and I guess just wanted to have some fun... I mean some people can really be playing with your feelings...

[JaneSantucci]

Hello again everyone! You are all just awesome. I did what a lot of you suggested, and started limiting my time on the computer. I wish I could say something like "and I met this great guy and we are really hitting it off, etc", but that hasn't happened yet, but it's ok. I actually just turned the thing off for a few days, and read a book and watched TV etc, went to a movie with a girlfriend, and started feeling better. My online crush actually got worried about me and sent me an email telling me that, so I was just totally honest with him. I said that it was very hard for me having this kind of relationship where he says he loves me and we are so close - to have it turn sexual was just too confusing. He told me that he considers me his best friend, and he doesn't hate me for having a crush on him. I told him that maybe he didn't hate me for it, but I have a problem with it, and was not sure if I could keep doing what we are doing. He said he understood, but wanted me to know that if I ever wanted to be friends, he would welcome me back with open arms. Sigh...so much for taking a long break from him. Anyway, we still talk everyday, but I am much more comfortable, because he has stopped the overt flirting. I mean we still call each other "dear" and "luv", but that's just how we are.
I just really appreciate all the validation and advice you have given me. You helped me do something that was really hard for me...knowing there are people who have my back gave me the courage.

Lots of Love and Holiday Wishes....
Jane

[**Sapphire**]

I'm really happy to hear this Jane hun, really! :) I'm glad that you got out there & did some things for YOU instead of waiting around online so much for your friend.

He needs to know that you can't be there for him like before as well. He has a girlfriend & you should be able to be free enough offline to do what you want & to also find yourself someone as well.

You will notice as time goes on & you keep on limiting your time online that your feelings will fade & he will be back to being your friend again.

(((HUGS)))

[ada87]

Good thing. He should make up his mind. The platonic thing with a man who is involved doesn't ever work. You will end up feeling like you miss something and he will always want more without giving up what he already have. It will end up in a mess if the gf finds out. I am pretty shore she doesn't really know.

[JaneSantucci]

Hi, everyone. I wanted to say that I think things are going well for me. I am not talking to him as much, and I have been able to use a sense of humor and try to mention his girlfriend more, like asking how they are doing, etc. He said fine, so I said, "good, now you can stop hitting on me when you are bored." He said, Why, when I have two birds in the hand? I am so glad that I had you all to walk through this with me, because I would have been very upset and confused about that statement before, but now, I could just laugh at it, and actually, feel a little sorry for his real life girlfriend, because I could never want to be with someone who feels that it's ok to do what he did.

I mean, I still like him a lot, and I beleive we will continue to be friends, but my romantic feelings have really cooled off.

Thanks again...God bless all of you!!!!!

[**Sapphire**]

Great to hear from you again Jane. :) I'm also very happy to hear that you have set your feelings aside for him & you are able to keep him as a friend & friend only, good for you. :)

I'm glad that we could help you in your time of need, that's what we all are here for hun. :)

[daisychip]

I am glad to hear from you too Jane and that you are not hurting! Any new prospects perhaps? :eyebrows:

[onthink]

It just depends much on luck.