i want to get back but she doesnt

[jjj]

hi ill try keep this short..i broke up with my ex bout 3/4months ago and i cant stop thinking about her..we were together for about 2 yrs but for bout 4 months we were arguing all the time..i think back on it now and realise that she tried so hard to make it work..all our friends say that too...and i feel so stupid for pushing her away..but i believe i did so because i fell in love with her and im not a very emotional person..nd my reaction was to push her away...i have learnt my biggest lessons from this...i feel iv change as cliche as that sounds..we are still friends but i want to get bak cause im constantly thinking bout her, but she doesn't for 2 reasons..1.shes with some1 else and 2. she says i hurt her too much...i used to think (aswell as friends) that she moved on too quickly but i think that iv been pushing her away so long and that she had this person there that listened..to her ***** about me..lol..we still talk alot about us and other stuff but she told me once to move on and stop messaging soo much (which i think i do do a lot) because her new boyfriend doesnt trust her..some friends have told me to keep pushing for her and others have told me to move on and if its destined to happen it will in the future..im not sure whether i should stop talking to her altogether for a while or keep talking to her..there are a few other issues...she is going away overseas next yr for a yr and i am for half a yr...i thought i might surprise her and see her when i have a break but she just told me her bf is going to visit her on his break...and i dont know if im feeling what im feeling because this was my first serious relationship as well as hers. and also..we talk or msg everyday..even though she told me to stop msging so much...and i stop for one day...she will call me or msg me..we have done this since about a month since we broke up..and she still has photos of us when we were going out on facebook and only has one photo of her and her new bf..what does this mean??

[Tony]

welcome to the ATLF jjj
nice to have you with us here

sadly you are having to learn your lesson the hard way with your ex gf
she has moved on form you and it will take you some time but I also agree with your friends I also think you need to let her go as well and take some time to heal

she does not want so much contact with you anymore that is a signal to back off
your ex has said to you that you have hurt her too much, arguing with her and pushing her away would have been the last straw.

I would like to say to you to try and get her back but I don't think you should try as she now has a new bf.
honesty as you have learned from this relationship with the mistakes that were made its time to move on.

having less contact with her is a good idea as you still have strong feeling for your ex and you need time to heal from your feeling's for her

with the photos on Facebook maybe she just sees you as a friend now or she being open with her new bf.

I look forward to other ATLF member opinions on your situation as well

[aussiecoffee007]

well since she is with someone else now and she has said yuo hurt too much, i would say... im sorry for you, but respect her wishes... shes been honest with you about her pain and she doesnt want to get hurt again by you, adn if you try to pursue her you will ending up hurting her more--either she gets back together with you and isnt thrilled or just gets confused about her boyfriend and either way, its not good for her. shes trying to do the best thing for her right now and youve got to respect that.
i sitll have photos of exes sometimes because its a part of my life thats past me, but that doesnt really mean anything.

[**Sapphire**]

Welcome to ATLF, I'm glad that you joined us! :)

I have to agree with what's been given to you already jjj. She has moved on, she has a new boyfriend, I don't believe that you & her can reconcile. She's stated to you that you have hurt her alot & she doesn't want anymore contact.

I think it would be best to do what she has asked, no contact & you move on with your life as well. Sure it will be hard as you still care for her, but there's nothing you can do. If you try to get her back, all that will do is push her to the point of getting angry at you & maybe even talking about you as if you were a stalker or stalker type.

[jjj]

thanks for the advice..it is much appreciated..i think iv always known what to do but just didnt want to do it..iv stopped calling her but she keeps calling me to talk or catchup..i have told her that i needed some time not talking to her to move on..i hope that we can move on peacefully and hopefully be friends in the future as she's suggested but not too soon...again thank you all

[**Sapphire**]

Your welcome jjj, glad that we could help you when you needed it. :)

If you think it's best not to talk to her when she contacts you FOR NOW, then you are doing the right thing for yourself. Maybe in the future when your feelings aren't so high still, you 2 can maintain a friendship.

[~Teej~]

I think you need the space away from her before you can consider being her friend...You need time to get over any of your feelings you have for her.

I agree that space is the best thing right now.

[aussiecoffee007]

well that sounds good, i hope she can respect your wishes and let you do your own thing to get over her. she probably was just trying to be friendly :(
i also think space is the best thing right now, just to get the emotions under control and not be in pain all the time :(

[jjj]

i am getting over her..slowly and i dont have as much feelings for her..but she still calling..calls or msgs about every second day:S..she's also told me that her bf gets angry that she talks to me so much but she said she doesnt care..she understands wheres he's coming from but she doesnt want to loose me as her friend..i dunno whether she just using me as a safety net or she really does consider me as a good friend?!?!..oh yh and every time we talk we always some how bring up our relationship..good and bad things...i dunno if that makes a difference

[**Sapphire**]

That's good that you are slowly getting over her jjj.

Do you feel that you would like to have her as a friend?

She may want to be friends with you, but it's all in how you would feel being friends with her.

[aussiecoffee007]

yeah agreed, if you think its too hard to be friends with her right away dont feel pressured to be friends. a friend shouldnt make you feel like you are a "safety net" or used in any way...

[Jackee]

If you play your cards right, this time of her not being in your life will only be temporary...so don't jeopardize any chance of getting her back by pushing her further away. Don't act like she means nothing to you and you were considering leaving her yourself...but respect her decision and needs. It's far healthier than starting a fight.

Relationships don't heal themselves, and this is all up to you. The only person you can trust to accomplish anything towards that goal of getting her back is yourself, so take matters into your own hands and do what it takes to get her back

[jjj]

hey all...i have finally gotten over her..lol..although i do think bout her every now nd then as you do!..thanks for all your opinions and advice it has helped me heaps..however she still msgs me but this time sayin that she misses me nd wants to catch up...she will msg me everyday for a week then stop for a week, then start again...then she writes back sayin that she hates wen i dont reply straightaway...i still do want to be friends with her but i noe her new bf doesnt like it wen we talk...i dont wanna reuin her new relationship but i still wanna b friends with her nd i feel that she does too especially sendin me msgs and emails like the ones she does...do i try be friends or stay back??

[Tony]

my opinion jjj is to step back from her
I think her new bf is also having a problem with you even just trying to be friends with her.
its always nice to end things as friends but some time things don't work out that way
I can understand if she was to contact you from time to time but not in the way you have described by her contacting you in that way she is not putting full focus into her new relationship.

stepping back could be the best thing all round
you could even answer her emails by simply saying to her that you would like to remain her friend but she needs to focus on her new life and she needs to put her new bf first
and that you will be in contact from time to time

[**Sapphire**]

I agree with what Tony said jjj, keep your distance & you can be "friendly" from afar. Message her every now & then, but that's it.

[Avathar]

Trust me I have learned from a recent break-up...that if you give your ex time away and cut all communication and blow her off nicely...she will try to make truce. My ex went from i hate you **** you...you will never be a friend of mine **** any new girls you want as hard as you want becuase you will never have me to->i have been thinking a lot and when i saw you i realized how much i missed you and hopefully one day we can be friends or more if the opportunity arises ALL IN 2 DAYS. The first day she contacted me and told i looked nice and i blew her off said basically thanks...bye and then the next day she told a big long speach.

Bottom line is..if they really care about you give them time to miss you and act like your doing fine without them.

[Katie1122]

Trust me I have learned from a recent break-up...that if you give your ex time away and cut all communication and blow her off nicely...she will try to make truce. My ex went from i hate you **** you...you will never be a friend of mine **** any new girls you want as hard as you want becuase you will never have me to->i have been thinking a lot and when i saw you i realized how much i missed you and hopefully one day we can be friends or more if the opportunity arises ALL IN 2 DAYS. The first day she contacted me and told i looked nice and i blew her off said basically thanks...bye and then the next day she told a big long speach.

Bottom line is..if they really care about you give them time to miss you and act like your doing fine without them.

I would agree with that advice... have NO CONTACT with your ex for a few weeks... and almost 99% of the time they will miss you and literally be BEGGING to come back to YOU.