The empty feeling

[Tuxie]

When you've just gone through a breakup, there's a period of adjustment... especially if you've spent great amounts of time with that departed partner. How many of you have experienced this? And.... what things did you do to counteract the feeling of loneliness? What suggestions do you have for those going through this difficult time?

[mashmac]

:confused:
Well, that is probably the hardest time. To fight that feeling of sinking, gasping for air, thinking constantly about the person is simply not possible especially if you made "concrete plans" to actually be together. To live together very very soon. If you "block"that feeling it's like cancer. It will come back at you and it will be even worst.
:washing:
No drastic measures, no miracle cure, it will take a long time - almost proportionate to the time you've been with the person. Someone once told me (and I might have mentioned it already on this forum) it's like going to AA meetings. One thing I found surfing was this forum. It helped me immensely but I have posted about that already.
:newangel:
If you do believe in God - go and talk to him about your pain. There is something quite soothing about empty churches. I liked crying there.
Talk, write, voice, describe what you feel and allow yourself to feel as if nobody else felt like this before. And be ready for that sharp stab at your heart that will bleed over and over again every time it all comes crushing down as you remember. Be ready for it. Do not be afraid.
:amen:
:sheep:
And finally - here I am proceeding with caution I really was against it before - if you can feel and you will know this that it is all too much, that somehow the emotional damage is more complex - seek medical advice, go and see a therapist. Do not under any circumstances swallow anything without a therapist. Dopamine, seratonin based medication and similar drugs come in a million of different forms. Every treatment is done so it is suits a particular individual. Because we are all different.
:jaw: :shocked:
It's a very confusing, chaotic, irrational time and there are very few answers. Baby steps, just tiny little baby steps is what you need to be aiming at right now. Take notice of every little spark in you and follow it. You will still think the loved one is coming back, the realization they won't hasn't happened yet (unless you are one of those lucky ones: lucky because they will come back, lucky because you've realized they won't) and as long as
it doesn't happen - this limbo state will carry on.
:hurt:

[EC]

The period of adjust is going to be there for a while, I hate to give time line as people deal with themselves (I said 'themselve') differently to overcome the hurt and pain, after that you will feel like you're okay now, with unexplained feelings.

Closure is what many will need from their partners, things they have always wondered. It's not totally a good idea to try to get that closure when you haven't got over it all. There will be thing you do not want to hear, be honest but be sensitive to the feelings of your used-to-be other half.

Do things you used to do that represent yourself things that will make you happy. Go to watch or play your favorite games of football, tennis, bowling and other sports, the crowd cheering plus the game atmosphere usually make you forget things for a while.

Buy new shirts or get new bedsheets, you don't want to walk into your bedroom after a long day of feeling better just to see the things you used to use together with your partner and feel down again, watch out on spending though.

Talk to your friends but don't make topics about her, and if they give their opinions only take the good advises, you want to keep the good experience in your heart not resentment and pain. Especially important if you might have a little thought in the back of your mind that reconciling may happen in the future. Many say / tell things to their associates, friends and families about the relationship that could hurt them if they get back together with their partners, something are better kept to yourself.

Listen to positive music, I find this to be effective way to feel better which some don't realize how much it helps not to listen to sad music day in day out. Same goes with movies, start watching comedies and news instead of the same old crime scene stuff, it will the depress the **** out of you.

Start reading your favorite books again, there's a book called "The Five Love Languages", good book. Start listening to James Morrison :) (Sad songs, damn good voice, meaningful lyrics, an exception from the happy songs theory for me!). While I drive, I usually have my windows up, turn on the song fairly loud and sing along (on top of my lungs!) with my favorite music, man, that helps!

Seek to understand yourself, your used-to-be partner and your situation. Understanding will make it easier to come to terms, it's necessary in order to forgive, cry if you need to, it's not being weak, it's just being honest and admit our own feelings which helps avoid breakdown and doing silly things.

OK, this is an edited part since I didn't see Mashmac's reply before posting this. Medication would be the last thing I want Tuxguy to resort to. It suppresses the feelings by messing with chemical in his brain, no good. If someone is suffering a lot they need to get better / feel better for real, not just during the period the effect of the medication is still potent, no offense but it's like drinking alcohol just to forget things for while, except alcohol makes you an idiot while under it's influence.

Acknowledging the pain and the reasons, try to understand and get it out of the way. Therapy is a good way to get understanding and to understand (were you talking group therapy?) as you sit in a group of like-hearted people, all hurting, all sad. You get to hear other's situations which could be ridiculously worse than yours.

Once you get through all these things from top of my post to the bottom, you would at least have an idea of what you want to do.

[mashmac]

EC - I was talking one on one therapy which was what I thought would work for me better and this forum is my "group therapy". So I am kind of combing both.

Tuxguy - On a lighter note: once that first devastating stage has been put in a "controlled environment" you will be able to start channeling yourself and your energy into
the healing process. But more on that when the time comes.

[EC]

More about acknowledgment, just want Tuxguy to know that every dose of pain that hit you right now are part of healing process, be strong.

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Also, about time you pay attention to my signature :p

[mashmac]

This what doesn't kill you makes me stronger... I always wondered stronger in what, for what, against what... So nobody can hammer my head into the ground once again and can never get hurt me again? So I can never feel again?
Bla bla bla...

Just as long as it makes me stronger and I can make it back to the gym again and I'll be happy. That little bit of belly left after two births is driving me nuts!
(You guys wouldn't understand..):)

[Tuxie]

Thanks guys. :) Thanks EC for that siggy. ;)

I think my main problem is I don't want this (the relationship) to end.. my mind wants to draw this out. I told myself, today, that I need to just cut it out. Saying it and doing it will be two different things I am sure.

[EC]

No worries Tuxy :D

Mashmac, I didn't know the meaning of that too until I've gone through all these dramatic changes in so many things just in the past 5 months or so.

To me personally, my experience of What Doesn't Kill You Only Makes You Stronger is, I've matured, learned to admit my mistakes, understand why I made those mistakes, understand and acknowledging the hurt and pain, got on my feet and not knees, understand and support the woman I love who hurts me, rely on myself, believe in myself, learned what's really important in life, stopped taking things for granted, do things that make me happy.

By the way, anyone listened to Silence by Delerium yet? It's a song.

[mashmac]

It would be so easy if you wanted it to end. Tuxguy, you are still in love. Your heart and your mind hasn't ended it. Unfortunately you have to endure it. And, although some of you might disagree - you can tell her this.

There is no law that prevents you from telling her that you still love her. I did. And he would tell me the same thing they all do.. I do to but the circumstances are such....it's just not possible....and more of that nonsense. Bottom line is he didn't cause if he did - we wouldn't be having this conversation. I am now strictly following the no contact rule. (AA method). But it's too early for you yo be able to control it just yet.

[potatoes]

what are the things or steps they teach u at these meetings to understand your feelings and to get over it? I've cut off all contacts with him cause it hurts me still.i told him i loved him. i told him i've made a mistake and that i'm truly utterly sorry.But it wasn't enough for him. So now, what else could i do to get over him. My heart wants him, I still think of him but I know for sure I will not have another chane. what's the next step?Move out of my country?

[Tuxie]

By the way, anyone listened to Silence by Delerium yet? It's a song.
No, I haven't. I'll go look for the lyrics now. What's the style of music EC?

Interesting lyrics EC... maybe you should post them. ;)

[EC]

Lyrics alone for the song Silence is not that significant if posted, but if you listen to it, the mood builds up and you start to float and flow with it, it's an awesome song.

I wasn't into New Age (style) before, but now I am. Only for a few good artists though, in order of preference below:

Delerium - The album has to be Karma other ones are ordinary
Enigma - Love Sentuality and Devotion is the best album if I remember the name
Enya - Some songs are okay not everyone's cuppa
Deep Forest - Some songs are okay not everyone's cuppa again

I've been listening to James Morrison for months and I never got bored of it. Lyrics are pretty much straight forward and are the things most people can relate to. Awesome voice, his songs are quite sad, but worth listening to for the shattered hearts.

As for Delerium's lyrics here it is, Sarah McLachlan's voice just eats away my soul, love it!:

give me release
witness me
i am outside
give me peace
heaven holds a sense of wonder
and i wanted to believe that i'd get caught up
when the rage in me subsides

passion
choke the flower
'til she cries no more
possessing all the beauty
hungry still for more

heaven holds a sense of wonder
and i wanted to believe that i'd get caught up
when the rage in me subsides

in this white wave, i am sinking, in this silence
in this white wave, in this silence i believe

i can't help this longing
comfort me
i can't hold it all in
if you won't let me

heaven holds a sense of wonder
and i wanted to believe that i'd get caught up
when the rage in me subsides

in this white wave, i am sinking, in this silence
in this white wave, in this silence i believe
i have seen you, in this white wave, you are silent
you are breathing, in this white wave i am free

[Tuxie]

EC... I'm confused. Is Sarah McLachlan in this group (Delerium)? I love her voice btw... :)

[mashmac]

What you are doing(no contact) is right no matter how painful. No contact or you will relapse and all your struggle is for nothing. It's too much to endure.
And eventually one day you will realize he is not part of your comings and goings.

Although, in your situation - if he was to clean-up, pay off his debts - would YOU want to be with him again? You hurt his pride but perhaps.. I don't know but it seems to me that he still cares about you too so perhaps...
It would be so nice to have a happy end to this!

[jimbo666]

hey! i'm so sorry to hear about ur break up...i wont go into details but i do know that it is a good thing for u...u deserve better i know so ok...i hope u can get over it someday and find someone worth ur love and time....good luck.

[potatoes]

thanks mashmac... your encouragement means alot. Now i'm just praying that i will make things right, move on and have the courage to walk through this someday

just maybe...someday...when I'm ready for a real "blessing" and when I do get it..then I'll be fruiittttful :o

[Tuxie]

*pat on the back to jimbo* *hug to potatoes* :)

[jimbo666]

i'm so sorry tuxguy i know ur hurting and life sux right now....i could say at least u had someone but i know u dont wanna hear all that...i feel bad for u i wish that didnt happen to u. i think everyone deserves that wonderful love everyone dreams about but in reality very very few ever find it and i hope u find it someday. i like to think i am more than deserving for it but apparently i dont even deserve to be loved so yeah....anyway thats a different story and a different topic...all i can say is please dont let it bother u too much but i know it will and try to meet someone so wonderful u'll forget all about tuxgal...like i said i KNOW u deserve better and u will find better...just have faith....thats hard to hear cuz i hear it all the time but i do believe it no matter how much it pisses me off...i want love so bad its impossible to describel...i know u hurt and u hurting makes me sad...i care about everyone and their feelings even though everyone thinks i'm a heartless ******* i'm really not....i have the biggest heart in the world just no one takes the time to see that...i want to help u tuxguy in any way i can and i want u to find that fairy tale love that u deserve and i believe u will someday....don't get dis-couraged everyone does, even I...god do i get discouraged so much...i hurt everyday and i dont want that for anyone else...and i also believe if u can get over it and be happy then u will find that love u deserve...i may be young tuxguy but i have learned so much u wouldnt believe...i wish u the best of luck and i will pray for u to find the love of ur life....also i wish i knew what to say and if i say something wrong i'm sorry i cant help but get drunk every night cuz its what keeps me alive and sane...please dont ever get to the point i am ok?...please make that promise to me tuxguy ur much better than that....ok well maybe i'm sayin too much sorry...but i am here for u and i will always be willing to help u and anyone else cuz i do care and i hope u and everyone else sees that someday...

[Tuxie]

Thanks jimbo. :)

They say we all have someone out there for us... someone special. We just need to keep looking. Someday, we'll bump into them. But... we won't see them with our head down. Chin up!! (good advice to us ALL)

[mashmac]

Jimbo - do you really as you say:

"...i cant help but get drunk every night cuz its what keeps me alive and sane...please dont ever get to the point i am ok?..."

That has to stop. Now. That is very dangerous. Things happen when you get drunk, sometimes awful things.

You clearly need to talk to someone in the real world. Parents, siblings? That is a real problem.

[Maj]

Thanks guys. :) Thanks EC for that siggy. ;)

I think my main problem is I don't want this (the relationship) to end.. my mind wants to draw this out. I told myself, today, that I need to just cut it out. Saying it and doing it will be two different things I am sure.


I feel this with every ounce in my soul we split recently but I didnt want it to end but it had too