crying while i spill my guts... long and detailed

[pleasedontgo]

sighh... just like how it always starts out, there was this girl i met. well first a little about myself. i'm 21 and in college, that's it. well i met this girl in a class of mine a few years ago, and instantly i was in love. i had never felt that way about someone before. well we actually grew to be friends, really good friends. only problem is that she's had a boyfriend since before we met. well after i dunno, 2 years of being totally love stricken by this girl, i had to tell her one night. we were at a bar and i was totally hammered, and i told her how i felt about her and everything, and i asked if there was ever a chance of there being and "us", and she said no. ya, it broke my heart, but the feelings never went away. well we got to be even better friends after that, and it never got weird between us like i thought it would. we take classes together and even go out together sometimes, regardless of her jealous *** boyfriend who hates me.

so this is where the sh*t hits the fan. we had spring break last week, and we were both at the same place. well my drunk friend heard one of the girls nailed some random dude on the beach, and that this girl was my friend. we'll call my friend "joy" for this story. so i've got a million thoughts going through my head hearing this. i was angry, confused, and most of all hurt... bad. and i was with my friends and joy with hers, and she came over to say hello to me, and i totally blew her off. i didn't say anything really at all, and i guess she realized something was wrong and just got up and left. well later on that night, i see her friend out, and she comes and says what a **** i was on the beach earlier. and i said, ya, well your friend is a whore, referring to joy. well of course she went and told her friend. (cont in next post)

[pleasedontgo]

when joy heard what i called her, she came up to me ****** off and i called her other names like a mooch and stuff, even though i realize that whenever i give her something it's because i offered. well she stormed off and i kinda shrugged it off and went to a different bar. well i was at the bar, and the next thing i know she is in front of me almost in tears. she told me it wasn't her who had sex on the beach, and she said she was ****** that i'd call her a mooch. then she started crying, and i just leaned in and kissed her. and she said she can't do that, and then she kissed me, and said let's go for a walk. so we go outside for a walk, and we talk. she tells me that she's been in love with me since we met, and when i was having some problems, how worried she was, and all this other stuff. and i was like wtf??? you wait all this time to tell me this? and she went on to say it's complicated between her and her boyfriend, and i said it's ok, you don't need to explain. and i brought up the time that i told her i loved her almost a year ago, and then she said she loves me....

so i'm having serious trouble comprehending all of this. it's what i wanted to hear for so long, something i thought i'd never hear. it took a while for it to sink in, and we ended up going back to my room. i maybe kissed her 2 more times, and we just went to bed, no sex or anything. because she is still in a relationship and i respect that. but i didn't sleep a wink all night. i had the girl of my dreams right there, and i was holding her too, and i just never wanted to let her go. and when she woke up, i was worried she wouldn't remember what was said the night before, and i asked her, did she remember everything she said? and if she meaned it all, and she said yes.

well the next day, i see her at the bar again (spring break), and we talked for not even half an hour, and then we went outside, kissed a little bit, and toook a taxi bike thing to my hotel room. the guy asked us if we were together, and i said nothing, she said yes, that we're getting married next month. and i mean, even though she was just dickin around, it didn't sound weird to me at all, and i swear i wish it was true.

well we go back to my room, and it starts getting hot and heavy.she's totally naked, and i'm in my boxers, and all of a sudden she says wait, i can't do this, i'm still in a relationship. so i got off her and said it's cool i'm sorry for letting it go that far. and she was worried i'd be mad, and i kept reassuring her that i'm not. i told her i don't want you to do anything you'd regret or ruin our friendship. so i put back on my clothes and shoes and so did she. next thing i know, i'm not even sure how it happened, we're having sex. i swear it was the best sex i'd ever had. i don't think i can honestly say that i've "made love" to anyone except her that one time. usually i'm really insecure about my body, which is rediculous, but i felt no shame with her. and it felt so right. it wasn't some horny escapade, it was passionate. i've replayed it all in my head so many times now.

well we went to sleep and i actually slept that night. and we were all cuddled up the entire night. i don't think i'd ever been so happy in my life. and she woke up, and i walked her out and gave her a kiss, and she left. well now we're back in our college town where her boyfriend is, and from what i know, she's still going over there and seeing him and stuff. i don't ever inquire about what she does with him. i didn't expect any differently though, so i'm not shocked or anything. well we've seen each other a couple times since everything happened, and it's like nothing ever happened at all. i don't feel weird and i don't think she feels weird either, so i guess that's good??

but here's the part that is totally killing me... she's moving like 1500 miles away in about 2 months.... i knew about it before we hooked up and she finally told me how she feels. but now i keep thinking about how she's leaving, and what could have been, and if there'd even have been anything? regardless of that, the fact of the matter is that my best friend who i love more than anyone is leaving forever soon, and i can't get over it. i've been losing sleep and crying a couple of times a day. i feel like a weirdo or some kind of freak. i don't know if this is normal or what. but i just can't shake these feelings. this isn't the only girl i've ever been with. i've gone through many girls, before i met joy and even while i was friends with her. but none have ever made me feel the way i do about her. i swear i can be having the worst day EVER, and if for some reason she calls me or we run into each other, my entire day is brightened. i dunno. i just can't help but to think that she is the one. and i don't know how i should go about seeing her goodbye. i feel like when i say goodbye i'll be saying goodbye to the only person i could ever love.

i'm done with that, and wow i'm crying. i am not one to cry over a girl and she's tearing me up. anything you guys can tell me to help me through this, please do so. thanks

[mashmac]

Woah - Sounds like you are really really in love... I can feel your feelings. Why is she moving that far away? And why can't you walk up to her and tell her you love her? You can't let her go away just like that. You guys need to sit down face to face and hold each other. You both need to know if this is it cause it sounds like you could be made for each other.

Can't you go away together somewhere for a weekend?
I probably shouldn't be telling you to do this as she is taken but it doesn't sound to me as she is in love with him but you. Is he moving away with her too? My thinking is if you don't try to find out how she feels, you will regret it, it will be too late - don't let her go away just like that. Follow your heart, reach out to her. It's rare to find someone you really feel for, you've known each other long enough now - it doesn't sound as if it is an infatuation.

[pika]

Your story sounds like a movie to me......but somehow i feel your sadness.....sometimes things doesnt really move the way you want it to be, please pursue it and not regret it when you lose it...

[Penguin_Woman]

Wow...! Well, I'm not sure what to say. she says she loves you, and you love her. Is there a chance you could move with/near her? Does she intend to stay with her bf or break up? I guess all you can do is tell her again how you feel. That she is your love and your best friend and you wished she wasn't moving. Then, if she does leave her bf you could try a LDR. Would you be able to visit her at all?

[aussiecoffee007]

yeah i think if you are very serious about loving her, you need to tell her that you want to be with her and stay with her...
does she plan on staying with teh boyfriend?

[pleasedontgo]

ok well i've seen her a couple of times since everything happened, and we're still cool, and i even joked around a little bit about what happened last week. the thing that is really confusing me is her situation with her boyfriend. i don't think he's gonna let her go. and i don't know if she wants to be let go. i've told her how i feel. she **** well knows it. and i really do not want to push it either.

and we're actually going away for a weekend. me and some friends are getting a hotel on the beach in about a month. we've already got it actually, and it's me, 2 guys, and her... she asked me to come a while ago before anything even happened between us. so i guess i'll just have to wait till then to really talk to her. i dunno.

i'm also kinda scared to ask her about her boyfriend and what she's gonna do with him, and how she feels about me. like i said, i'm scared to push it too far and scare her off. this stuff is so confusing. i really wish i could just move on, because i know that she's set on moving away, i'm pretty sure the arrangements have already been made. so i guess i'll just have to settle for being happy seeing her happy. what else can i do???

[aussiecoffee007]

if she doesnt want to let go of her boyfriend, then you probably have to examine why... if she can love two men at once...

[pleasedontgo]

if she doesnt want to let go of her boyfriend, then you probably have to examine why... if she can love two men at once...

trust me i've thought of this a lot. her bf shows her unbelievable amounts of attention, and i know she loves it. he does soooo much for her, so much that even i am awed. i would do the same i'm sure, if i ever got the chance.

then i feel that she is more "herself" with me. cuz i see them together often and it just doesn't seem like it fits. like she can be goofy around me like she would with her girlfriends, but i don't think she's like that with her man. i'm not sure.

one thing i've always noticed though is pictures of us. i dunno if you guys have heard of facebook, but we're all on it and have tons of pics on there. and when i look at pics of me and her, we're always chest to chest, or arms around each other, or doing something funny. when i look at pics with her and him, they all look so fake in my opinion. like forced smiles and such. i dunno if this is making any sense. and i don't know if i'm right either. i think i analyze stuff a lot and notice little things like this, but i'm not sure if anyone else notices.

[aussiecoffee007]

why doesnt she let you have that chance to shower her with attention? and if they are a forced relationship why does she bother?

[pleasedontgo]

i don't know... i think it's just time i give up. cuz i just called her to ask for the notes from a class of ours, cuz i missed a day, and she's at her bf's place. i mean i don't know what i can do, except just give it up and move on, although i've already been trying to move on for years now. but i think it'll be easy to forget about her once she moves away. i just hope i can find someone else that will make me feel the same way about them, but it actually be mutual. i just feel like i've wasted soooo much time dreaming about this girl and for what?? sure, she told me she's got feelings for me. but actions speak louder than words, and she's made no moves since then.

but the only problem is when i go out, there's just no one that even catches my attention. this girl is one of a kind and i don't want to settle for anyone else, but i guess i gotta.

what do you think??

[aussiecoffee007]

how one of a kind can she be? another guy already found her, and obviously she has some sort of twisted loyalty to him... i agree, if she did love you SHE WOULDNT NEED THAT OTHER GUY. love is a monogamous thing, its a strong emotion. i dont think you need to settle, i think you need to realize her for what she is.

[pleasedontgo]

yes, i try to just tell myself all the time, we're just friends. just really good friends. honestly this whole situation makes me feel pathetic. i keep trying to put a wall up and get rid of these feelings. is that the thing to do???

one thing i've been thinking about lately is maybe i'm just infatuated with the one thing that i simply can not have... do you think that could be it?

and about her being one of a kind... i'm not even sure how to describe it. everyone that i've introduced her to and people who know her think she's the nicest and coolest girl ever. she is.

i just don't know how to go about getting her out of my head

[jimbo666]

i read all of your posts and that really sux...i'm sorry...i was in the exact situation with my best friend except when i told her i didnt get a good reply back...in fact our friendship is over now because of that....i loved her very much and whether or not she will admit it i KNOW she loved me too....friends dont do and say the things she always did to me...i'm still hurt about it but at the same time i feel as though i deserve better than her...she is wonderful but i would like someone younger and i would like my own kids someday....she has 2 from 2 different guys and marred a different guy that isnt a father to either....anyway, thats a very very long story but very similar to yours...

[aussiecoffee007]

i think you should try to move on, shes obviously in no place to be in the kind of relationship you want... and perhaps you do want what you cant have...

[summit]

Of course I tend to disagree, in my opinion I do not believe love to be a monogomous thing, people are torn between 2 loves all the time, in my opinion you fall in love with someone based on how they make you feel, and anyone that has dated and loved a few times knows that the way they love their siginificant other is for different reasons everytime so in my opinion you can love 2 people very easily for different or the same reasons.

Personally to me it sounds like she may be in a sort of love triangle, she has feelings for you, which would be new and exciting, and shes probly curious to pursue them, but would not want to loose the friendship you have, then she has feelings for her boyfriend, security, safety, knows what to expect, could you imagine being caught in this sort of situation? Could this be a possibility factor in why she might be leaving? Maybe she cannot decide, pressure is getting to her and needs a fresh start like you were talking about doing for yourself.

If it was me, I would sit her down and lay it all out, the whole truth, every detail, if no one gives you the feeling she does, then fight for her, otherwise your going to be living the rest of your life wondering about the "what ifs". Put it this way, what have you got to loose? at the very least you may as well give yourself some closure and answer the question thats been burning in your gut for some time now, and thats if you 2 can be lovers right?