Lack of money in relationships

[Tuxie]

Have any of you ever had a relationship that suffered because of the lack of money? If so, what happened? Did you get through it and if so, how?

[aussiecoffee007]

right now, i am in a LDR with someone with no money, and we suffer since he cant come see me and i cant afford to see him either. i dont know if this is the type of trouble youre talkign about, but were getting through it... its cliche but its the little things that carry us through, talking about the day we do get enough money to meet and be together, or makign a commitment to talk and check in every day... its okay now. hard but okay.

[EC]

Not sure in which context you're talking about, it's a very broad question.

[Tuxie]

Ya... I suppose it is a broad question.

More to the point... have any of you ever experienced a partner that has taken off from the relationship because of the lack of money? Is that more exact of a question?

[potatoes]

hi...been thinking how to pen this down about money and relationships. I'm no saint and I made mistakes and I'm not sure if I'd be good enough or right enough to even advise or explain about behaviours in a relationship. But Tuxie, me and my ex-bf broke up because we couldn't see our future together and we kinda let it hang for a bit. My ex has a debt of 20 to 25k on credit cards alone, about 26k to go for his car mortgages, he pays his own rent and food, he's still going through school but he quit his job (when I was with him). He's 30 this year.

I couldn't bear to see him go through wit the debts alone, so i helped out some of the debts, I even pay for the meals and some of the expenses although we don't live together. but there is only so much I could do. Maybe I didn't have the faith to go through and he didn't know when he would or could settle down. He too couldn't allow me to marry him and into his debts either. And he didn't know when he could sort/settle those debt...so we parted.

it was a sad parting.he is a good person.he was caring and sensitive.but is love really enough? I don't know. I wouldn't mind being with him if he isn't rich. I just don't know how to deal with the debts. As a woman, I do want some security.

[Tuxie]

Thanks for sharing that with us potatoes. :)

It's a fine line... the side of love no matter what... and the side of financial security. I've heard it said that a lot of marriages fall apart because of financial issues. It certainly can add stress to any relationship.

[EC]

Though it's not the right thing to expect money from partner, but on the other hand we all would like to have some sense of security from our partners. Knowing that we can rely on them when things go wrong.

[Tuxie]

Good point also EC.

How many of us get into a relationship, expecting things to be 'rosey' all the time? There will be tough times for sure. I understand what potatoes is saying, but I also see the value of having a mate that will stick around in the tough times too.

[EC]

Many people are brought up that way, via the media, books, magazines, fairy tales, families, and so on.

Most of us aren't even aware, or even if we are, we normally think it won't happen to us and it only happens to someone else. When you see nasty cases of infidelities for example, we think our women are great women who are 'different' and everyone else are the same or rarely different, wrong! Just like how we see our mothers, our mothers are great women we say, at the end of the day they are still women and are one of those that others call "all the same" just like how we call the other women or men "all the same".

I understand that this is a bit off topic but I am trying to go deeper into what Tuxguy said about people with red glasses on seeing all things 'rosey' and have a breakdown or suicide when they finally walk onto a green hill of rose thorns.

[Tuxie]

I understand that this is a bit off topic but I am trying to go deeper into what Tuxguy said about people with red glasses on seeing all things 'rosey' and have a breakdown or suicide when they finally walk onto a green hill of rose thorns.
No, really EC... this is fine. I like trying to open up subjects to discussion... especially this one. "Green hill of rose thorns", interesting way to put that. ;)

[mashmac]

A relationship (a relationship based on love) certainly doesn't begin with the $$ (or Euros) sign in Western Cultures (because here again in oriental cultures marriages or relationships are arranged or built on financial capabilities of families involved and I know in person women my age who wouldn't dream of marrying unless the men can provide for them - they view me and my Western ways as being foolish).

In our world, it is and should be for better and for worst but the problem is that the for worst will not feed you. Or your children. But, if you are committed to someone, you are allegedly are in love with them and you've already built something with them, I just don't see how you could leave them
overnight because of it. Or them you. Especially if you have a household together. And especially when they need you so much.

I don't know, I am lucky to be able to provide for the ones I love but at the end of the day although I do want to be able to rely on my partner I will always firstly always rely on me. Being financially independent is important to me.

[Penguin_Woman]

Not to bring up what was a bit of a hard topic. But I have some thoughts on this. Money isn't everything. Though, to some it's the only thing. I'd rather live in a shack and have love than live in an empty mansion. Money...or lack thereof can be scary. Speaking as someone who's been in a situation where I didn't know where I was going to sleep, when or how I'd eat. It's no fun to live like that. So, I can get skittish about money at times.
Not because I want to live in the lap of luxury...I don't. I like to shop at Walmart (but only when I need something). I mostly wear jeans and tshirts. I own zero jewelry. I really don't have a lot of "fancy things". That's just not who I am.
So it's not that I wish to be covered in gold and diamonds and things. I just need to know I'll be ok. That I'll have a place to live, the ability to get food on the table. If it takes shopping the sales, coupons and special deals that's fine. I think it'd be fun to sit and cut coupons with Tuxie.
I do know I have to relax some. I shouldn't worry so much. In the bible it says just as God clothes the grasses of the field, he will take care of us, his chlidren and I need to keep that in mind more. Sorry for babbling on. My point is money shouldn't be that much of an issue in relationships.
Whenever I get worried I think about this quote I once heard:
Think about it;

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, and in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace ...you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the millions who will not survive this week

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pain of starvation...you are better off than 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a meeting at a church, synagogue, mosque or temple without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than two billion people in the world.

If you can read this … you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.

Have a great day, count your blessings, and pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are. "

[summit]

if its a little off topic I aplogize, but I was curious to know the opinions on the flip, where one person has a large amount of money, and the significant other does not.

How do you know if she is there for your money or for you?
What would be some signs to look for?
How would you protect your assets?

This haunted me for a long time, and made it difficult to find someone who truly cared for me for the right reasons, these were questions I was never able to answer, my solution was to live poor, which works, but in a way it made me feel guilty because I was pretending to be someone I was not, I was starting every relationship off with a lie, luckily enough when I did finally have the talk with my girlfriend at the time after a year of dating, she completely understood why I had to do it.

I think discussing this could also help alot of people out.

[mashmac]

I think you kind of know. There is only that much "pretending" a person can do as far as loving you is concerned. And I also think you don't need to explicitly tell someone when you first meet how much money is in your bank account.

If you are showing off your assets, driving around in a Ferrari, there is probably a certain type of women you will attract. And you will want that woman to look and dress a certain way so she looks good in your Ferrari. And unless you are really silly - you will know that you might be risking your bank account and you will be prepared for it.

If in doubt - sign a contract or a prenup. That is what wealthy people mostly do because love does come and go. That is the reality of it.

Money doesn't make you happy but it certainly helps.

[Penguin_Woman]

I don't think it's off-topic. That can be a problem for some too. Prenup is a good idea. If for no other reason than if they refuse you might wonder. If they accept...maybe you don't even need one. i agree with mashmac. if you go around flaunting money...your gonna attract a certain kind of person. My ex-in-laws had/have money, but you wouldn't know it to look at them. They love to eat at buffets, go to flea markets, shop sales and outlet stores. They know that their friends like them for who they are. :) Just my 2 cents

[summit]

sorry Masmac, im not trying to pick you apart, I was just curious about a couple of your statments, can you elaborate on "you should kind of know" because this was the part I had problems with, how should I kind of know? There are obvious signs I agree, but I am talking more along the lines where they are in like with you, but they are in love with your money, its not so easy sometimes, they might not even realize it themselves, and more than a handful of people have been put into this position, so I cannot agree that all these people should have known.

I do not think many people tell their dates how much they have in their account, to me this is a little classless, however it is relatively easy to pick up on whether a person does well for themselves, even if you do not flaunt it, your going to spoil yourself in some kind of way. I was a 20 year old kid with a house and a new truck, and some recreational motorized toys :D all the while I wore my 2.5 year old runners with the soles falling apart, and my hole riddled tshirts, is this flaunting? I would think not, I needed a place to live, and I needed a truck for my lifestyle, and hey I like to have fun, but just that alone still drew unwanted attention, just the fact I was a 20 year old kid and had things going for me, it was literally embarassing.

A prenup, its a great idea, but I wanted to find a relationship that I didnt need that, which I did eventually, its extremely akward to bring up, its basically like telling someone I want to marry you, but deep down I don't trust you, my opinion anyways cuz I think of marriage for life, its a touchy subject, I guess it comes down to what is more important, your money or your honey, and for me my wife will always come first, I care more about her than anything else in my life, so a prenup isnt necessary, if she so happened to leave me, I would not even think about money, only losing her, she actually volunteered to sign one, but I would have none of it.

[mashmac]

Don't worry Summit, no offense taken. And it is true that even if you are not flaunting the money they are signs. Good manners, certain behavior. Certain places you will go to. And I am not saying you did flaunt your money - I was talking about the people who might.

And women have a natural tendency because they are the once that give birth to be attracted to men who can provide. I think it might be in our genes.

The best place to find out is in bed. Sex is easy, lovemaking is an entirely different thing. Are they trying to please you flatter you or are you connecting on that different level that I hope we do experience at least once or twice in your life. At least for me. I will know if I am having sex and no feelings or if I feel it deeper. And I will feel the other person too.

And time. I think time reveals it. I you realize you keep on taking your wallet out and the other person keeps on expects you to pay for things and you don't get affection in return unless you are paying well I guess then...

We are here only talking about people who pretend to love for money, not the ones who love and then the love ends.

To be honest - I've never really been in that position. As I am what you call an independent woman, attraction to money is not associated with feelings.
I always wanted to be able to provide for myself.

Not to say I have something against money. On the contrary, I have a family to feed, kids to dress, a mortgage to pay... It's a necessity.

As far as prenups are concerned - it has to be a personal choice but I don't find it offensive and if I was to have a relationship again - that is the way I would go. Perhaps reason comes with age and I am a few years short of forty... Not because I would be afraid to be used but simply because at this point of my life my kids come first. It wouldn't be to protect me but to protect them. It's not about trust. It's just about life. Who knows what can happen.

I think the person I would be with should be able to understand it. A bit of rationality in relationships doesn't hurt as I found out.

Did I have a prenup? No. But we were both young and didn't really have anything so there was no need for it. So we built it all together.

I am sure it's an easy trap to fall into. We do the most stupid things because of love. Certainly I did.

Finally - I've been so badly burnt that there is no way I will chance it again in money, love, feelings. If I am ever to let anyone it - it will be a little miracle!

Guess I used to trust people easily - now I am very cautious.

Not sure if this were the answers you were looking for...

[wiggles]

I wouldn't say my relationship ended because of money. But it was definitely a contributing factor. We were in a LDR, I had no job, when I could afford to go see her I would. but then I couldn't afford to pay for anything if we then went out together. If we didn't go out we'd end up spending time with her parents, which I had no problem with when I was living closer to her. But then I moved away and when I saw her I wanted to be with her, be close to her, just her, which was difficult with her parents sat opposite.

The relationship declined and we split up, or rather, she dumped me.

She lent me some money over the time, but I've never been one to ask anyone to lend me any money, it's something I like to keep as my problem and deal with it myself.

Well I've babbled a little but basically I think money was a contributing factor to the break-up.

[Riggs]

I wouldn't say my relationship ended because of money. But it was definitely a contributing factor. We were in a LDR, I had no job, when I could afford to go see her I would. but then I couldn't afford to pay for anything if we then went out together. If we didn't go out we'd end up spending time with her parents, which I had no problem with when I was living closer to her. But then I moved away and when I saw her I wanted to be with her, be close to her, just her, which was difficult with her parents sat opposite.

The relationship declined and we split up, or rather, she dumped me.

She lent me some money over the time, but I've never been one to ask anyone to lend me any money, it's something I like to keep as my problem and deal with it myself.

Well I've babbled a little but basically I think money was a contributing factor to the break-up.

Money isn't everything. It does more bad now a days than good. Have you seen the news lately? Money can't buy you happiness or good health, but it can get you a better jail cell. :rolleyes: You want a girl to love you, not how much money you have and/or how much you can buy her. Just something to think about.

[Penguin_Woman]

Money isn't everything. It does more bad now a days than good. Have you seen the news lately? Money can't buy you happiness or good health, but it can get you a better jail cell. :rolleyes: You want a girl to love you, not how much money you have and/or how much you can buy her. Just something to think about.
Words to live by! :D