Am I being paranoid?

[cand26]

Hey, i'm new to the forum.. hoping you guys can shed some insight on my situation.

I'm seeing a girl long-distance, we met about 6 months ago through a mutual friend.. we see each other for about a week every 5 or 6 weeks. She's a 1 hour flight from me and we both make efforts to see each other. She's 21, i'm 25. Everything is going well and she's been talking about moving down here next yr. However i've started really liking her, more than i have anyone in ages but with that has come a feeling of paranoia and occasional jealousy whenever she goes out and parties with her friends. Basically it stems from a night not long after we first got together, she sent me txts at 2am one night trying to get a rise outta me which totally worked.. something along the lines of 'hey you i'm really turned on and you're not here..' then 'I'm with kyle and i'm turned on and you're not texting me back' 'You better txt me back, i'm seriously turned on i'm with kyle' etc etc. He's a close friend of hers from their circle and from years back whom she had a couple of brief encounters with before i came along, and i know there's chemistry between them. That's way back though and she apologized profusely and has never done anything like that since.

But ever since she did it i get intensely jealous whenever she mentions him. She also tells me about guys who flirt with her at bars or other guy friends whom she's had moments with before me but whom she also still hangs out with a lot. She's only slept with 3 people before me but i cant help but feel jealous and constantly wonder all the time since i'm not there. She's going to an end of school party this weekend and is staying at a guys place who she has got together with before (but not slept with) along with about 10 of her friends. Am i justifiably jealous and paranoid? Or am I being ridiculous? I've been cheated on once in the past, she knows this and always says she's not like that and would never do it, though alcohol.. other guys and history with them makes me doubt.

I just don't want my feelings of jealousy to ruin things between us if they're not justified, she has no idea i feel like this. I don't like feeling insecure about the whole thing. Any advice appreciated, especially from you girls :)

Also on a lighter note, i like her so much more than i have anyone.. i dont think i've ever experienced 'love' could this be it? Should i tell her?

Thanks, sorry about the length!

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome to ATLF cand26, I'm glad that you joined us here. :)

Well I think she could have planted the "seeds of doubt" when she sent you those text messages. Even if she was trying to get a rise out of you, or joking (in her mind) it still wasn't the best thing to do. You are in a long distance relationship & things such as she did in her text messages plant those seeds & it's hard alot of times to get rid of those thoughts.

Were you ever jealous BEFORE the incident with the text messages?

[Pink]

Hey, cand26. :wavey: Welcome.

That wasn't right of her to send those messages to you. I would of been upset as well. Do you think she'd be okay with you texting her saying you're turned on around a female friend? Probably not. To me that's really rude and it would raise an eyebrow for sure.

I'm also wondering the same thing Sapphire asked..

[cand26]

Yeah I was, slightly and she knew that and even admitted thats why she did it. She has apologized for that night and she knows it was wrong of her. She said she did it to get a reaction out of me, or something to that effect.. she also said when she really starts to like someone she starts to push them away by doing dumb stuff like that, personally I dont get it but i have heard of people doing this. I had seen photos of her with this guy at parties on her facebook page and there was always physical contact, close proximity and chemistry between them - you can just tell, and overheard her talking about him and me at the beginning saying she was much more attracted to me.. and she's admitted to almost sleeping with him a few months before i came along.. so thats why i felt a little jealous whenever he was mentioned. She knew that i knew all that stuff and that it would be the best way to get at me...

Anyway, I don't hold it against her anymore, we all make mistakes and that was a small one - we'd only been together about a month she apologized and regrets it. But it's stayed with me and kind of been a catalyst for this major jealousy thing whenever she's spending time with her guy friends...

[cand26]

Oh BTW, this is what prompted me to post here. She's going away for new years to a festival with all her friends (im not going to be there).. they're staying in a hotel together for about 5 nights.. it'll be alcohol, maybe some forms of mood enhancers etc and he is going too!!! Argh this frustrates me alot.. i mean i know they were friends before i ever came along but she has this whole thing with him.. am i being stupid not to trust her?

[aussiecoffee007]

well in long distance relationships, trust is key, especially with exes or people you "almost sleep with" and no wonder you are so worried :( its one thing if it was a one-time mistake and she was being mean to you to get a rise out of you, sometimes in a LDR you want your bf to get kinda jealous so you know they still care about you and still care about whats going in your life despite the distance, so that part i cna kiiinda understand (although three texts and turned on adn all that, thats a bit much), its just not a very girlfriend-y thing to do to your boyfriend, drive him insane with someone you know he gets jealous of.

is he going to stay in the hotel with them? in teh same hotel? well, i get that they are friends before you came into the picture, but she does owe you a certain amount of respect that you two are together. maybe she can still go, but why does he have to go? this is tricky because its a really good opportunity for her that she probably planned with her friends, but you cant disinvite him, but you dont want him there... hmm. why cant you go? is there another time she could go? why is he going?

[cand26]

Yeah thanks very true.. basically the thing with them all going away is its a festival and they've all paid 200 for tickets and 300 each for the hotel etc etc so it would be unfair of me to expect her to bail now, plus why should she have to if theres nothing to worry about right?.. Tickets are sold out plus i don't want to invite myself that would be up to her.. but yeah just a little uneasy about it.. i think you're onto something there about trying to make me jealous to see if i still care.. we've had many phone conversations with her getting upset that i don't seem to give enough, or make a big enough effort with her.. she actually cries sometimes on the phone to me because she says she misses me so much. I handle the situation a bit better, while i like her a lot i tend to just focus on when i will see her next or talk to her rather than how i can't see her all the time ya know?

[**Sapphire**]

This upcoming trip is something pre-planned & also alot of money has been put out, so yeah she really can't back out & the guy can't either.

Maybe what you can do is have a talk with her tell her of your uneasy feelings in regards to this guy. Maybe tell her that you think he might try something with her. You can't really set boundaries when she goes because that could set her off & make her think you want to be bossy. It's kind of a hard situation when 1 or the other person in a relationship goes on a vacation for a bit.

She should understand & also respect you enough to know where you are coming from & also keep that guy at arm's length.

[aussiecoffee007]

why wouldnt she invite you then? i mean, out of the guys she should want to come, YOU should be it, plus if you two are long distance doesnt that mean she doesnt see you a whole lot?? so wouldnt she WANT to go on a vacation thing with you?

i know what you mean... i think she is just afraid that you dont care as much about her as she does you, adn that scares her to know her feelings could get totally trampled cuz she fears you will call one day and be like, 'oh sorry, this jsut isnt going to work for me' and so she tries to get you jealous so that you will "care" more about her, call more often, get a little more possessive, jealous, whatever. it could be that she misses you so much and then she tries to get rid of that feeling but trying to piss you off, because if youre angry with her, she cant miss you as much.

sounds crazy, but ive been there.