Confused?!

[anon09011105010]

Heres a long story,

Basically, about 3 years ago there was this bloke, he hated me, he despised me, he bullied me. Then all of a sudden after a year this hate disappeared, we got to know each other really really well and then we became very good friends, but from the start i think there was a little spark.
Of course, you can tell where this is going, i had some difficult times to deal with within my family and he was always there for me, helping me through, must have gone through at least £100 a month in txt messages, probably more. He then had a relationship with one of my good friends, this collapsed very quickly and he was upset. A few months past this, after what some people may describe as "outrageous flirting* for several months (hitting, playfighting, giggling, etc, *immature*) we got together, we lasted 3 months, and 3 months of bliss, then we split due to arguments and i apparently wouldnt let him do exactly what he wanted to (i.e sleep with other girls) I was horrified and we didnt speak for a long time. Then when i was on holiday, i discovered i was pregnant. He was already with another girl (with whom he still is) and this was summer 2006, we were not speaking and things were very awkward between us, i had to let him know.
I emailed him to ask his opinion, he wasn indifferent * its not my problem, you can sort it*. It all passed, ( i had an abortion) and we *forgot* about each other. Things resurfaced when we had to work together again. I was still infuriated and upset by him, and deep down i still loved him, but he was not being friendly, infact quite rude, and he was in *love* with this other woman.
Over time, we grew close again, he had some small minor trouble in his relationship and we decided to put it all behind us and forget and be friends again. So it carries on, then we get to the stage, exactly one year later where we are at the stage of being in a relationship again, but yet we are not. People regard us as a couple, but he infact still has his girlfriend he has had since the summer, he treats me like i am his partner, yet, not. As for his girlfriend, he sees her on weekends, he regards her as " immature and annoying, but she has the body and is well developed". For me this is upsetting, i am not the most beautiful figure, i am overweight, but i do care for him.
We are now at the stage where i am worried he is going to cheat on his girlfriend, i dont want to inflict this on her because i believe she *loves* him. I also dont know if this is just a weird game he is playing with me, we have been through so much, and i want him so badly, but i just dont know what to do, is he messing with my head by acting like we are together? or is it genuine? i dont want to ask in case i ruin the friendship again?
Can anyone adivse on the situation?
*i wish to remain anonymous due to the content*

Thank you (i also dont know if this is the right place to leave all of this, but please respond)

[Penguin_Woman]

Welcome to ATLF. We aren't here to judge you at all, though I'm saddened that you chose to abort. But as I said we aren't here to judge you. But I will tell you in the strongest of words not to get involved with this guy again. You've seen what he's capable of: jumping from one woman to another, getting you pregnant but taking no responsibility. I've no doubt he will, at some point break it off with his current gf and try to be with you again. But you need to walk away from him. He seems like a "bad seed" and like he'll never change. If you get back together with him...I'm sure things will be great for a little while. It won't be long, though until your right back where you started. Or worse...because this time he might not tell you he wants to sleep with other women. he may just DO it. I'd hate for you to end up pregnant and alone again and that's all I see you getting from him. I know you love him. But it seems to me the only one he loves...is himself. I'm sorry if I come across as harsh. It is not my intention. Just urging caution. Welcome, again. Glad you could join us.

[mashmac]

He is messing with your head. I am sorry but that is the feeling I have. And the way you describe his reaction to your pregnancy - that's really horrible. I mean even if he wasn't in love with you he should have had the decency to support you, be there for you. He wasn't. And the way he treats his official girlfriend...
I don't know this man but he seems like an arrogant and selfish person who uses people (you and her). It just seems he doesn't respect you enough to treat you like you deserve to be treated.

And if I am totally wrong and he is somehow better than I think he is - then you should ask him to break it off with her and be with you. He has to decide.

Does he actually tell you he is with her just because of her body? Please do not give in unless you get something in return. You got hurt in the past, he could hurt you again.

I do apologize If I am being harsh and I really do not want to offend you but it seems to me you deserve much better.

[anon09011105010]

Thankyou both for expressing your views, and im sorry if i have offended you in my story, i just cant ignore him though, i love him, he is a good friend, and i just have no idea where to go from here.. the worst thing is knowing that he is there, but that you cant have him:(

[summit]

couple things that pop into my mind when I read this, first was the fact he did not care when you told him you were pregnant, to me this was a big red flag, I really have a hard time even believing he cared for you much even as a friend if he disregarded you in that fashion when you told him you were pregnant, it was his unborn child correct?

The second is the fact that you argued because you would not let him do what he wants, ie sleeping with another girl, if you are not comfortable with an open relationship, he should respect this, being as it sounds like he did not, is either A. he was missing something in your relationship that he needed elsewhere, or B. he was using you until something better comes along, or C. both. again a red flag in my opinion

Third is the fact that he basically got what he was looking for afterall, if you are saying you are back in the relationship place with him, yet he is still dating this other girl, is this not the exact scenario you argued about in the first place? Is this what you want?

From a guys perspective I have a feeling he thinks he needs you for emotional love and support (notice how I used the work "thinks" its an insurance policy), and needs her for his physical love, but in the end, he's going to look for someone who can give him both, so in my humble opinion, I think you are just setting yourself up for more heartache, hurt, and arguments, I just dont see him being interested from what you have said in making you any kind of long term love.

[Penguin_Woman]

I agree with both Summin and Mashmac. You may care about him...but he is NOT your friend. He is a walking disaster. I know it's hard to walk away, but just think of the child you once had. It had to pay the ultimate price for him. I don't want you to end up hurt like that again. Like Summit said...he's got what he wanted. He has you, and he's sleeping with some other woman who he feels has a better body. Do you truly want to be with someone so shallow?? Is that the type of person you want as a life partner?

[mashmac]

As Tuxette said we are not here to judge and even If I am myself against abortion - that is not the point nor the point I think she was trying to make.
All three of us agree (Tuxette, Summit and myself) that he treated you very badly in that situation. When you needed him the most.

It must be incredibly hard for you because you love him or else you wouldn't be here but really he has and will destroy what's left of your self-esteem if you give in. Overweight? If you do feel that way, you can change that but for yourself. I had two kids and lost all the weight both times because I wanted to. And I had put loads on cause for once I just ate whatever I could get my hands on! Weight is something you can control. It's a battle against yourself that you can win. Don't let your weight worry you. It has nothing to do with the way you have been treated.

Just hit the gym and pay attention to what you eat and I promise you you will see changes rapidly but you have to have the mental strength to do it. And do it for yourself. What advice have you gotten from people around you who know you both?

You haven't offended us, we are all friends here and genuinely try to help anyone who comes in same way we were helped when we landed (and in my case at least stayed) here.

Perhaps he can change but he should prove it to you - from what you are
saying it doesn't seem like he wants to change in order to be with you.

[anon09011105010]

People around us know of the situation and my closest friends are always on at me "he's a jerk etc, you're better off just forgetting he exists", I have tried to lose the weight before and am in the process of doing so now, but it all seems somehow pointless... I am at a lost end with him because he says he will change and be normal, and then he dosent i have issues with his social behaviour as well, but not that that has any relevance to the issue. I think he just, oh i dont know, i understand what you are all saying to be correct, i just don't think i have the heart to let go....

[summit]

I fail to see how we can help you then, if you cannot let go, but everyone is telling you to get away, you already know what you have to do, but if you dont wanna do it, we can't make you.

[mashmac]

The weight is for you. The reason it seems pointless is because deep down you don't realize it's for you. You are doing it for him or for people around you. It's a mental exercise and you won't actually lose any unless you believe it's for yourself. And I promise - it's so gratifying to yourself to control your body.

As for your man... well put demands on him. I assume you've told him all this? How does he justify having acted and acting towards you now? Does he understand you are in pain?